Engaged... but he drinks. Having second thoughts. Advice please?

Summary: My SO and soon-to-be husband is usually responsible and hardworking. We've been going out for many years and almost everything works out fine. Except for the fact that I would like the future father of my children to drink less, to lead a healthier lifestyle, to make wiser and more mature choices. I point this out to him and he responds well, trying to show that he's committed to me, that he cares, but he ends up drunk and smoking compulsively every single weekend. I don't want to take care of a lung cancer patient in a few years just because he thinks he doesn't "smoke too much". I want a healthy partner to live life with. Sometimes he will apologise to me. I'm not stupid enough to think I can change him and I'm sick of the anxiety all this causes me. How can I put an end to this situation? Is it really too much to ask? Is this a sign that I shouldn't get married?

The full story: I've been with him for over 10 years now and we've changed. We were kids, I used to drink every weekend, do drugs sometimes, go out as much as I could. However, I've been feeling like I'm ready for something else for a long time. I try to stay healthy, I quit smoking and drugs and I don't drink nearly as much as I used to. My perfect weekend plan these days is: staying home and watching movies, eating special dinner, doing things around the house, going hiking in the mountains for a few hours, having lunch/coffee with friends, visiting my/his family, playing guitar.

The thing is he has barely changed his (drinking) habits in at least 10 years (he's 31). He's up for ANY plan that involves drinking. He has a group of friends (they share a hobby) who get drunk at least once day per weekend; usually, two, and quite frequently three or more. Whatever they do, there's always alcohol involved and at first I didn't mind, but it began to worry me, and now it's become a huge concern. I've heard remarks and I know his friends mock me for asking him to drink less. Oh, and he also smokes twice as much when he goes out. I'm worried about his health. I'm disgusted that he enjoys alcohol so much. When I think of him drunk and tasting like an ashtray it really puts me off (to say the very least). I can't stand it. I've made it clear to him that I don't feel comfortable with his lifestyle and he appreciates the fact that I'm committed to the relationship, so he won't argue (much), but in the end he ends up drunk every weekend. He makes up lots of excuses before and after, of course. I accepted it at the beginning but now him apologizing just makes me angry and sad. He loves me and cares about me and he certainly doesn't want me to leave him but he isn't ready to change. I don't think I want to put up with it for the rest of my life. I love him very much and the LAST THING I WANT IS TO BREAK UP, as It would tear us both apart, but the thought has been slowly creeping into my mind. Perhaps I should find someone who's happy just cuddling at home on a Friday night and watching movies. Perhaps I should let him go. It seems like something insane at this stage but maybe it's not too late. Thoughts, please? Have you been in a similar situation?

I think you should hold off marrying him until he proves to you and himself that he can adopt a healthier lifestyle and stick with it. Not for a week or a month but for a year at least. You are right to be concerned about his health, nobody wants to take care of a drunk with lung cancer and that's where he's headed. If he's serious about cleaning up his act he needs to go to AA and learn to get off the booze and get some help with his smoking. I know two hardcore smokers who successfully quit by using hypnosis by a trained person. He has to want to straighten out, you cant make him do it.

Excessive drinking is a deal breaker for me, so I would never get involved and even more, the last thing I would ever do is marry someone who is drunk every weekend. I would never want to bring children into a home where the dad is forever drunk. Just NO.

"I've made it clear to him that I don't feel comfortable with his lifestyle and he appreciates the fact that I'm committed to the relationship, so he won't argue (much), but in the end he ends up drunk every weekend"

I feel like this is an indication of a bigger problem than just mere drinking. Going out with friends every once in a while is great, but you're talking about multiple times a week? So, I feel like either he has a problem with alcohol or he isn't that committed to the relationship (or both). Looks like you are actively taking steps in your relationship that are moving you in a certain direction. He doesn't seem like he's following suit.

I accepted it at the beginning but now him apologizing just makes me angry and sad.

Yeah, because it you're not buying it anymore. You mention that he appreciates that you are committed to the relationship. Well, what about him?

He loves me and cares about me and he certainly doesn't want me to leave him but he isn't ready to change.

Then you guys are definitely not ready for marriage. Period.

I am actually fairly concerned about his use of alcohol as you describe. I was in a relationship with someone who has similar behaviors as you describe. The alcohol use was either shrugged off as no big deal or met with apologies that seemed empty. And it got worse. You will start taking on more the the burden of keeping the relationship together both physically and emotionally and it is going to really start taking a toll on you and I would rather not see someone go through that.

I think you should hold off marrying him until he proves to you and himself that he can adopt a healthier lifestyle and stick with it. Not for a week or a month but for a year at least. You are right to be concerned about his health, nobody wants to take care of a drunk with lung cancer and that's where he's headed. If he's serious about cleaning up his act he needs to go to AA and learn to get off the booze and get some help with his smoking. I know two hardcore smokers who successfully quit by using hypnosis by a trained person. He has to want to straighten out, you cant make him do it.

Thanks for your insight and support, Melancholy. I really need it at this point. I don't mean to say that he drinks during week days—well, maybe a beer or two during dinner once a week, but that's fine. I just think that getting drunk every single weekend is too big a strain on your health. The thing is NOBODY understands my position. His friends think I'm a controlling b*tch. My friends think so too but they love me so they wouldn't put it so bluntly. They think I'm suddenly acting weird, I'm not fun anymore. We live in a society where it's totally acceptable to go out and get totally hammered on Fridays and Saturdays. People say sh*t like "your 30's are your new 20's" while holding a gintonic and snorting their 5th line and they stretch that shallow lifestyle as much as they can but I think it's self-destructive and uninteresting. I feel ashamed of my stance as it is controlling and seemingly boring and people judge me. Everyone would think I've finally lost it if I suggest an AA meeting. They would think that he's a very nice guy and we seem like the perfect couple, why all the nagging? I should just give him some freedom. As for the smoking, it's basically the same. He made a couple of half-arsed attempts at quitting but he just doesn't feel it's important. What are the cons anyway?? Hmph.

It's not that I care so much about what others think (or maybe I do, I don't know), it's that that is the way he feels too. He feels validated whereas I do not.

Excessive drinking is a deal breaker for me, so I would never get involved and even more, the last thing I would ever do is marry someone who is drunk every weekend. I would never want to bring children into a home where the dad is forever drunk. Just NO.

Thank you, Capricorn. The thing is he swears he's not going to be like this all his life. He has told me repeatedly that he will eventually settle down and adopt a more family-oriented lifestyle. My concern is that I won't find out until we're married. He has a good job and I look up to him in a lot of ways. I trust him very much but I don't trust that he can quit two addictions. He's committed to me and I love him very, very, very much. It would break my heart to leave my otherwise perfect fiance. I'm really lost.

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I feel like this is an indication of a bigger problem than just mere drinking. Going out with friends every once in a while is great, but you're talking about multiple times a week? So, I feel like either he has a problem with alcohol or he isn't that committed to the relationship (or both). Looks like you are actively taking steps in your relationship that are moving you in a certain direction. He doesn't seem like he's following suit.

Thanks for your words, Sublimek. Maybe I exaggerated. He doesn't go out during weekdays because that would interfere with his job. His group of friends however have different schedules and they will go out on a Thursday or Tuesday as well as at the weekend. I recently said to him that drinking on Fridays AND Saturdays was more than I was willing to put up with, and he said ok, just one day. So he goes out one day and he drinks (almost compulsively, if you ask me) whether if I'm there or not. If he can get away with it, he will go out both days and do the exact same thing. And then there's always a get-together, a birthday, an office party... His group of friends play a huge part in all this.

He's the one who wanted to marry and he has been very serious about us from the beginning, I don't doubt it at this point. He just wishes I would go out and drink with him and have fun with other people—and I do, I'll have 2-3 beers, dinner, whatever, but I just don't want to go to a f-ing pub to get hammered afterwards because, you know, my liver. I believe he just thinks I'm paranoid and that I have no moral ground to make such demands because I used to drink and smoke in the past. I want to make it clear that I don't mind him going out with friends—what I don't like is the drinking, but he says he can't do one without the other.

Yeah, because it you're not buying it anymore. You mention that he appreciates that you are committed to the relationship. Well, what about him?

I don't know because I believe I get mixed signals. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot lf pros to the relationship and I truly feel he's the man of my life. However I think the sort of marriage he had in mind is different to my idea of a married couple. I know I'm 110% invested in this relationship and that's why I'm worried about stuff like health. He, on the other hand, thinks "we're all gonna die anyway". This sort of thing just makes me think that I put too much energy on us. Maybe I need to pull away a little? We already have a wedding date and I feel like it's a huge red flag that I'm thinking about distancing myself in order to suffer less.

Then you guys are definitely not ready for marriage. Period.

 

I am actually fairly concerned about his use of alcohol as you describe. I was in a relationship with someone who has similar behaviors as you describe. The alcohol use was either shrugged off as no big deal or met with apologies that seemed empty. And it got worse. You will start taking on more the the burden of keeping the relationship together both physically and emotionally and it is going to really start taking a toll on you and I would rather not see someone go through that.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that, and I appreciate you sharing it with me. It really sends shivers down my spine to imagine myself in that situation a few years from now.

It's clear that I need to really think this through but at the same time I don't want to lose the love of my life due to my paranoia and anxiety. I don't think I've made a decision this hard ever.

Sorry—posted the same message twice.

It's clear that I need to really think this through but at the same time I don't want to lose the love of my life due to my paranoia and anxiety. I don't think I've made a decision this hard ever.

I don't feel like you are being paranoid at all. I would call it growing up. Your 30s may be the new 20s, but that doesn't mean you can postpone life's responsibilities either. What happens when you do eventually get married, have kids, etc? Will he be going off with his friends when they call on him and leave you at home tending to the little ones? Is this the sort of marriage you referred to that you felt he had in mind?

Yeah, it's not an easy thing to have going through your head. You are invested in this guy and it seems like you really care about him, so it's not a simple matter of "Yeah, you should just GTFO." But you are making active changes in your life that are at odds with his current lifestyle, and you have even stated yourself, that he isn't ready to change. Putting 110% into a relationship is great, but what happens when you start having to put in 120%? 130%? 140, 150....You're going to start to feel like Atals with the weight of the world on your shoulders and I'm sorry to tell you, you aren't a god, you're just a mere mortal. You can't carry that burden forever.

Sorry I don't mean to "send shivers down your spine" regarding this. But he has to be on board with the changes you want to make. It doesn't mean he can't hang out with friends, but he seems to be placing the bulk of his focus there instead of on you and the relationship. Have you guys considered counseling or speaking with a professional?

Why "can't " he hang out with his friends without drinking? What awful thing will happen if he doesn't drink?

Do you feel he places more importance on what his friends think of him than on what YOU think of him?

If his life changes to accommodate the relationship, he may resent you for it, especially given his comments. It seems he will see the relationship as limiting him.

I find that a significant risk factor and agree with your discomfort.

I would rather see him make an opening in his life into which a relationship might flow. Then let it happen.

I get the sense he wants to keep you and therefore is pursuing marriage to ensure that you stay together. Being married isn’t what keeps people together, the way they approach their lives together is what keeps them together. He may be using marriage to keep you when he needs to be using his own behavior.

I am certified in substance abuse and I would like to share some information with you. Your man is a binge drinker. That is far worse for his health than if he drank every single day. He is an alcoholic. You need to get out of this relationship until such time that he rehabilitates himself. In the meantime, you are an enabler.

I am certified in substance abuse and I would like to share some information with you. Your man is a binge drinker. That is far worse for his health than if he drank every single day. He is an alcoholic. You need to get out of this relationship until such time that he rehabilitates himself. In the meantime, you are an enabler.

 

This is worth repeating. OP, I understand you love him, but at the same time, all I see is you making excuses for his behaviour. He may promise you (all the time it seems), but so far, he doesn't follow through. Believe me, he will NOT change just because he gets married. You would be very naive to think/believe so.

You have all the red warning flags waving in your face. You should take heed.

Thank you, Capricorn. The thing is he swears he's not going to be like this all his life. He has told me repeatedly that he will eventually settle down and adopt a more family-oriented lifestyle. My concern is that I won't find out until we're married. He has a good job and I look up to him in a lot of ways. I trust him very much but I don't trust that he can quit two addictions. He's committed to me and I love him very, very, very much. It would break my heart to leave my otherwise perfect fiance. I'm really lost.

Don't bet on potential. What you see now is what you get, regardles of what he tells you about the future. Maybe he will change, but likely, you'll just get more of the same. And, alcohol abuse is progressive, and generally gets worse with time.

I would give him, and yourself a time frame. For him, a time frame for sobriety. And for you, a timeframe for when you will walk away if he doesn't get serious. Think about how long a time you want to resonably wait for him to get himself together and get sober.

Stick to these timeframes, don't back down, people are only allowed so many chances.