Do I believe this? what to do

Hello

I have recently met a man from online. I am 42, he is 48. We talked for a few weeks online and on the phone and then we met in person a little over two weeks ago. Our first date was amazing, which we already knew it was going to be. That was on a wednesday, and we then spent the weekend together, with me going home to sleep as I have teenagers.

He comes to see me everyday at lunch, and we see each other most evenings, but have had to skip a couple here and there. He had his children last weekend and I went over to meet them, and we celebrated his daughter's birthday on sunday . I brought my niece and daughter, and then on monday I went over and he and I celebrated his birthday with his children. I took the day off work on tuesday to spend his actual birthday with him alone.

I received an email this morning warning me of new partner. They said I should " slow down" as this is all typical behaviour. " I'm sure that by now you've met the kids, see him every day, and you are feeling quite important in his life. I am guessing this because I went through the same thing. I know now it's called love bombing........read up on it."

The letter also said that they had seen each other yesterday morning. I was out of town yesterday. I don't know. I work every day, so they could have randomly chosen a day I suppose. They also told me they spent tuesday evening with him of his birthday and that they met up around 930. I was home by that point.

They told me to watch his guy nights, and to watch a pattern of tuesday and friday evenings. I have only known him two friday's, and we have spent them together so far, and have plans to spend tonight together.

The letter stated they had no malicious intent, but that he was already telling this person that I am just " a friend". And to watch his phone and texts and see " how many friends" he has. It also went on to tell me that while she believes he is probably faithful at this point, to just be aware as to why he keeps so many female friends around, that the shiny new ness will wear off. She also stated that she called him out on dating me and will not be seeing him again out of respect to me.

She knew so many details about him. She told me she became aware of me when he told he no longer needed her support in family court last week. He did have a custody hearing. She told me to watch and see how many exes he referred to as " crazy". He only has one so far, but the behaviours were extreme.

I don't know. I'm torn as to why she would write this if he is faithful. She also said in the letter that he referred to me as " simple and that's why I like her she doesn't ask questions, no drama" . She ended the letter by telling me she just thought I should keep my eyes open, but that she wished the relastionship the best, and if I had any questions or needed to talk down the road to feel free to contact her.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

It sounds like she is trying to sabotage your relationship. Is this an ex or current gf?

This part is very true, however 6919640]I received an email this morning warning me of new partner. They said I should " slow down" as this is all typical behaviour. " I'm sure that by now you've met the kids, see him every day, and you are feeling quite important in his life. I am guessing this because I went through the same thing. I know now it's called love bombing........read up on it."

so if she is just trying to sabotage, I let it go? He says he's never met her, so it's one of his exes just making up a fake account.

Either way, Slow Down!! Of course he knows who she is if she has this many detailed accounts of who he is, where he is and when...and how he operates.

He says he's never met her, so it's one of his exes just making up a fake account.

Sounds like an unhinged and vindictive ex of his. It's actually not surprising he'd accrue a few if he's the type to immediately spend every lunch and evening together, and then introduce a lady to his kids barely a month in. Not saying that you are necessarily unstable, but someone with a healthy dating life isn't going to find that level of attention and immersion endearing so soon into things.

She doesn't wish your "relationship" the best. She may have dressed it up, but it was still a clear effort to sabotage. And, to be honest, one thing she is right about is all this being much, much too soon, especially with the kids. Forget the whole policing his phone contacts and "watching" his guys nights, but do slow waaaaaaay down. I have a feeling neither he nor you would be game for that, though.

We had a discussion about it moving quickly, we both agree we are comfortable with it due to our ages and having a genuine connection. When the shoe fits it fits. She also just sent another email and told me to ask him about cheating on his last ex by taking his kids to a strangers house for the night, about hurting a dog, and threatening suicide in front of his children.

She said this is all coming from a place of sincerity because he comes across as a nice guy who just has some crazy exes and that he is already messaging her today asking her to not be upset and please still be friends.

She told me to ask about the court case he had and how he made up a lie to police when his most recent ex caught him cheating. There is a peace bond in place, I am aware of this, but he told me it was a fight that escalated and they agreed to the peace bond before the court hearing because he didn't want her to go to jail. He said the pictures were just accidentally sent to him from a female friend in google drive when she was trying to send him pictures of her new home.

I don't know...my gut instinct tells me this is all designed to run away, which I have no intentions of doing. He is the nicest man I have ever met, and yes he has had a string of bad luck, but I 'm not going to give up on finding a good mate just because someone is being dramatic and stirring the pot.

It's worth wondering who she is and if there is any truth to it. Yes on one hand she could be trying to sabatoge but on the other, she might be telling you the truth.

How does she know about you? He mist have fed her information otherwise she wouldn't know so much. She also gave you times of them being together when you were not around, she couldn't have guessed those times.

I personally would listen to what she has to say and be very careful. I doubt she is lying about everything.

A string of bad luck....hmmmmmm. He chose these people in his life, he wanted them, you need to keep it in perspective. I know it's easy to see past it all with rose colored glasses on, but you need to be careful.

It sounds like trouble finds him a lot.

Two things are going on here. I agree with her trying to sabotage your relationship. Its hard to say whether or not she's telling the truth

But that aside, I do agree with the love bombing. . on both your parts. `Insta relationships' often set the scene for dramatic relationship beginnings, as you are

learning now.

Had you taken your time and not mixed the children into everything and taken the time to get to know him you might have found out if he's a suitable and reliable partner on your

own with out the benefit of a mysterious letter. You also would have known him well enough to decide whether or not the letter has any merit.

Step back and slow down. If not for yourself, do so for your kids.

OP, just looking at the speed and intensity with which you are moving....no, it's not because of your age and connection, it's simply unhealthy and way over the top. It's very much the opposite of maturity and life experience because life experience should have taught you that when someone pushes so fast, when something is a bit too good to be true....it's because it is. It's only been two weeks, you know less than jack about him and you are already bringing your children into this.....yikes......

Yes, do look up love bombing, not because of some woman, but because you really will find out the hard and painful way that this "connection" is not as real or as great as you think. You wouldn't be the first woman to get totally effed up by a psycho and then you'll be back here in year or so asking how to leave, but you loooove him, but he is cheating on you, abusing you, etc. Abusers come on hot, hard, and fast and monopolize your time and make you feel like instant long term relationship. So do narcissists, bpd, bipolar, etc., etc., etc. They all have one thing in common - immense pace and a charisma to make you feel like you are the chosen one, the most amazing person ever and once they have you in love and locked in, their other side comes out....

Cool your jets OP and take a big long step back and rethink how is it that you don't see his pace as a red flag the size of China.

I did read up on love bombing. I don't think it quite applies? As I am more than willing to spend time with him, and in fact, a couple of times I have invited him over and he has not been able to come. So it's not like we are together 24/7 literally. My kids are 15 and 17 so they are independent, but I do make sure I spend part of the evening home with them and also, a couple of nights I have been tied up with them.

And also, it's not love bombing when it comes from a genuine place is it? I can also equally find articles about people who knew it was right from the beginning.

Also, we have our lunch together because he was recently laid off. I do not expect that to continue when he finds a new job.

I did read up on love bombing. I don't think it quite applies? As I am more than willing to spend time with him, and in fact, a couple of times I have invited him over and he has not been able to come. So it's not like we are together 24/7 literally. My kids are 15 and 17 so they are independent, but I do make sure I spend part of the evening home with them and also, a couple of nights I have been tied up with them.

 

And also, it's not love bombing when it comes from a genuine place is it? I can also equally find articles about people who knew it was right from the beginning.

Have you two discussed exclusivity and commitment?

of course we have. We are exclusive and in this for the forseeable future.

why would you ask that?

Fingers crossed for all children involved.

Yes, pay attention to the love-bombing for sure. Whether or not you believe what's in the email is up to you.

If it were me, I'd probably just be up-front and ask the guy about it.

I did. he said it was just a jealous ex trying to sabotage things.

I don't know. She also mentioned the vehicle I am letting him use. He is going through bankruptcy and has to sell his car. He is keeping his vintage car as his protected car so I have an older vehicle I couldn't get running and he is fixing it up to save me mechanic bills and he will use it in the meantime.

I have no idea why she is obsessed with all of this.

She is telling the truth about him that you are too starry eyed to see at this early stage. Does this make sense to you, driving your car in such a short time so he can keep his beloved toy? vehicle I am letting him use. He is going through bankruptcy and has to sell his car. He is keeping his vintage car

The car was just sitting in my yard and not being used, I drive something else. This way it gets running again and he can use it for a month or two and then my children will. The other car has sentimental value to him, it belonged to his father.

I am getting free labour in exchange for him using it.

I would definitely not dismiss what the woman said, there are men out there who act exactly like she claims this one does, I dated one recently. And if I was the type, that is exactly the kind of message I would send his current woman.

I think it would have been better not to confront him with what you were told, because if it's true, you basically gave him the heads up to be more careful and hide things better, which means it will take longer for you to see the real him. It would have been better if you stored all the info somewhere at the back of your mind, and watched his behavior. If you recognized the pattern the woman talked about, you would have known she was telling the truth.

Now it's much trickier to tell what's going on. I would say just drop it, don't mention it to him anymore, but look out for suspicious behavior and do not just "forget" about the emails and dismiss them as just a crazy ex wanting to sabotage your relationship, because it might very well be a woman just like you, who is fed up of seeing this man getting away with pretty much anything.

Tread carefully.

Can't sometimes people just meet and fall for each other quickly? His wife left him three years ago. He then started datiing another woman with whom there was tremendous drama , fights with him, fights with the ex wife and constant making up and breaking up. He then met another woman and dated her for a month and remained friends, and then met the last crazy jealous one and they only dated for a month. He did tell me he spent the summer with the ex gf but they did not get back togehter.

Don't people date in between relationships? Another thing the letter mentioned was the fact he can't be alone. But everyone is looking for someone, really.

Agree with Greta. This is exactly what he wants you to believe 96;6920009]dismiss them as just a crazy ex wanting to sabotage your relationship This "crazy woman" seems to have your back more than he does. Also there are glaring red flags such as bankruptcy, too much too soon,cruelty to animals, threatening suicide in front of his kids and a peace bond. Try to look at the facts and early warning signs. Although I would normally never recommend it, you may want to engage in a dialogue with this email sender to assess for yourself what is fact from fiction and that there are two sides to every story when there are already so many red flags.

The cruelty to animals, he explained as it being a small dog that he tossed over the deck to pee. He admitted he was angry at the time, but the dog was fine. He said she drug it forever and later on, when the dog had a broken leg, she blamed him.

The peace bond came from an argument the night his ex found the pictures on his phone. A female friend had sent him photos of her new home, and it was on google drive so she mistakenly sent some photos the other woman had on her computer. His crazy ex lost it, the police showed up. He said his ex held a knife up, but she wasn't going to hurt him, so before court they agreed to a peace bond. She says he called the police because she finally went through his phone after him hiding it all for so long.

I know we can get involved in toxic relationships, especially post divorce. They were all wrong for each other, and as he has told me , they brought out the worst in each other. He kept in communication with her, and the two brief relationships he had had major issues with her , and it drove him crazy. Too much drama. It is over.

Since meeting me, he has gotten over the crazy ex . They only speak on occasion, and he has told me he didn't block her due to fear of repurcussions.

A lot of the drama was just the crazy ex. As I said before, the custody hearing was due to the fact that his ex wife hated the new gf. The new gf had spanked one of the children, but it was open handed and just a swat to move her along. There was a lot of drama between the two women, the ex gf accused the ex wives new partner of sexually abusing the children and SD got involved. He says he made the call, but it was because his ex gf convinced him to.

Of course, the ex wife hates that gf. But that was then and this is now. I am not like that, and I am not in this to cause drama.

The two flings could not handle real life and as he explained it, they would get furious over things, especially the most recent jealous one. He told me she has mental health issues, and would argue all the time. She had major problems with the ex gf and wouldn't drop it. If I were to guess, I would say it's her trying to stir things up because he was dating her, and they continued to spend time together until he met me. He says he ended it a month before he met me ( which would explain the timing where we met online) but she still calls every day. They chat for a short while, and she still texts him. She is having a hard time letting go. She also critisizes things he does. I overheard a conversation between them yesterday where she started laughing and said " just let me know when you want me to plan a wedding". This was because he had told her I had lent him a car.

He told me she doesn't even own a vehicle, so I think the fact that she is upset over me loaning him a vehicle is that she is jealous.

Also, he did not introduce the most recent fling to his children. She is aware I have met the children, so my guess is that she took it pretty hard , because that speaks volumes about her as a person, if he felt she wasn't good enough for his kids.

and also, the bankruptcy.....financial issues I don't believe are a reason to leave someone. We can all fall on hard times. He owns his own house, obviously he hasn't always been in this position.

I know his crazy ex moved in with him and did not contribute to bills, and he has told me his ex wife didn't either. I am a fully employed single mother and capable of paying bills and my share, should we move in together down the line.

And also, he had done the most recent jealous ex a favour by giving her a ride somehwere's thursday morning ( the day I was out of town) so she would know I was out of town to make that up about thursday. And when I spoke to him, he pointed out that she has full knowledge of his tuesday evening hang outs with male friends.

When is he with me, he never answers the phone or texts from his female friends. If he was trying to maintain something with them, then he would do so. We are together all the time, so the jealous fling and the crazy ex will get tired eventually.

He also mentioned that the jealous fling got really angry when she found out about me. He had mistakenly texted her thinking it was me, and she had asked if he felt like cooking her supper when he got off work. He had replied " that's no way to start a relationship, but we can do dinner and I know just the place". He showed me the texts last night.

She was furious. She replied that he had been using her to fill a void in between relationships and that he had lied and told her he wasn't looking for a serious relationship and so on and so and so on. Obviously she had mis read everything in between them. If he had told her that, there was no reason for her to get upset about him dating someone else.

He did text back that he wanted to be friends, and she then texted something back about how she didn't think his new gf would appreciate him being friends with someone he had slept with a week ago. He explained to me it had been two weeks, and it had been a mistake that he felt horrible about, her idea and then she threw it in his face. He said they had stopped sleeping toghether a while before that.

She then apologized to him for blowing up. I saw all the texts. Clearly, she is not stable if she blows up over someone who broke up with her ( not that they were together long enough for it to be anything and he told her the whole time he wasn't looking for a relationship with her) like that.

I know he is not cheating on me. I know this, and the letter even confirmed he is probably not.

I think he was just lonely and meeting the wrong people who got too attached too quickly and now they are causing problems.

When is he with me, he never answers the phone or texts from his female friends. If he was trying to maintain something with them, then he would do so.

You are making excuses for him, just look how much you're trying to defend him! Now I don't know him so I don't know if he is indeed guilty of anything or not, but it is obvious to me that you are going to great lengths to justify everything. Hey, I've done the same!

The phrase I quoted...no, he would not answer those calls or texts in front of you, quite the opposite. My ex never did, when he realized his phone was always beeping with texts when we were together he just left it on silent or left the phone at home, so I didn't become suspicious. He would look at the screen to see who it was, then I am 99% sure he would reply when he went to the washroom, or hours later after our date was over.

That woman must have been really hurt, if she resorted to bombarding him with texts and reaching out to you to warn you. Something must have caused her erratic behavior, remember there are 2 sides to any story out there. It would be naive of you to just dismiss it.

Also, when someone uses the words "love bombing" they usually refer to narcissistic behavior, as that's the first stage of the three: love bombing, when they overwhelm you with love and attention (too fast too soon) and put you on a pedestal, want to spend as much time with you as possible, etc. Then the second stage is called devaluation, when you are being removed from the pedestal and he is starting to see your "flaws" and cool off, and the last stage is called discard - I don't need to explain what that means.

I'm not saying the woman is right, maybe your guy is indeed a saint who just had a string of bad luck. All I'm saying is don't dismiss it and be careful, stop confiding in him as much as you currently do, and watch his actions. In time, you will be able to establish for yourself whether she said the truth or not.

He said he is going to cut contact with the most recent ex completely. There is absolutely no reason for her to be still hanging on. It was a fling, she got too attached. He said he felt bad the whole time they were sleeping togehter because clearly she wasn't stable. And also, he said she is a very heavy smoker and he hates cigarette smoke. I can't stand women who think men are going to make exceptions for their crazy.

I think it's shows his character that he tries to be so understanding with women. And you know what? he met me. And it works. I accept that his life isn't perfect. I know I came on her for advice, as I was somewhat taken back by the email. but the more I think about it and put it all together, it is just the most recent fling.

I am going to file a harassment report today. He said he will check the ip address to make sure it's her and then he says he has my blessings to report her.

She needs to move on.