The balancing Act of Husband vs Exams

Hi all,

It’s been a while since I’ve been on this forum..simply because I’ve haven’t felt this alone in a long time.

I am a married woman of two years with an amazing husband who is kind, loving and who takes great pride in looking after me and I am always forever grateful. We both work full time he is self employed in a family business and I Am employed as an Accountant. For most of our marriage I am studying for exams which could be 6 months of the year I spend most of my time studying going to tuition and revision courses on weekends, which does leave little time to spend with my husband. I do feel guilty at times as he does do a lot with helping around the house with washing, cooking etc. I always show my appreciation during the lead up to exams I understand it’s tough for him and it’s hard but it’s not for forever.

I feel like when I do have the time to spend with him he does not capitalise on it and when I don’t have the time and I’m busy with exams he misses me. I just finished my final exams Friday.. and today would have been the time to spend together but we got into a fight.. he blames me for not helping around for the last 2 months. Even though he knows I have been working so hard with exams it’s like he plays the supportive role but the truth has come out.

His expectations are so high he brings me down that I can’t be the dutiful wife who cooks and cleans for him. I’ve tried my best to change and make him meals and do what I can but he scrutinises me and that I don’t feel I’m good enough for him.

He knew before he married me that I would need to do exams as they are important for my career and would help us financially for now and our future.

But I feel so inadequate and hard done by. It takes me a while to readjust back into doing my usual duties of cleaning housework.. these exams were the hardest ACCA qualification papers and i think I do suffer from post exam stress with lack of concentration, headaches ,inability to sleep and irritability. He has given me anytime to recoup. I know he wants me to help and do things for him as he has in the last 2 months.

So I asked him to help me do the cleaning together today.. but he flatly refused and we both grew irritable it’s a small thing to fight over but at the same time all I wanted to do was doing something productive together. Hes now decided not to talk to me for the rest of the day and we’re back to work tomorrow for another busy week at work. Again I’ve tried to talk to him as it’s a waste of time but he’s flatly refused so I have left him too it.

Part of me doesn’t want to talk to him and just leave him to his own devices. I just feel like it’s a huge waste of time.

I don’t know how we can resolve this because I know my exams matter to be but his sheer lack of compassion and support makes me feel upset, angry and really emotional, so any advice would be greatly appreciated

Thanks

D x

This is why I don't recommend anyone getting married until they've finished their education... especially getting married while in school. I had issues too when I got married while I was in graduate school... my husband has the patience of a saint, but even my studies/dissertation research/projects put a damper on the first year of our marriage.

Somewhere along the line, you both need to come up with a compromise. Take 30 mins out of your schedule to do one chore a day. Time management is a life skill not only in the workplace, but also within your personal time. If you can't afford to do the dishes or cook, order out.

You need to sit down together and come up with a schedule for yourself to participate. It sounds like you are taking on too much. Can you focus on taking one test at a time?

I was with my ex while she did her PhD. Grad school is rough on relationships for sure. I went months cooking for her and cleaning up after her and making sure she remembered to shower. But that is what I signed up for. Your husband is using the silent treatment because you didn't immediately turn around and start cleaning the house? The silent treatment is a childish mess. If you wants to fix things so they work better you talk about it together. Not throw a fit and punish the other person.

I picked up most the slack when my lady was going through her residency. Well, I still kinda do because she sucks at cleaning, but I digress. If I'm completely honest, if it weren't for the fact she was going to come out of residency 3x my income, I don't think I could have done it without being resentful. I knew that she'd be making 2x - 3x my salary as a clinician, so I wasn't going to be picking any fights over doing the dishes more often than her.

It's important to keep things equitable. It's one thing if he's used to you going above and beyond and being a baby about your studies. It's a complete other thing if you two are both contributing 50/50 financially and yet he's got the lions share of the housework to take care of. If it's the former, by all means assert yourself. If it's the latter, while I'm sure it's no small feat to, I'd do some serious time management to figure out how to chip in evenly as far as the domestic realm goes.

I think he is being really unfair and kind of a big baby about it, he must have known that this would be a difficult time for you. And even if he does hate the situation, he must know that it isn't forever and things wil get back to normal when you finish. I don't understand why he wouldn't be more supportive. Makes me wonder if there. Is more to the story, like what else has been neglected in the relationship because you are too busy? I think this goes much deeper than just stupid chores, how's the emotional and physical intimacy been affected, and do you think that might be causing him to feel neglected and resentful too?

Take Sundays off.

No unnecessary work on that day.

Plan simple, fun outings. Or just lay around reading non-school/work materials.

No studying 24/7. It leads to lower grades and understanding.

Two measly months in the grand scheme of things! When I was studying for my licensing exams, my boyfriend took care of everything: laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning. He was happy to do it and he's not bean-counting about when I'll pay him back for that effort. Nor is he motivated by some grand salary that he thinks I'll be making. He's just a good dude, and he wanted to help.

There was a girl in one of my study classes who had kids. Her husband watched the kids while she was in class. But this basically meant that he played video games all day and that she had to clean up after them, do the laundry, and do the dishes when she got home. I felt really bad for her. They were both employed, both contributed to the creation of the children. But somehow the housework still belonged to her.

Not everyone sees things equitably. People like to say they do, like your boyfriend. But the facade cracks under pressure. Many people, when they see their behavior doesn't match their own ideals, blame the other person rather than admit their error. It's called cognitive dissonance. Your guy wants to believe he's supportive, but he's not. You're probably going to have a very hard time convincing him otherwise.

I think you're just going to have to buckle down and do what's right for you. And yes, resting is just as important as studying. You can't absorb a thing if you're stressed out. This may mean that the housework gets neglected and hubby has to cook for himself for a while. This is just a temporary thing. You can't throw away the future of your career because your husband is resorting to the silent treatment. You need to recognize that he is being unfair in treating you this way, and then push forward despite it.