My boyfriend and porn

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He has not had a real girlfriend for 8 years before me and it has caused some problems but only one has been crucial. We get along great, he truly loves me as I do him, but we hardly have sex. I'm lucky if it's 3 times a month. I have found magazines around his house and movies which I didn't think anything of it because he was alone for so long. Now that we are together I have tried everything I can to get this to change.. tried to have sex, then when I saw he didn't want to I would let it go and stop trying, then I'd talk to him and each time I get a new excuse. The main one he always brings up is he is insecure... of what? I don't understand. He watches porn on his phone and I've confronted him about it and every time he cries and I know he knows he has a problem and he's hurting me. I WOULD NOT CARE IF WE HAD SEX. So please don't comment that I have to accept it. I've asked him to go talk to someone and he says ok but I know he really doesn't want to.

Me personally wouldn't have made it the first 3 weeks of dating. Seriously.... you have put up with this for a year and a half? Darling it's time to leave.

This is his sex drive. Stop invading his privacy and shaming him into having sex more often. Find someone with whom you're sexually comparable.

Obviously you didn't finish the conversation with him after he told you he was insecure. You should probably find out (if he'll open up) what it is he is insecure about and then maybe you can figure something out from there.

Other then that, yes do find someone more on the same page libido wise or learn to cool yours down if you're going to stay with him.

There's definitely something amiss with him here that I do think is quite serious and runs very deep, emotionally. Reason I say this is, well, the majority of men love having sex and having as much of it as they can. So the fact that he doesn't want to...

I do feel like something's really bothering him. You mentioned he feels insecure. Did he say what about ? That needs discussing more between you two. You need to find out what he's insecure about and why. Maybe that is the root cause of his lack of sex drive. In which case, can be discussed and dealt with over time with enough reassurance and patience.

Is he happy with his performance in the bedroom ? I wonder this because it's a whole different thing just whipping your bits out and masturbating to pictures of someone who's inanimate and not consciously there with him. And someone who is, and who has the capability to think this or that way about him or be making negative judgments on him (not saying you are) but he could be assuming you are. Definitely spark up that conversation with him again about his insecurities. I'm sure that's a part of this issue and it needs addressing. Good luck.

Quite honestly, I wouldnt really want to have copious amounts of sex with someone snooping my phone and "making me cry". He's probably insecure because of your judginess about it.

It sounds like he might just have a very low libido. The majority of guys really don't want to have sex all the time, despite what some people erroneously assume.

Most guys in LTR I know are more in line with once a week.

It sounds like you are just sexually incompatible.

The definition of sex drive is the urge to satisfy sexual needs. How can his sex drive be "low" and I should accept it if he is every day jerking off to porn. How is that a low sex drive? I have made it very known I would rather just do things to him than nothing at all. I am a people pleaser. I am not asking to have sex all the time im asking to be in a relationship that doesnt feel like I'm living with a roommate. There has been times we haven't done anything for 3 months. I am willing to try anything to make this work.

The definition of sex drive is the urge to satisfy sexual needs. How can his sex drive be "low" and I should accept it if he is every day jerking off to porn. How is that a low sex drive? I have made it very known I would rather just do things to him than nothing at all. I am a people pleaser. I am not asking to have sex all the time im asking to be in a relationship that doesnt feel like I'm living with a roommate. There has been times we haven't done anything for 3 months. I am willing to try anything to make this work.

I'm going to repeat this because you didn't address it and I'd really think it would be helpful to find out what it is he's insecure about.

Obviously you didn't finish the conversation with him after he told you he was insecure. You should probably find out (if he'll open up) what it is he is insecure about and then maybe you can figure something out from there.

I have spoke to him today to get an answer on what he is insecure about. He has mentioned about how he used to be picked on a lot growing up... used to weigh 350 lbs now under 200 lbs. He says he feels not worthy of my love and he knows he has a problem and with an addictive personality it has been hard to stop... from doing it for so many years thinking he wouldn't need anyone else but himself to having me he doesn't know what to do. He's explained he is trying to get better. I told him I just want him to be honest... and open. I don't care that he looks I care that it is taking away from our relationship in that aspect. He seems to understand but I know we have had this conversation many times. Throughout the year I have been understanding of all the things he has been saying such as he's tired, he's depressed, he doesn't like to do anything unless he's showered... I try to be conscientious of all of these things but I feel there is no right time. I have weeks where I don't care if we do anything or not bc our relationship is so great then the next week I feel lost that there is nothing there in the bedroom. When we do anything it's amazing.. I am insecure as well desperately trying to lose weight to be healthy but also look good for my man. At this point, today, it seems that we are both willing to work on this and that's all I can ask for. It's better than fighting and getting nowhere.

The definition of sex drive is the urge to satisfy sexual needs. How can his sex drive be "low" and I should accept it if he is every day jerking off to porn. How is that a low sex drive? I have made it very known I would rather just do things to him than nothing at all. I am a people pleaser. I am not asking to have sex all the time im asking to be in a relationship that doesnt feel like I'm living with a roommate. There has been times we haven't done anything for 3 months. I am willing to try anything to make this work.

Well my comment about libido was before you mentioned anything about how frequent he watched porn. You said nothing until this comment when you said everyday.

Do you actually have any idea how often he does watch porn or are you assuming?

But I will also say that comparing masturbation frequency to sex frequency is an apples to oranges comparison. It doesn't work that way.

All of that doesn't really matter if you want more sex yet he won't set up but instead watches porn. That is just selfish on his part.

If he doesn't want to have sex with you but watches porn everyday I can't see how he doesn't have a porn addiction.

If he has had 8 years of removing emotions away from sexual acts because he watches porn all the time he will have a lot of issues normalizing himself.

He really is no different from any other kind of addict. It is going to be a very difficult road for both of you.

Sex drive and masturbation drive are two different things, particularly when a nagging and privacy invasive partner is involved.

You are on the right track then having an open and honest discussion. You are going to have to maintain this and keep having these discussions to make this work. Now that you both know where you are at, it's time to set goals, and make plans for lifestyle changes.

Exercise and a healthy diet increases libido and confidence...and it's also necessary for good mental health. So you both can't just sit there and go through your usual routine....it time to get crackin on making your lives better, healthier and happier.

As for the porn. It's just an old habit because that is all he has ever really known sexually. As you start your healthy lifestyle changes, he will stop depending on the porn.

Change your brain, change your life by Dr. Amen is a book you might find helpful.

I have spoke to him today to get an answer on what he is insecure about. He has mentioned about how he used to be picked on a lot growing up... used to weigh 350 lbs now under 200 lbs. He says he feels not worthy of my love and he knows he has a problem and with an addictive personality it has been hard to stop... from doing it for so many years thinking he wouldn't need anyone else but himself to having me he doesn't know what to do. He's explained he is trying to get better. I told him I just want him to be honest... and open. I don't care that he looks I care that it is taking away from our relationship in that aspect. He seems to understand but I know we have had this conversation many times. Throughout the year I have been understanding of all the things he has been saying such as he's tired, he's depressed, he doesn't like to do anything unless he's showered... I try to be conscientious of all of these things but I feel there is no right time. I have weeks where I don't care if we do anything or not bc our relationship is so great then the next week I feel lost that there is nothing there in the bedroom. When we do anything it's amazing.. I am insecure as well desperately trying to lose weight to be healthy but also look good for my man. At this point, today, it seems that we are both willing to work on this and that's all I can ask for. It's better than fighting and getting nowhere.

Its great that you are actually communicating and working together to resolve the issues within your marriage. If things aren't improving then don't discount marriage counselling or even personal therapy as your hubby appears to be holding onto some past baggage that is affecting him in the present.

Good luck with everything.

Like u the porn wouldn't bother me. I think it is just easier and less pressure to masterbate to porn than have sex with a person. Sounds like he uses it for release. Contrary to what someone said on her men do not want sex all the time. He either just has a low sex drive or there is a mental / emotional block somewhere regarding sex. Could just be a case he is used to not having a lot of sex and he is stuck in a rut. Speak to him about this issue and be patient with him. Definitely go speak to someone regardless of the initial reluctance. He will be reluctant to start with but it is a way forward. Good luck.