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GF got raped, what do I do?


ballisticlava

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Hey

 

My gf got very drunk a few nights ago. She was wasted. Usually, her and another male co-worker come home together, so she waited for him. She was very drunk but she asked to go to his because she was not feeling good and refused his offer to call a cab. He took this as an advance. She also sat on his lap at one point, but she didn't realize it was anything sexual, like I said, she was very drunk. He ended up making advances on her and she said after sitting in the garden, she woke up topless in his bed. She said no to all of his advances but he carried on. She was too sleepy and drunk to do anything at the time. She would be awake for 2 seconds and then drift off for 2 throughout the whole night but resisted when she was awake. Woke up the next day very scared after she realized what happened. She only remembers flashes of it. She has apologized for it, acknowledging she shouldn't have gotten drunk. She also apologized for coming onto him, even though she says that it was not her intention. Even though I understand something bad happened to her, and I have been trying to support her a lot, I still feel very hurt by her. I keep having this voice in my mind that if she truly loved me, she would have been able to realize, even when drunk. She say that she doesn't remember coming onto him and if she did she couldn't control it because she was drunk. Or that if she loved me, she wouldn't get herself drunk and put herself in vulnerable situations. I love her so much and I have been trying to support her. She say she wants to not cut him out of her life. They work at the same place, so the occasional hello, but I suggested that she cut him out, which she has disagreed to. Has anyone been in a similar incident and what should I do, because even though I am not angry about what happened, I am upset that she came onto him, even if it was the alcohol.

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I've been in a version of this. The two most important things to focus on right now are: 1. You love her and care about her and need to be big enough right now to make those the only emotions you tap into when dealing with her. 2. She has been assaulted and needs real help and support that you can't provide because your own emotions are thrown.

 

Is she talking to a therapist? If not, that should be the first step. I'd suggest you do as well. Whether you two are able to get past this as a couple is something that will be told in time, but you're not going to be able to go down that road in any productive manner until she processes what happened to her. That she doesn't want to cut him out of her life, to me, sounds like a classic (and human) way of trying to minimize what happened rather than face it. You have every right to be upset about that, but, again, voicing those concerns is only going to add volume to an already too-noisy room.

 

Basically, you need to let go of the boyfriend role for a moment and really tap into the friend role. That's the support she needs right now, and it's what will determine the sustainability of your romantic future. You clearly love her, so just be guided by that.

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She say she wants to not cut him out of her life. They work at the same place, so the occasional hello, but I suggested that she cut him out, which she has disagreed to.

 

There's something wrong there. If she truly did not mean to hit on him or want sex, she would not only be willing to cut him out of her life, she would be making a police report!!

 

I suggest you take a second look at all of this because I hate to say it, but she sounds like she cheated and is trying to hide it. I could be wrong, but it makes no sense what so ever that she is unwilling to cut him out of her life and report a rape.

 

I'm sorry but she is not acting like she was raped, and she is clearly not upset at this man if she still wants him around. Something is off with all of this.

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It sounds like your girlfriend may be in denial about what happened - this is especially the case with rape when it's someone that we trust, as it's hard to rationalise what they've done. If she was wasted she really wasn't in a position to consent, I mean, what kind of person has sex with someone drifting in and out of consciousness and obviously not compus mentus?

Obviously she hasn't sought to press charges and is still not wanting to cut him out of her life which is why I think there's denial going on - it's a weird kind of cognitive dissonance trying to marry your knowledge of someone as a trusted friend as the same person who raped you, and it can be extremely damaging.

 

The reason the denial is there is because it shakes the foundation of self trust, of our perceptions of people around us and those we trust, our actions or inactions, our judgements, and our value - this is what the denial is protecting against.

I would really recommend that she gets some trauma counselling to deal with this, as it can really damage relationships and make true intimacy with partners really hard.

 

For you, I can understand your anger - it feels like you're angry because you feel powerless, powerless to protect her and powerless now to do anything about it and her actions aren't allowing you to be empowered and to do what you feel is right to look after her and make sure she's ok as she isn't looking to press charges and isn't wanting to cut him out of her life. You're impotent to protect the person closest to you that you love, and it's because she's in denial. If you recognise this denial from her is because she's trying to protect herself and you also, it should ease you a little.

 

Right now the best thing that you can do is encourage her trust, be gentle with any sexual advances and if she's at all tense or out of sorts, back off. Encourage her to talk to you, be there for her when she's in pain and just be prepared to hear her, and do encourage her to seek some help with trauma.

 

Her foundations have been shaken and she needs those closest to her to be there with her while she goes through this, even if it appears that she's in denial and is feeling nothing bear in mind that it's all there underneath the surface and the numbness is what's helping her to cope.

 

In the meantime your finding someone to talk to is also a good idea, she's not the person to offload to - so find either a professional or trusted friend to also help you to cope. Anything empowering for you - the gym, martial arts, anything that makes you feel stronger will help.

 

Hope some of the above helps, wishing you both the best - it's a tough situation.

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There's something wrong there. If she truly did not mean to hit on him or want sex, she would not only be willing to cut him out of her life, she would be making a police report!!

 

I suggest you take a second look at all of this because I hate to say it, but she sounds like she cheated and is trying to hide it. I could be wrong, but it makes no sense what so ever that she is unwilling to cut him out of her life and report a rape.

 

I'm sorry but she is not acting like she was raped, and she is clearly not upset at this man if she still wants him around. Something is off with all of this.

 

 

Just wanted to chip in on this as I've been in a similar position and didn't report it - rape by a trusted friend or partner can really screw with your head, and it's really common to go into denial because you don't want to believe that your friend/partner would do this. It's a protective measure and doesn't mean that there's anything off, but I do totally understand how this can fuel a sense of doubt for people.

 

If you had no reason to not trust her before there's no reason not to now, and if she's been through this the most damaging thing that you can do is not believe her.

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It does not appear as if she was raped, sorry.

It does appear as if she knew and has incredible guilt and is trying to justify it.

No one would want to keep a rapist in their life.

 

She apologized for coming onto him, and then said she didn't remember coming onto him???

That is contradictory. Either way, she needs to learn her alcohol limits.

 

I'm not justifying it if the guy took advantage of her.. That makes him a loser.

However like I stated, it seems more like cheating and regret than it does rape.

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I meant to say that she didn't remember but when she did, she gave justification for it. Eg, she was cold and dizzy so sat in his lap. She knows it's not right but when drunk she doesn't realize it not appropriate. Thanks for the great replies, I now realize what I have to do and just to be the bigger person and voice my concerns much later once she feels better. She was groped once before and it really messed with her. She cut that person off and it really messed with her because whenever she saw him she would be reminded. I think she feels if she is not friends with him, but just says hi occasionally, she wont have to feel the same way she felt before.

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I meant to say that she didn't remember but when she did, she gave justification for it. Eg, she was cold and dizzy so sat in his lap. She knows it's not right but when drunk she doesn't realize it not appropriate.

 

 

Indulging in too much alcohol has that effect.

Hopefully she limits her consumption from now on.

 

This might be a wait and see game.

As she starts to remember more, she might say something different.

 

I'm just thinking now, they work together. That's a whole mess in and of itself.

I hope the truth is clarified, for everyone's sake. Good luck.

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It does not appear as if she was raped, sorry.

It does appear as if she knew and has incredible guilt and is trying to justify it.

No one would want to keep a rapist in their life.

 

She said no to all his sexual advances and was pushing him off of her, was shaking at one point. I think it counts as rape. I trust her that she didn't want anything sexual with him, she loves me, I know that. Alcohol is not an excuse though, and she needs to realize that, but not now. When she feels better and has healed.

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She said no to all his sexual advances and was pushing him off of her, was shaking at one point. I think it counts as rape. I trust her that she didn't want anything sexual with him, she loves me, I know that. Alcohol is not an excuse though, and she needs to realize that, but not now. When she feels better and has healed.

 

I understand. Alcohol causes loss of inhibition and even loving someone, can lead to sex with someone else.

Completely sober, one might not cheat, but add alcohol-- it happens unfortunately.

 

If she remembers saying no and pushing him off, then yes it's rape.

If so, she will need therapy as to not suffer the emotions and fear that will follow her from this.

It will impact your relationship with her as well. Sexually, emotionally, trust wise, etc.

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I'm sorry but I agree with Sweetgirl on this one.

 

If someone is raped they will be very upset and won't want to see the rapist never mind remain friends. I'm sorry OP, something isn't right here.

 

No two snowflakes are the same, asserting how someone should react to trauma to make it believable for you is an irresponsible game.

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I guess this whole thing is a balancing act. I am upset because she put herself in the situation by drinking to much, and being drunk is not an excuse for coming onto him, even if she didn't want a sexual advance. Her relationship with alcohol is different to mine, since she has an alcoholic mother, and I grew up in a conservative family where no one drinks. I do drink but I am always in control. Things like going to work slightly buzzed after a little drink is not something I would ever do, but since the job she is working at the moment is only cantering, she thinks its fine. Hypothetically, If the same thing happened to me, without the rape (I was drunk and came onto someone accidentally), she wouldn't be upset because she would say it's the alcohols fault, which I do not agree with. I need to make her realize that alcohol is not an excuse, and that she shouldn't put herself in that position, but also that the rape was not her fault at all. I already deal with depression and PTSD, so this kind of thing is very difficult for me.

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I'm sorry but I agree with Sweetgirl on this one.

 

If someone is raped they will be very upset and won't want to see the rapist never mind remain friends. I'm sorry OP, something isn't right here.

 

My justification is that she is numb. This kind of stuff has happened before. She doesn't have any friends, and when people have done her wrong in the past, she doesn't cut them out because she really only has me and wants other friends. When something of similar nature has happened however, she has cut them out, but it made her feel worse. She just wants to be okay with what happened. She wants to carry on as normal even if it won't help her and will make me very upset. She doesn't have the self respect for herself.

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I'm sorry but I agree with Sweetgirl on this one.

 

If someone is raped they will be very upset and won't want to see the rapist never mind remain friends. I'm sorry OP, something isn't right here.

 

Ya, I'm really most concerned they are coworkers.

If it's true, and she told, she may fear losing her job, or he may lose his.

If she tells, it's her word vs his. Black out drunk makes the situation really difficult to even prove.

 

I'm also wondering what his level of drunkenness was.

If he apologizes to her, it would say a lot more.

This is questionable.

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I guess this whole thing is a balancing act. I am upset because she put herself in the situation by drinking to much, and being drunk is not an excuse for coming onto him, even if she didn't want a sexual advance. Her relationship with alcohol is different to mine, since she has an alcoholic mother, and I grew up in a conservative family where no one drinks. I do drink but I am always in control. Things like going to work slightly buzzed after a little drink is not something I would ever do, but since the job she is working at the moment is only cantering, she thinks its fine. Hypothetically, If the same thing happened to me, without the rape (I was drunk and came onto someone accidentally), she wouldn't be upset because she would say it's the alcohols fault, which I do not agree with. I need to make her realize that alcohol is not an excuse, and that she shouldn't put herself in that position, but also that the rape was not her fault at all. I already deal with depression and PTSD, so this kind of thing is very difficult for me.

 

Given all that you've just written, you are both needing therapy for this.

You will harbor the resentment of her drinking, and surely this will come out when you argue. Unless you both resolve these issues, your relationship is heading down a rocky road.

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Even if she won't report it to authorities, I would strongly suggest she see a therapist to deal with the conflicting emotions that are sure to arise as a result of this. Given that she needs to continue to see him at work, she is going to be dealing with that fine line of being professional and being traumatized.

 

I do, however, believe she needs to cut him off from any and all non-professional interaction. She needs to do this both for herself and to send him the message loudly and clearly that what happened was unacceptable and not without consequence. They cannot continue to be buds, or he will is going to get the impression that she doesn't have a problem with it and might even try it on again with her.

 

Can you perhaps suggest you two see a counselor together? You are going to have a lot of trouble processing this as well.

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Ya, I'm really most concerned they are coworkers.

If it's true, and she told, she may fear losing her job, or he may lose his.

If she tells, it's her word vs his. Black out drunk makes the situation really difficult to even prove.

 

I'm also wondering what his level of drunkenness was.

If he apologizes to her, it would say a lot more.

This is questionable.

 

He was not drunk at all. He gave her weed even when she was off her face drunk. He apologized a lot, but he keeps saying you shouldn't have come home with me, you shouldn't have sat in my lap, kinda copping out of the situation as to not take responsibility. Its bull though, since he carried on when she pushed him off, said No multiple times, was shaking and constantly drifting out of consciousness

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Can you perhaps suggest you two see a counselor together? You are going to have a lot of trouble processing this as well.

 

I currently do go counselling, and she should be starting soon.It would be difficult to go to the same Councillor since we can't afford it, are both young, and the only free services provided are individual.

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He was not drunk at all. He gave her weed even when she was off her face drunk. He apologized a lot, but he keeps saying you shouldn't have come home with me, you shouldn't have sat in my lap, kinda copping out of the situation as to not take responsibility. Its bull though, since he carried on when she pushed him off, said No multiple times, was shaking and constantly drifting out of consciousness

 

Oh.... I'm sorry

If any of this was thru text, she can have a case if she chooses.

It will be a long, ugly road to go down, but it's her decision.

 

I hope you both get thru this.

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So why did she sleep over at his place instead of calling you? That seems strange to me, especially if she wants to have contact with him....

 

If you are going to continue in the relationship, you will have to believe her no matter what I guess....

 

I am just a bit biased though, because one time a girl slept with my friend after a night out at the bar and then falsely accused him of raping her (most likely after feeling guilty for cheating on her boyfriend). Luckily, my other friend was there that night and that same girl offered to sleep with him like 20 minutes before. As soon as the judge heard that, he immediately said case dismissed. The poor guy was so scared for his life.

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While I'd have a lot of sympathy for her situation, I'd have to make a decision of who I want in my life as a partner and what I want to deal with as a result. If my girlfriend was getting drunk to the point she's not aware that sitting on a dude's lap could be taken sexually (or, perhaps worse, she could think back on it sober and come to the same conclusion) and, even if vaguely understandable, she insisted on keeping a man who'd sexually assaulted her in her life, I simply couldn't do it. Again, I'd have sympathy and wouldn't voice any doubts over what happened, but I need to look at my own life and my own balance.

 

And to throw in with just a bit of science as it's a pretty common misconception, you actually don't remember any more after you've been drinking and the alcohol inhibits the processing of long-term memories. What you don't remember you unfortunately will never remember. Your brain may take whatever memories did processand connect the dots with logic and imagination, but those connections won't have been a processed memory.

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So why did she sleep over at his place instead of calling you? That seems strange to me, especially if she wants to have contact with him....

 

She was very drunk. Didn't sleep properly all night. She was drifting in a out of consciousness so I don't blame her for not calling. The way she wants to keep contact is I think she is in denial. She just wants to move on quickly and force herself to carry on things like normal, I see that now

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