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Thread: Advice on a girl I really like

  1. #1
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    Advice on a girl I really like

    I didn't remember my old username, but about 10 years ago, I posted here regularly. My wife walked away, no clues....turns out she had an affair. Well that made me a mess for a long time, and I sunk all my time into work. The disadvantage of that was I was in a serious car accident, and now my back is one long metal rod, and I'm disabled.

    Now for today's issue, I'm 45. Over the years I met some women, none never really clicked. Turns out one of the first I went out with contacted me on Facebook, nothing romantic, was about a lost cat. Well this girl insisted she was broken, had a wall, etc, etc. Turns out when you got by that, she was a sweet, wonderful girl.

    We would make dates, she would have an excuse, I would quietly disappear and she would make contact again...well you get the picture. Eventually we got out and had a wonderful time.

    We've gone out about 10 times, no sex....not even an issue. We do go out, but the girl lives 2 minutes from me by car, after work, she'll take a nap.....there is no interest in her coming out during the week. (she has gone to see my sons basketball games twice), but they have no clue who she is.....I kept my love life, or lack of away from them.

    I ask her to come watch a movie, excuse, sometimes she is nice, sometimes not so much.....problem is I fell for her somewhere in the last 3 months.

    She has stated she wants things to work on, but her actions don't follow her words......by her . I'm not going to lie, my confidence took a huge hit during the divorce and things she said after.

    Does anyone have any advice how to navigate this hot/cold woman? I don't want to give up a good woman, since i never found one.....just not sure she is really into me,

    Advice?

    Happy Holidays

  2. #2
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    yes! Says the woman who has been watching movies with a man for Over Two Years.

    Seriously. Read my journal if you can stand it. I doubt itís tolerable for even 1 post.

    My advice: stay the course. Slow and steady and sort of predictable. And not too frequent, and when moved, see other women for a meal or a walk, any sort of company. This is your time to practice living your life without attaching, letting go while appreciating. You have a rare opportunity to stand back and let this unfold slower than molasses. Nobody will get it, and your mind should remain open and observant. Do not depend on a future outcome.

    That is my advice. Live this moment, trust the future will arrive when it gets here.

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    Doesnt matter.....recently active on Match

  4. #4
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Giants17
    Doesnt matter.....recently active on Match
    So what. Youíre not married and neither is she. Getting close to someone slowly will require much more faith than that.

    ETA
    Thatís, faith in yourself, your ability to stay in control of yourself, your ability to learn, adjust, advance, recover, repeat. In my case, I went through dramatic shifts, dumping him, chastising him, missing him terribly, dropping contact due to my own excessive attachment. All the while he held me firmly in his grasp by being unflappable. Quiet, non responsive, until I had settled down again. You may bounce all over the place. If so, do it privately and do not communicate. Force yourself to back up, back off until you are comfortable.

    That may not mean dumping altogether.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Someone who runs hot and cold or gives you mixed messages just isn't that into you. If you are left frustrated or upset most of the time, it means the person isn't right for you. Never settle. Hold out for someone you're compatible with. Someone who likes to spend as much time with you as you do with her. When you don't feel good about yourself, you will attract, and be attracted to (subconsciously) women who are unworthy of you.

    It's a long and tedious search for a new partner. I had to do it after I divorced my first husband. All the sweat and tears were worth it to reach the ultimate goal of finding my future lifetime partner. I wish for you the same.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    yes! Says the woman who has been watching movies with a man for Over Two Years.

    Seriously. Read my journal if you can stand it. I doubt itís tolerable for even 1 post.

    My advice: stay the course. Slow and steady and sort of predictable. And not too frequent, and when moved, see other women for a meal or a walk, any sort of company. This is your time to practice living your life without attaching, letting go while appreciating. You have a rare opportunity to stand back and let this unfold slower than molasses. Nobody will get it, and your mind should remain open and observant. Do not depend on a future outcome.

    That is my advice. Live this moment, trust the future will arrive when it gets here.
    I like this advice and am curious and interested in your story; I may have to read your journal.

    But for now, you've been watching movies with a man for two years, no more than that?

    And when you find yourself getting too emotionally attached, you go no contact?

    In turn he does as well and then when your emotions calm down, you initiate contact again, he welcomes you back with open arms, you resume the movie watching till next time you become too attached, rinse. repeat?

    If I've got this right (I may not), NOT judging at all, I've got my own issues too.

    But if I may ask, what are you afraid of exactly, what is it about emotional closeness and attachment that scares you or causes you such discomfort?

    I can't say I relate to that particular fear, I actually love being close although admit it takes some time for a man to "break through" my protective shell, which isn't always easy for him to navigate and causes its own set of problems.

    But once that happens, I love being close, doesn't scare me or cause discomfort.

    My fear stems more from HIM feeling discomfort and pulling away, it's an insecurity which I am taking great strides to conquer.

    Fortunately, I contain it, don't burden him with it. It's MY own issue to resolve.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 12-06-2017 at 11:28 PM.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Andrina

    Someone who runs hot and cold or gives you mixed messages just isn't that into you. If you are left frustrated or upset most of the time, it means the person isn't right for you. Never settle. Hold out for someone you're compatible with. Someone who likes to spend as much time with you as you do with her. When you don't feel good about yourself, you will attract, and be attracted to (subconsciously) women who are unworthy of you.

    It's a long and tedious search for a new partner. I had to do it after I divorced my first husband. All the sweat and tears were worth it to reach the ultimate goal of finding my future lifetime partner. I wish for you the same.
    I don't think it's always as simple as "he/she isn't all that into you."

    Sometimes that's true (maybe even more often than not) but sometimes it goes deeper than that.

    Admit it's often difficult to determine whether he/she isn't all that into you OR struggling with fears and anxieties that cause them to behave like they're not all that into you. When in fact it's the opposite.

  9. 12-06-2017, 11:34 PM


  10. #8
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    and once again, i waited for a call that never came

  11. 12-07-2017, 12:26 AM
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    Refers to deleted post.

  12. #9
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    Well, you didn't give any information about this woman. If you actually talk to each other, really talk, you need to learn her background and then you'll have a clue as to how to handle her without wasting your time. For example, was she abused? Was she cheated on? Does she have social anxiety? Does she suffer from depression or bipolar disease? Is she extremely religious? Did one of her parents leave the marriage? You have to find out exactly what is going on with her. Your post is mostly about you and not about her. You can post a new message when you get the info.

  13. #10
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Well, you didn't give any information about this woman. If you actually talk to each other, really talk, you need to learn her background and then you'll have a clue as to how to handle her without wasting your time. For example, was she abused? Was she cheated on? Does she have social anxiety? Does she suffer from depression or bipolar disease? Is she extremely religious? Did one of her parents leave the marriage? You have to find out exactly what is going on with her. Your post is mostly about you and not about her. You can post a new message when you get the info.

    We talk alot, text I guess more, while at work, but we had plenty of long Christmas shopping trips, times sitting having beers, etc. I know she was cheated on at least once, I also know the boyfriend before me she said had an emotional affair (she talks about him more then I'd like but I listen). No way does she have social anxiety, but I know we discussed depression.

    Her Mother passed as did my Dad. She does say god has a plan, but I'm more religous then her, Ukranian Catholic for me, Catholic for her.

    I have tried to talk to her and believe me, I'm her biggest fan....in fact why I hung around at the beginning is a mystery, she was stuck on being broken, and alot was talking about her self worth and that's what made me start to really like her.

    I have times when I think she really likes me, in fact she will say so, but her actions say something different,

    My divorce was emotionally draining, I had 3 deployments and I'm sure that never helped.

    If I try and talk to here about how I feel, like would like more time to get closer, she gets mad.....but yet she will say she wants more time together.....she comes home from work and naps for hours.

    I wish I had the answers, she is a special person to me.....nut I don't know what to do.....i keep waiting for the call she is done, We live 2 minutes apart and see each other once a month.

    Now all she said, feels fake after seeing she is back om Match.
    er
    Another thing that bothers me, and joking about it gets me nowhere, she is buried in her phone 24//7, yet it will take her hours to answer texts from me....but her friends get 1st priority

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