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Girlfriend texting another guy


Dsm1gb

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I have come to this forum for help. Any input Is greatly appreciated. I'll try and include as much detail as I can at the moment.

 

I've been with my girlfriend now for over a year. I totally trusted her, but along the way for the first 11 months or so she was insecure and I had to keep re assuring her.

 

We have been having a few problems in our relationship but trying to work through them.

she is very embarrassed in public by simple things and worry a lot about what people think and I don't so we're kind of different in that way. Also, our sex drives are VERY opposite, while I've not pressured her for sex all the time, we are going months without it.

 

Long story short, I walked by the outside window, and she was inside on the couch texting. I walked in and said who are you texting (jokingly) and she said nobody... not realizing I just looked through the window and saw it.

 

As soon as she said that I was thinking to myself wait a second why would she lie? So I decided to push forward, sat next to her and told her I just saw through the window she was texting.

 

I said it's weird for you to lie to me and asked to see. She was very hesitant and almost angry I was asking, I've never gone through or asked for her phone ever.

 

She seems to be closing things as soon as I approach , but I never really pushed the issue because I trusted her.

 

Finally she showed me because I wouldn't let it go. It was another guy she met at her friends house one night when she slept over there.

 

She had a lot of conversation nothing that I would immediately be pissed about but she had deleted the previous few days of text. I found this very suspicious.

 

She said that she has been feeling lonely in our relationship? And that he is fulfilling emotionally for her, and that she has more in common with him than me. She said she doesn't have feelings for him and loves me, but she's just trying to get to know him since it's her friends best friend and it won't be awkward when they all hang out, but from the text messages it was easy to see they were really friendly and It really hurt me.

 

I feel it's hard to be myself around her she has an abrasive personality sometimes, and I'm sensitive so it kind of creates a clash. Sometimes I do feel like breaking up, but I do enjoy the relationship and really like her family.

 

While I'm not an insecure boyfriend I feel that I am being insecure or is this something to be upset about? What do I do?

 

Thank you in advance

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I think her explanation is sketchy. Sounds like she's communicating with him because she's interested. She wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Meaning, she continues to be in a relationship with you, while she continues to get to know this guy. The fact that she admitted that he's fulfilling her needs emotionally instead of you is hurtful. I can't imagine saying that to a boyfriend, or having a boyfriend tell me that his emotional needs are being met by someone other than me, his girlfriend. I'd be ready to call it a day on this relationship. Sounds like she's playing games.

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Thank you for the replies.

 

She told me that I'm treating her like a criminal and she did nothing wrong wich maybe true except I don't know what to do. Is she really trying to have a friend?

 

She cried about it and said she only wants me but she said we don't talk like we used to and she's lonely.

 

I was in the hot tub the other night and asked her to join she says she doesn't like hot tubs and rather play video games or watch a movie... which is what the other guy likes too?

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Yes, you should be very concerned.

 

She has a crush on this guy. Her telling you he's fulfilling her emotionally, that she has more in common with him than you and deleting texts is a bad sign. I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like she's on her way out of your relationship. She is interested in someone else and essentially telling you as much.

 

But I have to wonder how happy you are with her, anyway. No sex in months when you've been together only a year? You also say she can be very abrasive and you've thought about ending it more than once. It sounds like the time to pull the plug has come, as it appears she's already exploring another option.

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Thank you for the replies.

 

She told me that I'm treating her like a criminal and she did nothing wrong wich maybe true except I don't know what to do. Is she really trying to have a friend?

 

She cried about it and said she only wants me but she said we don't talk like we used to and she's lonely.

 

I was in the hot tub the other night and asked her to join she says she doesn't like hot tubs and rather play video games or watch a movie... which is what the other guy likes too?

 

Nope. She is looking at him as much more than a friend and already comparing you to him. This isn't a girl who is invested anymore, OP, despite her crocodile tears and assertion she only wants you. That is false, or she wouldn't be looking to another dude for "emotional fulfillment." If she feels lonely in your relationship, she should be talking to you. Not another guy.

 

She's full of equine manure.

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Thank you for the replies.

 

She told me that I'm treating her like a criminal and she did nothing wrong wich maybe true except I don't know what to do. Is she really trying to have a friend?

 

She cried about it and said she only wants me but she said we don't talk like we used to and she's lonely.

 

I was in the hot tub the other night and asked her to join she says she doesn't like hot tubs and rather play video games or watch a movie... which is what the other guy likes too?

There is your answer. People usually look outside the relationship when their needs are not being met. If you actually did not make yourself available for her and talked less, this may be salvageable if you give her more attention. But if nothing changed on your end and she is claiming you guys don't talk like you used to, it sounds like she has emotionally checked out. Her not getting in the hot tub with you is not a good sign either.

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Thank you for everyone's input. You have all helped me greatly. Any other advice is gladly appreciated as well.

 

Is your gf right? Do you not talk to her as much anymore or give her as much attention?

 

Regardless, talking, attention, tends to lessen as the relationships evolves.

 

In my LTRs, it always did, one can't expect the same level of attention as the early stages, it's not reasonable to expect that.

 

My take is she's bored. This new guy excites her, intrigues her in a way you and your relationship don't anymore.

 

Not your fault, it's just the nature of being in a committed relationship for awhile.

 

You become familiar with each other, the excitement and passion will ebb and flow.

 

It takes a lot of effort to keep a LTR alive, exciting and passionate.

 

Not sure why the tears when confronted, guilt maybe or just not emotionally prepared to leave something safe and familiar.

 

But it's clear she is crushing on him.

 

If it were me, I'd leave them to it, her "interaction" with this other man who meets her emotional needs would not be acceptable to me.

 

It's a form of cheating, in my opinion, emotional cheating, so no thank you.

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Regardless, talking, attention, tends to lessen as the relationships evolves.

In my LTRs, it always did, one can't expect the same level of attention as the early stages, it's not reasonable to expect that.

 

There is a very thin line to cross when the talking and attention subsides during an LTR and then it turns into boredom for one or both parties. Not to totally derail the thread but what can a person do to rekindle the fire? Is it mainly being receptive to the partner's needs? Providing positive surprises?

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From the information you gave, I got to say - she's checking out. You are the safe harbor for now until that guy steps things up, if he doesn't well she still has you. That is until someone else comes along, which is a real possibility. I'd leave, clean break and if there's drama walk away. I don't know how invested you are but there will be some pain, just know that you dodged a bullet and you deserve much better.

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People often just do what they feel based on emotions and then use logic to justify their actions (blaming you/the relationship in this case).

 

If a woman has no integrity, she will continue to write other guys / cheat whenever she feels like it and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it....

 

She does not deserve your loyalty....Just go out on some dates and meet some new women...At least you won't have to feel guilty writing other women as she was writing other guys...I would just break up saying I value high quality women with integrity which she does not have....

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There is a very thin line to cross when the talking and attention subsides during an LTR and then it turns into boredom for one or both parties. Not to totally derail the thread but what can a person do to rekindle the fire? Is it mainly being receptive to the partner's needs? Providing positive surprises?

 

Adding a bit of distance always worked in my relationships (especially my last one) when things became a bit mundane.

 

Talking/communication, especially about the RL and needs, or being "more attentive" rarely works and is highly over-rated when simply adding some distance and doing your own thing works wonders. My ex and I even took separate vacays sometimes.

 

You think about each other, miss each other.

 

My ex especially used to go crazy missing me during those periods. As did I, but him more so.

 

Then when we reconnected, wow, sparks flew, sex intense.

 

Doesn't work for everyone but worked for us. You need to be okay with the distance though. I am but not everyone is.

 

We had other problems, especially at the end, but our relationship was rarely dull and boring and we were together six years.

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We've been fighting for a few days straight and now she says she loves me and wants to be with me but isn't sure she wants to continue in the relationship. That's pretty much my que.

 

I'm sorry, OP.

 

I really think you would be far better to end it. She is showing you and telling you she isn't committed anymore.

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Get ahead of this and break up with her.

 

Been there and trust me, you are better off not prolonging it further

 

Yeah, this situation is done.

 

OP: You may be afraid of being without her but in a sense, you already are and she's already cheating on you emotionally with the other guy. Your sense of self-respect should be telling you not to tolerate this and walk.....

 

Take some time off from dating (very important) to clear your head, get control of yourself emotionally after the break up, read up on relationships, hit the gym.....and when you're ready and you're not comparing every woman you meet to what she was in your mind, start dating again.

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