Husband Overweight, Sleeps in different bedroom

I have been married to my husband for five years. We are in our mid-30s. He is a wonderful man with a good heart and I know he loves our kids and me very much and feels very dutiful towards our family. He shows his affection by working hard and being a reliable father and husband. He is not affectionate towards me in the traditional sense (ie doesn’t think to do things like reaching out to hold my hand or put his arm around me, despite me asking him on several occasions to do this, more. It is so rare that I actually am surprised, when I happens. The last time he put his arm around my without me prompting him was a few months ago. Aug 26th). My husband is also severely obese, according to the BMI chart, almost into morbid obesity range (he’s 100lbs over the top of his healthy range). He’s always been a big guy and was overweight when we were dating, but not to this degree. I feel like he was also more affectionate, back then, but maybe I’m misremembering. He was a lot more active, at that time, and played sports several times a week and would work out with me, which I guess always gave me the hope that he would be open to an active and healthy lifestyle with me. However, since we’ve been married it’s become clear that he has no intention of being active. The minute we married, he stopped sports, won’t work out with me anymore, and sits on the couch, all night. I bought him an exercise ball right before we got married and the only thing he has ever used it for is as a foot rest. Not exaggerating. I run, walk the dog 2 miles/night, etc. I’ve tried to get him to split walking the dog on cold nights, but he won’t. I’ve tried getting him to walk the dog extra on warm nights, but he says it would be too much for her (she is a husky, ie the breed that runs the Iditarod, if you catch my drift). He doesn’t enjoy going for hikes or walks with me and grumbles the whole time, ruining the outing for everyone there. So, I stopped asking him to go. Since we got married and had kids he’s gained 50-60 pounds. To be fair, I also gained weight with each of my pregnancies (never reaching obesity, but certainly was overweight) but lost weight after each baby was born via exercise, and am now back down to the weight I was when we were dating (5’5 130). He sleeps in a different bedroom, because his weight gain has caused his snoring/sleep apnea to worsen and I can’t get any sleep next to him. We barely have sex, and when we do, it’s when I initiate. He has only initiated 2 times in the last 4 years. We went almost two years having none, at all. He’s actually complained that he was too tired before, when I’ve wanted to have sex. I may not be a model but I’m not an unattractive woman, either. However, I’m not physically attracted to him anymore, and sex is getting physically difficult to even accomplish, because of his weight. I’ve gotten increasingly blunt with him about his weight, which I feel bad about, but I have read into it and come across several insights from people who had previously struggled with obesity, stating that the one thing that convinced them to change was that their spouse was blunt with them about it. I asked my husband if we were going to be sleeping in different bedrooms forever and if this is what I should expect for the next 50 years, and his answer was “I don’t know, I hope not.” Which doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence. He has been telling me he’s trying to lose weight for years, but he never loses it. I have tried to convince him to talk to the doctor about other solutions, but he believes in mind over matter. His weight has lead to depression and there have been times where he has acted very out of character (ie aggression, like yelling at the kids and me in public or breaking things in the house when angry). That is not at all the person that I married or the person that I see day to day. He is a gentle giant 99.9% of the time. I did tell him that I couldn’t live with that behavior anymore, and he has improved his attitude a lot (and it’s been 6+ months of sustained improvement) so I know he is trying and I give him credit for how well he’s been doing with his stress management issues. Although, he also went on a totally out of character spending spree for 3 months after that conversation, and accumulated a lot of credit card debt without me knowing, so... but then he stopped and got all chipper and started working on being happier. The only thing he can’t seem to improve is his weight, and we are still sleeping in different rooms. It’s been a few years in different rooms, pretty much since our first was born. This is not sustainable for a marriage, in my opinion. I have no idea what to do. I asked him about counseling and he’s conceded before that he probably should go, but he never would. I asked about marriage counseling, but he pushed back on that. I worked so hard to lose the baby weight, partly because I had hoped seeing me lose the baby weight would inspire him to lose weight (since he didn’t want to join me in doing it), but it hasn’t. Tonight, I was doing an exercise in the living room after going for a run in the snow (while having a cold, mind you) and he was sitting on the couch staring at his phone the entire time. I am feeling really good about myself and how I look and I see other men are noticing me and it feels good to be noticed. But my husband doesn’t seem to really notice. I would never cheat on my husband, but I am lonely. I feel like the physical wedge is growing into a mental wedge, between us, where I’m just not connecting with him, like I used to. I’m beginning to wonder if this is what I’m signed up for, for the next 50 years. I do love him very much, and our kids love their dad and I would never want to break apart our family for shallow reasons, but the thought of continuing as is makes me feel trapped. What can I do?

If he refuses to do counseling and lose weight, then you have no alternative. Have you told him that you will not continue this way?

The marriage sounds lonely and miserable.

I have. I’m not sure he understands how serious I am. He says he’s trying and bought a fitness watch, so that’s something. I hate to give him an ultimatum or time limit, but I did tell him I want to be sharing a bedroom again, before spring. I’m not too emotionally needy, but have definitely been feeling very lonely. And then guilty, too, because I find myself looking back and regretting marrying someone who’s so complacent about his health.

Buying a watch is nothing, unless he puts it to use.

You show how serious you are with action. He needs to start therapy and see a physician.

I’m with you, just at a loss on how to get him there. How much more time should I give him? He has a drs appt in Jan. I nagged him to go, which I hate. I have 2 kids, don’t need my husband to be the 3rd.

He has to want it. You have clearly shown him that you are going to tolerate this.

I think you need to tell him that you are serious, and he needs to make the changes. If not, then you need to follow through on your words.

Why is he so heavy? Who does the cooking? What types of food are being brought into the home?

You can come live with me. I'm a workout junkie, pretty decent in the looks department, am game for moving the couch out and putting treadmills and sandbags in front of the tv instead, very clean and neat and my planks are longer than all-their-all #/€&! together whatever units we're using.

Joke aside, your hubs has stunnigly obvious oral regression - the verbal incidents, overeating, so, what made him regress? What was he feeling not up to in life?

If you can't single out anything else, could it have been your persistent prodding for him to lose weight at a faster pace or with more apparent results than he can do despite trying?

He feels rejected. I think i'm a fairly tough cookie but it would take me very little in terms of rejection to close off and not feel comfortable or feeling very intimate with a partner. Perhaps your efforts are counterproductive and he needs to be treated as the person you're nuts for, not frustrated or put off by, the latter won't make him feel very encouraged, accepted or safe with you.

I agree it wouldn't hurt if he got some help, but if you mentalize his position, and it is in fact the case you unintentionally made him feel undesirable, then you suggesting his regression is the problem (not that it isn't but it was triggered relationally, there are two people in this dynamic), that translates to him as you claiming the right to make him feel not enough whilst placing the expectation on him solely to find a way to deal with it happily, AND feel physically comfortable enough to be intimate with you, who are not comfortable with how he physically is.

You've loved him before when he was big, and you say nice things about his character, and you still want to have sex with him - how unattractive can he be to you?? You love this guy. Are you more frustrated with his lethargy than looks? Because the latter can be improved if you can assure him you want him as he is; He'd probably eat more healthy and exercise too then, or at least show willingness to take counseling and try to get closer again. the current conditioning and nagging that he isn't up to standard is discouraging him, and the threats in forms of deadlines methinks will sooner make him entirely give up and provoke a separation then become enthusiastic about change. I wouldn't sleep with someone who clearly had an issue with my body either, especially if i was trying to get in shape. And if i ended up getting in shape despite it, and for myself, i likely still wouldn't feel like intimacy with a person who conditioned their affection persistently or made me feel not enough for months on end. Would you? Discouraged and rejected, he's not feeling you're on his team.

We could tyrannize how he is responsible for his own emotional and physical state and refuse to meet him half way, or we could acknowledge we all trigger one another in countless ways and that we can just as much be mindful of not shaking the others faith in themself ( and of the potential to help rebuild and uphold it) as they can work on their emotional constitution and self respect.

Hey, if it fails, my number is 050-ring-my-kettlebeeeellll

my planks are longer than all-their-all #/€&! together

wow, that came out mean and far less funny than intended. too late to edit:05.18-flustered

Okay, Rainycoast, I hear you and I can see why I sound like an a-hole, but I tried the gentle and loving approach for YEARS, with no luck. I agree that it’s not helpful to get the mood going when the other person is being critical of you. I don’t want to be hurtful or critical, at all. I don’t want him to feel hurt or ashamed or judged. It started out as something we both needed to do. I wanted to lose weight together, but he wasn’t keen on it. So then I figured I’d start and maybe he’d join. Our sex life went downhill before I said word one about his weight. He has no drive. We don’t buy unhealthy groceries (anymore, def used to buy more when I was having pregnancy cravings/still needing to lose weight), but he buys food at work/elsewhere. As for nagging, I am not a natural nagger, I swear. It’s exhausting and a chore and I don’t need any more chores. Keeping track of myself and nagging my two little kids is more than enough. But the guy gave up on doing anything remotely physical the day we got married and I’m bumming hard over it. I feel a little conned, actually, since he used to do active stuff with me when we were dating (snowboarding, hikes, going for runs, kayaking) and literally hasn’t completed any of those things without constant grumbling, since. And I’ve read so many posts from people saying they needed to hear blunt, tough love from their spouse to motivate them, hence my current approach. I’m just at a loss. I guess I can just let him know he has competition from you, maybe that will light a fire under his ass ;-)

And shouldn’t sleeping next to his wife again be enough of a motivator? I’ve asked him to come back countless times, but he says he wants to lose weight first so he won’t snore and wake me (which in turn wakes him, because I wake him when he stops breathing from the sleep apnea). But then he never loses it. This is a 4 year ordeal. I’m not trying to be all ultimatum-y here, but when is enough enough?

What was his parent's marriage like? I'm just curious as this happened pretty much as soon as you guys got married, and often people will emulate their parent's behaviour upon marriage because of the symbology trigger, especially if things were good before rings were exchanged. Or if they had a traumatic time as a child re their parents marriage and their perception of what a marriage is, this can be something frightening, so they become self protective and intimacy disappears or gradually gets pushed out.

It's all unconscious patterning but obesity is very much associated with being a barrier or protective type of behaviour, or to fill a void so I wondered about his early life.

My two thoughts are, can you try marriage counselling?

And how long will you stay if nothing changes, a week, 6 months, 5 years? You can set yourself a limit on how long you are willing to wait for change, and have one more conversation with him where you tell him the current situation is making you abjectly lonely and will he be willing to come the counselling with you? (And we hope the rest gets better from there).

You are not obligated to stay in a non marriage forever, if he is actively choosing to not work with you. I agree with the time plan.

You don't have a partner in this marriage, in multiple areas.

He needs counseling. He's checked-out of life, I suspect some mental health issues need to be addressed. The spending spree is another sign of it too

i think you just married the wrong person. i get the feeling you married him hoping he would become someone else, and who he has turned out to be is so incompatible with you that it has rendered this a non-marriage as someone put it.

you ask when enough is enough- whenever it is enough for you is just about right.

that said,

i don't think he is going to be cooperative for as long as he feels heavily conditioned. "sleeping with his wife" might be a motivating factor, "sleeping with the enemy", not so much. forgive the exaggerated phrasing- i don't mean you're literally being an enemy but that being clearly unhappy with him physically, he can't experience you as an encouraging or even just accepting presence. it's not about using "the gentle approach" to getting him to a certain level of physical fitness. i got the impression that was what your physio ball gift was- a kind way of telling him he needed to be in shape. it's about not demanding it, and not binding his value as a partner to it. it's not about making "you're unattractive to me" sound "nice". it also doesn't matter that he gave up before you said a word about his shape or sex-life. he didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday, regardless of how you express it, he's caught on to the fact your affection is dependent upon him keeping a certain lifestyle and appearance. there's nothing really unusual about your expectation of your partner not letting himself go to the point of morbid obesity, i'm not saying the criteria isn't valid. but that to him, the conditioning may be a problem in that he would constantly be expected to push himself to be wanted.

it isn't unusual that he used to be more active and affectionate earlier. people are like that when certain they're loved, and "good", especially as far as SOs are concerned. it's not equally easy for everyone to draw all that from within themselves, especially if frequently discouraged by hints they "need to" be this and that. he was disillusioned about being all that to you as soon as you were i'd guess, isn't that how it goes? ideally everyone would have a good measure of self respect, and their elan and desire for wellness, or recovery, or sustained improvement or simply acceptance of oneself as they are wouldn't be so dependent upon others, and i'm all in favor of doing one's best to maintain an internal locus of control. but he'd hardly be the first person for whom years are simply not enough to develop it, or seek help for it. nor would you be the first or last who simply wasn't willing to waste any more time. and now even if he does pick himself up for himself, you are still the person with the measuring tape/ calorie counter whatever it was, know what i mean?

if you can (or even want to anymore, at this point) coax him closer, it won't be through more of the same, but by recognizing that were he to try to get in shape for you, it would feel like a daily "am i good enough yet" routine, and many people would rather accept being not good enough (whether they believe it to be a fact or your subjective perception of them) than having to "earn" love.

the practical fact remains you require what you require of a partner, and if his lifestyle and shape and idleness are deal breakers, then they simply are. and you can simply leave him over it, as i'm sure many would, and you have the additional reasons, what with the marriage leaving you with much to be desired. it doesn't however sound like he is the kind of person who would pick himself up because otherwise he will be dumped. he already feels dumped, i am certain, and who knows if the only reason he's still there isn't the children, or because he's too lethargic to go through with a separation, or because it perhaps works for everyone on the pragmatic level or whatever.

picturing myself married for four years, four of those spent being made aware i'm not wanted until i shape up, sheesh.

speaking only for myself, while i wouldn't resent it if in my melancholic phases someone left me hanging (preferably on a pull-ups bar thank you!!!), and while i love my workouts, if a guy said they needed to get done for him... i would be tempted to tell him he can go burn off 1200 calories- in hell. on that note, i might even defiantly prop my feet up on his physio ball while slothing away on the couch. and if he then walked out in pursuit of someone fitter, fine, to each their own. adding that if i had the feeling of comfort and trust pulled from underneath me if intimately rejected, i'd have a godawful hard time trying to reestablish intimacy, and might not really want to either, because of the enormous effort required to overcome the resulting inhibition. i mean picture a person flat out not wanting you, how eager are you to get in bed with them? i'd be thinking how about i just make things easier on them and just....retreat. persistent demands that he try harder to measure up only serve to etch it in he is not what you want- and what is the motivation to overcome one's inhibition with the person who is saying you are not what i want? no hard feelings for whatever reason someone doesn't want you, right ( and not in the least saying your four years of a categorically unsatisfying union are anything but a perfectly good reason), but then can they expect you to want to have sex with them, how would that make sense? ("work for" the "benefit" of having sex with the person who is rejecting you?).

jouissance or excessive, compulsive "enjoyment" to the point of pain/ discomfort (such as his hidden compulsive eating, or compulsive spending) is considered a defense against desire. it isn't hard to grasp why it would be so scary for him to be faced with your desire that he'd rather escape it. we can preach mental health all we want, factually, for many the idea of the evaluating gaze, and of being undone by rejection can be sufficiently frightening emotionally one would rather block it out by jouissance. in an orally regressed individual, with oral fixations, and substitute nourishment, wholeness, fullness, you get the drift. not evaluating the stance as either right or wrong, it's simply his (and common) emotional response, and seemingly his dealbreaker to live under the constant threat of rejection, and if yours is that he refuses to get off his arse, then you truly are at an impasse because even if he does, it won't necessarily do anything to get him into the couple scenario again. he knows he's on his own. you feel on your own. another trait of the oral type is the propensity to assume extreme emotional independence and stance of personal strength seemingly out of character, usually manifest when the other has in fact ultimately rejected them. so i wouldn't assume he "can't" snap out of his regressive behavior, as much as he can't do it when it is a demand, relationally.

on one hand you don't want an obese husband, on the other hand you want to be sexually active with a husband. a husband or this husband? i think it's up to you to decide if you want him anymore if you were to drop all expectations. you mention you lack other physical signs of affection too, and it seems you experience him as not affectionate enough generally, and have accepted his dutiful material care of the family as affection for as long as there was hope he'd "improve" in other ways...so maybe you did marry the wrong person, if your satisfaction with this marriage and him being expected to "grow into his full potential" were contingent upon one another.

if you really don't want him unless he changes, he knows it and it's already a done deal and it's kinder ( and less frustrating for you) to leave him than to stay and, verbally or not, repeat to him the message "you are not good enough" day in day out. at this point, it's possible your very presence is a reminder he isn't good enough, and he is either daily hurt over it, or has numbed himself to you, neither of which is conductive of teamwork.

in your corner. absolutely understand you require something on his end, and some reciprocity, and that what you ended up with is simply not what you married for. just throwing out things to think about.

He needs counseling. He's checked-out of life, I suspect some mental health issues need to be addressed. The spending spree is another sign of it too

I agree with that ^

He sounds totally depressed which causes him to be unmotivated and complacent. Sleeping alone has become a habit as well which facilitates his low mood and lack of self-worth.

You have three choices:

1. Leave him and give him some motivation to fix himself because he'll do it to get you back. Right now, you enable him to be the man he's turned into.

2. Learn and understand that you have 100% control over changing YOU. You have zero control over anyone else. So you change yourself to accept him as is or you do the changing and you leave him.

3. Accept who he is and go on with your life making things less stressful for yourself by letting go of the need to change and control him.

If he won't go to counselling for what appears to be depression then why don't you go and talk to someone about why you stay when you're not happy with the man you love. (Love is never enough to keep a relationship happily swimming along).

My ex husband pulled a bait and switch too, so I know it happens.

My ex was very loving, affectionate, considerate of my feelings and made us his world. As soon as we got married (not exaggerating either), he changed. He announced (when I asked for the affection he used to give) that "married people don't act like that" and asked why I wanted to shout our relationship to the world. Funny, that never bothered him before we got married, but once we did it all changed.

My ex's parents had a non-affectionate marriage. He idolized his father and wanted to emulate him, so he behaved the way his dad did. Too bad for me, though, because I thought I'd married the guy he was when we were dating and engaged without knowing his views on marriage.

Yeah, he's my ex husband now. His attitude was a part of why we're not married, but in short it was a basic incompatibility. And I tried, too. For 14 years.

What I tell people is this; imagine the next 40 years of your life is going to be exactly as it is now. How does that make you feel? I'd ask your husband that same question too and see what he says.

Okay, thank you everyone for your input. As I said I love him, just very frustrated about this change in him, since we married. He has a good heart and is a wonderful dad, I'm just hoping this is one of those tough phases when our kids are little. I know he loves our family very much, and I'm hoping he has a moment of clarity about his health and re-embraces the more active lifestyle he had in the past, so that we can enjoy the healthy, active relationship and companionship I thought we were going to have. I'd also prefer not to lose him from a heart attack, etc., and I fear that might happen, if he doesn't start focusing on his health. I am certainly not implying that I'm perfect, either. No one is, and I don't expect perfection from him, just some indication that he is in this with me, and is aware that this lifestyle is having a negative impact and could ultimately shorten and/or worsen his physical quality of life, if he doesn't turn things around. As a few of you have mentioned and as I know in my heart is true, you cannot control someone else. I do think ultimatums are counterproductive and not healthy, but I'm afraid my frustration has tempted me to take that route, which I'd like to avoid, so thanks for the reminder. It helps to get other perspectives. All I can do is be honest and hope that he hears me and is on the same page, goal-wise.

As somebody who once tipped the scale at 302 with a 5'7 frame i can offer input.

My ex i gained one hundred pounds with him in ten years we were together. I was like your husband i let myself go.

My ex was fit and healthy.

He and his mom constantly badgered me about my weight.

They worried about my health. My ex stopped having sex with me towards the end when I reached 300. Before that we had an active sex life.

He told me before we broke up he must have been blind to my fatness to have kept me around.

In those last three years of our relationship i ate my rejection. It was bad enough having his mom harp on me.

I got out of that relationship and lost fifty pounds. Two years later im in a solid relationship where i joined weight watchers to lose the last 95 pounds.

I gained weight because deep down i didnt have the desire to put forth the effort to lose it. Constantly being critisized made me eat more. Threats of my health made me eat more.

Your husband wont change unless he truly desires too.

Whether you want to wait is up to you.

I say for now let him be and he will come around on his own terms.

Lisa

He has an appointment in January with the doctor, so perhaps that will result in a wake up call for him. chi

Sleeo apnea is probably what is exhausting him, and keeping on the weight too. I've had it all my life, even when I was stick-thin. I got a mouthpiece after our first son was born, and it was a life-changer, like a life-changer. Totally covered by insurance. Didn't have to pay a dime. Tell him to get a sleep study, and if it's mild/medium he can totally get one.

And tell him no-screen time after 6pm for the whole family; no phones, TV, internet, video games, and just go do family stuff.

Sex burns calories, don't forget. Two years?????!!! Woman, tell him to get on top of that sleep apnea like yesterday.