Family Wedding Drama

I need advice/opinions about the situation I've found myself in. My cousin, who at one time was the closest thing to a best friend I had, is getting married this summer. She asked me if my kids can stand up as flower girl and ring bearer. I said yes without much hesitation under the assumption I would be standing up as well. Since she had asked everyone in our small group of cousins to stand up, plus people she's barely known more than minute, it was a logical assumption. Here's the thing, I'm the only person in our group that she doesn't want in the wedding. Now I feel incredibly awkward. Not only am I hurt because:

a. I thought I meant more to her

b. She was asked to be a bridesmaid in my wedding AND went so far as to write a long heartfelt speech.

I really don't want my kids involved in this. She certainly isn't close with my kids and I feel like the only reason she asked is because I have the only little boy in the family who can be a ring bearer. So not only am I excluded, I'm still forced to be directly involved because I have to bring the kids to rehearsals, etc. This is so much worse than if she would have left me out completely.

I'm torn between pulling the kids out and telling her where to stick it or pushing on like nothing so she doesn't have the satisfaction of knowing she got to me. My mother thinks that if I take the kids out now, I look bad. I shouldn't go back on my word because if I do that, I'm just as bad as she is. I'm really confused about the whole thing. I have to see her over the holidays. I'm not sure how to act around everyone. Do I sit there with a smile on my face while everyone talks about the wedding? Do I leave the room? I feel like I'm going to be the pink elephant in the room that everyone ignores.

This may all seem petty and I would normally agree but with how close we were, not so long ago, the spirit behind her doings is vicious. Her intent was to exclude me and that's painfully obvious. Any opinions or input would be greatly appreciated. Maybe someone else will have a clearer insight. Thanks in advance.

How would you manage your children and be in the wedding party at the same time? Sounds to me like you are very much included, just not in the way that you want?

If you feel like you guys are/were close... just ask her WHY you're not among those she asked to stand up with her.

Seems like a lot of angst that could possibly be solved by a simple question.

Bride and groom aside, I've never seen someone standing whose children were also participating in the wedding. They're typically in the back, waiting to cue them out, and then ready to be with them to sit down.

Also, you claim you're close. Why do you instinctively jump to the conclusion of malice? Doesn't sound like a fun way to live altogether. You're upset you're the only cousin not standing, but how many other cousins' kids is she having play flower girl and ring bearer?

Just sounds a bit petty to me on your part. But, I mean, if it really rattles your bones that much, feel free to ask her upfront or make a scene of it by pulling your kids out.

There could be a very reasonable explanation as to why and the other posters have touched on one possibility. . you managing your kids.

It would be bad move to pull the kids out of spite without a benefit of an explanation.

I would tell her you are somewhat hurt as to why you weren't included in the wedding party and tell her that you assume she had a really good reason.

See what she says.

usually, the parents of the ring bearer/flower girl aren't in the wedding party so can be available to direct and attend to their children. Its her way of putting your immediate family in the wedding. The wedding is still a ways off -- it won't look bad due to timing, but it will look bad if you have no reasonable explanation for doing so other than spite.

a. I thought I meant more to her

b. She was asked to be a bridesmaid in my wedding AND went so far as to write a long heartfelt speech.

Being a bridal member is not a t*t for tat ordeal. She is under no obligation to include you in her bridal party even though she was in yours.

You are being extremely petty here.

If you were that close to her, talk to her about it. The other posters here make good points about parents of wedding party kids aren't in the wedding.

If you were that close to her, talk to her about it. The other posters here make good points about parents of wedding party kids aren't in the wedding.

My cousins who are standing up all have kids and all their kids are in the wedding party as well.

Being a bridal member is not a t*t for tat ordeal. She is under no obligation to include you in her bridal party even though she was in yours.

 

You are being extremely petty here.

Nobody said it had to be an even exchange. My point being, she more or less has me in an awkward spot. All my other cousins and their kids, including a two year old are standing up. I am literally, without exaggeration, the only family member not included. What do I do with myself? Sit through rehearsals and rehearsal dinner as an outsider? It's awkward and I don't think I've done a very good job explaining the family dynamic at work here. She's always been in this weird competition with me. She has literally snapped at people for talking about my kids because she was tired of hearing their names. I'm ticked off at myself for agreeing that she can use my kids, which is more or less what she's doing.

All my cousins and their kids have been asked to stand up.

How would you manage your children and be in the wedding party at the same time? Sounds to me like you are very much included, just not in the way that you want?

Same way everyone else is, I suppose.

All my cousins and their kids were asked to stand up. I am, without exaggeration, the only person within our immediate family that she doesn't want to have in her wedding but she needs my kids because I have the only boy and she needs a ring bearer. How is what I'm feeling a form of spite? I'm a little confused. I think anyone in this situation would feel shunned.

Bride and groom aside, I've never seen someone standing whose children were also participating in the wedding. They're typically in the back, waiting to cue them out, and then ready to be with them to sit down.

 

Also, you claim you're close. Why do you instinctively jump to the conclusion of malice? Doesn't sound like a fun way to live altogether. You're upset you're the only cousin not standing, but how many other cousins' kids is she having play flower girl and ring bearer?

 

Just sounds a bit petty to me on your part. But, I mean, if it really rattles your bones that much, feel free to ask her upfront or make a scene of it by pulling your kids out.

All the cousins standing have children in the party. There are multiple flower girls, including a 2yr old. I have the only boy in my family and she needed a ring bearer. I'm just wasn't quick enough to figure that out and unfortunately I already said yes.

Being a bridal member is not a t*t for tat ordeal. She is under no obligation to include you in her bridal party even though she was in yours.

 

You are being extremely petty here.

My point about the speech was meant to illustrate that we've been through a lot together and play an important part in each other's lives. The fact that she left me out is deliberate and hurtful and has an air of hypocrisy on her part. She considers me a sister yet I'm not fit to be in her wedding party.

Instead of being mad, if you are this close you should be able to bring it up . Just ask her straight up .

Did she tell you that you're left out?

My point about the speech was meant to illustrate that we've been through a lot together and play an important part in each other's lives. The fact that she left me out is deliberate and hurtful and has an air of hypocrisy on her part. She considers me a sister yet I'm not fit to be in her wedding party.

Did I strike a nerve for saying the truth since I was quoted twice?

You're still making this whole ordeal as if it was mandatory to include you. It is not an obligation to be made into a bridal party member because you are family or that you had her be your bridesmaid. I had a friend who was a bridesmaid at my wedding and did not ask me to be in her wedding party because she had multiple bridesmaids (8 ) whom she felt more close to. I still attended her wedding and had a blast.

You can always enjoy the wedding as a guest. I don't get why it would be "awkward" for you to go to her rehearsal dinner because you are family.

Did she tell you that you're left out?

She told everyone else. That's part of what is rubbing me the wrong way. It feels like I'm being singled out. After venting about it a little, I think I can move on. All in all, would I really want to be in her wedding? Probably not. Would it have been nice to be asked? Well, sure. If not then the least she could do is leave my name out of things. Anyway, I don't have much room in my life for stuff like this. I'm not a spiteful person. I try not to be petty. The kids can stand up. They'll have fun. We weren't planning on going to the reception because we have the two little ones in tow who are not used to staying up past 7:30. Out of consideration for everyone else, I'll spare them the unpleasantness of a crabby 3 year old.

I have to take into consideration the fact that this isn't the way she wanted her romantic life to go and that has to be hard to swallow. Maybe she knows that I know that and it makes her uncomfortable. Regardless, life has way of surprising people. A wedding is just one day but a marriage is supposed to last a lifetime. In the end, I do hope she finds some happiness.

Did I strike a nerve for saying the truth since I was quoted twice?

 

 

You're still making this whole ordeal as if it was mandatory to include you. It is not an obligation to be made into a bridal party member because you are family or that you had her be your bridesmaid. I had a friend who was a bridesmaid at my wedding and did not ask me to be in her wedding party because she had multiple bridesmaids (8 ) whom she felt more close to. I still attended her wedding and had a blast.

 

You can always enjoy the wedding as a guest. I don't get why it would be "awkward" for you to go to her rehearsal dinner because you are family.

I didn't realize I quoted you twice. I'm new to this forum thing but hey, third time is a charm! Off course it's not mandatory to have me in her wedding. In fact she's made a point of telling everyone she doesn't want me in the wedding. I found out that I was officially blacklisted by the bridesmaids. So you see, it's clear she doesn't want me around. The fact that I have to be there in order for the kids to walk down the aisle is where the awkwardness comes in. She certainly isn't treating me like "family". In the end, I know that I didn't ever do anything to her. I don't know why she is broadcasting her dislike for me. Whatever reason she has is on her. I'm letting it go. I was hurt but, I'll get over it. I am getting over it.

So did you strike a nerve? No, of course not. I wouldn't have posted on this forum if I didn't expect feedback. Venting about it has made me feel better. We're you trying to strike a nerve? I think perhaps I struck one in you. You're kind of quick to judge my feelings as those of entitlement, which couldn't be further from the truth. I care about the bride. I love her, she's my cousin. We grew up together. I'm hurt that she didn't hold onto any of that over the years. That's all. I'm not going to pull the kids out. It was my initial gut reaction because "hey I can't stand her but I need her kids to stand up in my wedding because I want a ring bearer" didn't sit well with me. So please be aware that your truth isn't necessarily THE truth.

Unfortunately, weddings and illness and death brings out shocking behaviour in people. My husband's parents now are very elderly and sick and my husband's sister has decided to treat him like trash because he can't dedicate as much time to them as she does. We live 3 hours away and he is in the military and she lives in the same condo complex as her parents and lived with them free of all responsibilities until she was 36. She has no life but them and now she hates her brother for having a life and a family. He is now treated as a persona non grata by her.

We are polite and he acts loving to her and she rebuffs him consistently but now her parents have noticed she is being a snot. I would say just go to the wedding, smile and after that don't bother with her . But if you have to see her be polite that way she looks like the .....

Unfortunately, weddings and illness and death brings out shocking behaviour in people. My husband's parents now are very elderly and sick and my husband's sister has decided to treat him like trash because he can't dedicate as much time to them as she does. We live 3 hours away and he is in the military and she lives in the same condo complex as her parents and lived with them free of all responsibilities until she was 36. She has no life but them and now she hates her brother for having a life and a family. He is now treated as a persona non grata by her.

 

We are polite and he acts loving to her and she rebuffs him consistently but now her parents have noticed she is being a snot. I would say just go to the wedding, smile and after that don't bother with her . But if you have to see her be polite that way she looks like the .....

That's very true. It's sad to hear she's treating them so badly, especially if they've supported her well past what should be required before someone grows up and takes care of themselves. I'm sure you and your husband wish you were closer. All I know is that Karma is a you know what. I fully believe what goes around comes around and someday your sister-in-law will get back the nastiness she puts out there.

That's very true. It's sad to hear she's treating them so badly, especially if they've supported her well past what should be required before someone grows up and takes care of themselves. I'm sure you and your husband wish you were closer. All I know is that Karma is a you know what. I fully believe what goes around comes around and someday your sister-in-law will get back the nastiness she puts out there.

Oh she treats them ok. She treats my husband like crap. But my husband and my son are her only close relatives in the country. After her parents are gone she has no one.

Oh! Sorry I misread that completely. I'm actually relieved it isn't how I initially perceived it. Maybe she is a little envious that your husband seems to be in a better place in his life? I mean, who wants to live with/ in the same complex as their parents as a grown adult. I could see how resentment can come of that situation. Clearly your husband is being the bigger person.

Oh! Sorry I misread that completely. I'm actually relieved it isn't how I initially perceived it. Maybe she is a little envious that your husband seems to be in a better place in his life? I mean, who wants to live with/ in the same complex as their parents as a grown adult. I could see how resentment can come of that situation. Clearly your husband is being the bigger person.

Yes, she resents now her choices. As she has never had a partner ,never had a boyfriend never even had a date and she's 46 years old . She has spent every single solitary moment with her parents when she's not at work . She's mad now that she has made these choices . And she has decided to take it out on her brother . But Karma may come around you know ? Like I said my husband and my son are her only close relatives the rest of her relatives are in Europe .

So same with your cousin Karma will come around and it's a biatch .