Am I emotionally abusive?

About two weeks ago my mother accused me of being emotionally abusive to her, and I've been sick ever since. My entire life, we cannot be in the same room together without getting into an argument.

I do not have a single memory of my mother that does not involve her screaming or throwing a tantrum. Since I was a child she has had these dramatic mood swings and knee jerk reactions. She is always in a fight with someone and is extremely paranoid about how other perceive her. She lives for fighting. Anything anyone does or says she takes as a personal attack and flips out. With me and my sister, she will say the most horrible mean things and then shower us with gifts to make up for it. Every conversation she has to bring back to herself. A person can be crying about how their husband died and she'll relate it to talking about how her life is harder because she can never find the perfect shoes.

Any achievements or milestones we had were all about her and how she would look to other people. That or she dismisses/deflates them. Any sad moments we had she would tell us "to get over it" ,make fun of us, or buy us something and not let us talk about it because "shes done enough already."

For my sibling and I, she made it very hard for us to have friends. She will meet someone for a minute and already have ten mean things to say about them. However, when she likes someone, she almost becomes obsessed and desperate and will buy them presents, beg them to spend more time with us and/or her, etc. Almost no one is approved.

When we spend time with friends or boyfriends, she makes us feel guilty. With boyfriends, if she likes them she will insult us in front of them and act super fake to get them to like her. If she doesn't like them-she'll make sure they're well aware.

Every physical ailment she has had from shingles, to a herniated disc, to kidney stones, and retina detachments she has blamed on me. And supposedly every doctor said her diseases were a result of how much stress I give her. Meanwhile, anytime I have been sick, she has accused me of faking. I had a seizure in high school once and she wouldn't bring me to the doctor because she was afraid of what people would think if they found out.

She has no boundaries when it comes to privacy. She tries to go through our phones, will unlock the bathroom door when we're on the toilet or in the shower, will go through our purses. She claims its her prerogative because she's our mother.

She also is obsessed with me being too sexual and people thinking I'm a . I am not a promiscuous person, but she's constantly accusing me of sleeping around. If I have a guy friend she accuses me of sleeping with them. If I'm dating, she makes crude comments about my history. She is constantly telling me to tell anyone I'm dating that I'm still a virgin and that I've never dated before because "men want virgins". She also makes sure to tell other people I'm still a virgin, even though I'm in my thirties now. She is also constantly accusing me of having drug or alcohol issues-which I have never had an issue with.

Growing up and even now, she has compared my sibling and I to everyone imaginable. Everyone is better than us, prettier, smarter, etc etc. There is literally nothing anyone can do to make this woman happy. Now that I'm in my thirties and am unmarried and childless, she thinks I'm the ultimate failure. She's obsessed with me getting married, has my wedding planned in her head, and has even admitted its her day-not mine.

I could go on with more of the crap my sibling and I have dealt with, but that would turn into a book.

I have had a series of bad romantic relationships, including one where I was abused in everyway, but I'm not permitted to talk about it because its embarrassing for her. After a few years of staying single and settling into a new career, I started dating a nice man. Because I have a history of being with commitment- phobes and an abuser, I didn't tell her about this guy for almost a year. The day after I introduced her she showed up at my job and started harassing me about getting engaged. She then called the next day to do the same thing. When I asked her to stop she flew into a rage. I hung up on her because she wouldn't have a calm logical adult convo.

Over the years I've tried to have calm rational convos with her without it turning into a fight, but this isn't her style. Her method is screaming , getting louder, cursing, interrupting and bringing up stuff from the past that isn't relevant. She also says the most horrible gut wrenching things. She'll admit later what she said was terrible but won't apologize because "Hey I was upset- get over it."

So two weeks ago she accused me of being abusive for the following reasons:

1. not introducing her to my bf right away. This is abuse because everyone knows the bf needs to meet the girls family first and get approval.

2. Living on my own.

3. Having interests that don't interest her.

4. Having friends and relationships outside of her.

5. Having different taste in men than her.

6. Ignoring her when she goes into these rages.

She then went on to say that my sibling and I have been getting away with murder our entire lives. I literally have no idea what she's referring to. Especially when it comes to my sibling.

Am I an abusive person? I do not like fighting or conflict, and I'm actually very patient.

For the record- we're white Americans and I'm in my thirties. I honestly don't see why I have to get approval to date.

You are in your 30's?

Personally, I would scrub her from my life.

Are you dependent on her? Not sure why you tolerate all of this seeing you are an adult and can make choices in who you will and will not have in your life.

Are you an abusive person? NO. Is your mother an abusive, manipulative control freak with severe issues? Yes.

OP get some counseling for yourself to help you understand that you aren't the problem, she is. Also how to detach and distance yourself from her so you can actually lead a healthy life and form healthy relationships for yourself. She hasn't exactly been a good example of that for you.

You mother sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. I highly recommend you check this site out.

Check out this list of traits and see if they sound familiar.

Is it abuse? Definitely. But she's the one abusing you!

Everything she does is an effort to control you and your lives. If she was like this growing up, then she's probably shaped your personalities, making you subservient, unsure, battered, unconfident and afraid. I think that's why you're in your 30s and you're asking us should you get your mother's approval for the people you date. A teenager would be asking that! Your mother has literally stunted your emotional growth.

You've got to stand up to your mother by refusing to answer questions about your personal life and walking out on her when she starts attacking you. You've got to train your mother to be civil by not responding to her baiting. Have some confidence in yourself and lead the conversations. Keep your visits short. If she starts pummeling you, leave. Come back a little later and say, are you going to be civil? If not, I'm leaving again.

If you can't get your mother to behave, definitely cut her out of your life. You don't owe her anything for 35 years of abuse.

Is it abuse? Definitely. But she's the one abusing you!

 

Everything she does is an effort to control you and your lives. If she was like this growing up, then she's probably shaped your personalities, making you subservient, unsure, battered, unconfident and afraid. I think that's why you're in your 30s and you're asking us should you get your mother's approval for the people you date. A teenager would be asking that! Your mother has literally stunted your emotional growth.

I dont ask her who to date. Ive always done what i want and dont ask her opinion. Thats part of why shes calling me abusive. Because I keep her at bay and tell her the bare minimum. Ive been out of the house since I was 18. I would cut her out of my life, but I cant leave my sister behind.

How old is your sister? Is there any chance she can live with you?

I agree with your mother sounding like she has BPD - it's hard to cut ties, but stop blaming yourself for this, and although it's hard take DanZee's advice, keep contact to absolute minimum and ensure it does not affect you try to stay emotionally detached from her abuse, and try to help your sister doing the same as far as she needs.