mother in law

Hi all, I haven't been on here in awhile, I got married recently and have been experiencing some issues with my new mother in law.

It started before the wedding, just little intrusive things like her wanting to be more involved in the planning, and because we were having a very low-key wedding with few people, there really wasn't much to plan, so she went ahead and took it upon herself to just start finding things to do, without asking first

But the real issues have come after the wedding. My husband suffered a head injury and is having trouble recovering. His mom, is a nervous hypochondriac who is losing her mind with worry. She stresses me out more than my husbands injury does!

She is also having issues dealing with the fact that her son has someone else in his life now (me). And also that her son is a 36 year old man and not her little boy. She has overstepped several times already in just the last two months. The first was undermining me at the hospital and not letting me speak (as my husbands wife) to the doctors when he injured himself.

The second, was her contacting my husbands employees (he's a business owner) to ask after his health following the head injury, and asking that she be their point of contact if something happens to him at work.

The third was suggesting that my husband move in with her so that she can care for him

And the latest happened today, she happened to come over when I was home with him and he was not well, she said "come over here my baby and sit on the couch with mama". Pure babytalk. She then took over helping him walk about the house, to the bathroom and back, helping him eat and drink. I was there, but pretty much forgotten about. My husband was too out-of-it to notice what was happening. At one point I had to intervene because it seemed like she was intent on helping him change his pants....kinda think that's a wife's job now. The difference today was that she got snarky. She was feeding him coffee, and I said that I didn't think heshould have caffeine because it would prevent him from getting the sleep he needs, and that he needs rest to get better, and she said something like "we'll let the doctor decide what he needs".....but it was the doctor that told us that he needs sleep...

So, apart from today's incident, I talked with my husband about each of the other incidents fairly promptly after they occurred. He has always agreed that she is inappropriate and overstepping, and had words with her about it, each time. He doesn't like what she is doing anymore than I do, and we both agree that she is clearly having issues with the change in power structure.

I haven't talked to him about today yet, because he isn't well enough forthe convo yet, but i'm sure, once again he will agree, and will have words with her again....but to no avail because she just keeps intruding.

So far I have let him deal with her, but I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Not sure if Should just speak up or if that would make it worse...

Thoughts?

Sounds like it’s time to put on your big girl pants and put this chick in her place. Are you ready for some #adulting ??

I will add, each time my husband talks to her, she apologizes to me, so I know the difficult conversations have been taking place between them.

I will add, each time my husband talks to her, she apologizes to me, so I know the difficult conversations have been taking place between them.

That’s just her being manipulative. You need to call out the bs when you see it.

That’s just her being manipulative. You need to call out the bs when you see it.

But the OP already is and she is not backing down.

The OP should avoid being confrontational with any inlaws. If this woman is dominating, she will continue to engage in a power struggle. Her husband needs to be the one to physically draw the line and mean business. She legally cannot bar the OP from hospital visits because she is family. She is not in charge of informing employers of being the main point of contact. And her husband can put his foot down by limiting contact until she starts to treat his wife better.

There isn't much the OP can do in this situation. The boundary can only be enforced by her husband because it's HIS mother.

in addition, once he feels better I would book an appointment with a lawyer to set legal plans of distribution of property in case one of you dies (a Will) and making medical calls if either of you is unconscious and cannot verbally dictate what kind of treatment you'll need. If he has to be put on life support in order to live, would you want to end his suffering? And who gets to make that cal in that situation...

Personally, a mother barring her son's wife from a hospital visit would of crossed the line. It shows her true colors of what she be in a severe emergency situation. I would be speaking to a lawyer and set up legal boundaries on making big medical/property decisions so that drama doesn't happen again.

If he had a concussion, you MUST be the point person.

All extraneous actively must be limited.

Think of it like the flu.

He should be only doing six things a day.

Sleeping on his sides, stomach, back, eating and bathroom.

It's the only way the brain heals.

Even TV taxes and prolongs healing!

Remember - No matter what he says or does, he's NOT himself!

I will add, each time my husband talks to her, she apologizes to me, so I know the difficult conversations have been taking place between them.

If she apologizes then she knows that what she is doing isn't right so next time she over-steps tell her that "this is the type of behaviour that you apologized for yesterday." Hopefully she will realize and back down. I can see why she is concerned, her son has suffered a head injury and she's rightfully worried and is wanting to be his caregiver as what she normally would be if you weren't in the picture. BUT: you are going to have to have strong boundaries with her that you won't let her cross which can be done with a matter of fact tone and you not enabling her behaviour.

Surely you can delegate some duties to her that would keep her feeling that she's helping while you take care of everything else. As a mother, I think the only motive she has is to look after her son so that her anxiety over his injury is lessened.

There IS a workable solution without her being totally left out. Be kind but be STRONG in keeping boundaries with her.

Thank you everyone.

He had another talk with her, after she went out and bought a bunch of meal-replacement drinks and gatorade to last a month. She never asked either him or me if we needed or wanted these things.

After it happened, I said to him that this was another example of her overstepping. All she had to do was ask if we wanted these things (we don't need or want them) or needed her help getting them. I'm perfectly capable of going shopping for supplies, but know when to ask for help also, if I need too.

She didn't apologize to me this time though. And apparently got defensive about it with my husband. But she agreed to back off.

I haven't heard a peep from her since Thursday night.