Jump to content

Only too eager guys


Mikaila

Recommended Posts

Why it seems that the only guys who are interested are the too eager guys? And they usually are the ones that I don't like physically or emotionally. Obviously the ones I am interested seem not interested maybe because I am too eager myself with them? Tips? Maybe to treat the non-interested as the too eager guys?

Link to comment

It's not a problem per se. If you find the guys that are less eager more attractive, so be it. There's nothing wrong with it.

 

I think both men and women want a chase to a certain degree and if there is no chase at all, some people can find it boring. It's not like that for everyone, obviously. Some people want people who are eager.

 

It all depends on your preference.

Link to comment

Is it too eager or is it clingy and insecure? there's a difference between being turned off by someone who lacks social skills, doesn't give you space to get to know them on the one hand and someone who is simply reliable and trustworthy where you like more of a challenge that comes from the unreliable people. Figure that out first IMO and then you can take it from there.

Link to comment

Yes, this used to be me. Consider whether you are avoiding being in a truly intimate relationship. Its hard to self-identify. At least, it was for me. Googling about avoidant attachment styles helped me understand.

 

Try to think of men as people. Forget their gender and assume they have forgotten yours. That may lead to some confusing situations that will help you identify how you behave differently with different people.

 

At some point, your attraction will become less powerful as you begin to value people over products. It takes a long time to know a person so your desire for the hot ones will be tempered by how little you know about that person.

 

The ones who are over eager for you will fall away because your behavior will become more neutral and also becauae you won't notice their interest.

Link to comment

It simple psychology. We desire most what we can't have. When we are faced with someone who seems aloof or a challenge, dopamine is released our brain, making them more desirable to us.

 

I have told many guys to be desirable is to be unavailable. For girls we see this as very masculine/confident/strong....traits that we find so irresistible.

 

Being too eager, putting you up on a pedestal, doing everything for you, is seen as weak, submissive behavior. I just go ew! when I think about it lol.

Link to comment
It simple psychology. We desire most what we can't have. When we are faced with someone who seems aloof or a challenge, dopamine is released our brain, making them more desirable to us.

 

I have told many guys to be desirable is to be unavailable. For girls we see this as very masculine/confident/strong....traits that we find so irresistible.

 

Being too eager, putting you up on a pedestal, doing everything for you, is seen as weak, submissive behavior. I just go ew! when I think about it lol.

 

true

 

and neither behavior supports a deep connection.

Link to comment
This is very good feedback... For the other guys on here and me. Sometimes we get so excited because it's been a while since a connection was felt, and we over-pursue. That's probably true of lots of women too!

 

Definitely will keep in mind that I need to be a little less available.

 

Exactly, and date other guys in the meanwhile.

Link to comment
This is very good feedback... For the other guys on here and me. Sometimes we get so excited because it's been a while since a connection was felt, and we over-pursue. That's probably true of lots of women too!

 

Definitely will keep in mind that I need to be a little less available.

 

Replace one behavior with another... its difficult to be less available, but its easier to pursue a goal that makes you less available, such as picking up a weekly volunteer gig or basketball game or whatever.

Link to comment

If you're not not attracting guys you're interested in, my guess is you're either not being approachable or you're looking outside your league. Given your admission of shyness around guys you do like, I'd bank more on the former.

 

Men (well, the rational ones at least) don't approach the woman they simply find attractive. We've only got so much time in any given day and there are a lot of hot women out there. We go for the best balance of attractive and approachable. Acting shy, aloof, standoffish strongly diminishes the convenience factor.

Link to comment
If you're not not attracting guys you're interested in, my guess is you're either not being approachable or you're looking outside your league. Given your admission of shyness around guys you do like, I'd bank more on the former.

 

Men (well, the rational ones at least) don't approach the woman they simply find attractive. We've only got so much time in any given day and there are a lot of hot women out there. We go for the best balance of attractive and approachable. Acting shy, aloof, standoffish strongly diminishes the convenience factor.

 

Thanks! I am trying to go over my shyness but I think I come across as eager instead of approachable or sexy. Any suggestions?

Link to comment
Thanks! I am trying to go over my shyness but I think I come across as eager instead of approachable or sexy. Any suggestions?

 

So it's not about trying. It's about doing or not doing. And by doing I mean even tiny baby steps -actions, not analysis or "trying". For example I used to go to tons of singles events. I would tell myself that I had to stay at least 45 minutes and talk to at least three people and then I could leave. Be concrete and specific with yourself about what your goal is in the particular situation where you might choose to act unapproachable.

Link to comment
The deep connection comes later, after the delicate dance of push and pull is over.

 

Yeah I'm tired of that dance.

 

And when, pray tell, does the "push/pull dance" end?

 

He 'pulls' you in, things are going well, you develop a great rapport, both are showing high interest, then suddenly out of the blue, he gives you a 'push.' And essentially stops showing interest, indicating he doesn't need or value you so much anymore.

 

Which is our cue to then start chasing? Pick up the "slack," which is another phrase I'm tired of.

 

Please clarify cause honestly this whole "push/pull" game (which is what it is) is so confusing and has the potential of destroying what might otherwise have been a beautiful and mutually rewarding RL between two independent people who naturally challenge each other and who don't have to resort to such games to develop a deep connection.

 

Don't "play" hard to get, better to just "be" somewhat hard to get (naturally) by virtue of your busy life, independent nature, the ability to maintain boundaries, and feeling comfortable in your own skin. This applies to both men and women.

 

I'm sick of the "game."

Link to comment

That's just it. It's not really a game. It's about maintaining balance in your life. Sure you might have met this new person and you are over the moon about them, but you still have your life to attend to - friends, hobbies, events, activities, etc. You aren't available at his beck and call because you actually do have a life and other obligations to meet. He is an addition to that, not the center of your universe.

 

So when he "pushes", you pull in the sense that you pull away into your fabulous life and practically don't notice that he hasn't called you in three days. So when he finally does and sounds kind of bleh and asks the obligatory so what have you been up to, you do sound genuinely energetic, happy, upbeat and gush over the cool and fun things you've been doing and you can hear him actually think "dang....if I don't keep up with her I'll lose someone wonderful....." You recapture interest by being interesting.

Link to comment

 

That's just it. It's not really a game. It's about maintaining balance in your life.

 

So when he "pushes", you pull in the sense that you pull away into your fabulous life and practically don't notice that he hasn't called you in three days. So when he finally does and sounds kind of bleh and asks the obligatory so what have you been up to, you do sound genuinely energetic, happy, upbeat and gush over the cool and fun things you've been doing and you can hear him actually think "dang....if I don't keep up with her I'll lose someone wonderful....." You recapture interest by being interesting.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with this which is what I advise others to do and what I do myself.

 

To me that's normal, healthy and positive.

 

I was referring to another type of push/pull in which a man (or woman) pulls you in and then intentionally pushes you out, expecting you to pick up the slack.

 

It's a test of sorts, testing how high a woman's interest is.

 

Often it's due to his/her own insecurity and other issues, but confusing nonetheless. Both men and women play this game.

 

Personally this game or "dance" doesn't intrigue me.

 

Right or wrong, I just assume he's lost interest and/or not comfortable with the connection and walk away; I don't 'pick up the slack" or chase.

 

Games suck.

 

But what you said DF, needing some space from time to time? Again, absolutely agree with that.

 

I need my space too!

 

When you finally reconnect, it's that much more fun and exciting as you had a chance to miss each other a bit, which builds attraction.

Link to comment

Just wanted to clarify one more thing.

 

I could understand a man (or woman) giving their partner a push IF their partner was demonstrating low interest (breaking or flaking on dates, not returning texts, etc.)

 

What I don't get is when a man does this when things are going well and BOTH are demonstrating high interest.

 

There is no reason for it. I always thought "pushes" were for women showing low interest, which again is understandable.

 

I don't know, the whole dating game has become really confusing to me lately.

Link to comment
This is pretty simple. Women are attracted to guys that are great catches. Great catches usually have options and therefore are not desperate (too eager).

 

Yes and it doesn't mean that they act in an unavailable way Huge difference between too eager and unavailable.- Acting desperate is a huge turn off and a person who is a great catch and wants to meet a good match will act in an approachable way.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...