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Thread: GF got raped, what do I do?

  1. #1
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    GF got raped, what do I do?

    Hey

    My gf got very drunk a few nights ago. She was wasted. Usually, her and another male co-worker come home together, so she waited for him. She was very drunk but she asked to go to his because she was not feeling good and refused his offer to call a cab. He took this as an advance. She also sat on his lap at one point, but she didn't realize it was anything sexual, like I said, she was very drunk. He ended up making advances on her and she said after sitting in the garden, she woke up topless in his bed. She said no to all of his advances but he carried on. She was too sleepy and drunk to do anything at the time. She would be awake for 2 seconds and then drift off for 2 throughout the whole night but resisted when she was awake. Woke up the next day very scared after she realized what happened. She only remembers flashes of it. She has apologized for it, acknowledging she shouldn't have gotten drunk. She also apologized for coming onto him, even though she says that it was not her intention. Even though I understand something bad happened to her, and I have been trying to support her a lot, I still feel very hurt by her. I keep having this voice in my mind that if she truly loved me, she would have been able to realize, even when drunk. She say that she doesn't remember coming onto him and if she did she couldn't control it because she was drunk. Or that if she loved me, she wouldn't get herself drunk and put herself in vulnerable situations. I love her so much and I have been trying to support her. She say she wants to not cut him out of her life. They work at the same place, so the occasional hello, but I suggested that she cut him out, which she has disagreed to. Has anyone been in a similar incident and what should I do, because even though I am not angry about what happened, I am upset that she came onto him, even if it was the alcohol.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I've been in a version of this. The two most important things to focus on right now are: 1. You love her and care about her and need to be big enough right now to make those the only emotions you tap into when dealing with her. 2. She has been assaulted and needs real help and support that you can't provide because your own emotions are thrown.

    Is she talking to a therapist? If not, that should be the first step. I'd suggest you do as well. Whether you two are able to get past this as a couple is something that will be told in time, but you're not going to be able to go down that road in any productive manner until she processes what happened to her. That she doesn't want to cut him out of her life, to me, sounds like a classic (and human) way of trying to minimize what happened rather than face it. You have every right to be upset about that, but, again, voicing those concerns is only going to add volume to an already too-noisy room.

    Basically, you need to let go of the boyfriend role for a moment and really tap into the friend role. That's the support she needs right now, and it's what will determine the sustainability of your romantic future. You clearly love her, so just be guided by that.

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    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She say she wants to not cut him out of her life. They work at the same place, so the occasional hello, but I suggested that she cut him out, which she has disagreed to.
    There's something wrong there. If she truly did not mean to hit on him or want sex, she would not only be willing to cut him out of her life, she would be making a police report!!

    I suggest you take a second look at all of this because I hate to say it, but she sounds like she cheated and is trying to hide it. I could be wrong, but it makes no sense what so ever that she is unwilling to cut him out of her life and report a rape.

    I'm sorry but she is not acting like she was raped, and she is clearly not upset at this man if she still wants him around. Something is off with all of this.

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    It sounds like your girlfriend may be in denial about what happened - this is especially the case with rape when it's someone that we trust, as it's hard to rationalise what they've done. If she was wasted she really wasn't in a position to consent, I mean, what kind of person has sex with someone drifting in and out of consciousness and obviously not compus mentus?
    Obviously she hasn't sought to press charges and is still not wanting to cut him out of her life which is why I think there's denial going on - it's a weird kind of cognitive dissonance trying to marry your knowledge of someone as a trusted friend as the same person who raped you, and it can be extremely damaging.

    The reason the denial is there is because it shakes the foundation of self trust, of our perceptions of people around us and those we trust, our actions or inactions, our judgements, and our value - this is what the denial is protecting against.
    I would really recommend that she gets some trauma counselling to deal with this, as it can really damage relationships and make true intimacy with partners really hard.

    For you, I can understand your anger - it feels like you're angry because you feel powerless, powerless to protect her and powerless now to do anything about it and her actions aren't allowing you to be empowered and to do what you feel is right to look after her and make sure she's ok as she isn't looking to press charges and isn't wanting to cut him out of her life. You're impotent to protect the person closest to you that you love, and it's because she's in denial. If you recognise this denial from her is because she's trying to protect herself and you also, it should ease you a little.

    Right now the best thing that you can do is encourage her trust, be gentle with any sexual advances and if she's at all tense or out of sorts, back off. Encourage her to talk to you, be there for her when she's in pain and just be prepared to hear her, and do encourage her to seek some help with trauma.

    Her foundations have been shaken and she needs those closest to her to be there with her while she goes through this, even if it appears that she's in denial and is feeling nothing bear in mind that it's all there underneath the surface and the numbness is what's helping her to cope.

    In the meantime your finding someone to talk to is also a good idea, she's not the person to offload to - so find either a professional or trusted friend to also help you to cope. Anything empowering for you - the gym, martial arts, anything that makes you feel stronger will help.

    Hope some of the above helps, wishing you both the best - it's a tough situation.

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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    There's something wrong there. If she truly did not mean to hit on him or want sex, she would not only be willing to cut him out of her life, she would be making a police report!!

    I suggest you take a second look at all of this because I hate to say it, but she sounds like she cheated and is trying to hide it. I could be wrong, but it makes no sense what so ever that she is unwilling to cut him out of her life and report a rape.

    I'm sorry but she is not acting like she was raped, and she is clearly not upset at this man if she still wants him around. Something is off with all of this.

    Just wanted to chip in on this as I've been in a similar position and didn't report it - rape by a trusted friend or partner can really screw with your head, and it's really common to go into denial because you don't want to believe that your friend/partner would do this. It's a protective measure and doesn't mean that there's anything off, but I do totally understand how this can fuel a sense of doubt for people.

    If you had no reason to not trust her before there's no reason not to now, and if she's been through this the most damaging thing that you can do is not believe her.

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    It does not appear as if she was raped, sorry.
    It does appear as if she knew and has incredible guilt and is trying to justify it.
    No one would want to keep a rapist in their life.

    She apologized for coming onto him, and then said she didn't remember coming onto him???
    That is contradictory. Either way, she needs to learn her alcohol limits.

    I'm not justifying it if the guy took advantage of her.. That makes him a loser.
    However like I stated, it seems more like cheating and regret than it does rape.

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    I meant to say that she didn't remember but when she did, she gave justification for it. Eg, she was cold and dizzy so sat in his lap. She knows it's not right but when drunk she doesn't realize it not appropriate. Thanks for the great replies, I now realize what I have to do and just to be the bigger person and voice my concerns much later once she feels better. She was groped once before and it really messed with her. She cut that person off and it really messed with her because whenever she saw him she would be reminded. I think she feels if she is not friends with him, but just says hi occasionally, she wont have to feel the same way she felt before.

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    Originally Posted by ballisticlava
    I meant to say that she didn't remember but when she did, she gave justification for it. Eg, she was cold and dizzy so sat in his lap. She knows it's not right but when drunk she doesn't realize it not appropriate.

    Indulging in too much alcohol has that effect.
    Hopefully she limits her consumption from now on.

    This might be a wait and see game.
    As she starts to remember more, she might say something different.

    I'm just thinking now, they work together. That's a whole mess in and of itself.
    I hope the truth is clarified, for everyone's sake. Good luck.

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    Originally Posted by SweetGirl28
    It does not appear as if she was raped, sorry.
    It does appear as if she knew and has incredible guilt and is trying to justify it.
    No one would want to keep a rapist in their life.
    She said no to all his sexual advances and was pushing him off of her, was shaking at one point. I think it counts as rape. I trust her that she didn't want anything sexual with him, she loves me, I know that. Alcohol is not an excuse though, and she needs to realize that, but not now. When she feels better and has healed.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by ballisticlava
    She said no to all his sexual advances and was pushing him off of her, was shaking at one point. I think it counts as rape. I trust her that she didn't want anything sexual with him, she loves me, I know that. Alcohol is not an excuse though, and she needs to realize that, but not now. When she feels better and has healed.
    I understand. Alcohol causes loss of inhibition and even loving someone, can lead to sex with someone else.
    Completely sober, one might not cheat, but add alcohol-- it happens unfortunately.

    If she remembers saying no and pushing him off, then yes it's rape.
    If so, she will need therapy as to not suffer the emotions and fear that will follow her from this.
    It will impact your relationship with her as well. Sexually, emotionally, trust wise, etc.

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