Do I stay in my marriage?

Sorry for the length of all this but I want some advise and so I am telling the full story. Thank you.

 

I have been married for a total of 3 whole months now, but I am already having doubts, although I have been with my partner for 8 years.

 

A new girl started at my work at the time I got married who I instantly liked. She also wed her long-term partner only a couple of weeks before me!

 

At first I just really liked the new girl. I thought she was really fresh and fun to be around. A part of me started to feel some chemistry there. Then the new girl says to me privately at Friday drinks that she 'likes my company,' and not to tell anyone. I said I liked her company too but I kind of brushed this off as I did not want to start telling her too much at that point. What she really meant by she 'likes my company' I do not know. I like to think that she meant this in a way that was more than just friends.

 

Since then, I cannot stop thinking about the new girl at work. I wish that it was her I was married too. I feel like I want to tell her how I feel about her. It may well be possible that she is having some difficulties in her marriage too but I have never really asked her about this either. Ultimately though I feel 100% desire for this girl and I want to explore where it could go.

 

These feelings I have now, I don't think I ever had for my wife. With my wife it just kind of happened. I do love my wife, she is a lovely person, she puts up with me (this is perhaps harder than it sounds), we agree on so many things like what is fun, right to do and important. But then she is always sad because she apparently hates her job but feels trapped, as her job is so specific she would have to start from the bottom to gain more skills, but she doesn't want to lose the money. To me it is easy, if you don't like the job that much then money is not important, but she doesn't see it this way and feels trapped. Then I feel that she is always telling me what to do and moaning at me, although this is perhaps always to be expected! I feel all I get is negativity all the time. It has got to the point now where I even get annoyed with her about small things, even her personality to some extent.

 

I like the new girl at work and have started comparing them against each other, with the new girl winning every time. My wife has previously said she doesn't want children where I said that I would prefer children but this is not a deal breaker. But then the new girl has said she wants to have 4 children, which I love. Now I am thinking that maybe having children is important to me. My wife has started to think about children as she is 33, and so the biological clock is ticking, but whether or not she will ever want children I don't know.

 

It is really crazy now as nothing has happened with the new girl at work, accept that I have these feelings for her. She is only recently married too which makes hard for anything to happen. Then if anything were to happen, you don't know how long it could last, maybe it would/would not work out for us in the long run, but if we wanted to make a go of it we would have to both leave our partners. So I have no idea really what she thinks of me, let alone if she has any thoughts about leaving her partner.

 

So now I am regretting my marriage, thinking that I don't get what I should be getting out of it emotionally. Thinking that maybe having children is important to me. I really like the new girl at work which lets face it, is not very likely to end up with us both having a life together in the future. But this is what I feel I want. If I were to break up with my wife, she would be distraught. And not just her, her family too. They have all done so much for me. I am not very good left to my own devices and so if I were to leave my wife, and nothing happen with the girl at work, then I would probably end up getting pretty lonely (although maybe this is what I deserve).

 

So... what do I do?

 

Do I leave the wife because I do not feel in love as much as the new girl in work?

Do I stay with the wife to save her upset, accepting the marriage vows I have signed up to?

Do I speak to the new girl at work to see if anything can happen? Have an affair just to see how it goes?

 

If the new girl has feelings for me too, then it is one thing to have an affair, and another one entirely for us both to leave our partners.

If she doesn't have feelings for me, or want to follow her feelings, then I have to decide if I want to stay with the wife anyway.

 

At the moment I think I will speak to the new girl at work and see if there is anything between us. See what happens. Then also I guess try to simultaneously try to fix my marriage and speak to my wife about my feelings.

What will happen if things blossom with the new girl and the wife says she will have children and try to change for me I don't know. I would presume I would leave the wife anyway if the new girl wanted things to go further.

Because of this, I think that I should just leave the wife regardless of anyone else.

 

Do I stay in my marriage?

I didn't even get through half of your post because the answer is more than obvious, leave your marriage. You are not in love with your wife, you made a mistake marrying and only did so out of either obligation or because it was comfortable.

 

You are no where near in the mindset of a husband. You should be happy with your wife and never want or need any other woman. That's not you at all, in fact, you not only are crushing on someone else but want her and wished she was your wife.

 

Do yourself and your wife a favor, file for divorce. Whether things work out with this other woman or not is not the point, the point is, you're not ready for marriage and are not in love with your wife.

She deserves a man who is head over heels for her and only wants her and you should be single and carry on as you wish.

They have all done so much for me. I am not very good left to my own devices and so if I were to leave my wife, and nothing happen with the girl at work, then I would probably end up getting pretty lonely (although maybe this is what I deserve).

 

No, you don't stay with someone and wait and see if the new person will want you and if the new person doesn't, then run back to the old. You don't get to treat people that way unless you're a total selfish jerk.

You know, as all of us do now, that you don't really want your wife and you've got a wandering eye. She doesn't deserve that and you don't get to hold onto her for safety and then dump her when someone better comes along.

End the marriage and be fair. She can then find someone who truly only wants her and you can carry on to look around.

It would destroy her if I left though. I love her enough that I don't want to do this to her...?

No, you don't stay with someone in order to not destroy them. I mean, do you really think you're not hurting her anyway with eyeing up another woman, wanting her, wishing she was your wife and so on?

Your current wife may not know, but it's terrible. Give the poor woman some dignity and divorce her instead or remaining with her out of obligation but lusting after someone else.

 

In my opinion that's worse than divorce.

Maybe I could/should try to love her more? Tell her what I think and see if that changes things?

If you are determined to save your marriage, you need to:

 

1.) Stop lusting after this other woman. End all contact with her.

 

2.) Talk to your wife, tell her your concerns, maybe even seek counselling together.

 

3.) Re-ignite your fire together. You obviously loved each other to remain together this long. Go on date nights, have fun together, remember what it is that made you fall in love in the first place.

 

You married her for a reason and you should give it a fair shot, but you need to be honest with yourself and see how much self control you have and if you can stop mentally cheating on your wife and stop lusting after this other woman.

Yes it takes two to make a marriage work and you need to talk to your wife and see if you can sort your problems out and build your foundation back up together as a couple.

But you need to be honest with yourself and find out what it was that made you look around in the first place and fix that.

Yeh that's probably sound advise thank you.

I agree with a lot of suggestions that SherrySher made. Your wife is depressed. You've been together 8 years. You married her! You've got to help her instead of lusting after this new girl who has barely said a few words to you and you're already envisioning marrying! If your wife won't leave her job then help her find a new job so she can quit. Take her out to dinner and the movies. Go away for a weekend. Buy her some flowers and some chocolates. Take her to bed more often. Tell her you love her. Text her during the day and ask what she's doing.

 

You know, your marriage means something. You took vows to help each other. Your wife needs help in snapping out of her depression. If you do anything, at least get her to see a doctor, she might need some Zoloft or Xanax to help her get through the workday.

When an emotional connection is lacking in a marriage or there are major problems, it's easy to fall into an emotional affair. You have crossed boundaries here and it's unethical and really unhealthy for your marriage. If you wouldn't say something to another female in front of your wife, you are dishonoring the sanctity of your marriage.

 

You also have to think about your co-worker. She's a married woman who is flirting with another man, a married one no less, and you think she's an ideal candidate for being your romantic partner? Leave taken people alone! It's lacking in integrity and nothing good will come out of two wrongs. Start treating her as any other co-worker and if she flirts, be a decent man and say, "I'm married, so I don't want to go there. I hope you understand."

 

Your main goal is to pull out all of the stops and make the marriage work, and if you're still not happy after all of the efforts, then you can divorce knowing you tried everything before throwing in the towel.

 

Have a serious discussion about your wife's dissatisfaction with her job, that she brings those toxic feelings home, and it's affecting your happiness. Perhaps she can start career education in another field she likes while still working or not working, however it can be worked out. Let her know her happiness is important to you, and life's too short to work for 50 years in a job one hates. Maybe write on a piece of paper all of the options to consider and be pro-active.

 

Keeping the spark takes work, and you have let it slide. If you start making effort, she will appreciate that and probably start reciprocating. Maybe start a new hobby together like taking dance lessons such as tango or salsa. Go to a couples store and pick out fun items to use in the bedroom. Look at Cosmopolitan Magazine online to research new positions to try.

 

Be more creative for date nights or daytime activities on weekends. Instead of dinner and a movie, go zip lining, bowling, hiking in a local park, buy bicycles, picnic by a lake or beach. Cook together, trying a new recipe.

 

Write her a note explaining everything about her you appreciate. If I miss a phone call from my husband at work, he sometimes sings a silly little love song to me on voicemail and it makes me smile.

 

See if your efforts will bring back the closeness you two once must have shared. Since you still care about her and nothing egregious in the marriage has happened like cheating or abuse, this is very fixable. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Sometimes as a married person we forget how much effort we put into choosing our spouse. We forget how it was when we were dating, how easy it is to escape into early feelings of attraction and excitement of being validated by someone new. And we forget how disappointing it is when those feelings subside, and we are left with an actual human who isnt as magical as we thought.

 

Then we find the person who isn't perfect. Who isn't [fantasy checklist]. We feel compelled to know this person. We hit it off immediately. Maybe we try to ignore the connection. Maybe we dive in and never look back. However we get to the altar, the fact is we choose that person to catch us when we fall. To stick with us in mile 21 of the marathon.

 

So, do that. She is in a tough spot. Money is important, making work important. It seems like a bleak dead end.

 

First, be her escape. Every relationship needs to get out of their comfort zone together, maybe once a month.

 

Second, after an escape has freed you both a bit, if conversation can be short, help her see beyond her work. Reframe work as the toop that provides for x. Or the step that leads to y.

 

Keep these behaviors up on a sustained basis. You both need them.

You know if you put the attention and time in that you're giving to this married chick at work, took your wife out for "Friday drinks" and made it so she enjoyed your company, then she would more likely then not, have you feeling the same way that the girl at work makes you feel.

 

Start to get back the emotional connection with your wife by NOT going to Friday drinks with this girl from work and meeting your wife at a hotel bar where you've rented a room for the night and get the fireworks started with the woman you've promised to forsake all others for rather then at the bar on Friday night with another woman. Kick yourself in the arse and get real.

 

... and whatever you do, DO NOT tell your wife that you have been lusting after another woman. She will never trust you again and you've yet to do anything wrong with that woman so keep it to yourself. Do drop all contact and interaction with the other chick now. Work to reinforce your feeling towards your wife. At this point your wife is probably just feeling good with you and doesn't know there is anything wrong going on with your feelings for her. Keep it that way.

All I can tell you man, is emotional affairs ruin marriages. If you want even the slightest chance of things working out with your wife, you need to cut off this other person immediately.

I think if you decide to marry someone you commit to being fully invested in it and continue to work at it. Outside of some crazy irreconcilable differences, neglect or abuse you honorably committed yourself to someone. You didn't mention any particular issues that warrant you having second thoughts, honestly. Life in general isn't always a cake walk.

 

This isn't the last time you'll find yourself in the presence of someone you are attracted to but you have an obligation to not put yourself in

place where you are tempted.

 

Heck, marriages wouldn't exist if everyone acted on it, would it?

It's a choice.

So last night I decided to speak to the wife about the things that were bothering me as a part of me feels empty. The result of which was that she then broke down emotionally saying that it was probably all her fault because she over-reacts to things. I tried to say this is not what I was saying and I loved her, but she wouldn't take it then. Then she said 100% she didn't want kids.

 

Right now the wife is I think generally down about most things, and so I want to try and make her happy. But then also she has said now that she 100% doesn't want kids which makes me feel even more empty.

So last night I decided to speak to the wife about the things that were bothering me as a part of me feels empty. The result of which was that she then broke down emotionally saying that it was probably all her fault because she over-reacts to things. I tried to say this is not what I was saying and I loved her, but she wouldn't take it then. Then she said 100% she didn't want kids.

 

Right now the wife is I think generally down about most things, and so I want to try and make her happy. But then also she has said now that she 100% doesn't want kids which makes me feel even more empty.

 

Um, what? You just fed more noise into the echo chamber that is marriage.

 

1. you know shes spent and is not contributing to the relationship. Not sure what constructive result you expected from your conversation.

2. you can not, never could, and will not ever make her happy. And if that is your intent, how il telling her that youre unhappy going to do that?

 

What you did was what you intended to do, which is to put some of the responsibility on her.

 

Take responsibility by coming up with things for you both to do together that are a little bit scary. it forces you both to get out of the echo chamber. it creates an experience you each overcame, together.

 

 

Or, tell the person with no gas left in her tank that you need her to drive sometimes. Thay way, when you leave her by the side of the road, youcan say, "I tried. i told her i needed her to drive but nothing happened. " I think sharing your feelings was actually passive aggressiveand and destructive, making it even harder for her to relax and be cheerful with you.

Not quite sure what you are saying IAmFCA.

 

I didn't know she was spent, but I think she is perhaps more spent now that I have spoken to her. I just hoped to have a conversation about things, be vocal about my thoughts. Hope that we could come together to improve things.

Then I don't know why you are saying I never could make her happy.

 

But yeh, I wanted to try and give her some responsibility on it all. I was not trying to be passive aggressive. Yes of course, it may be harder to be cheerful with me if I am saying these things to her, but I felt they needed to be addressed.

All I can tell you man, is emotional affairs ruin marriages. If you want even the slightest chance of things working out with your wife, you need to cut off this other person immediately.

 

Completely agree with this. There is a disaster headed your way faster than you think.

First you said not having kids wasn't a deal breaker and now you say you feel empty when she says she doesn't want them, which you knew when you got married. When you begin a serious relationship and see marriage down the road, having or not having kids is an issue both need to agree on, and if not, the relationship should be severed. You've spent more than 8 years together and just now this is an issue for you?

 

Decide once and for all if you want to move forward with a woman who doesn't want kids. If you do, it's better to word things as to what activities you want to try with her to improve your relationship, so that the ideas will be concrete, positive actions instead of just stating, "I feel empty." (Which isn't giving a solution to a problem.)

OP, What do you want?

 

Answer in terms of "I" and not in terms of her.

Ok. So I have been thinking more and more. I think my love for her has gone now, and I think I do want kids. I don’t know why. But I know that I am terrible on my own and I am no great catch. I will probably never find anyone else. The girl at work is married so that will be pretty impossible. She probably was only saying she liked me just to be nice.

 

But then my wife is so insecure. She hates herself at the moment. She/we both have no friends to bounce off. I am better on my own than she is though. If I leave she will really struggle, and I don’t want that, but I am struggling to find the motivation to make a go of it right now.

 

Do I leave and make a hard time for us both? Or stay just to try and keep her happy? I really don’t know where my head is at.

So last night I decided to speak to the wife about the things that were bothering me

What "things" are bothering you? The fact that you have a boner for another woman and you think that your wife can fix that? What do you feel is actually bothering you about your marriage and what or what not your wife is doing?

 

as a part of me feels empty.

What does that mean to you?

 

The result of which was that she then broke down emotionally saying that it was probably all her fault

WHAT was all her fault. You've yet to tell us what you talked about or why you feel empty?

 

because she over-reacts to things.

How does her over-reaction contribute to you feeling empty? What did you say to her that made her correlate her over reacting to you feeling empty?

 

I tried to say this is not what I was saying and I loved her, but she wouldn't take it then. Then she said 100% she didn't want kids.

How did you telling her you loved her lead into her saying she 100% didn't want kids. Please don't tell us that you said her not wanting kids is a deal breaker so that you can be free to be with the which at work that is interloping in on your marriage and you're allowing her to.

 

Right now the wife is I think generally down about most things, and so I want to try and make her happy.

Uhm as far as I can tell, she WAS happy. It was YOU that is emotionally stepping out on the marriage, not her.

 

But then also she has said now that she 100% doesn't want kids which makes me feel even more empty.

Did you not know this going into the marriage?

I'd also like to know why not having children with your wife would make you even more "empty?" Surely if you are not happy in your marriage, the last thing you would want to do is be tied to your current wife for years to come due to having had kids together. THE last thing anyone should do is have children when a marriage is in jeopardy.

Ha! Nice quoting there!

 

But I don’t want to go too specific.

 

I have not said anything about what I am feeling for other people.

 

But she is generally not happy anyway. But after speaking to her she is now less happy obviously.

 

I thought I was happy not to have kids, but also thought she may be up for it a bit. But now I want them more and she wants them less. I had hoped that by bringing up the conversation about kids she may have said she would consider it a bit more, and we could start to outline a future together that includes kids. Right now though, she is unable to work out any future that she wants, even without kids, let alone with.

If you don't share specifics with us we can't help you. IMO you need to figure out what it is you want in a marriage and also the things that make you unhappy. Going through ThatwasThen's questions would be a good start. You don't have to share the answers with us but it will get you thinking about what makes you happy. And then find someone who can give you that so you don't end up jerking people around. And in an ideal situation a parent should be concerned with loving his/her spouse and no one else in order to maintain unity of the family and to create a stable environment for the kids. I'm just sharing that because you said you are thinking about having kids.