Parents trying to dictate dating life

I’m nearing 40 now, and my parents are driving me nuts. The last three girls I was in LTRs with, my parents hated. Granted, they had their reasons but those girls were special to me. My folks didn’t seem to care and were rude or mean to them, which caused a lot of issues in those relationships - things like not even speaking to them and walking away when my gfs would talk to them, to my parents banning them from family events. I never faulted them because everyone feels how they feel and I never broke up with them because of how my parents felt (moreso because the GIRL was more obsessed with how they felt, despite me still there by her side) but it was the cause of a lot of fights.

Now that I’m single, my parents keep telling me “I wish you could find someone/have you tried such and such dating site” and it makes my blood boil. I want so badly to tell them that I HAD someone but they had to make it difficult, and that they have zero say in my dating life and to butt out, since no matter who I pick they have a problem with. They’ve said “you can date someone just don’t bring them home to us for a year or two” and IMO it’s insane - what girl would be fine with a guy they’ve been dating a year and won’t introduce them to his parents by that point?

I meet girls I like and I think to myself “they’re never going to go for me not introducing them to my family for a year” or “when I do introduce them, my family will find something they don’t like and the girl will attack ME with them not liking her, like the others did”. I feel like I’m going to be single forever.

By that age I wouldn't care if I met their parents.

By that age I wouldn't care if I met their parents.

lol, same here.

Maybe the problem here is that you don't stand up for these women -- the minute your parents behave badly you let them know it and you no longer expect the women to have anything to do with them until your parents behave better. And if you really, really liked a woman -- wanted to get married and have children-- you should have put her first. They are your parents, they are entitled to their opinions, they are NOT entitled to to meddle and to try to control you. You are nearly 40, grow up or marry someone they pick out. What you are doing is not working.

Maybe the problem here is that you don't stand up for these women -- the minute your parents behave badly you let them know it and you no longer expect the women to have anything to do with them until your parents behave better. And if you really, really liked a woman -- wanted to get married and have children-- you should have put her first. They are your parents, they are entitled to their opinions, they are NOT entitled to to meddle and to try to control you. You are nearly 40, grow up or marry someone they pick out. What you are doing is not working.

I don’t think you get it - The GIRLS have been the ones obsessed with what my parents think - I had spent less time at family functions on holidays and dropped in for an hour or two to see family who DID like them and then afterwards left and spent the vast majority of those holidays with the girls and their families. I’ve told my parents that the girl is special to me and to treat her like a human being and they simply say “I don’t care”.

I would even tell the girls - at times they WERE invited - to stay away from my parents but they’d just go to it and try to “make” them like her. And they’d be let down and it would be an argument again because I wasn’t doing enough to make them like her.

lol, same here.

My reasoning is by 40 most people's parents are 60s 70s even in the 80s . Exactly how much time are they spending in my life probably not a lot . At 40 I wouldnt be having kids anyway so again not a lot of the other family's involvement .

I don’t think you get it - The GIRLS have been the ones obsessed with what my parents think - I had spent less time at family functions on holidays and dropped in for an hour or two to see family who DID like them and then afterwards left and spent the vast majority of those holidays with the girls and their families. I’ve told my parents that the girl is special to me and to treat her like a human being and they simply say “I don’t care”.

 

I would even tell the girls - at times they WERE invited - to stay away from my parents but they’d just go to it and try to “make” them like her. And they’d be let down and it would be an argument again because I wasn’t doing enough to make them like her.

I think when you find someone special again, you should tell them early on how they are.

Then they won't take it personally. It might make your parents look undesirable, but it

shouldn't matter. Or, when you're serious, tell them if they don't accept whom you are dating,

then you won't be around for holidays. They have no right to run everyone out of your life.

It's your happiness, your relationship. One day they will be dead and gone, and you will still

be alone because they chose not to accept anyone? Heck no. Don't allow that.

I personally would be thrilled not to have to deal with family. Too much drama

My reasoning is by 40 most people's parents are 60s 70s even in the 80s . Exactly how much time are they spending in my life probably not a lot . At 40 I wouldnt be having kids anyway so again not a lot of the other family's involvement .

Agreed. I feel the same way. As you get older, it just doesn't seem to matter so much anymore. When you're young it all seems so much more angst ridden, lol. If the parents want to see me, fine. If not, no matter. He can visit his parents without me if they don't like me. As long as I don't have to live with them, it's all good, lol.

I think when you find someone special again, you should tell them early on how they are.

Then they won't take it personally. It might make your parents look undesirable, but it

shouldn't matter. Or, when you're serious, tell them if they don't accept whom you are dating,

then you won't be around for holidays. They have no right to run everyone out of your life.

It's your happiness, your relationship. One day they will be dead and gone, and you will still

be alone because they chose not to accept anyone? Heck no. Don't allow that.

I personally would be thrilled not to have to deal with family. Too much drama

 

Ok but here’s where the dilemma lies - if it’s just my parents and brother or whatever that don’t like her, I feel like I’m punishing aunts, uncles and cousins who would be there and who do like her. I’d have no issue not showing up at all but I don’t want to be a jerk to family who has stood by me. If that makes sense.

This still doesn't make sense. First of all, they are not GIRLS they are women -- if you are dating girls that is a whole lot of of other problems. Second, if this is how they always act, why do you not WARN the women that this how they ALWAYS act? It seems like you spring it on them and then are surprised that they are upset that potential in-laws are nasty and badly behaved. Why bring them around at all until you are engaged, at which time your intended should have heard ALL about them and you had better have told your parents that this is your plan, this is your woman, and if they don't like it they can just not see the two of you together or any potential children, etc.

Agreed. I feel the same way. As you get older, it just doesn't seem to matter so much anymore. When you're young it all seems so much more angst ridden, lol. If the parents want to see me, fine. If not, no matter. He can visit his parents without me if they don't like me. As long as I don't have to live with them, it's all good, lol.

Absolutely ! I would even love to ditch the Inlaw family I have!

Agreed. I feel the same way. As you get older, it just doesn't seem to matter so much anymore. When you're young it all seems so much more angst ridden, lol. If the parents want to see me, fine. If not, no matter. He can visit his parents without me if they don't like me. As long as I don't have to live with them, it's all good, lol.

That’s how I’ve always felt. I was never ALWAYS liked by every gf’s family members - I’d just steer clear of them. The person I’m with is what matters

Absolutely ! I would even love to ditch the Inlaw family I have!

I've never had in-law problems because I (unfortunately) never met them.

OP, just explain the situation to any future girlfriend. She doesn't HAVE TO be accepted by them to be happy with you. If she's mature enough she should understand that.

Thanks guys. I hope the next one understands and isn’t so wrapped up in what THEY think.

How about when people like my mom tell me who to date or what site to look for dates? I keep telling them I don’t want to hear it (again, if they don’t accept anyone I choose, they DEFINITELY have no say in how I should do things) and they keep going for it.

The last three girls I was in LTRs with, my parents hated. Granted, they had their reasons but those girls were special to me.

what were "their reasons?"

I think that you can also mitigate the problem and when women ask "do they like me?" don't get into "well, mom is just not sure about you yet"

Are you fueling this insecurity in them somehow? Maybe being a bit less detailed and be more proactive "that was very thoughtful to bring that bottle of wine over to my parents. They really like that brand" vs focusing on pressing your parents to find out if they are totally in love with her or not.

I mean, one woman, i can see where things fell apart because she was concerned if she was liked and pushed too much, but more than one its a pattern...

Don't spend so much time with them. We see our parents once every couple months .

Thanks guys. I hope the next one understands and isn’t so wrapped up in what THEY think.

 

How about when people like my mom tell me who to date or what site to look for dates? I keep telling them I don’t want to hear it (again, if they don’t accept anyone I choose, they DEFINITELY have no say in how I should do things) and they keep going for it.

I'd be sarcastic and say "thanks, I'll be sure to get right on that!"

you'll leave them dumbfounded.

Don't spend so much time with them. We see our parents once every couple months .

I don't think he should stop seeing his parents. It may make it worse because they will "save it all up" and unload it that every couple months. So that when he does date someone again it doesn't appear that he is dropping them for a girlfriend. **********************

I don't think he should stop seeing his parents. It may make it worse because they will "save it all up" and unload it that every couple months. So that when he does date someone again it doesn't appear that he is dropping them for a girlfriend. **********************

From what I remember he has Sunday dinner with them every week that's a bit much for this age.

Ok but here’s where the dilemma lies - if it’s just my parents and brother or whatever that don’t like her, I feel like I’m punishing aunts, uncles and cousins who would be there and who do like her. I’d have no issue not showing up at all but I don’t want to be a jerk to family who has stood by me. If that makes sense.

Then you'll need a partner with a strong backbone that can take being insulted.

I suppose you could show up and stay by her side the entire time, but then that's an issue too.

You'll be on edge even more. I'd arrange to see those nice family members separate from the disrespectful ones.

I hate drama though. I have no tolerance for meaningless rude people in life. I cut them out, including family.

Since you won't, Then like I said, warn her soon in the relationship.

Doesn't matter how old we get, we always love who our family dislikes!

The last three girls I was in LTRs with, my parents hated. Granted, they had their reasons but those girls were special to me.

 

what were "their reasons?"

 

I think that you can also mitigate the problem and when women ask "do they like me?" don't get into "well, mom is just not sure about you yet"

Are you fueling this insecurity in them somehow? Maybe being a bit less detailed and be more proactive "that was very thoughtful to bring that bottle of wine over to my parents. They really like that brand" vs focusing on pressing your parents to find out if they are totally in love with her or not.

 

I mean, one woman, i can see where things fell apart because she was concerned if she was liked and pushed too much, but more than one its a pattern...

Reasons ranged from “she’s a waitress and hasn’t gone to college” to “she’s filed for divorce but the ink isn’t dry”.

From what I remember he has Sunday dinner with them every week that's a bit much for this age.

I really don’t think that’s a lot. My brother is married and sees them maybe four times a year, but they’re on my way home from work every day so once a week isn’t bad. And if I ever have something else going on I don’t see them that week.

Heck, my parents brought us to our grandparents house every weekend.

I'm 25 and yeah, my mum dictates who to pick up since I was 15....... And tbh I am reaching my limits of patience, until the point that I possibly will cut ties completely with her, harsh, but sometimes is the only way.

I really don’t think that’s a lot. My brother is married and sees them maybe four times a year, but they’re on my way home from work every day so once a week isn’t bad. And if I ever have something else going on I don’t see them that week.

 

Heck, my parents brought us to our grandparents house every weekend.

To me that is waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much considering .

I don't know about anyone else but if my parents were that disrespectful to anyone I deemed fit to date I wouldn't be seeing my parents until they treated them respectfully.

I wouldn't think twice about seeing other family members with my girlfriend. Aunts, uncles, cousins, or whoever, my parents don't get to decide what family I see either.

My parents are more than welcome to tell me in private their opinions of my girlfriend. Even then, once their opinion is established I don't need to hear it repeatedly.

Stand up for anyone you love. I wouldn't even bring a woman around them until you do.