She Wants More but I have Concerns

There is so much to discuss but I will try and sum it up quickly:

Been with my gf for 4.5 years. I moved in with her, her now 11 y/o daughter and her now 22 y/o brother 2.5 years ago. The living situation for the following 2 years was not great. Her brother, while admittedly has some mental health issues, did not pull his weight and my gf and I picked up his slack physically and even financially. He moved out with his gf this past summer so now it is the 3 of us.

My gf wants to take the next step, buying a house and even marriage. I am a little nervous to take that plunge again for several reasons:

I have already been married and it turned out awful. I know it can always be different the second time around but at 40 y/o and not wanting kids of my own, I don't really see the point.

She is still legally married to her "ex" and the father of her kid. She claims that the costs involved with the divorce is why she hasn't filed yet. But does it really make sense to propose to someone who is still married?

Her family has always been very nice to me but they are troubled. Her three siblings all have dealt with substance abuse or have dated people with the same issues. Her mother also has mental health issues. At any point in the future it is realistic that one of them would need a place to stay for an extended period time and/or would need financial help.

Her kid is great and I care about her. While I don't do everything for her, I do my share. My gf doesn't drive so I make sure she gets to school, daycare, choir practice, friends houses, etc. My gf and I split the bills so essentially I help feed her and keep a roof over her head and a safe living environment. I buy her gifts for holidays and birthdays and when the three of us go to the movies, dinner, etc, I pay fairly often. I am a person who doesn't express emotions easily so I am not a lovey dovey type caregiver but her kid does love me. She's a good kid in generally although I do feel she can take me for granted. I hear a lot of statements from her like "you have to take me here, get me a drink and silverware (after I served her a meal), etc. Maybe normal for an 11 y/o but my gf doesn't always correct her.

One of the biggest concerns is that my gf wants me to take on more responsibility for the kid, mostly financial. When we first got together, I told her that I would gladly accept her kid but preferred not to take on serious emotional and financial responsibility. Her husband continues to back off and pays less and less. Now, he needs a liver transplant and may only have a few years left, although his health is still pretty good. If he passes, she may look to me to be the sole male provider and while it sounds awful, I don't think this is a role I want. She is an expensive child and while children should not go without, I really can't afford to take on the costs involved in raising her for another 7 years. I could see if the father was totally out of picture but this request from my gf stems from the fact that her ex simply wont step up to the plate.

Despite the things I do for her and her kid, I get a lot of passive aggressive comments like, "its so hard being a single mom and getting no help, It a shame my daughter has no man in her life, no one cleans around here (I do clean a lot but her brother didnt when he lived there). These statements simply aren't true.

In spite of all of the above, I do think my gf is a good person who loves me and is trying to do right by her family and her child. But with all of these issues, I can sense lots of trouble once we reach the married state. I really don't want to go through a divorce again. I have suggested counseling and am willing to try that first.

Are the issues above valid concerns on my end? Can they be worked out? I am not saying I have been the best partner either but I have tried my best to do right by her and her family.

Hey brother I think you have a wonderful relationship with her but you are letting her and her family cross your boundaries you need to stand up for yourself like man of course out of love for them but for yourself ass well I think you should speak up stand up for justice it may not be a major problem now but as long as you don't put order in a mature leader way they will go further until it's unmanageable it's like you are letting her and her family make all the decisions of you life pressuring you that spoil girl taking you for granted is not that they are bad it that you are allowing it you are feeling pressure into a decision my opinion. Talk to her in a mature way take all this things of your chest say what you feel if she doesn't understand you or gets mad don't mind leave her alone and stand by your opinion and choice all women are like that she will understand and cool off they wine cry yell but when we as man act like a man and stand by our decision the complain but feel vulnerable and feminine because u r the men. Best of luck I'm sorry if any of my words offended you I don't use them exclusively to you I talk gwnerelazing including myself best of luck brother.

It's me again when she says again it's a shame being single and receiving no help in a mature loving but firm way you respond oh so I don't help you you are saying really? You have to think before you say those type of things. If she says you don't clean you say I do clean but your brother doesn't tell him that I won't clean his mess he has to clean and help here too again not mad but firm when her daughter demands or talks to you like she is giving you an order you say that's not the way to ask for help you say please and thank you I mean is not lol like your going to start a war zone but is an example how much can you take my friend how about how you feel does it even matter what's your opinion are you gonna let her and her family run your life you can be their leader in s loving and mature way but standing for what is right talk to her about the whole ex situation confront them in a good way start standing up for what you feel and don't allow nobody to take you for granted or to try to manipulate you with guilt victim act etc..good luck brother

The biggest problem here is that you have incompatible future goals.

You don't want to get married again, she does.

You don't want to have children and all the accompanying responsibilities, she wants you to assume the father role to her child.

It's time for you to mentally step back, OP, and think about whether there's really a future here. She might be a good woman at heart, but she wants things that you don't.

I'm with MadamCanuck here in that you have differing future wants and this will cause friction between you as time goes by. And note, there is no compromise here. You can't be half married.

Not wanting to get married again and take on the responsibilities of someone elses child is perfectly reasonable. And she does not have the right to enforce this upon you.

That she wants someone to be there for her daughter and to support both of them is a valid requirement too, especially as her ex is flunking out of this more and more.

You have raised some very important concerns. The father is responsible for his child financially, not you. Also your gf needs to invest in a lawyer to arrange a divorce and child support/custody agreement. Unfortunately the fact that it is her(and her husband's?) house leaves you with less say over allowing deadbeat relatives to move in and mooch. It may be time to step back, not forward and reflect on the logistics.

She is still legally married to her "ex" and the father of her kid. my gf wants me to take on more responsibility for the kid, mostly financial. Her husband continues to back off and pays less and less.

While obviously you shouldn't be cutting her daughter out of your portion of the grocery bill or anything, it'd be a pretty serious red flag for me if a lady going out of her way to tell me to be more financially responsible for her and another man's biological child. What reason in the world she has to not get a divorce finalized and set up court-mandated visitation and child support is beyond me, but it's a great question for you to ask her.

I was honestly on her side just a tad until I read she was still married and had these expectations of you. While I can understand the fact you've essentially "been there, done that," I can't blame a mother for wanting the sense of stability that comes with marriage for both her and her child. But to say the other circumstances overshadow that is putting it quite lightly.

There are plenty of single mothers out there who in fact do hold the biological fathers to task and are happy to have any new man in their life play a mentoring role rather than taking over as the father, so it's not like I can tell you to avoid them all... but I'd definitely, definitely not take lightly the conflicting end-game here, even if she weren't still married.

This may be way off, but her husband is ill.

Does she have a life insurance policy on him?

That's a good reason to not divorce.

Sadly, I know someone who did this. It's bottom of the barrel scum sucking, IMHO.

A divorce can be filed at relatively no expense, especially if she can prove financial hardship.

Then costs can be waived. An attorney isn't needed unless it's a bitter, contested divorce.

Even then, if not able to pay, legal aid can be appointed.

Even family relations are available in courts to act as mediators with a divorce, at no cost.