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How can I get over her after I let her go?


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I broke up with my girlfriend 4 months ago because we had very different goals in life. 3 days later I regretted it and I asked her to reconsider. She said no, I started crying and begging her to reconsider but she said she never had the same feelings for me anyway and then she left the city one week later. This hurt. I didn't think it would end so abruptly.

She offered to be friends but I couldn't handle that. I was still too attached to her emotionally and she realized that too, so she refused to talk since then and only replied to my messages short and cold. I was devastated and couldn't believe that she just didn't care. I went to see a counselor over this and started taking medication so I could focus on work and sleep again, but I lost my job last month because my manager saw how out of it I have become always playing with my phone writing to her or trying to find answers online.

Over the next two months I kept writing her at least twice per week. In some messages I asked if we couldn't try again, in others I was upset and even confessed to my depression and the fact that I was getting professional help over this. She eventually blocked me entirely. It was awful but she probably did me a favour by doing this. We didn't have a bad relationship, but we had different goals long term.

I know it is not her responsibility to care, and it was my fault to let her go, but I know it was the right decision considering what we both wanted in life.

I still love her 4 months later, and it hurts to see that she was able to just turn her back on me as if the relationship didn't mean anything to her. Part of it is my ego and the fact that I gave up my dignity begging for her after I let her go for the right reasons. The other part wishes she saw me as the person I normally am again. She must think I am crazy for how I acted and this just makes it even harder to get over this because I want to proof to her that this is not who I am. It was so easy for her to move on and I can imagine she enjoyed it in a way to see that it wasn't as easy for me to let go as it was for her. She doesn't understand what I am going through, and I am not her problem anyway.

 

I got rid of many things that remind me of her. But the entire apartment, my life and my city remind me of her. Appliances, towels, clothing, the car, the bed...almost everything. I haven't heard from her in a month, but I still can't sleep or eat normally. I miss her even though I know breaking up was the right choice. I wish I could talk to her and show her that I wasn't myself in the end. I want to get over this feeling of hating myself for how I acted and stop thinking about her all the time. Please help. I lost my job and one of my friends over this. I am having a hard time getting anything done. This is seriously changing my life and who I am as a person. How can I get back my life and my dignity? How can I redeem myself and heal?

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From what you wrote it seems it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes there is love, and the relationship is not that bad, but two people still can't be together. It happens quite often and it is difficult to move on.

 

You loved her, you had different goals from her, she didn't love you as much as you loved her. Right now you still love her, she still doesn't have the same feelings, you still have different life goals. It was worth to break up. Her choice not to get back to you is not because she can't forgive you, but because she doesn't want to be with you, and you can't make her. Even if she did get back to you, it wouldn't be a good relationship, because she still wouldn't love you and you still wouldn't be a good match, so you would break up for a second time. It would be even more hurtful.

 

What you need is not to fight for her to win her back, but to fight for yourself. You need to want to be happy alone to make it happen, and you still can't accept the reality of it.

 

You need to take a decision to be single and not get back with her. Go NC. Don't hope, wait for her - make the separation your own decision. It will give you more power and you will feel less helpless.

 

And start taking care of yourself. Destroying your life is not a manifest of your love. Is just a manifest of the wrong way of coping. You can still love her, grieve her, but be responsible about your life. You destroying yourself won't bring her back.

 

So give yourself a chance. Start seeing someone or taking medication to help with the state that you're in. Make it a priority to stick to the healing plan. Make an effort to eat and sleep normally. Don't be alone, spend the time with your friends. Try to look for another job, or if you don't feel ready to work, look for something else to do with time like volunteering or pursuing some other life goal like driving license or a language course.

 

You still care about yourself a lot, otherwise you wouldn't be on this forum. Try to honor that, and make your well-being a priority. Not getting back with her - she is already gone, won't be back and shouldn't be back.

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Thanks for your reply. I have no more intention to get her back. I wish I could get over her. I want to heal. Yes, I miss her, but I know that I ended it for good reasons and she agreed. I didn't expect it to be so hard, especially since she just walked away like this. I didn't think I would lose her from my life completely.

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Yeah, that part sucks. She could have acted differently, exposing you to less trauma after break-up. She behaved in a rather cold and unexpected way, which added to the natural trauma of breaking up. Still there is nothing you can do about that. She choose to disappear from your life and you can't keep her. And you really shouldn't, because it would only cause you more pain. All you have control of, is what do you do with it now. You will spend some time grieving and dealing with that pain. And while you do that, you can choose to neglect yourself and let your life fall to ruin, which will serve nobody, or do a very hard thing, but one that will pay off - take a real effort to deal with that pain in better ways, to protect the good things going on in your life, your health, your friendships, your finances. I know it won't be easy, but letting your life fall apart is not any less painful and harder to get back from. Hope you will find the strength in you and if sometimes you feel like you don't have it - look for support! Friends, a psychologist, online forums like this - whatever works for you. Just try to look for things that make you stronger, not weaker.

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Thanks for your reply. I have no more intention to get her back. I wish I could get over her. I want to heal. Yes, I miss her, but I know that I ended it for good reasons and she agreed. I didn't expect it to be so hard, especially since she just walked away like this. I didn't think I would lose her from my life completely.

 

OK, so what is wrong with her walking away? The relationship wasn't working out as you freely admit yourself. The breakup sounds really mutual. Granted, you pulled the trigger first, but in all honesty, you were both on the same page that this wasn't meant to be and best to part ways and so you did. So what is the actual problem here for you?

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Let me tell you something up front. They never forget you!!!!!!!!! Never...

So keep that always in your mind. Always!!

Do move on and do what is good for you now.. "The power of NOW"...

Live your life and continue on...

 

Long story short to brighten up your day

And I am 43 years old...

 

Long time ago when I was in the service, I fell in love with a girl... We were together for about 2.5 years... And we had big plans... But she dropped me like a hot potatoe, just like that....

 

20 years go by....

 

And she finds me (just 2 days ago or so on FB)....

We start talking about how we were back then...

Turns out she is single as I am single... (trust me I lived my life, was married for 14 years, divorced, I have 2 kids, I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship about 4 months ago)....

Turns out (and she lived her life)... she never forgot me... She even kept the ring I gave her and would think of me a lot over the years...

She apologized for hurting me back then, but we were young... She ran, she was afraid to commit, afraid of the future... Turns out she never stopped loving me... And just by the sure fact that she kept the ring I gave her, that speaks a lot to me... She could have pawned it... But she did not...

 

Now we are communicating again... And maybe we can make it again...

 

So as you see... 20 years later.... She never forgot me...

 

So, you never know... Never know what fate will bring....

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So, you never know... Never know what fate will bring....

 

Theoretically, yes. But she would have to be able to love him and they would have to have compatible life goals at that time. These conditions are not met now.

 

Also, life is worth living now. OP can't wait 20 years to be happy. He needs to take care of himself, otherwise there won't be much left of him in a few years. And if he does move on and take care of himself, he will probably meet someone more compatible for him who will love him more than she did. He doesn't need his ex to be happy.

 

Edit: Nor do you. If she dropped you once like a hot potato, be careful this time not to engage yourself to quickly. Cause it may end up the same way this time. If some people are not together for years, they may idealize themselves, especially after other life partners with flaws. They are eager to take nostalgic trips, but that doesn't mean that hanging out with her will bring you happiness this time. But I wish you all the best.

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I guess my problem is coping with the loss and the way I acted because of it. I feel ashamed that I was so overcome by my emotions and in return got cold or no responses. I know she has all the rights to do whatever she wants, but just the day before the breakup she acted like I was so important to her and that she wanted to be with me forever. She was talking marriage, but I didn't. It makes me question why she was with me in the first place too if she didn't love me.

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I guess my problem is coping with the loss and the way I acted because of it. I feel ashamed that I was so overcome by my emotions and in return got cold or no responses. I know she has all the rights to do whatever she wants, but just the day before the breakup she acted like I was so important to her and that she wanted to be with me forever. She was talking marriage, but I didn't. It makes me question why she was with me in the first place too if she didn't love me.

 

Maybe she didn't know that at that time. She may have thought she wants future with you, but the breakup made her realize she doesn't really feel that way about you and wants a different life for herself. Whatever her reasoning was, it can't be your problem.

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I guess my problem is coping with the loss and the way I acted because of it. I feel ashamed that I was so overcome by my emotions and in return got cold or no responses. I know she has all the rights to do whatever she wants, but just the day before the breakup she acted like I was so important to her and that she wanted to be with me forever. She was talking marriage, but I didn't. It makes me question why she was with me in the first place too if she didn't love me.

 

Well, you really do need to forgive yourself for being human and doing what absolutely everyone has done at one point or another in their life - beg to get back together. It happens...a lot...and then you realize it's not good and you move on. Most important, forgive yourself and allow yourself to be human.

 

The cold responses, I mean it doesn't feel like it, but really she was doing you a favor by not encouraging you, stringing you along, making and breaking promises and otherwise dragging this breakup out into a long emotional nightmare.

 

Finally, don't assume that she didn't love you just because she agreed there is no good future for the two of you. You can love someone with all your heart, doesn't mean you should be with them. You were loved and you were important, but then change happens and life moves forward. Time for you to do the same. It really sounds to me like your biggest problem is your own ego. You dumped her and expected her to break down, except she didn't and now you are all upset and fixated on that. You are dwelling on her for the wrong reasons.

 

Anyway, when you've gotten to the point where it's affecting your day to day life and you've lost your job over this, high time to get professional help and counseling to help you deal with whatever issues you have that are driving this. Again, this is more about you than her or the break up or how she handled it.

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It really sounds to me like your biggest problem is your own ego. You dumped her and expected her to break down, except she didn't and now you are all upset and fixated on that. You are dwelling on her for the wrong reasons.

 

You are right. It is definitely related to my ego as well. But not for the reason that she didn't come crying back. I never expected that from her because she wasn't an emotional person at all. She was very closed off and generally gave me the silent treatment when she was unhappy. She was angry sometimes but I don't think I ever saw her cry for any reason when I think back.

 

My ego is more hurt due to the fact that I begged her and pestered her to the point that she totally removed herself from my life. In the beginning after the breakup her messages were still friendly, emotional and engaging. It was hard for me to handle this and it made it impossible to move on. So I did the wrong thing. Instead of showing restraint or go complete NC, I ruined all connections we still had by showing my emotions over and over again. I wish I could still hear from here and talk to her occasionally, but my own behaviour has pushed her away. That's why I am so hard on myself now and that, apart from the fact that I just really miss her, makes a it so painful.

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The one thing that is most important in moving on and healing is time and real proof of change in both parties. You have to become the best form of yourself first then everything else will fall into place. Read. Write. Shop. Listen to new music. Hang out with friends. Go work out. Go for a walk. be creative. try something new. foster existing relationships and make new ones. Focus on your career. focus on taking better care of you and yourself and your healty. Lose weight. There are probably a million other things as well. Do you still have ANY connections to her at all through social media , work, school, online, anything else ????? x jill

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Thank you all for your support!

 

Do you still have ANY connections to her at all through social media , work, school, online, anything else ????? x jill

 

No, 1 month ago I deleted her Instagram and Facebook and all her pictures, messages to help myself forget about her after I sent her one last decent message to end it on a less crazy note.

 

She moved and has a new number. We have one common friend, but I haven't talked to him about her.

 

The only way we communicated in the end was email. Everything else has been either removed by myself or her.

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It was 4 months ago, move on with your life it's gone what you had with her, go and find something else with someone else now otherwise you're just going to be stuck feeling upset over her in another 4 months down the line, only way to get over women in my experience is to going out and meeting other women and realising that you can find what you wanted in other women too not just your previous one

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Dating other women has not been the solution. I have dated 5 women since then and still sleep and hang out with 2 of them regularly now. I don't think it is the physical connection I am missing at all, but the support and friendship that I am missing with her specifically. I don't think I am ready to feel that for anyone yet. It was like someone who I deeply cared for has died and I killed her with my behaviour. It feels like my loss is my fault. I know I will eventually find that connection with someone else, but first I need to get over the whole thing. And I am struggling with exactly that for the reasons mentioned before. It has never taken me this long and I have never suffered so much.

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You are right. It is definitely related to my ego as well. But not for the reason that she didn't come crying back. I never expected that from her because she wasn't an emotional person at all. She was very closed off and generally gave me the silent treatment when she was unhappy. She was angry sometimes but I don't think I ever saw her cry for any reason when I think back.

 

My ego is more hurt due to the fact that I begged her and pestered her to the point that she totally removed herself from my life. In the beginning after the breakup her messages were still friendly, emotional and engaging. It was hard for me to handle this and it made it impossible to move on. So I did the wrong thing. Instead of showing restraint or go complete NC, I ruined all connections we still had by showing my emotions over and over again. I wish I could still hear from here and talk to her occasionally, but my own behaviour has pushed her away. That's why I am so hard on myself now and that, apart from the fact that I just really miss her, makes a it so painful.

 

You said that the day before that she was talking marriage and you weren't, so while you may not have expected her to cry, I'm assuming you at the very least expected her to fight for you.

 

Never, ever, ever use your relationship as a bargaining chip. Relationship chicken has no winners.The damage is irreperable. Lesson learned too late unfortunately, I'm sorry.

 

You said you broke up for valid reasons, remember that, this is evidence that she isn't going to have the same future goals as you, your nuclear option didn't work and im assuming you aren't willing to bend either. The only thing left is to accept things and move forward.

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You said that the day before that she was talking marriage and you weren't, so while you may not have expected her to cry, I'm assuming you at the very least expected her to fight for you.

 

Never, ever, ever use your relationship as a bargaining chip. Relationship chicken has no winners.The damage is irreperable. Lesson learned too late unfortunately, I'm sorry.

 

You said you broke up for valid reasons, remember that, this is evidence that she isn't going to have the same future goals as you, your nuclear option didn't work and im assuming you aren't willing to bend either. The only thing left is to accept things and move forward.

 

In the beginning she did fight, and tried to encourage me to make it work, but I was pretty set on leaving her that evening. I thought about it a few times before but knew I didn't want to lose her. She wrote me two days after, to tell me that she misses me and that it wasn't easy for her. And I told her that I loved her but that it was the right decision.

 

I wasn't truly happy and apparently neither was she. Before she left the city she said that she didn't have the same feelings for me and she was hoping to fall in love but couldn't. Why was it necessary to even tell me that anyway? We never insulted each other or fought after the breakup.

 

When she told me she was leaving the city the next week to move back to her family and I saw her leave, that's when I broke down the first time. Since then it was mostly me being desperate and her becoming colder and now completely silent for an entire month.

 

We lived together for 8 months. We haven't broken up before, but we had a few arguments. Mostly about values and goals. Her mom thought I wasn't right for her because I am 6 years younger. She just turned 38. Her dad liked me, he was a cool guy.

 

My ex kept telling me that we can make it work. She was encouraging in this way. She wanted to start a family and she saw a future more than I did. I know she would make a great wife and mother, but I didnt feel ready at all. I miss her because I loved her as a person, but I didn't love the dynamics and the pressure of the relationship. I wanted to find a new job and start a new career. Which now I kind of have to do anyway.

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I just wish that we still talked about life and the things that are going on. I know I am not ready for too much contact now, that's why I finally went NC and stopped following her on social media.

Her short and vague texts and not knowing what her life was like since she moved is what is breaking my heart. I hate the idea that I have lost her completely. In the beginning she was still open to communicate, even if she tried not to share too many details about her life. In the end she refused to tell me anything about what is going on. It's like we never knew each other and it hurts that she chose to do it in this way. I can't forgive myself how I acted because it is the reason why things are like this now. I always had continued friendly contact after past relationships, and I got over them so much quicker by doing it like this. I should have never confessed my love to her several times when she kept messaging me after we broke up.

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Do you think there is any chance to rebuild a friendship in the future? Of course that would be up to her and it may be completely out of my control because I know that writing her would just make things worse.

My goal is to stick to NC until I don't have these feelings anymore. Maybe after that I will not even care about the friendship anymore anyway.

I know I shouldn't even be focusing on her and rather focus on putting my own life back together. I am 32 and I have been in love a few times before, but I have never been felt lost and helpless like this after a breakup.

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I think you are holding on to her too much. You need to let go of expectations. READ THIS!!

 

This was posted by a friend of mine names BONO:

 

Full credit to MrSoAndSo2009 who posted this reply to a thread.

 

Let go of expectations -- for yourself

 

Hi there,

 

There really is no way to know if your ex will come back or not, and holding onto hope can be a dangerous thing for you, emotionally speaking. The key is to let go of that hope and work through your emptiness to realize that you can stand on your own two feet without your ex. This is going to be what you realize on your own in time, and right now it will very hard for you to accept it. Now, I am not saying that your ex won't come back -- I am saying there is no way to know, and you have to give up expectations while at the same time doing the right things. This might not make sense right now, but read on.

 

What you are experiencing is completely normal. I've been there, and seeing this as a game will just mess with your head. The key is to realize that the actions you are taking (in this case, NC) are about you, and not about getting your ex back. If she comes back, it's going to be because she realizes what life is like without you, and makes a choice for a deeper commitment, so long as you allow her to face life 100% without you. So, your actions might lead to your ex coming back, or might not -- the point is that you need to let go of expecations of her returning, because having hope will trigger your abandonment wounds, and she will reject you if you pursue her, and that will send you into a depression, which is why "no contact" is so important.

 

Now, that said, your ex, on her own, needs to be confronted with the consequences of her choice -- namely, losing you forever. If you let her have you both ways (i.e. having you in her life, but without the commitment), then you're really going to suffer. It's okay to respond to your ex, but only tell her that you want to respect her space so that the two of you can move on. You can remind her that being contact makes harder to move on and you really can't be friends right now. Otherwise, avoid contact that could be interpreted as you pursuing her. That is hard, because over the days and weeks to come, she may do things that "trick" you into pursuing her, and then she will reject you or not meet your expectations (or hope) and then you will get angry and/or depressed.

 

If you are struggling with closure, you could tell your ex that you would like to have closure, letting her know that it will help you to get over her and to move on. That is ok because it's not threatening to her. This is a bit of reverse psychology, and only do this if you can be mentally and emotionally be strong -- it doesn't sound like you could handle that. You can't be weak and desperate if you choose this route, because then she will see you as an insecure person and drop you like a hot potato and you will get very depressed. It is so important to move on without expectations.

 

You are feeling the emotional pangs of abandonment and emptiness, which is very normal, and it is very difficult to resist the urge to contact your ex, but doing so will only send you into a depression while you are in this vulnerable state. You need to realize that your ex is focusing on her needs in a very selfish and narcisstic way, and she is not really concerned about your needs. She might show a little bit of caring, but it won't be much. This is hard to see, especially at this early stage, because you will be tempted to put her up on a pedestal and to dwell on all your good memories, and you will wonder why she seems to be having such an easy time getting over you. The truth, she has to cope, too, and there a lot of defense mechanisms that kick in to help her get over you, and she will likely feel relief in the days and weeks to come, and this would be very hard for you to witness, so stay away from it.

 

You are experiencing emptiness. So the real question is this: how do you take actions that maximize the potential for your ex to go into HER emptiness and have the chance of facing the reality that her choice means losing you forever, while at the same time not holding onto to any hope or expectations that she will come back? This is hard, but necessary, because you have to realize that if she were to come back to you, and only if the relationship is VIABLE, then it's really only worth it for her to come back because she works through her emptiness of living life without you and discovering that she misses you and wants to make a conscious choice for a deeper commitment. If she doesn't do that, then it would never work anyway, and knowing that, and if you understand it, then you can be strong and know that you can move on without any expectations.

 

She could come back, but if she did so without facing her emptiness, she would take you for granted and then dump you again. Of course, it varies and I don't know your full story, but if you do not pursue her in any way (NC, with occaisonal polite but distant replies to contact if she initiates it), and if the relationship is a viable long-term relationship, then it typically takes a couple of months before she can consciously process her emotions and have the chance to feel empty without you. If you pursue her, or if you respond to any mixed messages from her by pursuing her, or if you get sucked in when she reaches a little, then you will dilute the process and she will not feel the full consequences of her choice. That is why NC is important.

 

It is amazing how an ex can get you to pursue them and they don't even know they are doing it -- when you do pursue them, they reject you and feel even more certain of their decision. They get you to pursue, but then they reject you again and again and you will go into a depression. Stay out of those traps. When she contacts you, be polite, but remind her that you want to give and respect her space and freedom, and that being friends right now just won't work. Be caring, but do not tell her that you miss her. Let her be insecure about you -- maybe you have moved on and found somebody else? She won't know. Let her be insecure. Let her face the possibility that you are gone forever. Do not initiate contact with her, though.

 

Take control and let the ball be back in your court. I know it's hard, but you can do it. You have the advantage now of knowing that this is about you. She may seem to forget you now, and not to miss you, but if the relationship is viable, and if you do not pursue her, then she will miss you and will face her emptiness, but that doesn't mean she will come back. That, ultimately, is something only she can decide, and there's no amount of pursuasion from you that will change her mind.

 

You have to take care of yourself, do not pursue her, and let go of the hope of getting her back. In this regard, then you can honestly say to yourself: (1) I can stand on my own two feet without her; (2) if she doesn't come back, then she didn't have emptiness without me, and therefore it never have worked in the long run; (3) if she were to come back, having faced her emptiness, then you might be willing to let her back into your private world, which will never be the same as it was before -- it would take work, patience, and love to reconcile.

 

The key here is to give up trying to control things in order to gain control. I am telling you that you can take steps that maximize the chance of her coming back as a result of working through the emptiness of losing you forever, and you have to realize that if she doesn't do that, then the relationship would not likely have worked out anyway. Viable relationships stretch out like a rubber band with a break-up, and then, so long as you have space apart and do not pursue her, it can spring back together. But, if it doesn't, then you know that it wasn't meant to be.

 

I know some of this is probably not what you want to hear. Most viable relationships are salvagable, but you have to take the right steps, and you have to make yourself your number one focus. If person A loves person B, that's great. If person B also loves person A. That is even better. If person A loves himself and person B loves herself, and they both love each other -- then that is really special. Take care of yourself -- that's what she is trying to do, too.

 

I hope this long message makes sense to you and helps!

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Thank you for sending this.

This is exactly the problem. This is the mistake I made and reading this is exactly why it hurts so much. I didn't do no contact and wrote her for almost 3 months. She dropped me over and over again until now she has had enough and blocked me too. So this article is exactly the reason why I can't sleep at night. I hate myself for having pushed her away and I won't be able to get over this. At least not any time soon. I feel worse today than I did in the first month before I started begging her. She was reaching out in the beginning and updated me and asked me about my life. She only walked away when I started pursuing her. And the more I pursued her the more she found reasons why she wants nothing to do with me. And whenever I asked for a chance she would break up with me again. I now want to cry after reading this again. I need help because I hate myself.

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