Insult From Friend

I need to know if I am being too reactionary to a comment made earlier today.

I met with a group of friends for lunch. After the lunch, we were all standing outside the restaurant saying our goodbyes. My one friend went in for a hug, and commented on how much weight i had lost - which I appreciated. He then went on to say that I was flat, and was motioning from the stomach to the chest. I was confused and asked what he meant. he stated that my chest was much flatter, and that I was like an Asian - I found this highly offensive, as I have many Asian friends. He is from Brazil. I told him what I thought of his comment, and that you never say something like this to a woman, and it was offensive. He made it out that I was making a big deal out of this situation, and that since we were friends, it was okay. I do not agree, and found it highly insulting, as you do not speak to people in this way - He is in his late 40's.

Thoughts?

Does he often say completely inappropriate things to people?

Not that I have heard. I have only met a couple of his friends. His husband says that he can say some outrageous stuff to his friends in Brazil. But, those things are tacky jokes. You don't joke around about something that someone cannot change.

I know him from a one-to-one English conversation program. He was my former student. He was never like this. Always very sweet. There have some changes in personality within the last year (going to school and getting a new job. making positive changes in his life). With this, he has not been quite the same friend.

Not appropriate. He should have stopped with the compliment.

But to go on further to infer about your breast size and make a racial generaliztion is just not ok.

Glad you checked him.

Not appropriate. He should have stopped with the compliment.

But to go on further to infer about your breast size and make a racial generaliztion is just no ok.

Glad you checked him.

Thanks.

Would you continue with the friendship?

Depends.

I get he didn't back down but maybe with some reflection he might see it differently?

Everyone's tolerance is different, Holly. This one's up to you.

Depends.

I get he didn't back down but maybe with some reflection he might see it differently?

Everyone's tolerance is different, Holly. This one's up to you.

He won't. He made me feel foolish that I was upset. He will not admit that he was wrong, and that I am blowing it out of proportion. He doesn't admit to fault.

While it was an inappropriate comment, if this is the only thing he has done I wouldn't just cut off the friendship. That is a little overdramatic. You said he was a good, nice guy besides this one incident and it doesn't really justify to not be friends anymore.

The more appropriate action would be to clearly state your boundaries and not let him minimize it. Tell him, I know you think it's not a big deal but do not say anything like that to me because it is offensive and not ok; to keep your comments to yourself next time. Overstepping boundaries on friendships do happen and some people value honesty over other people's feelings. Just make sure you get it clear you don't appreciate his honest word vomit.

While it was an inappropriate comment, if this is the only thing he has done I wouldn't just cut off the friendship. That is a little overdramatic. You said he was a good, nice guy besides this one incident and it doesn't really justify to not be friends anymore.

 

The more appropriate action would be to clearly state your boundaries and not let him minimize it. Tell him, I know you think it's not a big deal but do not say anything like that to me because it is offensive and not ok; to keep your comments to yourself next time. Overstepping boundaries on friendships do happen and some people value honesty over other people's feelings. Just make sure you get it clear you don't appreciate his honest word vomit.

Thank you, for your advice.

What if I state my position, again, and he still makes me feel foolish for feeling offended?

It's wasn't a big deal. People need to stop this crap of getting so butthurt over every single little stupid "offensive" comment. Everything offends everybody these days.

I'm offended by people who get offended.

It's wasn't a big deal. People need to stop this crap of getting so butthurt over every single little stupid "offensive" comment. Everything offends everybody these days.

 

I'm offended by people who get offended.

Something is wrong with you, if you cannot understand how someone would feel after receiving this comment.

Something is wrong with you, if you cannot understand how someone would feel after receiving this comment.

Whatever you say

I'm seriously not trying to be a jerk here.

I mean, if he was saying your chest was flat, then yes, that is a horrible thing to say to a lady.

But many Asian people are Buddhists and as a consequence, are vegetarians. They have a very healthy diet, highly respect their bodies, are totally in tune with nature and are generally in good physical shape. Many of the longest-living people in the world come from Asian countries. I'm thinking this is what he was getting at. Am I wrong?

I'm seriously not trying to be a jerk here.

 

I mean, if he was saying your chest was flat, then yes, that is a horrible thing to say to a lady.

 

But many Asian people are Buddhists and as a consequence, are vegetarians. They have a very healthy diet, highly respect their bodies, are totally in tune with nature and are generally in good physical shape. Many of the longest-living people in the world come from Asian countries. I'm thinking this is what he was getting at. Am I wrong?

He was saying my chest was flat. He then laughed hysterically, and said it was like a Chinese woman's chest. Nothing to do with diet, but their body type. There was no ambiguity.

He was saying my chest was flat. He then laughed hysterically and said it was like a Chinese woman's chest. Nothing to do with diet, but their body type. There was no ambiguity.

Haha....if I can be totally honest, your "seek therapy" comment in my thread really rubbed me the wrong way, which is why I snapped back at you lol. It felt a little condescending.

But I do agree...that was not a nice comment and people can't help how they look (including whole races of people). So yeah, that was totally wrong.

Don't ruin your friendship over this, but let him know that you were hurt by what he said. Some people are attracted to your particular body type, so don't let it mess with your confidence. Just don't delude yourself into thinking you're going to solve the whole racism thing one person at a time. People stereotype all the time and he's likely to get mad/annoyed if you press the issue. Every person is at a different stage of evolution and some people will just never change. The reality is, some people are more enlightened than others. The human race has a long way to go...

Holly, I think that he was rude to you and rude to the Chinese race by his stupid comment. It is not like he is a young punk. He needs to learn some manners.

I would distance myself from someone who behaved that way. chi

It was coming from a good place. If I had not moved on from someone in that frame of time, and it was affecting other relationships, I would want it addressed. There are always reasons we stay stuck, and may need help moving on.

This is my gay friend. Actually, I am comfortable with myself, but this was not meant in a loving way. This is what hurt. There are just some things you don't say - I am not going to tell him some dude that he has a small d$ck. That's insulting.

The Chinese comment was completely inappropriate. We live in NYC, and are amongst many Asians.

Holly, I think that he was rude to you and rude to the Chinese race by his stupid comment. It is not like he is a young punk. He needs to learn some manners.

I would distance myself from someone who behaved that way. chi

Thanks, Chi!

The Chinese comment was completely inappropriate. He has a close friend who is Korean. We live in NYC, and are amongst many Asians.

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and say you're a white woman. I am too, but I have many friends who are Asian. One thing I've noticed is that they consider racist remarks radically differently from what white people do. Part of the reason behind this, I have come to believe, is that we are cautioned as white people so strongly to avoid racist remarks that we are taught it's not okay to see racial differences. But guess what? Everyone does - particularly people who are part of minorities and don't have to censor their own thoughts for fear of being a prejudiced, privileged white person

When I walk through my uni campus with my Asian-Australian friend and talk about people we know, she will directly say things like, "Oh, the Asian one?". I'd never dream of describing a person I know based on their race because I've been taught that it's dangerous territory to "see" race. But for her, it's noticing facts. It's neither good nor bad, it just is. I have had a number of similar experiences with Asian friends - I live in Sydney and we have a large Asian/Indian population here

So, given all of that, I do think that you may be jumping the gun a bit. I respect that you want to be politically correct and have values to uphold, but not everyone sees the world the same way you do - and THAT is one of the biggest ways that racial/cultural differences affect people

I don't think you should reprimand him either. He's a grown man, and as you've said, it'll likely only end up reflecting badly on you because he doesn't see the insult in what he said (and hopefully from what I've just said, you can understand why he might not). Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I've spent a little time while travelling with people from Brazil and my understanding is they are a lot more relaxed about commenting on people's body types/features

That doesn't mean you have to like what he said. Just distance yourself and accept that this might actually be a cultural clash, and if it's not something you like because of the values you have, then you don't have to be close to him (though I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid him, either)

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and say you're a white woman. I am too, but I have many friends who are Asian. One thing I've noticed is that they consider racist remarks radically differently from what white people do. Part of the reason behind this, I have come to believe, is that we are cautioned as white people so strongly to avoid racist remarks that we are taught it's not okay to see racial differences. But guess what? Everyone does - particularly people who are part of minorities and don't have to censor their own thoughts for fear of being a prejudiced, privileged white person

 

When I walk through my uni campus with my Asian-Australian friend and talk about people we know, she will directly say things like, "Oh, the Asian one?". I'd never dream of describing a person I know based on their race because I've been taught that it's dangerous territory to "see" race. But for her, it's noticing facts. It's neither good nor bad, it just is. I have had a number of similar experiences with Asian friends - I live in Sydney and we have a large Asian/Indian population here

 

So, given all of that, I do think that you may be jumping the gun a bit. I respect that you want to be politically correct and have values to uphold, but not everyone sees the world the same way you do - and THAT is one of the biggest ways that racial/cultural differences affect people

 

I don't think you should reprimand him either. He's a grown man, and as you've said, it'll likely only end up reflecting badly on you because he doesn't see the insult in what he said (and hopefully from what I've just said, you can understand why he might not). Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I've spent a little time while travelling with people from Brazil and my understanding is they are a lot more relaxed about commenting on people's body types/features

 

That doesn't mean you have to like what he said. Just distance yourself and accept that this might actually be a cultural clash, and if it's not something you like because of the values you have, then you don't have to be close to him (though I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid him, either)

I am. I have friends of all different races and religions.

I've had a few other Brazilian friends, but they haven't been like this. Hmmm.

The thing is, is we don't see one another, unless we make specific plans. I am conflicted.

I was hurt by the comment, and by the response when I called him out on it. If someone had stated they were hurt by something I said, I would not make them feel like a fool. I would apologize.

I was hurt by the comment, and by the response when I called him out on it. If someone had stated they were hurt by something I said, I would not make them feel like a fool, I would apologize.

Bingo. And to me, it sounds more like the racial slur was merely incidental to the primary issue at hand, which was the fact that he failed to empathize/sympathize with you and what you were feeling. That sounds like it's the real issue.

But again, some people just don't think that way. You can't force someone to be considerate of your feelings. Some people just aren't wired that way. It could be that's just the way he is. And if that's really the case, you have to decide if you're willing to accept him for who he is...or not.

I am. I have friends of all different races and religions.

 

I've had a few other Brazilian friends, but they haven't been like this. Hmmm.

 

The thing is, is we don't see one another, unless we make specific plans. I am conflicted.

 

I was hurt by the comment, and by the response when I called him out on it. If someone had stated they were hurt by something I said, I would not make them feel like a fool, I would apologize.

Were you more hurt because he called you flat-chested, or because he came too close to being a prejudiced person and it doesn't jive with your values to be friends with a person like that?

I've had friendships end over less.

You don't need to make a quick decision, spend some time thinking about it from different perspectives and how it fits in with your value system

Also, on his unwillingness to accept blame for his comment - that would involve him accepting that what he did was morally wrong/potentially racist, and admitting that it was a racial slur when it may not have been so

Thank you, for your advice.

 

What if I state my position, again, and he still makes me feel foolish for feeling offended?

I wouldn't state it again out of nowhere, don't bring it up unless it is relevent and he is addressing this particular instance. You have made your stance clear. I doubt he will bring it up again, but my advice is for any friend that oversteps your boundaries. You let them know, and I don't think they mean to offend but they know now that they can't be on that level of openness to you so they watch what they say more.

If this friend repeatedly makes rude remarks, knowing how they make you feel, then perhaps distancing yourself would be a better option.

I remember I once had a friend who said he hates black people. I took offense, especially since my brother is black, and basically told him it wasn't ok he said that and stated it was ignorant. He still defended his position, but clearly knew I didn't like that kind of talk and didn't do it again. However, I wasn't good friends with this person (my much closer friends were, and he hosted parties with them) anyway so there was no problem in the future. He now knows better and, usually, that is enough for a person to change how they talk around you.

Were you more hurt because he called you flat-chested, or because he came too close to being a prejudiced person and it doesn't jive with your values to be friends with a person like that?

 

I've had friendships end over less.

 

You don't need to make a quick decision, spend some time thinking about it from different perspectives and how it fits in with your value system

I was equally offended by both. Both were insensitive and unnecessary. My oldest friend is Chinese, and the comment was very uncomfortable.

Bingo. And to me, it sounds more like the racial slur was merely incidental to the primary issue at hand, which was the fact that he failed to empathize/sympathize with you and what you were feeling. That sounds like it's the real issue.

 

But again, some people just don't think that way. You can't force someone to be considerate of your feelings. Some people just aren't wired that way. It could be that's just the way he is. And if that's really the case, you have to decide if you're willing to accept him for who he is...or not.

You are right!