Unsure wife

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and we have been together for 9 1/2 years. She’s 35 and I’m 30. We have 2 children (1&3) and she is now telling me that she may not love me anymore.

She’s very work/career minded and I’m not. We both worked full time up untill the first born. When the 2nd born came I went self employed and we bought a property for me to renovate and sell. The plan was to buy properties, renovate them, then buy another and keep doing that. However the property didn’t sell so I ended up being a stay at home dad 2 days a week while trying to find work for the remaining 3 days. This didn’t pan out as hoped and bringing money in mysids was few and far between.

My wife then started a new full time job in June, which she loves. It came to my attention 2 weeks ago that she was texting another coworker inappropriately, I confronted her and kind of sorted it out untill it happened again a few days later. Since then she’s informed me that it’s completely stopped and I need to focus on us.

She’s now told me that she doesn’t know if she loves me anymore and there’s no physical sexual attraction. She says I’m a great husband and dad. I’m not ugly but I’m not amazing. I’m a little overweight but I’ve told my wife in my eyes she stunning and gorgeous (which she is).

Your wife is having an affair, OP. Notice I used the present tense; I wouldn't believe for a moment she's stopped. Check your phone records to get a better sense of how often they communicate, and how long this has been going on. Do not take her word for it.

You two need to decide whether you want to try to save this, in which case marriage counselling would be in order. If not, she needs to understand what divorce will look like for her, if she truly wants out of the marriage.

Her current behaviour is unacceptable.

I never quite get the whole "she was texting someone else and we sorted it" thing, like it was just brushed under the carpet

I mean what would she prefer? Her staying home with the kids? You both working and paying for childcare rather than one being home? Are you two struggling financially as a result of your being out of work? Is renting out the unsold house and managing the property as at least some form of part-time work out of the question?

I say this not out of any kind of personal belief, but given that stay-at-home moms are increasingly stigmatized, you can only imagine how much it's the case for men who are out of work / taking care of the house and kids. Probably one of the more reliable ways to get a good chunk of women drier than the Sahara. You've really gotta go the extra mile to show you're not taking it for granted without putting them on some kind of pedestal.

Assuming you're doing your full part in taking care of the kids and the home, I think it's pretty understandable you've lagged in finding work. But then again, I don't know what this "2 days SAHD / 3 days finding work" means. Are you not looking after the kids during those three days? It's much harder to sympathize if that's the case.

Have you two undergone any form of marriage counseling? To be honest, that's something you two should have gone through immediately after this unplanned situation unfolded so as to preempt any inevitable resentment or loss of respect. It's obvious a good chunk has already set in and the sooner you two can get some form of mediation going, the better.

I never quite get the whole "she was texting someone else and we sorted it" thing, like it was just brushed under the carpet

I think because she wasn’t really liking home life that she was liking the attention. I know for a fact that nothing has happened between them both. My wife never shows any emotion but she broke down in tears apologising after this happened

She loves work and is not willing to give it up. We have no money worries.

The 2 days SAHD/ d say at home means that Inhave my children for 2 days a week and they’re in childcare for the other days. I think that I’ve just got myself into a rut being off for 3 days.

We are starting counselling next week, she doesn’t want to go as she doesn’t believe in it but she said she’s willing to give it a try.

I mean what would she prefer? Her staying home with the kids? You both working and paying for childcare rather than one being home? Are you two struggling financially as a result of your being out of work? Is renting out the unsold house and managing the property as at least some form of part-time work out of the question?

 

I say this not out of any kind of personal belief, but given that stay-at-home moms are increasingly stigmatized, you can only imagine how much it's the case for men who are out of work / taking care of the house and kids. Probably one of the more reliable ways to get a good chunk of women drier than the Sahara. You've really gotta go the extra mile to show you're not taking it for granted without putting them on some kind of pedestal.

 

Assuming you're doing your full part in taking care of the kids and the home, I think it's pretty understandable you've lagged in finding work. But then again, I don't know what this "2 days SAHD / 3 days finding work" means. Are you not looking after the kids during those three days? It's much harder to sympathize if that's the case.

 

Have you two undergone any form of marriage counseling? To be honest, that's something you two should have gone through immediately after this unplanned situation unfolded so as to preempt any inevitable resentment or loss of respect. It's obvious a good chunk has already set in and the sooner you two can get some form of mediation going, the better.

She loves work and is not willing to give it up. We have no money worries.

The 2 days SAHD/ d say at home means that Inhave my children for 2 days a week and they’re in childcare for the other days. I think that I’ve just got myself into a rut being off for 3 days.

We are starting counselling next week, she doesn’t want to go as she doesn’t believe in it but she said she’s willing to give it a try.

I'm sorry, I can imagine that really hurt you what she said and her fooling around. Being a family is supposed to be through thick and thin, and the current challenges aren't even that big in relation to all the things that can happen during a life. Your plans not panning out exactly as planned isn't that a big a deal, relatively, is what I mean. Some tweaking and things will be smoother in that aspect again.

But instead of sticking by you and working it out as a team, she right away chose to stray and to starve off the attractions between you. I'm sure you aren't perfect but that choice is all on her.

Councilling is a great option and I hope it works out for you. She has to earn back your trust.

Well....stay at home moms have been facing contempt and criticism and infidelity from their career driven spouses for years and years, so welcome to the club.

Definitely hold her to going to marital counseling and don't sweep her infidelity under the rug. Even if you don't think anything happened physically, emotional cheating can be even more damaging. Besides, it is interfering with the connection you and her have and thus her telling you that gosh she just doesn't feel whatever ..... You are the boring, stay at home, bring nothing interesting to the table, living off her and being taken for granted hubby while her job and colleagues are exciting.... Woman needs a cold bucket of wake me up before she wrecks her life. You, OP, need to become a whole lot less passive asap.

Honestly, yeah. I think you shot yourself in the foot agreeing to dedicated days of looking for work and not having any responsibility for the kids while they're in daycare.

The days of dedicating 8-hours downtown, walking door to door and asking for applications are long over, and (depending on your profession, obviously, but generally speaking) there's not much more you're going to accomplish in 8-hours hitting up brick & mortars that you wouldn't if you just had your wife help out with the kids a couple hours at night while you look online and send out resumes. I can understand sending the kids to daycare on an occasional basis if you've got an interview lined up, or you do occasionally want to walk the beat and ask in-person, but you've set yourself up where your wife sees, "he's had 24 hours a week for however many weeks," which just isn't feasible. Now if you wanted to take those three days off to work on some kind of professional development, classes, accreditation, or whatever to make yourself more marketable for a good job, that's another story. But I don't see how you could make it exclusively about the job hunt.

And it should be said that I wouldn't say this at all excuses her from what she did with the coworker. It's just unsurprising.

Best of luck with counseling. Approach it with some humility, but definitely be assertive where necessary. We'd all appreciate you following up if you end up feeling like it.

Honestly, yeah. I think you shot yourself in the foot agreeing to dedicated days of looking for work and not having any responsibility for the kids while they're in daycare.

 

The days of dedicating 8-hours downtown, walking door to door and asking for applications are long over, and (depending on your profession, obviously, but generally speaking) there's not much more you're going to accomplish in 8-hours hitting up brick & mortars that you wouldn't if you just had your wife help out with the kids a couple hours at night while you look online and send out resumes. I can understand sending the kids to daycare on an occasional basis if you've got an interview lined up, or you do occasionally want to walk the beat and ask in-person, but you've set yourself up where your wife sees, "he's had 24 hours a week for however many weeks," which just isn't feasible. Now if you wanted to take those three days off to work on some kind of professional development, classes, accreditation, or whatever to make yourself more marketable for a good job, that's another story. But I don't see how you could make it exclusively about the job hunt.

 

And it should be said that I wouldn't say this at all excuses her from what she did with the coworker. It's just unsurprising.

 

Best of luck with counseling. Approach it with some humility, but definitely be assertive where necessary. We'd all appreciate you following up if you end up feeling like it.

Thank you all for your replies. I tumhibknyoure right I did shoot myself in the foot. As I’m

Now actively job hunting and trying my

Best hopefully she will wake up and realise

Look, it's not just about you working or not. Your emotional connection with each other got lost somewhere along the way. Never ever underestimate the importance of that. Look up why women cheat. It's a little different from men a lot of the time, especially emotional cheating. Burying yourself in a job and becoming even more distant with each other isn't going to be the solution you are looking for, other than drive you even further apart.

Not saying that you shouldn't be looking for work in a more realistic manner. So on that note, I think you and her really need to sit down and discuss how you actually want to raise your children and what that takes. I mean if you both want to pursue jobs and careers, then your children will be relegated to daycare and nannies. Is that really a good thing and are you two honestly good with strangers raising your children? You both need to have some serious and hard conversations about that. Also, you do need to talk honestly about what is missing in your marriage? How do you bring the spark back?

Thank you all for your replies. I tumhibknyoure right I did shoot myself in the foot. As I’m

Now actively job hunting and trying my

Best hopefully she will wake up and realise

At this point, it's no longer about you stepping up the job hunt effort, as important as it of course is. Now I don't know if you two had a plethora of issues going before the employment funk set in, but without you having hinted so, all signs point to the woman having quite simply lost respect for you as a partner. If it weren't this specific guy at work she was flirting with, it'd be another guy at work. Why? Because, frankly, pretty much any guy is going to seem more like a man to her. The regular exposure just makes the opportunity to stray easier.

Now bear in mind, I really, really try to shy away from using this kind of language and starkly gendered angle, but there's an overwhelming amount of studies, statistics, conjecture, and whatever else in the world you want to pull up that show a large number of women have a very hard time maintaining respect for a man who even just makes a few grand less than them, much less one who stays at home with the kids. And that's not to pick on women as it's pretty much the same arbitrary, unfair, and unfortunately very relevant prejudice a guy might have after awhile of his lady not "taking care of him" by being the one to cook and clean despite all other contributions being equal.

Except in your case, for over a year, you were neither contributing financially or with the children nearly half the week. Pretty much the bottom of the totem pole. (To degender it a bit, most men would lose respect for a woman in that position. It's simply to suggest how stacked the stigma is.)

And none of that is meant to kick you while you're down. But, guy... you gotta step it up. If she has lost that respect for you, she's not going to want to sit there and spell out a list of things you can do to get her to see you as an equal again. She's going to roll her eyes if you come into the kitchen saying how many jobs you applied for that day. She's going to want you to just do it. And when I say "step it up," I mean step it up for you. Reestablish your own sense of worth and that will go much further than trying to prove anything to her.

Before it sounds like I'm disagreeing with DF about having a conversation, I'm not. But I would first wait for your counseling sessions and see if you can't come up with a concrete plan to get it done based simply on what she has to say there. I'd be very curious to know how it goes down and, obviously without contradicting any professional opinion the counselor may have, maybe provide some more tuned insight. Who knows? I may be 100% off with my hunch on all this.

And, again as a disclaimer, I'm not trying to dismiss her fault in this. There's the obvious emotional cheating. But there's also her having let it get this far without communicating (assuming she hasn't indeed done so and it was just lost on you).

start exercising.

Sell that extra property - was it a bad speculation on your part?

work for someone who flips properties if you can't hack it yourself. What about doing real estate? Getting a license so you can have your hand in properties and selling them without as much money outlay?

Great advise but I honestly believe he would know how to get a job. It's that fact that he admits `he got himself into a rut' during his 3 days off a week that sealed the deal.

Career advice is a good but it's a little late for that. He had the opportunity to keep his wife's respect but just chose not to.

It time to step up and light a fire underneath it.

I hope marriage counseling work for you.

Turns out she’s still cheating and talking about splitting up next month. I’ve seen all this on her phone. I have lost all respect for her and I’m sorting out a solicitor in due course. Sorry to waste your time but I really thought that we could of saved our marriage. Just shows that both parties need to be 100% committed for it to work

Turns out she’s still cheating and talking about splitting up next month. I’ve seen all this on her phone. I have lost all respect for her and I’m sorting out a solicitor in due course. Sorry to waste your time but I really thought that we could of saved our marriage. Just shows that both parties need to be 100% committed for it to work

I am really sorry, OP.

This is precisely why I suggested that you not take her word for anything anymore. She is not honest.

I'm sorry this is happening OP, but do not lose hope. It's not over till the fat lady sings.

How hard will you fight for your marriage? She lost respect for you and you lost respect for her. It doesn't mean it's not fixable. Please do not give up - you can still give this one more chance or you will always wonder (and yes, regret).

Be humble, be patient, but mostly try everything to make her join you in counselling. Be clear why you want to stay in the marriage - had it just become comfortable or do you REALLY want her in the rest of your life?

There is no indignity in trying and failing when the prize is worth it

The marriage is defiantly over. She’s basically been having an affair behind my back. These 2 relationships ended and 3 children now with separated parents.

If you would of seen the texts I’ve seen they’re embarrassing. It’s like she’s back in high school. My brother in law was cheated on and even he said don’t waste any more of your future. Also if I take her back after all the lying and cheating. She’d only do it again.