Super confused (ex) wife - very complicated situation.

Hi everyone.. Just lookin some insight on my situation since i can't see clearly at the moment. Important: In 90 days i haven't contacted her not once. She sends text measage every day from first day i left till today. (just got one now while writing this)

So 90 days ago, i found out my wife of 7 years has been texting someone. I always trusted her 100%. Our sex life and affection was great. I i was so hurt that i moved away to another apartment the same day i found the messages. In the end i met the guy she was texting, and nothing happened beetween them (but that is irelavant to me at the moment).

30 days after i moved away, i wanted to get back, didn't plead or beg, just said i think that our marriage was great and we should work on it together. And BAAM. She was really depressed, on sleeping pills from our separation, looked really not good.. And told me that now she needs time for herself,to find herself because she feels lost in her life. She said she never wanted me to leave our home, but as the situation happened, the shock to her, to everyone around us that niw she doesn't want to get back.

60 days.- nothing has changes between 30-60, she still doesn't know the answers. But shw decided to go to psychotherapy to "find herself". On the other hand, i moved away to another country 1500miles away.

Last 30 days, while i am away, she can't handle sometimes the pain and calls just to hear my voice, but also sends text messages every day. When i ask her about marriage, she says she still doesn't have answers, but that she loves me, misses our marriage, that we are part of each other, and in future sees us together, with children and everything. But not now. In 3 days (90 days since separation) i am going back for holidays, and she is insisting for us to see each other, but asked me not to talk about marriage.

When i tell her that i have to file divorce papers, because this is going on for too long, and i am living in limbo, and it is to hard to move on or heal in this situation, she doesn't wan't to even consider it. She knows that she has to make a decision in time for us to get back together or divorce, but she can't accept me filling for divorce.

So the thing ia that she is promising all the stuff in the future but her actions are telling me otherwise. She is postponing her decision until ahe heals and gets stronger. She says she wants to work on herself to get stronger for us. I feel she wants to stay in contact until she gets stronger so she can move on. But i have had sincere talk to her couple of times since our separation, and sometimes she really looks confused and lost.

Any advice what should i do? File divorce papers? Wait for her to come to her mind?

Feeling lot of pain and lost here...

Well hi, I hope you are okay. From what you just said, I can see that she is confused. The thing about confused people is, you shouldn't push them to something, they need time to think about everything and clear their mind. If you really love her a lot and you feel like she is the right one for you, I think you should give her some time, but some time doesn't mean forever. Let her know that you will give her some time, but after the time passed, she needs to make her decision. And when I say "time", I mean that you shouldn't talk to her at all in this period, because this could be very important to her and maybe without this alone-time she can't think straight.

On the other side if you feel like she might not be the right one for you, you should move on from her and try to heal. I know this sounds awful but if you feel this way, then you need to move on.

My final advise is, just follow your heart, and also let her know that you're in pain too, and after the time you gave her passes she needs to make a final decision and stick to it.

Also if you need someone to talk to further more about this, I'm here.

Thank you very much for your help! I do love her sincerely from my heart, but my mind says that she might not be the right person for me. I am very analytical. But heart says different story... When you say "time" i asked her to stop contacting me multiple times and to figure out things on her own, but she does it EVERY DAY. I told her just half hour ago i have to move on, (didn't tell her this -> i am afraid if i wait for her, when she heals she will decide to divorce and move on, she just doesn't know it yet, and I will be more hurt. It also sucks to be somebody's backup plan). So half an hour ago i told her after she contacted me again, the i am very sorry but have to file divorce papers so both of us can continue to live our lives. She said: don't file the papers! Let as at least see each other when you come home. It is at least what i deserve!.. And then how she is going to move to country where i live now etc.. But after three months it is very hard to trust somebody who is only strong on words.

Yes I understand that you're having a hard time trusting her, but did she ask you to meet up with her before, or did she ever say that she will move to your country or is this the first time ?

When i was at home, first 2 months after separation, she wanted to see me all the time. As i moved away for work last 30 days, and now she knows i will be back home in couple days for holidays , she is begging to meet with me but not to talk about marriage. Just to see me.

As for following me here, in coutry where i work, she said it couple of times. But as i know her, she is very emotional and when she is hurting, she believes what she saying, until she calms down. She is not thinking things over and reacting and saying things impulsively.

I just went through a very long break-up get back together process. I basically tried to leave my BF for a period of about a month but I was leaving him because I thought I had a chance to get back together with an ex. I ended not getting back together with him and realized how much I really do love my myBF. I would recommend that you not contact her and then if you want to write a letter to her and write out your feelings and maybe by writing you will figure out if you want her back. Do you want her back? What's the reason ?

You guys are married so there has to be a pretty strong bond there to begin with. good luck

Do you trust her ?

You see a few txts and move out the same day?

Were they that bad, did you see them, and if so, what was said and how long was it going on?

I just went through a very long break-up get back together process. I basically tried to leave my BF for a period of about a month but I was leaving him because I thought I had a chance to get back together with an ex. I ended not getting back together with him and realized how much I really do love my myBF. I would recommend that you not contact her and then if you want to write a letter to her and write out your feelings and maybe by writing you will figure out if you want her back. Do you want her back? What's the reason ?

 

You guys are married so there has to be a pretty strong bond there to begin with. good luck

Thank you for your support. I do want her back. We had a good marriage, i can honestly say without bigger problems. No arguments, fighting, both well educated, just the problem is she is little bit immature for her age. She is 31. I want her back beacuse i miss her, miss our marriage, and nothing so badly happened that i think cannot be fixed. From my point of view.

Do you trust her ?

I do. I believe nothing happened between two of them. Her immaturity and little bit of grass is greener on other side made her text that guy. I don't belive she would be so crazy that she would text me and call me every day if there was something more between them. Or maybe she is just addicted to much to me.

Hey Lester. I have to admit, it was little bit impulsive decision. I was really hurt. Never was jealous, never asked where she is or what is she doing. She had lots of male friends and i never questioned her. And then unfamiliar guy entered her life. 5 years younger than her. Texting lasted for 3-4months. Non sexual or emotional. More in a flirty style.

Sounds like you overreacted big time. You say you're analytical but you did not think this one through and made a rash decision.

You need to discuss what actually happened. Who this friend is and why you are uncomfortable with the nature of the friendship. Get some facts to fill the voids buddy.

I disagree with giving her more space and time. You have no control over how the void in communication is being filled, and what assumptions are taking the place of unknown facts. It's already 3 months.

Talk to her, not at her. Tell her you love her too and want to stay married. That you suggest you put a target date on your first counselling session, and for God's sake attend it!

Sounds like you overreacted big time. You say you're analytical but you did not think this one through and made a rash decision.

You need to discuss what actually happened. Who this friend is and why you are uncomfortable with the nature of the friendship. Get some facts to fill the voids buddy.

I disagree with giving her more space and time. You have no control over how the void in communication is being filled, and what assumptions are taking the place of unknown facts. It's already 3 months.

Talk to her, not at her. Tell her you love her too and want to stay married. That you suggest you put a target date on your first counselling session, and for God's sake attend it!

I asked her if we should counseling together, but of course she said no, that she has to go through this alone. I assume that that is a good poniter for me that she is stringing me along, calling and texting, because she still doesn't have decison. She doesn't want to lose me because she doesn't know what is right decison for her. To reconcile or to go her own way.

Also, her saying "i love you", i asked her if she loves me as a friend, she said no, "i love you like i used to".

My point, is if you love someone, you can't be confused, you can't just let them go. I believe that she is hurting alot because she lost marriage, and everything that goes with marriage, but that is not love.

That is why i am going to meet with her next week, after not seeing each other for 6weeks. But for my sake, health, and to move on, i have to remove myself from her confused life, and her equation.

It has been 3 months and nothing changed.

If anybody is interested i will post the progress and what happens.

Inappropriate text messages are not a marriage ending situation, however the reason she felt the need to get that attention from someone other than her husband maybe is. If she misses you and can't accept divorce then she would be with you- she has that option and she continues to not take advantage of that. You didn't go outside of your marriage but I am wondering why you are allowing her to decide if you are worth having?

"I believe that she is hurting a lot because she lost marriage, and everything that goes with marriage, but that is not love."

- Ha!

In my entire time here on ENA, I've never seen anyone like you.

You talk about her "love" after instantly leaving her over nothing more than a bump in the road.

You then compound that unloving/non-marriage act by cutting contact, moving to another country!

Now you want her to do this and do that.

Jooop, you need to learn what love and marriage REALLY is.

"I believe that she is hurting a lot because she lost marriage, and everything that goes with marriage, but that is not love."

- Ha!

 

In my entire time here on ENA, I've never seen anyone like you.

You talk about her "love" after instantly leaving her over nothing more than a bump in the road.

 

You then compound that unloving/non-marriage act by cutting contact, moving to another country!

 

Now you want her to do this and do that.

Jooop, you need to learn what love and marriage REALLY is.

Possible i don't know. I always thought that respecting someone, having a great partnership, friendship, sex life, emotional support and connection is love. Also rejecting other girls without thinking even for sec, because you have somebody who you respect and love and couldn't imagine your life without them is love. Also creaating and building your future for 2 of you not for yourself is love. Could be i am wrong?

Unfortunately for moving to another country, i live in a country where is very tought to find a job. So i had to move.

Anyway i met with her, and she is very affectionate towards me, wants to hang out with me all the time. She said she wants to see if we can reconect. But i can also see she is very very lonlye and i cant figure out if that is the reason she wants to hang out while i am here. You may not understand, but if i recconect with her, and leave in 2 weeks for work and we don't reconcile it will be very hard for me. Living abroad, after failled marriage, leaving all your friends and your life is hard. Sometimes abroad i feel like lonliest man in the world.

True, they are wonderful parts of love/marriage, but so is standing by a hurt/troubled/sick loved one.

Great distances and separation kill millions of otherwise healthy/compatible marriages each year.

Can you both move to that country?

Hi Lester. Unfortunately i am losing hope, she still says she needs time to decide, but wants to hang out to see what will happen in her emotions. Am i wrong if i feel like she is taking only as much as she needs and giving little to keep me on string? I have a strong gut feeling that she is keeping me around until she feels ok. Don't know why i am doing this to myself. Before this i used to be confident and happy in my life. I am a mess now and i don't know how to get out of it.

Let me help you with that. (the mess)

Do YOU want to be married to her?

You may think this question is so ridiculously simple it's not worthy of a response or just something to breeze over.

If so: I've asked that question many times here on ena and only a couple husbands answered emphatically YES!

They're still married!

The rest? They're lost in a world of non-marriage.

Extreme emotions, blame games, empty relationships, no growth or change, retaliatory thinking, money, power struggles, ego, self-worth etc, etc, etc.

So Jooop, it either you love her and want to be married to her..., or not.

So far, you been letting your reactions do the talking, and are for some reason you're surprised when she's been listening.

More later.

YES i do!

Also there are no games, money problems, retaliatory thinking, but yes my ego is hurt i admit and my self worth is down to drain at the moment. Power struggles, might be, really not sure, of course i would like her to show more investment, and involvment. But even if i ask her if she is happy alone, she says she isn't, but her life seems solid. Listening for your advice?

Okay, here goes...

1. You must stop overreacting..., FOREVER! Your emotional immaturity would drive away any woman! (Most likely the reason for all of this in the first place?)

2. When you talk to her (NO TXT), you must tell her what you told me..., "YES i do"! I love you and want to be your husband forever!

3. Next you must learn about women. Not just her, but all women. To accomplish this, read Gary Smalley's "If only he knew" (Don't let her see this book!)

4. Once you start getting your "genuine husband" feet under you; You must find a way of getting back under one roof. This is critical! Even a healthy marriage couldn't survive what you did to it.

THANK YOU Lester very much! From all advices in last three months from all people around me, in the end i get best advice from "stranger" on forum.

Regarding "YES i do"! I love you and want to be your husband forever!" if her response would be negative" not sure still", "not ready yet", "just want to hang out to see where it goes", Lester, what would your respone be?

"Lester, what would your [response] be?"

- "I understand."

Even though a newbie, and you most likely don't understand, you say 'I understand', and think, think, think.

"...if her response would be negative" not sure still", "not ready yet", "just want to hang out to see where it goes",

- These types of statements/reactions are normal and to be expected.

You hurt her deeply and she's going to let you know how.

You'll think it sucks, but it's how re-balanced marriages are born. (She's not like you!)

Helpful Hint:

- It takes 2 to 5 years to create your new, better then ever marriage. (Just like meeting her for the first time and dating..., without some of the expenses. )

Btw, we're not strangers. I know you, and know you well! I've walked in you shoes and have been exactly where you are now.

Hi Lester.. Just wanted to tell you my progress. We had a date and i honestly told her what you told me. She said she wants to save marriage but we will be separated now for couple of days during Christmas (families in different cities) but after that she said she wants to give 110% in saving this.. but during Christmas she wants to speak with her aunt who is some kind of psychotherapists. Also she said she is not ready to that we live together from the start which i said i understand.