Do I sound like I'm stringing her along? What should I do?

So I (24 YO) met this girl (19 YO) at work who I spoke to a few times, but didn't really think much of. We had a few conversations over the course of a month, and eventually she asked me for my number.

We have spent a lot of time talking, hanging out, going to movies, etc. and have been doing this for almost two months. For the past three weeks, we have also been getting sexual (haven't had sex yet, but done sexual things). She wants to have sex, though.

A few nights ago we were on the phone, and she asked me about one of my text messages in which I was giving her crap (jokingly) and mentioned the word "dating." She asked me what I meant about, "dating" and then mentioned that one of her friends asked her if I was talking about exclusiveness. I froze and just told her on the phone that there is nothing much to that text...and we moved on. The reason why she asked me about this text is because a few nights ago she told me that I am one of the hardest people to read...and that is when I asked her if she wants to know anything about me that I haven't told her, and that's when she asked me about the word "dating" which confused me.

I am just not sure if she is interested in a hookup, casual dating, or if she wants to be my girlfriend. I also feel like it's too early to talk about this.

*Here are the BIGGEST caveats in all of this*

We both work till 9, so we hang out from 9 to about 3 am and just walk everywhere together holding hands, and getting intimate.

She tells me about her friends, family, and stuff about her time at high school...and wants to know everything abour me.

I have MENTIONED to her almost on a daily basis that there is a 95% chance that I will leave the state for Medical School in about seven months. This does NOT seem to phase her AT all, which makes me question her intentions. I don't want to lead her on, but I don't really know what to do. She seems to encourage me to go to the top schools which are all far away, and seems to care about my general satisfaction. THIS IS WHAT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO FIGURE OUT!

The problem is that I have started caring about her

and want to be with her. I know it's not realistic if I move for Medical School. HOWEVER, there is a small chance that I could (0.01% chance) get an interview/acceptance in my hometown area. What should I do??!!

You sound very passive as a person and that means that you may end up in random situations just because someone one else made choices for you and you let them. This girl is interested in you so she is pursuing you. You on the other hand sound like you have no idea what YOU want. You need to grow a spine or you risk having other people making your choices for you. What if she gets pregnant? Your life paths don't seem to match. It sounds like you only wanted casual and don't have the foggiest idea what she wants or you are indeed stringing her along to keep the sex coming. She could also be trying to get with a future doctor in the same way and then the joke will be on you... Or she could genuinely like you. You need to straight up talk about your wishes and life goals and if these don't match you need to cut it out.

Fuzzy undefined situations may seem convenient but the aftermath can really lead one astray. You are already getting attached when you have no idea what each of you wants...that's asking for pain.

In your case, I believe a LDR wouldn't be realistic to sustain in this situation. She is 19 and while all of her friends are probably dating locally, she will be alone in her room messaging you. Either that or she will be going out to bars or other events where she will be meeting other hot guys who will be trying to pick her up and she might start to see them as attractive prospects because she is tired of seeing you only 1 to 4 times a year.

Medical school leaves you little time for anything else. It'd be a different story if you two had already been together many years and you had confidence that both of you could handle the long distance strain.

I'd suggest you have a discussion with her that you go back to being just colleagues because you can't see being able to handle a LDR and that's what will happen if you two continue. It's better to let it end now before you both get too close which will make it harder when you leave. Good luck in your new location. If you end up local, you might see if she's willing to date again, but I'd see how much time you have to pursue that before jumping in again.

You sound very passive as a person and that means that you may end up in random situations just because someone one else made choices for you and you let them. This girl is interested in you so she is pursuing you. You on the other hand sound like you have no idea what YOU want. You need to grow a spine or you risk having other people making your choices for you. What if she gets pregnant? Your life paths don't seem to match. It sounds like you only wanted casual and don't have the foggiest idea what she wants or you are indeed stringing her along to keep the sex coming. She could also be trying to get with a future doctor in the same way and then the joke will be on you... Or she could genuinely like you. You need to straight up talk about your wishes and life goals and if these don't match you need to cut it out.

 

Fuzzy undefined situations may seem convenient but the aftermath can really lead one astray. You are already getting attached when you have no idea what each of you wants...that's asking for pain.

I see what you mean. I did not realize how passive I was in this situation, because usually in most things (including past relationships), I have always been active and to the point, which is what attracts people to me. However, I merely was open to being her friend, until she started pursuing me. I liked it, but then I began to develop feelings for her. The big problem is that I most likely will be leaving, but I want to continue seeing her in case I get an acceptance at home.

In your case, I believe a LDR wouldn't be realistic to sustain in this situation. She is 19 and while all of her friends are probably dating locally, she will be alone in her room messaging you. Either that or she will be going out to bars or other events where she will be meeting other hot guys who will be trying to pick her up and she might start to see them as attractive prospects because she is tired of seeing you only 1 to 4 times a year.

 

Medical school leaves you little time for anything else. It'd be a different story if you two had already been together many years and you had confidence that both of you could handle the long distance strain.

 

I'd suggest you have a discussion with her that you go back to being just colleagues because you can't see being able to handle a LDR and that's what will happen if you two continue. It's better to let it end now before you both get too close which will make it harder when you leave. Good luck in your new location. If you end up local, you might see if she's willing to date again, but I'd see how much time you have to pursue that before jumping in again.

I don't plan on doing a LDR, simply because it's not fair for her, it's difficult, and I have been in one in the past which I called off. I want to keep seeing her in case (very small chance) I get an interview and acceptance at home, in which case I can be in a relationship with her. I don't want to kill the small chance, but I don't know if I shoukd bring it up right now or later. She leaves for a trip in 3 weeks for 12 days, then I get to see her, and then I leave for my Medical School interviews, and then I come back and we have ~5 months left.

I see what you mean. I did not realize how passive I was in this situation, because usually in most things (including past relationships), I have always been active and to the point, which is what attracts people to me. However, I merely was open to being her friend, until she started pursuing me. I liked it, but then I began to develop feelings for her. The big problem is that I most likely will be leaving, but I want to continue seeing her in case I get an acceptance at home.

I agree, you're being way too passive here. If you want to be with her, ask her.

To me, your post screams, I'm not going to own up to wanting a relationship with her until I know what she wants.

People are so afraid to take risks now a days. No risk, no reward, if you want to pursue something with her, tell her.

Even if I'm potentially leaving for Medical School in 7 months? It's not that I'm afraid to ask or want to know what she wants first, it's just that I don't want to be with her in a relationship and then leave. However, because there is a tiny chance I can remain here and attend Medical School at home, I don't want to stop seeing her. It is difficult either way, and it's driving me crazy.

Why don't you discuss the dilemma with her, exactly as you're telling us your thoughts and feelings? Being honest is the best route. She needs to know that you're not willing to do a LDR before she decides to move on with you. If you don't give her that info and she assumes otherwise, it's a selfish move on your part, and unkind. If you let her know all the options and that you're hoping you can stay local so that you can continue dating, then you're doing the right thing. She should be given the right to decide what's best for herself when you explain what's going on in your head about things.

I guess I'm just afraid that it's too soon to start getting serious and telling her these things. Right now we are having fun, enjoying each other, and I don't want to overwhelm her. I don't want to make it seem like I'm needy, but the time limit is making this harder than it needs to be.

Why don't you discuss the dilemma with her, exactly as you're telling us your thoughts and feelings? Being honest is the best route. She needs to know that you're not willing to do a LDR before she decides to move on with you. If you don't give her that info and she assumes otherwise, it's a selfish move on your part, and unkind. If you let her know all the options and that you're hoping you can stay local so that you can continue dating, then you're doing the right thing. She should be given the right to decide what's best for herself when you explain what's going on in your head about things.

I guess I'm just afraid that it's too soon to start getting serious and telling her these things. Right now we are having fun, enjoying each other, and I don't want to overwhelm her. I don't want to make it seem like I'm needy, but the time limit is making this harder than it needs to be.

I guess I'm just afraid that it's too soon to start getting serious and telling her these things. Right now we are having fun, enjoying each other, and I don't want to overwhelm her. I don't want to make it seem like I'm needy, but the time limit is making this harder than it needs to be.

If you are withholding that you are not willing to do an LDR, then you ARE stringing her along. How is letting her getting attached to you and then springing this on her better than "overwhelming" her? Imagine that it was the other way around. Wouldn't you want to know that the girl you are falling for is not willing to do an LDR????? What Andrina wrote to you is spot on. No ifs and buts.

I guess I'm just afraid that it's too soon to start getting serious and telling her these things. Right now we are having fun, enjoying each other, and I don't want to overwhelm her. I don't want to make it seem like I'm needy, but the time limit is making this harder than it needs to be.

The problem with this line of thinking is that she is becoming frustrated with you. That much is evident by her telling you that you are hard to read, coupled with your reaction to her asking you clarify "dating."

So while you think this is all great and fun and light, it's clearly starting to lose its lustre for her. She will lose interest if you don't step it up. If you don't want to step it up, be honest and bow out gracefully.

I am just not sure if she is interested in a hookup, casual dating, or if she wants to be my girlfriend. I also feel like it's too early to talk about this.

If she's asking questions about dating and exclusiveness, then it's not too soon to talk to her about this. She seems to want to know where you stand. So, tell her what you said here. The truth is the best. Then she has the ability to make an informed decision. Don't hoard power.

The big problem is that I most likely will be leaving, but I want to continue seeing her in case I get an acceptance at home.

The problem with this line of thinking is that she is becoming frustrated with you. That much is evident by her telling you that you are hard to read, coupled with your reaction to her asking you clarify "dating."

 

So while you think this is all great and fun and light, it's clearly starting to lose its lustre for her. She will lose interest if you don't step it up. If you don't want to step it up, be honest and bow out gracefully.

Honestly, I want to step it up with her. I want her to be my girlfriend. I'm just afraid of how she's going to react when I bring it up. She is leaving for a trip on the 28th of December for 12 days. Do you think it's best to bring it up soon, right before she leaves, or wait until she comes back?

If you are withholding that you are not willing to do an LDR, then you ARE stringing her along. How is letting her getting attached to you and then springing this on her better than "overwhelming" her? Imagine that it was the other way around. Wouldn't you want to know that the girl you are falling for is not willing to do an LDR????? What Andrina wrote to you is spot on. No ifs and buts.

Yeah I see what you mean. I feel terrible, but I want to be with her. I want to be her boyfriend.

If she's asking questions about dating and exclusiveness, then it's not too soon to talk to her about this. She seems to want to know where you stand. So, tell her what you said here. The truth is the best. Then she has the ability to make an informed decision. Don't hoard power.

Even if she didn't really ask about it directly, do you think it's still on her mind? (Meaning, that she didn't ask me directly where we stand) Sometimes I feel like I am the only one thinking these things, as dumb as it sounds.

Additionally, I think I'm going to bring it up. She's leaving for a 12 day trip on the 28th of December. Do you think I should bring it up soon, before she leaves, or wait until she returns?

You keep bringing up this trip..,,

Are you nervous about what will happen on the trip?

If so, I would not allow anxiety to force you to push for a relationship just to make sure she's not sharing her cookie with anyone.

Try open communication. It saves a lot of confusion. That may calm you a bit.

You keep bringing up this trip..,,

 

Are you nervous about what will happen on the trip?

 

If so, I would not allow anxiety to force you to push for a relationship just to make sure she's not sharing her cookie with anyone.

 

Try open communication. It saves a lot of confusion. That may calm you a bit.

I am NOT AT ALL nervous about her trip or what happens on it. I'm just wondering if it's a good idea to dump all of these feelings on her RIGHT before she goes on a trip where she's supposed to enjoy herself. I just don't know when it's a good idea to bring this stuff up. I want to eventually be in a relationship with her, because I know my feelings are real. A part of me does not want to show her the reality of what will happen when I leave for Medical School, because there is a chance (small one) that I can remain where I am for Medical School, at which point we can continue being together.

However, I cannot tell if she wants to be casual or if she is starting to have feelings for me. A few days ago, she suggested we go out on Saturday, which we did yesterday. We went and did activities all day long, and we both had a good time. She wants to know about me, and was frustrated because I am "not easy to read." I feel like she wants to be more than casual, but I don't know.

In terms of open communication, does that work with 19 year olds. Honestly, when I was 19...I feel that I was an idiot.

Even if she didn't really ask about it directly, do you think it's still on her mind? (Meaning, that she didn't ask me directly where we stand) Sometimes I feel like I am the only one thinking these things, as dumb as it sounds.

 

Additionally, I think I'm going to bring it up. She's leaving for a 12 day trip on the 28th of December. Do you think I should bring it up soon, before she leaves, or wait until she returns?

Yes, I think it was on her mind. I think her indirect questions were a means of tactfully broaching the subject with you. You might as well bring it up before she leaves. That way, you can both think about it in an independent environment. Is there a benefit to waiting?

In terms of open communication, does that work with 19 year olds. Honestly, when I was 19...I feel that I was an idiot.

Now you have me worried. Why are you dating a 19 year old if you think 19 year olds are idiots, or incapable of open communication?

Yes, I think it was on her mind. I think her indirect questions were a means of tactfully broaching the subject with you. You might as well bring it up before she leaves. That way, you can both think about it in an independent environment. Is there a benefit to waiting?

 

 

 

Now you have me worried. Why are you dating a 19 year old if you think 19 year olds are idiots, or incapable of open communication?

The first benefit to waiting in my opinion was so that she could enjoy her trip without having our dilemma in her mind. The second benefit was to salvage what we have right now, which we seem to both be enjoying.

In terms of me thinking 19 year olds are idiots...I don't. I just thought I was an idiot, because I was very immature. Compared to how I was, she is MUCH more mature. I'm just trying to gauge whether she is trying to just have fun, or is getting invested. I'm not one to get invested and I have let many potential relationships go because of my lack of investment. This girl hit all the right spots, which is what got me.

I am NOT AT ALL nervous about her trip or what happens on it. I'm just wondering if it's a good idea to dump all of these feelings on her RIGHT before she goes on a trip where she's supposed to enjoy herself. I just don't know when it's a good idea to bring this stuff up. I want to eventually be in a relationship with her, because I know my feelings are real. A part of me does not want to show her the reality of what will happen when I leave for Medical School, because there is a chance (small one) that I can remain where I am for Medical School, at which point we can continue being together.

 

However, I cannot tell if she wants to be casual or if she is starting to have feelings for me. A few days ago, she suggested we go out on Saturday, which we did yesterday. We went and did activities all day long, and we both had a good time. She wants to know about me, and was frustrated because I am "not easy to read." I feel like she wants to be more than casual, but I don't know.

 

In terms of open communication, does that work with 19 year olds. Honestly, when I was 19...I feel that I was an idiot.

Apologies, I'm just having a hard time sifting through what you're writing to figure out what it is exactly youre asking.

So you want to have the talk but not before her trip but maybe before her trip and you want her to be your girlfriend if she wants a relationship, but you don't want long distance, but you want something serious, but you're leaving so you don't want to lead her on, but you might stay, and you want to discuss things but you don't because she's young...

Am I following?

Apologies, I'm just having a hard time sifting through what you're writing to figure out what it is exactly youre asking.

 

So you want to have the talk but not before her trip but maybe before her trip and you want her to be your girlfriend if she wants a relationship, but you don't want long distance, but you want something serious, but you're leaving so you don't want to lead her on, but you might stay, and you want to discuss things but you don't because she's young...

 

Am I following?

I'm sorry if I seem all over the place. That's how my mind is right now.

1. I want to have the talk because she has wanted me to open up to her, as she hinted multiple times.

2. Not sure if I want to do it before her trip, because I don't want to ruin the trip for her.

3. Kinda want to do it before the trip, because I am going crazy speculating if she has feelings for me, or if she just wants a fling.

4. I want a relationship with her because I have feelings for her, and I want to be with her...no BS.

5. I don't want to do a LDR, because it won't be fair for her, and she should be able to enjoy her young days. Also, I have been through a tough LDR.

6. I want her to be with me in case I do stay for Medical School, because there's a chance.

I think you mostly got it.

Jayvard, I think once you straighten out the contradictions in your reasoning, your anxiety level over simple issues like this will diminish greatly, if not disappear altogether.

Jayvard, I think once you straighten out the contradictions in your reasoning, your anxiety level over simple issues like this will diminish greatly, if not disappear altogether.

I think you're right

So I (24, M) have been seeing a girl (19) for almost two months now. We work at the same place and she asked me for my number to start it off.

We have gone on several movie dates, hikes, and spend time together at night almost every time we both work. We have gotten very physical (attempted sex, but failed) over the past few weeks.

When she first started spending time with me, she questioned a lot of things I said, and said it was hard for her to believe things, even though she BARELY knew me. That was one thing that stood out to me. She also has said several times that unlike most people she knows, I am VERY hard to read, and if I'm trying to be mysterious, I should stop. I tokd her that it takes me time to open up, and I really need to trust her. She said she understood.

Then a few weeks later, I jokingly was giving her crap via text about, "How it was weird for her to tell the guy she's dating that she's weird." She sent this message to her friends to see what they thought I meant (whether I was talking about exclusivity or not). She then brought up the text to me while we were on a phone call, and asked what I meant about "dating." I froze and studdered, and she then told me, "Oh no. I self-sabotaged this." I told her it was no big deal, and not to worry about it.

What is going on?