Feeling very weird. My wife thought I was going to hit her

Been married for over 25 years. Never have come in any way close to hitting her nor even threatened it. That thought has never even crossed my mind - ever. I've never even yelled at her or ever called her names. When she nags me to death sometimes my first thought is to leave the house and never come back, but never to hurt her.. I've never had temper tantrums nor had any displays of uncontrolled anger during our entire marriage.

So we were having a fight and she was pissed off as was I and so she went to the kitchen. I was about to go leave for a work meeting out town and let her stew before I left. Instead, I felt bad since the argument was not all that serious, and I thought I would go to the kitchen and give her a kiss to diffuse the ridiculous argument. But she thought I was going to hit her and she cowered asking "Are you going to hit me?". It was the furthest thing from my mind. Her reaction came like a complete shock to me. Once she calmed down and I assured her that there was no way I would ever do such a thing, things seemed to have mellowed out, but I could see she was shaken. I had to go to catch my plane, so I couldn't stay any longer with her ..

I feel very weird now. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, but I feel like I don't ever want to go back again.

What do you all make of this? I can't explain any of it.

This is very strange and I can see why it's thrown you.

Was your hand raised or something? Did you come at her in a manner she could have interpreted as aggressive?

Did you ask her why she thought you would strike her?

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Maybe she predicted you would leave , you took her by surprise by going into the kitchen , her thoughts didn't catch up in time and did you raise you arms to embrace her or something like that ?

What was the argument about and how common are they and what do you mean you were both "pi&&ed" - just how combative and malicious do these fights get, in content, diction, tone, body language?

If the fights are commonplace with you two, what do you think is the reason behind that?

Yeah, she told me that it was something about the expression on my face and the speed at which I approached her. But still .. We've known each other for almost 30 years. How could she possibly think such a thing? A wife beater? That's like accusing me of being a rapist or a child molester.

What was the argument about and how common are they and what do you mean you were both "pi&&ed" - just how combative and malicious do these fights get, in content, diction, tone, body language?

 

If the fights are commonplace with you two, what do you think is the reason behind that?

We fight very so often. She's a bit high strung - always has been. She tends to get bent out of shape over things I consider small. This was one of those cases. It was about who is going to take care of the dog when we go on vacation in February. She'll then use that to pile on all sorts of other things. I tend to argue until she gets too emotional and I'll either just keep quite or leave for a walk. Or after we both simmer for awhile, I'll come over to her (like I did today) and give her a kiss and then we both laugh at the stupidity of the whole thing.

The fights don't get very malicious or combative and they never get physical not do we start yelling.

I think you guys love one another but your way of communicating is what I call "The Bickersons." (from the Saturday Night Live sketch).

Don't make a mountain out of a molehill about this. It was very likely just the speed at which you approached her when she thought you were actually on your way out the door. It's a one off misconstrued reaction to your action.

Try to put her reaction behind you and not let the incident stew until it boils up inside of you.

I think you guys love one another but your way of communicating is what I call "The Bickersons." (from the Saturday Night Live sketch).

 

Don't make a mountain out of a molehill about this. It was very likely just the speed at which you approached her when she thought you were actually on your way out the door. It's a one off misconstrued reaction to your action.

 

Try to put her reaction behind you and not let the incident stew until it boils up inside of you.

I'm really trying not to. But it feels like she doesn't trust me. I'd think that after all these years it goes without saying that if these's one thing she doesn't need to worry about is me hitting her ..! I'd rather eat my own head. How is it that she doesn't know that? After all these years?

I just noticed I made a typo in an earlier message. I meant to write "every so often" and not "very so often". I meant no all that often.

I'm really trying not to. But it feels like she doesn't trust me. I'd think that after all these years it goes without saying that if these's one thing she doesn't need to worry about is me hitting her ..! I'd rather eat my own head. How is it that she doesn't know that? After all these years?

She DOES know that... you, by your own admission took her by surprise and consequently, the expression on your face set off her fight or flight response. That's all it was by all accounts.

She DOES know that... you, by your own admission took her by surprise and consequently, the expression on your face set off her fight or flight response. That's all it was by all accounts.

You may be right. I'll see how I feel by the time I get back. Hopefully I won't feel so weirded out by all this ..

You may be right. I'll see how I feel by the time I get back. Hopefully I won't feel so weirded out by all this ..

Hopefully you won't be. She's probably not even thinking about it anymore.

I totally understand why you might be feeling the way you are. I would be shocked as well given she ostensibly knows you better than anyone, so how could she see you as a bad guy when there's been nothing to warrant a reaction like that. I would probably feel hurt as well.

What did she say once she realized what she had done and you had reassured her that you were only coming in to make up?

Did she say she knows you would never do that? If so, I agree with other posters that it's in your best interest to let it go. It was just an animal reaction.

I also think there is nothing wrong with discussing it further if it continues to bother you, but definitely go back and try to have a non high-strung discussion. You have a lot of good years with this woman

The way you approached her may have reminded her of something from her childhood. Did anyone ever hit her? Like a dad or anyone? I wouldn't feel offended by it though. You're probably more hurt and offended than anything else. It was a reflex may have been triggered from a very very distant experience tho I'm not a psychologist.

I don't blame your wife reacting the way she did. It was very instinctual. I understand how it hurts you, but just know I believe many women would react the same way due to your pace and possible scowl after a fight. They may not all tell you they react that way to you, although they feel it.

In this world of pro-equality, not all things are created equal. Men are physically stronger than women, which tends to make us women more cautious around them out of instinct.

I remember there was a time my college male classmates got really butthurt about how all the women alone at night kept watching them on the streets, afraid they might do something. One day I was walking alone to my car after studying in the library and I spotted a male group coming near my path. I instinctly sped walked to my car, threw my bag in, and drove off immediately. Next thing I felt was them assaulting my car as I drove. They were a considerable distance away, last thing I knew.

Sometimes women have an instinct for the gut reaction fight or flight mechanisms for reasons even we logically believe is unlikely, until something bad happens. You feel silly for it, until you realize one day it was good to have those instincts even if they weren't warrented.

I don't blame your wife reacting the way she did. It was very instinctual. I understand how it hurts you, but just know I believe many women would react the same way due to your pace and possible scowl after a fight. They may not all tell you they react that way to you, although they feel it.

 

In this world of pro-equality, not all things are created equal. Men are physically stronger than women, which tends to make us women more cautious around them out of instinct.

 

I remember there was a time my college male classmates got really butthurt about how all the women alone at night kept watching them on the streets, afraid they might do something. One day I was walking alone to my car after studying in the library and I spotted a male group coming near my path. I instinctly sped walked to my car, threw my bag in, and drove off immediately. Next thing I felt was them assaulting my car as I drove. They were a considerable distance away, last thing I knew.

 

Sometimes women have an instinct for the gut reaction fight or flight mechanisms for reasons even we logically believe is unlikely, until something bad happens. You feel silly for it, until you realize one day it was good to have those instincts even if they weren't warrented.

So are you saying that you'd speed off in your car if you saw your husband walking down the street towards you in the dark?

So are you saying that you'd speed off in your car if you saw your husband walking down the street towards you in the dark?

No, but what is being said here is that women learn from childhood that men are stronger and that we need to be careful.

My husband has never and WOULD NEVER hit me. I know that. Intellectually I know that. But when we argue, even though he gives me NO reason to feel this way, I become nervous as soon as voices get raised. On occasion he has stepped towards me (very similar to what you described) and I winced or assumed a protective stance. Again, I didn't ever believe he would hit me, but the instinct - that flight or fight response is programmed into all women on some level.

I wouldn't take it too personally. Society teaches women to be wary of men to the point where we internalise it.

In any case I haven't spoken to her since yesterday. Not sure if I should. I don't want her to feel I'm pushy or anything. She hasn't called either so she may be freaked out still.

In any case I haven't spoken to her since yesterday. Not sure if I should. I don't want her to feel I'm pushy or anything. She hasn't called either so she may be freaked out still.

You live together, right? How could you not have spoken to her since yesterday? I could see you didn't call her from work - but wouldn't you have seen her when you got home??

You live together, right? How could you not have spoken to her since yesterday? I could see you didn't call her from work - but wouldn't you have seen her when you got home??

Like I mentioned earlier, I'm on an out of town trip for work. I'll be back Thursday night.

No, but what is being said here is that women learn from childhood that men are stronger and that we need to be careful.

 

My husband has never and WOULD NEVER hit me. I know that. Intellectually I know that. But when we argue, even though he gives me NO reason to feel this way, I become nervous as soon as voices get raised. On occasion he has stepped towards me (very similar to what you described) and I winced or assumed a protective stance. Again, I didn't ever believe he would hit me, but the instinct - that flight or fight response is programmed into all women on some level.

 

I wouldn't take it too personally. Society teaches women to be wary of men to the point where we internalise it.

I've never, ever approached her in a menacing way during an argument nor leaned over her in any sort of intimidating way. Ever. I didn't this time either.

you should call your wife if thats what you normally do on trips. ////

Perhaps it's a heads up that you two need help with communication skills.

Why does she "nag [you] to death"? Why is that a pattern or even a perception?

Why is "letting her stew" as you're about to leave town a part of your tactic?

Why is any 2-sided disagreement considered "ridiculous"?

Sounds like the current communication approach you two utilize escalates emotions and frustration. Your approaching for a kiss may have been out of sequence if you two has been having an intense argument. I'm all for resolving differences, or accepting them, and kissing to make up. But it sounds like you each get pushed to the edge (she anticipates a hit instead of an unexpected kiss, and you allude in your OP to leaving, never to return). Sounds like an anxiety-provoking, or ulcer-creating, situation.

Would you consider seeking marriage therapy, or some other resource, to build your relationship's communication tools?

P.S. I'm glad you've asked and not brushed it under the rug.

JourneyNow took the words out of my head.

Perhaps it's a heads up that you two need help with communication skills.

 

Why does she "nag [you] to death"? Why is that a pattern or even a perception?

 

Why is "letting her stew" as you're about to leave town a part of your tactic?

 

Why is any 2-sided disagreement considered "ridiculous"?

 

Sounds like the current communication approach you two utilize escalates emotions and frustration. Your approaching for a kiss may have been out of sequence if you two has been having an intense argument. I'm all for resolving differences, or accepting them, and kissing to make up. But it sounds like you each get pushed to the edge (she anticipates a hit instead of an unexpected kiss, and you allude in your OP to leaving, never to return). Sounds like an anxiety-provoking, or ulcer-creating, situation.

 

Would you consider seeking marriage therapy, or some other resource, to build your relationship's communication tools?

 

P.S. I'm glad you've asked and not brushed it under the rug.

Even if the above is 100% true or not true at all .. that should have nothing to do with the fact that she thought I was going to cause her physical harm. That seems to be a completely separate issue. I spoke to her today, and she seems OK, but she refuses to talk about it. I told her I needed some level of reassurance from her that she knows that I would never harm her. She said "that's what I need to hear". My reaction is "?". That should go without saying! I would no more hit her than she would punch our son in the face. It just isn't even in the realm of possibilities. Anyway she shut doen and said she doesn't want to talk about it because it upsets her.

I really don't get it. I don't know what to think at this point. I guess I have no choice but to drop it as she wishes .. but the whole thing still is going to bother me fro some time.