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Thread: Who do I choose?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2017

    Who do I choose?

    First, a little background.
    I dated (N) for 3 years, the relationship was fantastic, but it failed because I have always been told I can't have children & he was desperate for a family. Also, we both had high-pressure jobs and were spending less and less time together. I said I wanted to leave because I felt neglected. He proposed, but I couldn't marry him knowing he would be unhappy. We split 4 years ago.
    Since then, I have been rather naughty. Whenever one of us has been having a hard time or felt depressed, we have ended up spending the night together. This has happened about 10 times in 4 years. Neither of us have dated anyone else.

    In August of this year, I finally felt like I wanted to move on & let a friend set me up on a date. I met and instantly fell in love with a wonderful man (S). He is everything I ever wanted & our relationship has moved quickly.

    However, only a few weeks into our relationship, I was in a car accident & when being checked over at the hospital, they told me I was pregnant. The baby is most definatly my exs - who I was with about 2 weeks before I met (S).

    (N) very obviously wants me and the baby back in his life. Whatever happens I want (N) to be part of this babys life.
    However, (S) has rather shockingly offered to stay with me. I didn't believe him at first, but he wants to stay with me & help me raise the baby. And he seems to mean it, I am currently 5months gone & am having a very rough time (hyper-emersis & problems with my placenta that mean I am in & out of hospital) despite me ending/putting our relationship on hold, he has continued to spend time with me, help me with everything & be my emotional rock.
    (N) is also very involved, and most surprisingly has taken a lot of time off work (it is unheard of!!!) to sit with me in hospital everytime I end up back there.

    Basically, I need advice as to how to proceed. I have deep feelings for both these men.
    Do I lose (S) and try to make a family work with (N) and the baby?
    Or do I stay with (S) and just co-parent with (N)?
    Either way I fear hurting one of them!!
    (S) is new love, but seems committed.
    (N) is former love, but has so far seemed to have changed for the better for the baby.


  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Boston, MA
    Well, I wouldn't have advised you telling N about being pregnant. But since you did, I would stay with S for a real relationship and possible marriage and let N be the biological father, but not be the boyfriend. I think N had his chance, and he made the decision to break up with you. If he had stayed with you, he would have had both you and the baby. S wants both of you and is showing he's a stand-up guy to want to raise another man's baby. I don't think you'd be hurting N, since he wanted a child more than wanting you. Now he has that.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Originally Posted by DanZee
    I don't think you'd be hurting N, since he wanted a child more than wanting you. Now he has that.
    Excellent point. Although, I do believe the decision to tell N about his own baby was a good one, for obvious reasons. He is the biological father and should know, whether you're in good standing with him or not. Also good in a legal standpoint.

    Considering you have relatively recently slept with your ex and S is a new relationship, I would perhaps try to keep S on strict dating terms for now; be casual. You don't know him yet and you are still involved with your ex. You definitely do still have feelings for N, which is unfair to have if you say you're going to commit to S. Take this new dating very slow. You will be a mom, you should just focus on that first. These men will need to be in the background for now, and of course tell both of them this.

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