Younger sister is out of control. In need of advice.

Hi everyone. I'm in need of advice here because I'm at my wits end.

I'm 28 and I have a younger half-sister who recently turned 16. We don't live together and rarely see each other due to busy life, 3 hour car journey between us, and she is generally unpleasant to be around. But have always kept in touch over text/calls.

There's many factors I'm concerned about, but her sexual behaviour is up there at the top because of the risks to her health and her mental wellbeing . I just found out yesterday that she'd been treated for an STI she caught off a boy she'd only known for 5 minutes before having sex with him. Two years ago when she was 14, she had to go through an abortion after falling pregnant to her then boyfriend. Acted like it was all a big joke and "no big deal". When she was 11 years old, she sent a completely naked photo of herself online to my friend, who was 27 at that time, and informed me of it straight away before blocking her. Around the same period of time, a few of her friends approached me and told me she'd been sending photos to some boys in their class so whether wrong or right of me, I went through her phone, through her photo album, and sure enough, dozens of photos she'd taken of herself naked in the bath etc.

The current boyfriend she has now is her eleventh or twelfth boyfriend, all of who she's been sexually active with.

Her Instagram is full of very sexually suggestive photos (her boyfriends hands down her underwear, her sucking a banana, her dressed in stockings and so on). If she sees a cute looking boy online, she'll post her full address and tell him to come visit her. I've seen her post her full address at least 5 times now. Publicly. (There was actually an attempted break in at her address very shortly after posting it online once)

This is a 16 year old CHILD. Who, frankly, I'm close to completely giving up on because she seems like a lost cause now. Not to mention she is incredibly exhausting, time consuming, rude, vulgar, verbally and physically aggressive. Last time I saw her she full on punched me in my face "for a laugh" .

What do I do here ?

Where are your parents in all of this?

She sounds to me like a victim of sexual abuse at some point.

She sounds to me like a victim of sexual abuse at some point.

I agree. I was thinking that, too.

If this is for real, she sounds like a very very disturbed girl in desperate need of help. If her own parents can't get her help, then maybe you can.

In addition to abuse being a reason for her behavior, what is her home life like? She may be craving affection and attention because she's not getting it from her parents. So she's acting out to get her parents' attention, because they're not monitoring her. Act 16, she's running out of time to get corrected and she may wind up being like this for the rest of her life.

Angry and self destructive, agree likely due to some deeply terrible wrong. Its sad to think how deep her hurt must go for her to be certain of her own value in this way, people in this way. Aggressively sexual, predatorial, anonymous, meaningless. Its as if she is yelling and nobody's listening.

Maybe a school counsellor or psychiatrist in your circle can suggest the best pathway to treatment for her. in the meantime, express your acceptance of her - not her actions, perhaps.

She sounds to me like a victim of sexual abuse at some point.

I was about to say the same.

OP, where are your/her parents? What are they doing or not doing that you feel could be contributing to this behaviour? Please, don't write her off completely. I understand she is extremely difficult but this sort of behaviour is a cry for help, even if she outwardly doesn't want it. Something is very wrong and her lashing out is her attempt to mask pain, of some kind.

She sounds to me like a victim of sexual abuse at some point.

I always thought this too and took this very seriously because I myself was sexually abused as a young child. But after a long time of asking questions and from what I've gathered over the years, I'm 100% certain she's never been sexually abused. + tbh, she actually says some horrible comments to me regarding the sexual abuse that happened to me.

The sexual behaviour from her is just one part of it. There's the petty tantrums she has like a toddler if she doesn't get her own way or what she wants. Last Xmas for example, I asked her what she wanted me to buy her, so she linked me to a dress. It was like something a stripper would wear. Fishnet except for small panels across the boob and crotch area. Told her I wasn't gonna buy it because it was inappropriate for her age. She replied "FU*KING BUY IT" . Told her "no" . She then rings me straight up and screams down the phone that I'm a c*nt and a b*tch and a this and a that and hangs up. So I chose a present for her myself, which was a bottle of perfume I knew she liked. Took it over to her on Xmas day and in a fit of rage, because she was disappointed I didn't buy the dress, she smashed the bottle of perfume off the floor.

It's stuff like this all the time. I know she's young. But she's old enough to know better than this. It's like she's using aggression to gain control over people where they're so scared of her reaction, they'll do anything to stop her kicking off.

She lies compulsively about everything. She's a bully at school. I've seen her bullying people online. She's been done for shoplifting three times. She's been arrested for assault. She's spat in people's face, kicked, punched, slapped, ripped hair out. She causes so much drama just for the sake of it, it's unbelievable. Lying about people to play them off against each other etc. That's what I'm sick of the most. .. the constant drama. I'm a very quiet person, emotionally damaged myself, trying to cope with my own life and issues as best I can, trying to find some inner peace after 28 years of upheaval. And all this crap with her dragging me into drama 24/7, calling me names, mocking me about the abuse I endured as a child, she tries to get my partner to cheat on me by telling him about other girls and trying to spark up conversations between them and him. Absolutely anything for a reaction. She's opening up wounds all the time that I'm trying to stitch up, because they hurt. What I mean is, she's very bad for my mental health and I don't know how long I can keep allowing her to set me on fire just to keep her warm. You know?

To give her credit., she is a brilliant artist for her age. And that's the sad thing I guess. She's not an untalented child. She's got numerous awards for art and writing. And medals for horse riding and years ago, wanted to train for the Olympic Games. I've taken her to craft fairs. My partner who works in art and restoration, his boss/friend owns an art exhibition and has offered to put her work on display if she's interested in doing any recent paintings. Her reply .. "nah" . That's pretty much it to everything. ... "nah". To some fantastic opportunities. I've tried so much to direct her towards something more than what she's doing. A passion. An outlet. A different perspective on things. Different, positive experiences. Said she wanted to try her hand at landscape photography, so I bought her up by me a few years back to the Lake District to do that . Lake District is a beautiful place in terms of scenery, and peaceful and quiet. She turned the whole thing, miserable. Spent the entire time on social media, switching between Facebook and Instagram. Chatting to random boys. Chatting to her boyfriend. Checking every 5 mins to see if she got any new likes/follwrs so on. Asked her nicely a dozen times to put her phone away for a bit and enjoy the day here, focus on the photography she wanted to do and go for a walk with me, chat, enjoy her break here. Finally lost my rag with her, grabbed her phone off her and put it in my bag out the way because she was pissing me off with it. And then she assaulted me. Twisted my arm. Grabbed my hair. Called me every vile name she could think of. And that was that end of that. What intended to have been a positive experience for her, she turned it into a miserable, upset, real crappy day. Again, drama drama DRAMA. So caught up in online life and all this social media garbage, she cares more about random nobodies on there than she does her own family.

Just a P.S:

Last straw with her really was when she had a hissy fit again over something she wanted me to buy her. I told her that I hope reality comes along one day and slaps her hard in her face. Now this is where she was a manipulative little brat and twisted my words to her agenda. So shortly after that, the police arrive at my door. She told them I'd "slapped her in the face". ?!. Obviously not true and she later admitted to them that she had lied. But this kind of stuff is not just "messing around for a joke". It's very serious and it's a mockery to people who actually HAVE been assaulted. (She was referred to a Dr about her behaviour after this)

I'm at breaking point and feel it would be best for all if I washed my hands of her. But at the same time, she's family and I'm very concerned for her wellbeing. I'm scared the way she's going that she'll be raped or injured or worse. That she'll end up a drug addict or alcoholic. (She already drinks regularly and smokes weed).

I'm scared for her and I so desperately want her to change. She throws everything I offer, back in my face to the point where I'm at a complete loss where to go from here?? My mental health is suffering from her behaviour.

Sorry, but could you answer the question of where your parents are in all this? Or whoever the caregivers may (or perhaps rather should) be?

For years, I worked in a rehab facility for teenagers, many of whom followed the same patterns of sexual behavior and who in fact didn't have a history of sexual abuse, so I can buy that may not necessarily be the case. Still, of the thousands of clients who passed through, I could count on one hand the cases that weren't directly attributable to harmful parenting, whether from outright abuse or negligence in some form or another.

Fact is that even if you were 110% willing, there's only so much you can stand in for your parents when, at the end of the day, the structure she has in her everyday life is completely out of your hands. What I'd try to do is not take it personally, even if she blasts off against you. She's just a kid, and virtually everything she's doing is a cry for help, even if she doesn't know how to ask for it or receive it.

Yes, this child is screaming for help. Something is massively array here .

Maybe a possibility is to direct authorities to the behavior of the parents?

The parents, I don't know much about tbh. We're half sisters. We share the same father. Different mothers.

To say I don't know much about my father, sounds strange. But when I was a child, my dad was a big time drinker and drug user (heroin and cocaine). He treated the family home like a drug den and invited drug addicts/dealers to stay there often. This and other reasons that I don't want to go into, led me to be taken into care aged 6. That was the last time I ever set eyes on my dad (until 6 years ago, which was also the very first time I met my sister)...

So I know very little about him. What I DO know is that he was taken into rehab shortly after I went into care and it went on and off like that for a couple of years before he finally got clean, and my sister would have been around 1 year old when he got clean. I also do know that social services were watching him very closely with his new child. Do I think he'd ever be violent now that he's off drugs? No. His violence in my childhood, purely came from when the drugs were leaving his system and he was coming down off that high. And he couldn't handle it. So he'd flip and he'd lash out. But now that he's clean ?

My sister is actually very close to our dad. But she has said that he never has much time for her . And I second that, he might spoil her with presents and buy her whatever she wants , but he doesn't make effort to spend quality time with her. (This is a man who ditched me for 16 years without as much as a letter or phonecall) . So, violent? No. Emotionally neglectful? Absolutely yes.

Her mum, again .. for same reasons above, I don't know her well. But she is more of a key point here because she has two daughters from a previous marriage. Both those girls became pregnant and had kids when they were in their early teens. Both at 13-14 years old. So I don't know how much can be attributed to her. She does have a Facebook and an Instagram and she can clearly see what my sister is posting on there. But says nothing. I've spoken to her mum before about all this and she goes back to the same sentence every time .. "it's a phase. It'll pass. She's a typical teenager. Let her be young and have her fun. It will pass. It will pass" .

Great yeah, that might be so, it might "pass" . But until then? In the meanwhile until it "passes", what then ? How many more unwanted pregnancies? How many more abortions? How many more boys using her like a toy? How many more STI's? How many more police arrests? How many more kids driven to tears by her bullying? How many more assaults? How many more naked photos of herself to overaged men? "it'll pass" .. sure .. when she's left mentally and physically messed up and damaged for life because of the actions between now and then.

Her parents are absolutely useless to sort this out with. There's more passion in a damp flannel than there is from the both of them over this.

They tell me this is normal teenage behaviour and I should ignore it until she grows up abit. But I don't think this IS "normal teenage behaviour" ?? I don't think I'm the one here that's overreacting like they say I am. I think it's them who's underreacting. ?

I've tried to take it upon myself to help her best I can, direct her, help her find a passion that she wants to put her energy in to, I let her know all the time that I am here unconditionally to listen to her, whatever she has to say or vent about, I try to give her positive experiences to help her grow and learn and change and she throws it back in my face EVERY. DAMN. TIME.

it's like she's deliberately pushing me away. And after 6 years of persisting on and on with her .. I'm getting weary now.

Time to alert child services.

You can't save her. And it isn't your job to save her. She is causing you emotional trauma. Alert child services and then stop interacting with her. It's heartbreaking what she is going through but you can't save her. She needs professionals and actual support. She knows how to push your buttons and is happy to do it. All you are doing by giving her time is hurting yourself.

She's a mess. And she is a child. And it hurts when you can't help, even when you really want to. But you can't help this. You need to take care of yourself first.

And maybe it is a phase? Maybe she will grow up and out of it. But right now she is a danger to you. As much as it hurts to walk away from someone so clearly in need, you are not the person who can fix this. She needs a lot more help then you can give.

No, this is not typical teenage behavior. She is acting out and grasping for attention. She is a product of her environment.

Unless you are willing to step in then you might have an obligation to contact authorities. What do you have to lose?

She could very well have some undiagnosed mental issues.

I have to say, though you don't know much about your own bio dad or her mother, you state without a doubt that she hasn't been molested?

If you don't know much about those who are her primary caregivers, there's a really strong chance you don't know the whole story.

I hope I am wrong, but the two would seem to go hand in hand.

I agree with Rosephase.

I also hear something in your posts that, if I were a reckless teenager, would cause me to rebel against you same as everyone else. That something is the sense that her life and her behavior is bad because it isn't normal: who says she needs to be normal. The sense that its bad because of how it hurts others: when does she get to indulge her own desires, especially given that nobody else puts her first? She can hardly be expected not to take an opportunity to indulge herself. The sense that she is being compared to some standard. That, in itself, would anger me to the point of dismissing you no matter how valuable you were to me in other ways.

1. Accept who she is. Accept. Period. Think about it: if someone wants to be a stripper, say, and have multiple casual sex partners, you are not likely to dissuade such a person of either choice. But you might help that person accept themselves as someone who is comfortable displaying her body for others' titillation, and help her keep herself safe with regular nurse practitioner check ups, lots of water and vitamins in her diet to counter the effects of being indoors, and some basic rules about keeping better boundaries for personal safety. If you think she is tricking or using, I suppose you could use the law, but my friends who used to use had hit or miss experiences - not everyone got into rehab or counseling etc.

Meet her on her terms -- who she is today, what her interests are, today.

2. Do not pander to her, nor accept for yourself treatment you wouldn't accept from anyone else. You are making excuses for her, which is a form of disrespect. We make excuses for people who are not capable. Buying her clothes in a style that isn't her own is also form of disrespect - she likes what she likes. You don't. So stay away from that. Support her art, maybe. Find a nonprofit that might engage her interests, maybe. Expose her to small, somewhat anonymous environments, where she might - ON HER OWN - find a comfortable home away from home. Other people like her, except they are sculpting, or modeling for portrait classes, or painting houses. Who knows.

3. Keep your boundaries. Give her a chance to invite you or involve you. If her fb is disrespectful, then keep it off of your feed. If her behavior is disrespectful, then interact from a further distance. Communicate by text, or DM. Maintain your respect for yourself by protecting yourself from others' chaos, even hers. Send her an art supply kit in the mail, maybe. Whatever works so she knows you are thinking of her but also pursuing your own path and respecting her space.

4. She is acting out. Pushing you away. Respect that , hold her accountable without saying so, by giving her space. She wants space, let her have it. Not in anger, rather, in respect. She is in pain. Do you want everyone to watch when you are in pain? No. Back off. The occasional card in the mail, funny and brief text, whatever. Nothing that obligates her to engage in any way, and not that often.

5. Let go. Of your expectations for her future, or your sadness at your own past and her present. Not everyone finds their way, which is sad. You can't live for her, so give her a chance to drown on her own and maybe save herself. You may not see it coming; doesn't mean it won't happen. Let go and let her be her.

I agree with Rosephase.

 

I also hear something in your posts that, if I were a reckless teenager, would cause me to rebel against you same as everyone else. That something is the sense that her life and her behavior is bad because it isn't normal: who says she needs to be normal. The sense that its bad because of how it hurts others: when does she get to indulge her own desires, especially given that nobody else puts her first? She can hardly be expected not to take an opportunity to indulge herself. The sense that she is being compared to some standard. That, in itself, would anger me to the point of dismissing you no matter how valuable you were to me in other ways.

 

1. Accept who she is. Accept. Period. Think about it: if someone wants to be a stripper, say, and have multiple casual sex partners, you are not likely to dissuade such a person of either choice. But you might help that person accept themselves as someone who is comfortable displaying her body for others' titillation, and help her keep herself safe with regular nurse practitioner check ups, lots of water and vitamins in her diet to counter the effects of being indoors, and some basic rules about keeping better boundaries for personal safety. If you think she is tricking or using, I suppose you could use the law, but my friends who used to use had hit or miss experiences - not everyone got into rehab or counseling etc.

 

Meet her on her terms -- who she is today, what her interests are, today.

 

2. Do not pander to her, nor accept for yourself treatment you wouldn't accept from anyone else. You are making excuses for her, which is a form of disrespect. We make excuses for people who are not capable. Buying her clothes in a style that isn't her own is also form of disrespect - she likes what she likes. You don't. So stay away from that. Support her art, maybe. Find a nonprofit that might engage her interests, maybe. Expose her to small, somewhat anonymous environments, where she might - ON HER OWN - find a comfortable home away from home. Other people like her, except they are sculpting, or modeling for portrait classes, or painting houses. Who knows.

 

3. Keep your boundaries. Give her a chance to invite you or involve you. If her fb is disrespectful, then keep it off of your feed. If her behavior is disrespectful, then interact from a further distance. Communicate by text, or DM. Maintain your respect for yourself by protecting yourself from others' chaos, even hers. Send her an art supply kit in the mail, maybe. Whatever works so she knows you are thinking of her but also pursuing your own path and respecting her space.

 

4. She is acting out. Pushing you away. Respect that , hold her accountable without saying so, by giving her space. She wants space, let her have it. Not in anger, rather, in respect. She is in pain. Do you want everyone to watch when you are in pain? No. Back off. The occasional card in the mail, funny and brief text, whatever. Nothing that obligates her to engage in any way, and not that often.

 

5. Let go. Of your expectations for her future, or your sadness at your own past and her present. Not everyone finds their way, which is sad. You can't live for her, so give her a chance to drown on her own and maybe save herself. You may not see it coming; doesn't mean it won't happen. Let go and let her be her.

Thank you everyone who posted here for your advice. Some differing from each other, but I'll take all on board and I guess it will work out how it's meant to work out.

@IamFCA.. there's some things you said which I agree and disagree with.

Firstly that I need to accept her for who she is. .. but that's the thing, she isn't even HERSELF. She's completely lost her identity to social media and has morphed into this Kim Kardashian wannabe. Kim K, unfortunately is her idol. And she copies everything from her clothes to her makeup to her poses. And I understand that right now, THAT is who she "is". And yes it's probably a phase. But it's one that I can't support. And purely because I think it's damaging to her. She posts many selfies and a few of them are very natural. She's wearing very little makeup and those are the ones I tell her "you look very beautiful" . Because I want her to KNOW that her natural self is beautiful. These other photos she has where she's basically applied her makeup with a shovel, her painted on eyebrows are practically touching her hairline and her boobs are hanging out. I refuse to support that image. because I feel she's doing it under the impression that her real and natural self isn't good enough. So I refuse to support and encourage her mask of insecurity. What I DO try and do, is encourage and support her natural self. So all these huge makeup kits she wants and all these insanely revealing clothes she wants. .. I can't. Also honestly, me buying some of these clothes she wants would be nothing short of child abuse and exploitation because she'd be out walking around in a mini transparent fishnet dress with something the size of a strip of tape, covering her nipples. I can't contribute towards that. It'd be on the same level as buying her adult lingerie knowing she'd wear it outside. She's a child at the end of the day. Also, I always get the impression from her that she has a issue with our financial differences. She's in a very wealthy family and she has 3 horses, her own private indoor training ground for them, she goes on holiday every 2 months because they have a holiday home over there. And then there's me who's absolutely dirt poor tbh. And she knows this. So I feel like she's very ungrateful to show no regard for anything I buy her by either breaking it deliberately and never have I had a "thank you" from her. Not to mention she wraps toilet paper around the door handles in her home when I visit lol. because she doesn't want "a tramp touching anything" . (I was homeless for a year when I was a teen so she's always nicknames me "the tramp" because of it).

It's just this barrage of e all the time. Some of it is a phase .. some of it I think it's just her nature . Like her looking down on poor people, she's being doing that and toilet papering the handles since I first met her. So I guess I have to do some thinking really whether she's someone I could ever connect with and be close to because we're so polar opposite and our personalities clash. Maybe she really doesn't want anything to do with me other than seeing me as a means to buy her stuff. In which case, I'll respect that too, afterall, she spent the first 10 years of her life not even knowing she had an older half sister and brother. I will sit down with her and have a proper conversation about that.

I do let her be what she is now, as much as I can. This whole caking herself in makeup and wanting to be like her idol. I get it. It's nothing unusual. I'm just scared of something terrible happening to her, I guess. That her mum's gonna ring me one day and say "she's been raped", "she got into someone's car and they've taken her" (she has hitched car rides from total strangers before), "she's been found dead". That's ultimately what I'm afraid of. She can be as wild as she likes. She can enjoy her youth to the max and have as much sex as she likes with whoever. But I just wish she'd use more common sense and be aware of risks. I mean yes, she's still very young, but she's old enough to know better about many of the things she does. Be young and silly, sure. But don't be a reckless idiot. Don't endanger your life.

Just don't bother with her. Period. And call children's services.