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Thread: Torn between 2 options

  1. #1

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    Torn between 2 options

    It's my first time ever doing this so bare with me.. going to make it as short as concise as possible but Im a writer so we'll see!
    I was sexually abused as a child so I've always had a weird relationship with porn- it makes me feel totally uncomfortable and gross. I have tried to get better about this as I have gotten older and have kept that fact private in all my relationships until recently.

    I have had numerous long term relationships where I have bent over backwards for a person but all have ended in me getting cheated on.
    After my last relationship ended awfully (found out he cheated on me when in contracted an STD) I ended up meeting Joe. He was everything I ever wanted and was trustworthy and genuine. My family loved him and we shared many of the same interests. I truly felt like Joe was THE ONE. I still do, kind of.
    Joe was close with his ex from out of state and had been for years so I was trying to put my fears of being cheated on aside and accept their friendship. 3 months in I saw texts between him and her which were innapropriate and I broke up with Joe (for a night). He assured me that I was the only one that he wanted and that it was just a comfortability thing after she had lost her mom tragically. After that he blocked her on his phone.

    In August i met up with Joe and his friends at a bar and he was really drunk. I can't remember why but when we got home (we live together now) I asked him for his phone password. I looked at his email and he had been emailing people and sending shirtless pictures on Craigslist under "personal ads" the emails would stop when someone asked to meet up so I know it never got physical. Regardless I broke up with him and moved out. He tried to talk to me numerous times but I ignored him. About a month later Joe came and spoke to me explaining that it was just a porn thing for him and he realizes it was cheating for me and he is so sorry. He agreed to make numerous life changes with me which we have done for the most part. He spoke to my dad and older brothers individually explaining how sorry he was and gained their trust back (which is veryyyyyy hard to do). I forgave him and moved back in. Things have been good overall. Joe feels like family to me. Since then I have felt uncomfortable with Joe watching porn and I have shared that with him. Not only do I have my past that already makes me uneasy about it- but I also now have this awareness that he took "porn" too far in the past and it truly hurt me soo deeply as he was the first man I ever truly trusted. I asked him not to watch porn while we get through all of this and he agreed. I also told him that mistakes happen and if he does mess up and watch it, please tell me before I accidentally find it.
    I've now caught him 3 times watching it, confronted him, and been promised it won't happen again.
    Most recently tonight I found some and I felt that his response wasn't genuine or appropriate for the gravity of what we have been through recently. He said "sorry I get horney sometimes".
    I feel that he is valuing his temporary satisfaction above my comfortability in this relationship and isn't truly valuing me forgiving him for the pain he has caused me by blatantly partaking in the problem that was the source of our issue in the first place.

    I will say that our sex life isn't great since all of this which is something we have communicated on numerous times- me explaining to him that it's hard for me to be intimate without trust and as it builds I will be more open sexually. He seems to be understanding of that- we have sex about 1 time a week- sometimes more.
    Not sure where to go from here... I don't want to break up, we've been together 2 years and live together and have pets together and feel like family. But I don't feel that I'm getting the respect i deserve and I hate having to fear going on the computer or wondering what a text coming to my bfs phone says. I really don't know what to do
    Last edited by Barney3; 12-06-2017 at 03:35 AM.

  2. #2
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    Well, your concern about porn is often expressed by women, but as a guy, I've got to advise you to just let him watch porn as long as he doesn't do it blatantly and it doesn't interfere in your relationship. In a recent study 97% of men professed to looking at porn regularly and 2% refused to answer, so probably they do too.

    Men are visually oriented, which is why they like looking at women, and biologically, their bodies are always creating sperm and prostate fluid. Just like a mother who recently had a baby has to pump breast milk, and both sexes have to urinate, the fluids make him feel horny and he has to release them to regain his composure. It's not cheating, and he's not comparing you to the porn ladies, but he's using porn as a visual aid to relieve himself. If you're only having sex once a week, I guarantee he has to be doing something to tame the beast. In fact, being in a relationship can actually make a guy hornier and have to masturbate even more frequently. So try to give him some room or you wind up pushing him away and embarrassing him like a mother walking in on a child touching himself. Also it's unrealistic to think he's going to tell you he was watching porn or masturbating especially when you've expressed displeasure at him doing it. I would be more concerned about him posting half naked pictures on personal ads on Craigslist.

    You don't want to create an atmosphere where you drive him away with your suspicions and your jealousy. You've got to ease up. Don't snoop on his phone or computer. Let him watch porn so he doesn't have to go somewhere else for sex. Only call him to the carpet if he does something blatant and try to be more warm and loving to keep him with you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    For the love of god, why do you accept/forgive guys poor behavior? Here's a tip....stop taking them back. You are pretty naive to believe what keeps coming out of his mouth. It's not a "porn" thing. He's just an all around bad BF. He has absolutely no respect for you. You need to have some self worth. If you keep overlooking the red flags, you will keep having these crappy relationships, over and over again.

    Seriously you deserve better than this....like for real.

  4. #4
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    By listening to your post, I feel like it may be possible that you are asexual (not having sexual feelings [which are different from romatic feelings] for another person) or possibly demisexual (meaning that you aren't interested in another sexually until you know them and trust them). I may be far off in this thought though. However, if you relate to either, I'd suggest looking into them more. It may just be that your previous experience sexually was not positive, which may be your main reason for being uncomfortable.

    Moving on to the relationship spectrum, it does seem a bit far-fetched for you to request him to stop watching porn. Depending on your physical intamacy with him, this can be rather a hard thing. I'd suggest being more open to it, but ask him to be open with what he is doing- in essence, watching porn, texting others in a more intimate way, posting pictures. You want him to be honest with you, but you don't want to come off as being intrusive by snooping through his things.
    Personally, I would not find it okay for my partner to be texting others or posting half-naked photos. However, if I was not giving him the intimacy that he desired, I would try to be willing to see his side and compromise.

    I can definitely see how you would feel less respected by his decisions. However, in a relationship, compromises must be made from both sides- it's not going to be perfect. Maybe you need to loosen up on watching porn, and maybe he needs to respect some of your other wishes more by gaining your full trust before pushing the more sexual acts.

    It sounds like your relationship is going relatively well, issues that are sexual based aside. Try communicating with him more. Express your concerns- if you trust him enough, explain (even if a little bit) why. Tell him what you feel that you need from the relationship, and ask him what he needs in return. Try to find a middle ground between the two of you to compromise. Hope that this helps.

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