Should I call her? HELP ME

On a journey overseas I met a girl and when I came back home we kept on touch daily, as the months passed we visited each other several times, and we engaged a LDR. To make it true, we plan a goal which was that I would go to her country to live with and marry her following their customs. Previously I would make some visits more for a few months to test myself in her country and also getting everything ready.

I did some visits to her country again but nearer the date more depressed I was started to experience many feelings as an enormous sense of guilt for abandoning my mother who’s a widow, getting older and in part she’s somehow dependent of me because of her mental illness.Feeling of huge fear because in her culture families are formed from very early years, between 20 and 26 y.o. and she’s 30 y.o.The idea of she to coming here was discarded because she doesn’t like my country, which complicates it too much when it comes to adapt, and also in my country It could be more complicated, because the standard of living is much higher.

Despite all that I kept firm with my decision and I kept dealing with all those feelings alone, we met a few times more and I did all the things and paperwork I had to do.Everything went well until I made the last visit there. Since the second day I was in a terrible state of shock and anxiety due to the pressure. I felt ashamed too because I’m a serious person, with strong values and I was giving a terrible image there. I just wanted to do my best and showed myself as I am. But was too late, I was devastated.I'm not naive, my major concerns when I made the choice were mostly to find work, language, culture, paperwork, money, also knew that I should struggle with homesick and stay active to avoid depressions and feelings of emptiness… but I never thought it was going to be smashed by a supernova of negative feelings and the worst, I wasn’t able to control it!

All my worries is about her future, because in her country the customs doesn’t allow affairs as could be in western culture. It can’t be so easy as go-and-try, it must to be go-and-marry-her-first, marry her isn’t the problem of course but I’m afraid if I can’t find a job or adapt the rest of life there what’s next, leave her there near forties as a older-single-loser woman as her culture rules? I really was afraid of let her down.After a few weeks of my return I broke up with her because I couldn’t take it anymore, I was too scared to go ahead and won’t be able to control those feelings so I preferred to put me away and let her free.

It have been about ten months since then and I'm still missing her so bad as the first day. The latest weeks I have felt tempted to contact her again and assuming that she’d accept to hear what I have to say.Did I do well let her free or should I being recklessand go there with her and don’t care about nothing?

I appreciate your feedback, and please, feel free to comment about. Thanks in advance!

Well, it would have been helpful to know what country you're in and what country she's in so I could be specific in my advice, but generally, I wouldn't advise you to marry a girl you've only seen a handful of times from a different culture in which you might not be able to adapt. Marriages do best when people have similar backgrounds, upbringings and religions.

Also you have to be careful because in some cultures (particularly Asian) it's more important for women to marry someone who's rich or Western rather than someone they love. This can lead to unhappiness on both sides.

I think you made the right decision. If she really loved her she would have moved to where you live and joined your family. (In a lot of cultures, the woman joins the man's family, not the other way around, but other cultures are matriarchal where the opposite is somewhat true.)

I think you dodged the bullet. Look around for a nice girl to date where you are where you can go on dates, hold hands, kiss, and be intimate and stay away from Internet relationships.

i was in a familiar situation except that the role are reversed, I'm the girl in your situation. about a year ago,i met my ex in my home country. We spend a few months together in my country and continue it long distance after he went back. Long story short, the last time he visited me, we have a serious talk about how our relationship is going to be. His concerns are quite similar as yours. he worried about everything that if we got married and it didn't work out and then we got divorced, it will ruined my life (The same culture issue with your situation that my country would rule me as a singer-loser widow too but i try to explain it to him that its just the point of view from older generations like my grandparents or my parents. People from my generations doesnt take this issue that serious anymore but still it concerns him anyway), i did offer that after my graduation and after a few years working for my dream job i could just quit and move to be with him and start a family but he won't let me do it, he worries that if i move there, quit my job and we end up breaking up it will also ruin my life. His option would be him coming to work and live in my country. But we still have a lot of issues to solve. Since he has to obtain a license to work in his profession in my country and nobody from his country can obtain the license before so its quite unsure and impossible if he can move and work here. and lot of issues like we d can't plan any schedule to meet due to our busy works and study and its kinda put a lot of strain in our long distance relationship that we don't really know when we will meet again, so he decided to break up with me, He said he still loved me at the time when we broke up but at the moment I'm not sure anymore. we don't really talk

From my point of view, i think i can relate to your girlfriend. for me the break up really hurts. it still hurt until now and I'm not over him yet. i don't know what i did wrong that i have to go through all of this. i just don't understand that if two people love each other why do we have to break up. i don't know about your ex-girlfriend but for me, i only agree to the break up because my ex-boyfriend was depressed with the relationship at that time and he said he couldn't take it anymore so i let him go, i thought at least that is what i can do for him. But i really do think that my ex was overthinking things. Like what you say that if you move to your ex country and then you start to regret it, experience homesick and want to move back and you want to divorce her but you're afraid that if you divorce her that will ruin her life. You do know that its something that might or might not happen? Maybe you're going to be happy with her for the rest of your life. its the future and nobody knows what its going to happen. why worry about the thing that is not happening yet and let it ruins your present. i mean if you want to move to her country and marry her then do it if that is what make you happy at the present and then if you have to divorce her later then divorce her or maybe figure out what to do later, its not happening yet, why worries? for the culture, in my country its not that serious anymore, maybe you have to talk to her about it, i have a lot of friends who got married and got divorce within a few years after and its not that big deal anymore. they are still accepted by the social and their new lovers

I'm sorry if this is a bit long, its just that i get you and i think i also get your ex girl-friend too. and this is what i think and what I've been trying and wanting to tell my ex-boyfriend. Don't worry too much about things that are not happening yet, just focus on what makes you happy and do it. if she really love you and you really love her. you'll get through it together, you'll help each other go through all the issues because that what someone who really love each other do, they stick together through thick and thin.

You are right, maybe the problem is that, that marry too rush and do it everything at the same time (move on there, find a job, paperwork for living there,...). Thank you for your advice!

I appreciate your history (look alike mine) and comments and I'm sorry for your lost...

People from my generations doesnt take this issue that serious anymore but still it concerns him anyway)

It's true, but still it would affects in her life, I mean when I meet her relatives in her hometown I felt that there is other ethic code there too different than my country. I tried don't be negative but I needed to think about all chances to make a choice.

i only agree to the break up because my ex-boyfriend was depressed with the relationship at that time and he said he couldn't take it anymore so i let him go

The same here, I was and I'm depressed:

- First because I hurt the only girl and person I met in my whole life who isn't relative and show me true love and unconditional care, the only person who really understood me and believe in me. Nobody made me feel this before.

- It was the first time I had the feeling that she is the one, strong-inner-feeling, and the only girl I was available to get married and rise children.

- I really wanted to go there, I did all the things I should to do, I sold my car and things to do it but in the last step I was broken, is like I wanted but something inside me exploded and told me no or no in this way.

- I felt a lot of fear to don't be sure if there I would be happy (because the country) or I could do it possible (get a job).

- I had a terrible feeling of guiltiness about leave my mom here.

- I felt guilty for involve her in this relationship and made her lost her time.

i mean if you want to move to her country and marry her then do it if that is what make you happy at the present and then if you have to divorce her later then divorce her or maybe figure out what to do later

I didn't speak with her since June of the last year, and I don't know if she wants to hear about us or me again, I don't know if she is meeting someone or if not is not fair to contact her because I don't want to confuse or hurt her more. To be honest, I think about her everyday, sometimes I got the feeling to leave everything for her a move on, and others I got the feeling that I was right breaking up. I'm still confuse, I just know that I really love her.

Don't worry too much about things that are not happening yet, just focus on what makes you happy and do it. if she really love you and you really love her. you'll get through it together, you'll help each other go through all the issues because that what someone who really love each other do, they stick together through thick and thin.

I think the big mistake was being too rush, I don't blame her, because as she is too important for me I was too worried to show me weak or something so I didn't share all my worries and tension with her and I loaded all the weight alone until my last visit I was on shock, deeply depressed, and confused. Between all that time before my last visit she didn't know about it and she put a lot of pressure because I felt her anxiety for me to be there because she felt alone there, get married and all this things. Other thing was I wasn't sure if I could live there forever, or adapt, without a trial so it made me being too worried to hurt her in the future.

That said now I know the mistake was both being too rush, it should be step by step, first me to go there and try to find a jobs because her country is communist and it isn't too easy with this and also the visa application. Then if I could to do it and have some stability, it could give me the insight of me living there, and if everything would be fine, meet their parents as formal boyfriend and to speak about wedding. In this way perhaps it might have works, because in this way I could have experiments all the bad feelings and homesickness in other way more quiet, but everything at one was too much.

Now, several month ago since the last time we talked, I think is not fair to contact her because still I'm confused, I mean before I was brave, too excited to make the plan and struggle with the bad sides, but after my last visit and the break up I feel the same but I gain an extra, fear, a lot of fear and the pressure to hurt her more and steal her time again.

Now I see myself here finding a job without hope, I started to think that I will be alone for life because here is almost impossible find a woman single in middle of the thirties like her and obviously I won't settle for less. I now that sounds so negative but trust me, I like to being realistic, she is awesome and I never met anyone with her good heart.

The only thing is I really love her, and I miss her soo much but now I feel myself more worried than before.

i can't tell you what to do that's up to you. Take your time. if you really do still love her, ask yourself if you're willing to do it again. if the answer is yes then do it. Only you know what to do. but i suggest you should have a good back up plan.if it doesn't work out with her, make sure you have a job and place to go back too.

If i were you, if the relationship means that much too you and being in it make you happy, i would want to try to make it work again. i think that you only have one life. even you believe in another life, you won't remember any of this after you die anyway. Live a life that's going to make you happy but always make sure you have a back up plan for yourself if it doesn't work out.

i hope you can solve it out by yourself :)