Ghosted by an ‘amazing’ man?

Hi Everyone,

So after finally leaving an emotionally abusive relationship with a man I had a child with I finally started dating. I went on a few casual dates but then met an amazing man by chance on holiday. His friend was actually the one chatting me up but after an evening spent in a group (my friends and his) me and this guy ended up going off on our own. We spent the weekend together and had the most amazing physical connection. He told me he was single.

We live 3 hours apart but on our last night he asked me if we could date long distance. I agreed and thought that god must really be smiling down on me; I couldn’t believe I’d found someone so incredible. A week of phone calls and the sweetest messages followed but something niggled. He only called when he was out, so I asked him if he had lied about a gf. He confessed his ex and her child, not his, lived with him. He said they’d been split up for a few months and had only been together a year. They are apparently waiting until after xmas to move out. He said he didn’t say anything as he didn’t want to hinder chances with me.

I took a few days to think about it, asking him to not contact me. On advice from friends I decided to believe him as I had lived with my ex for a few months because me and my child had no where to go so I have him the benefit of the doubt. He swore this was the truth and we carried on talking, him booking a weekend away for us (apparently, never saw proof).

Cue a few more days of amazing calls / messages and then 3 days later, after speaking all day and everything being lovely, he blocks me from everything. It’s been 10 days now and it’s all sinking in that he probably lied the whole time and has a gf. Or was it something I said/did? Or is he attached and she’s caught him?

I’m desperate for answers but I will never chase him, I have deleted all his info because I know I need to let it go esp if he is a liar and a cheater. Meanwhile I’m trying to be strong but am left wondering why someone would be so cruel as to string someone along and in such a deep way (He said he had told him Mum about me and would say the most romantic things to me). Anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel so sad and vulnerable and am trying to make sense of all this and continue being a good mum but it’s really hard. Thank you for reading.

Oh yeah, he has a girlfriend or wife.

I'm sorry that sucks, there's really no other way of putting it, it sucks. Why people do things like this? Who knows. Sadly if something stop good to be true it usually is. Usually when a guy is coming on fast and hard there's a red flag hiding right around the corner.

Count yourself lucky you got away without being long with him . Sometimes nice people wonder how could someone do this as it is probably beyond something you would ever consider doing . However don’t judge people by your standards for how to treat someone . Don’t try to figure him out as you never will and never need to . Just realise he has issues . This is nothing that you did and look forward to meeting some nicer men in the future

I don't get how people can do this! I'm sorry and I hope you meet someone great (and unattached) in the future. Good luck!

Very true, red flags everywhere! I need to stop seeing the best in these fools hey, it's always been my downfall. That said i wish you worked with us, you sound like you take no BS and could give it to him straight! Haha. Thanks again

 

This was September. You seem to keep falling for these men. Might be a good idea to take a dating break to work on yourself and to learn to recognize these warning signs.

Definitely stop sleeping with these men right away! You seem to get attached when you don't even know them that well.

He has a gf or a wife, for sure. She is not an ex. I think that this was a fun vacation fling for him that got a bit out of control. He can't sustain the lie. I really feel bad for his wife, she probably doesn't know what he's up to. ugh. yuck. good riddance. Be thankful you didn't waste too much time on him.

He has a girlfriend or wife. He is a lying cheat.

Why are you sleeping with people so quickly? Why not date people - in your area - for a few months, and then you can see who they really are. LDR rarely work, especially with a stranger.

You have a bad picker when it comes to men.

He has a girlfriend or wife. He is a lying cheat.

 

Why are you sleeping with people so quickly? Why not date people - in your area - for a few months, and then you can see who they really are. LDR rarely work, especially with a stranger.

 

You have a bad picker when it comes to men.

Lol this guy was the first man I slept with quickly in 6 years, the other guy i spoke of previously was 6 months into what was a very on/off thing. And ironically I now call him one of my best friends! (It’s really strange to think we managed to salvage something from our time together!)

This other guy I speak of showed no signs that he was a bad guy, he was polite, sweet and had a great job so i’d Like to think I’m not a ‘bad picker’ but maybe to trusting?

So true, the poor woman. To deny her exsistance as well to me is particularly awful!

Lol this guy was the first man I slept with quickly in 6 years, the other guy i spoke of previously was 6 months into what was a very on/off thing. And ironically I now call him one of my best friends! (It’s really strange to think we managed to salvage something from our time together!)

 

This other guy I speak of showed no signs that he was a bad guy, he was polite, sweet and had a great job so i’d Like to think I’m not a ‘bad picker’ but maybe to trusting?

You didn't even know this guy. One's job has nothing to do with anything.

You didn't even know this guy. One's job has nothing to do with anything.

I am not saying this was a confirmation of his character, merely that the way he presented himself was as a focused, hard working man who seemingly was a pretty good catch. I’m sorry if my post has offended you, I am not asking to be treated with kid gloves but I’m not here to be made to feel worse, I was just looking for some support and to see if anyone had gone through the same thing. X

You will never know. People can, and do, change their interest level for whatever reason. Don't waste your time and effort trying to sort other people's garbage and bad behaviour.

Unfortunately it's very common to ghost people these days. Don't take it personal.

It's very fashionable here to accuse men of having a wife or girlfriend when women get ghosted. That doesn't make it true, it's just a stereotype.

You will never know. People can, and do, change their interest level for whatever reason. Don't waste your time and effort trying to sort other people's garbage and bad behaviour.

 

Unfortunately it's very common to ghost people these days. Don't take it personal.

 

It's very fashionable here to accuse men of having a wife or girlfriend when women get ghosted. That doesn't make it true, it's just a stereotype.

I think in this instance it’s probably true as he (finally) admitted he lived with his ex, never called me from home and up until he got home from Work that day he’d been initiating the very ‘romantic’ contact only 2 hours before. My feeling is he got busted or got scared.

But I agree generally there’s probably lots of

People who lose interest. I can’t beliece how common ghosting is! X

I am not saying this was a confirmation of his character, merely that the way he presented himself was as a focused, hard working man who seemingly was a pretty good catch. I’m sorry if my post has offended you, I am not asking to be treated with kid gloves but I’m not here to be made to feel worse, I was just looking for some support and to see if anyone had gone through the same thing. X

It didn't offend me at all.

You need to recognize that you have a pattern in choosing bad men,

You will never know. People can, and do, change their interest level for whatever reason. Don't waste your time and effort trying to sort other people's garbage and bad behaviour.

 

Unfortunately it's very common to ghost people these days. Don't take it personal.

 

It's very fashionable here to accuse men of having a wife or girlfriend when women get ghosted. That doesn't make it true, it's just a stereotype.

Sportster, I would have said the same if a woman had started this thread. No male bashing, here.

Painful, but sounds like you dodged a bullet.

Just imagine if you were in his "main" girl's position?

Ghosted by an ‘amazing’ man?

 

I went on a few casual dates but then met an amazing man by chance on holiday. His friend was actually the one chatting me up but after an evening spent in a group (my friends and his) me and this guy ended up going off on our own. We spent the weekend together and had the most amazing physical connection. He told me he was single.

 

I’m desperate for answers but I will never chase him, but am left wondering why someone would be so cruel as to string someone along and in such a deep way

To answer your question, you can start by stop throwing accolades (e.g. amazing) at men you don't know. There's nothing amazing about a man who cons a woman into sleeping with him. It happens all the time, and will keep happening as along as there are women out there who are ignorant about what some men's intentions are in being with them.

If you now understand this, then there's nothing else to discuss. You are now battle ready for dating.

BTW - There's nothing cruel about this. You were casual dating, which means that there is no commitment for the future (anything goes).

BTW . .If he and the ex had agreed on separating and were for what ever reason waiting until after Christmas, why couldn't he have found a quiet place in his own home to speak with you? They have agreed to separate after all.

If it was by chance contentious enough that he had to hide it. . .then that would have been your queue to bow out, moving out or not.

 

BTW - There's nothing cruel about this. You were casual dating, which means that there is no commitment for the future (anything goes).

While I typically agree, if you choose casual sex you chose to go in with your eyes closed, he clearly deliberately lied to her. There's a limit to 'anything goes'.

It's very fashionable here to accuse men of having a wife or girlfriend when women get ghosted. That doesn't make it true, it's just a stereotype.

Far from 'fashionable' it's just basic logic. He wouldnt talk to her when at home, long distance, 'ex girlfriend' he lives with, completely blocked her out of the blue, if it walks like a duck...

At worst he's a cheat, at best he got back with his 'ex', either way it's pretty cowardly to block someone on everything out of the blue. The point of defending the indefensible is lost on me. Yes the OPer needs to be more careful while dating, and stop leading with sex, it doesn't take the blame away from the men who prey on women in this manner.

To answer your question, you can start by stop throwing accolades (e.g. amazing) at men you don't know. There's nothing amazing about a man who cons a woman into sleeping with him. It happens all the time, and will keep happening as along as there are women out there who are ignorant about what some men's intentions are in being with them.

 

If you now understand this, then there's nothing else to discuss. You are now battle ready for dating.

 

BTW - There's nothing cruel about this. You were casual dating, which means that there is no commitment for the future (anything goes).

Thank you for taking time out to write to me. I agree with the first statement, my confidence is very low so I probably naturally put anyone on a pedestal.

But please don’t think this was just casual sex. Maybe it wasn’t made clear and I don’t want to literally write quotes from him but he honestly made this a lot deeper, I’m 3 hours away & he would text in the middle of the night saying he couldn’t sleep as he kept thinking of our future & how he can’t believe he found me. He was a pursuer where his words were full of promise and emotion which of course could have been total crap or maybe he did feel that way but he was a liar and a cheat so it’s irrelevant now. But hopefully you can understand how I may have been taken in, I’m human.

I’m a big girl and can handle the odd fling but this went very deep very quickly so I do believe it was quite cruel but of course happy to agree to disagree. X

While I typically agree, if you choose casual sex you chose to go in with your eyes closed, he clearly deliberately lied to her. There's a limit to 'anything goes'.

 

 

 

 

Far from 'fashionable' it's just basic logic. He wouldnt talk to her when at home, long distance, 'ex girlfriend' he lives with, completely blocked her out of the blue, if it walks like a duck...

 

At worst he's a cheat, at best he got back with his 'ex', either way it's pretty cowardly to block someone on everything out of the blue. The point of defending the indefensible is lost on me. Yes the OPer needs to be more careful while dating, and stop leading with sex, it doesn't take the blame away from the men who prey on women in this manner.

The walks like a duck comment made me laugh, haven’t heard that in years! Hehe

Thank you for your words. Just want to clarify though I really really do not lead with sex. My ex i was with for 5 years and I waited months before taking that step and the last man I waited 6 months before that happened. This time it was just suppose to be a holiday fling, some fun and romance that got a bit out of hand, to quote that song I caught those ‘feels!’ X

Thank you for taking time out to write to me. I agree with the first statement, my confidence is very low so I probably naturally put anyone on a pedestal.

 

But please don’t think this was just casual sex. Maybe it wasn’t made clear and I don’t want to literally write quotes from him but he honestly made this a lot deeper, I’m 3 hours away & he would text in the middle of the night saying he couldn’t sleep as he kept thinking of our future & how he can’t believe he found me. He was a pursuer where his words were full of promise and emotion which of course could have been total crap or maybe he did feel that way but he was a liar and a cheat so it’s irrelevant now. But hopefully you can understand how I may have been taken in, I’m human.

 

I’m a big girl and can handle the odd fling but this went very deep very quickly so I do believe it was quite cruel but of course happy to agree to disagree. X

See, that's the thing about it. It wasn't casual to you, but it was to him based on your actions. Also, the only effort he put into it (to make it deeper), was texting/calling. Doesn't take much effort in doing that. I understand how you were taken in. I just don't want it to happen to you again.

Some people are disturbed over his lying, and unethical approach. My viewpoint in dealing with people I don't know (especially in dating): they are capable of doing, and saying anything. I place no trust in them until it is earned over time. And I act accordingly.

A close friend of mine went through something very similar, turns out the guy was trying to work it out with his girlfriend and I’m pretty much assuming the same is going on in your situation. People like to stick to what they know rather then to venture out for something new.

I’m sorry this happened to you, but with life comes experience that only makes you smarter and stronger. Never get involved with someone who is still living with their ex no matter what the reasoning is.