Trust issues NEED ADVICE

I'm currently enlisted in the US Military, while me and fiance were just dating she had sex with a dude, but at the time we had agreed to an open relationship while I was away. After we got engaged, we had agreed to no longer have an open relationship. While I was away from home, she had sex with another dude after telling me she wouldn't do that because we were engaged, but I let it go because she had thought we were still at the open relationship standard. Just a couple of days a go a picture surfaced and it's of her and some other guy. She's sitting right next to him and his arms around her. When I had asked her about it she replied with "He had to check into rehab so we were trying to have a good night." Before she left to go out that night we had been fighting a little bit and it was pretty heated. Now normally I wouldn't come to any website for advice but I think I really need it. I love this girl a lot but she raises my anxiety and stress to abnormal levels and I just wanna know what you all think of this. We were planning on getting married when I come out and see her in a couple weeks, and around April she'd be moving down here to California. I want nothing more than this future with her, but sometimes I really feel like I can't take it anymore.

Thank you for your input.

How well do you really know her? How much time have you spent together in the same place on a day-to-day level? Perhaps reflect on these questions before you go through with things.

So when you were dating, you weren't a monogamous couple. Now that you are engaged, sounds like you totally did a 180 and expect monogamy. That usually doesn't work that way very well. Either you are both monogamous people or you aren't. If you are expecting monogamy and she isn't monogamous.....I mean you are setting yourself up for failure. Surely you get that. When it comes to relationships, same rules need to apply from pretty much day one about who and what you both are. Don't do bait and switch, because it will bite you in the rear every single time.

It doesn't sound like you two are really ready for marriage and all that entails and should probably spend more time together and doing a lot of premarital classes and counseling to figure out whether you really are or aren't compatible. Looking from the outside in....doesn't really sound like it.

She wants something completely different than what you do. It is up to you to decide if you can deal with it.

Well we've talked about getting married and she wants it alot. She's actually talking about having kids, which I mean I'm eventually down for.

And I've known her since sophomore year in highschool, I'm 21 now. Back then she was kind of a ty person but when I had first talked to her again when we started dating, she was going to college, and doing really well, she did a complete 180 since highschool. But now I see that she's kind of going back towards how she was.

Then maybe she is not for you. Not every high school romance works out. Not every young romance works out. People change so much overtime and the human brain is not fully adult until 25 . It is most likely that you won't end up with her . She says she wants marriage and kids but her actions say something completely different .

She cheated on you while you are engaged. I am not sure what the confusion is there. You need to stop making excuses for her so you can be with her.

She is obviously acting like a single woman when she is clearly not single.

I am sorry but if you think getting married is going to stop her nature then you are in seriously denial. If you are this anxious and stressed when being engaged is supposed to be a happy and loving time in your life what will your stress and anxiety be like after you are married a few years and she is out with "Guy Friends" all the time.

I can see it now.

You: Who is this guy you are always hanging out with?

Her: Don't worry about it, we are "just friends"

You: He seems like more than just a friend to me.

Her: You are just being jealous and insecure, you knew I was like this when you married me so get over it!

You: Okay.....

Time to step back and postpone the marriage until you two have a relationship boundary discussion. It sounds your idea of a relationship and hers are way different.

Lost

Honestly, I do not think that this woman will ever be totally monogomous with you. She has proven already that she is incapable not sleeping with other guys, and has a list of excuses to prove it.

And to reply to DancingFool, I agree. Sometimes I feel like I'm not ready and I'm sure she feels the same. When I was home in October we fought pretty much the first 3 days I was out there, and we learned to get past that. It would be hard for us to do premarital classes because at the moment we are long distance, I only see her every now and then when I get to go home. I've been wanting to have a heart to heart with her because in 2018 I'll be gone for a lot of the year, and I want to make sure she's aware and prepared for that. Her family says that she loves me a lot and that she really does care for me. But I've always been taught that actions speak louder than words.

Words and actions have to correlate together .

And you can love one to the moon and back and they can still not be the right person for you . Love does not mean it will work out .

I appreciate all the input and I think today I'm gunna call her after I get off from work. Is there anything I should look out for when I talk to her. Immediate red flags and such?

If you are not able to get your head around your true status in he life, then at least do this: get tested for STDs.

You are not in an exclusive relationship with her despite being engaged.

For crying out loud, with are you engaged to an unfaithful woman?

Do you think that this leopard will change he spots?

She is not worthy of your intent. She wants a revolving stable of men in he life with you as a fall back guy.

Red flags

Turning it back on you like you are wrong for bringing it up.

Not taking your concerns seriously and playing it off.

Using terms like "we are just friends" "don't be so jealous" "I can't believe you don't trust me" "You never said I couldn't _______"

The talk needs to be what each of you view a healthy, respectful and trusting relationship is. I think you know how she views a relationship with you or anyone else for that matter. Sure she is engaged but that doesn't mean she still can't go out and have "fun" with guy friends and if things get intimate it didn't mean anything because she Loves you, not them.

I wouldn't move to her or move her to you or make any serious plans with this woman and certainly do not marry her until this is all worked out and PLEASE make the engagement a looooooong one so you can be sure.

Lost

I think you need to make up your mind about what you want first and recognize firmly that you are both too young and this is simply not right for either one of you. Think about it. You are going to be away for almost a year and she is young, energetic, alone, lonely, wanting to do things that women her age want to do - party, flirt, enjoy male attention of all kinds, discover who they are, etc, etc, etc. Even if you weren't away, it's still such an age of rapid growth and change that few relationships manage to last through it and survive.

Anyway, brace yourself for major tears, proclamations of love and loyalty and drama from hell. Possibly even the family getting pulled in to provide added pressure on you. Don't have any convo's until you are prepared fully mentally and emotionally for the storm and are really firm on where you stand and what you want. That would be my advice to you.

This marriage is too rushed even if you do decide to stay together. I'd say postpone until you have the capacity to really get to know each other. At 21 you have plenty of time to spend another year or two or 3 even before you are both actually really ready to say "I do." Now if she is having such a marriage and baby fever at her age that she can't wait....that itself is an answer that this is wrong for you. In that case, it wouldn't be about you and love, it would just be about her needing a sperm donor and it doesn't really matter who it is, so long as she can get someone to go for it. Bad news.

Thanks guys, your input is great and I'm happy I can get eyes from the outside looking in. I'll be at work for a bit and check up to read anything else that has been posted.

Thanks guys, your input is great and I'm happy I can get eyes from the outside looking in. I'll be at work for a bit and check up to read anything else that has been posted.

You sound VERY young. Please don't get married. Neither of you are ready for it. She has cheated on you twice that you know of (I don't buy the "oh I thought we were still open" excuse).

Save yourself the heartache and be single for a while

Sorry to hear this. Leopards don't change their spots, do they?

And I've known her since sophomore year in highschool, I'm 21 now. Back then she was kind of a ty person but when I had first talked to her again when we started dating, she was going to college, and doing really well, she did a complete 180 since highschool. But now I see that she's kind of going back towards how she was.

UPDATE: I told her I was gunna call after work, i just got off haven't even called yet and she hits me with this "You are impossible. that picture was the night we went shooting babe. what do you even think happened? cause your getting all weird again" I'm gunna take your guys advice and I'm gunna stand my ground and leave her. Thank you guys so much

I am sorry, I am sure you had high hopes she was the one.

Healing will come in time. Try and stay total NC on her so none of this gets dredged back up.

Lost