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Thread: Do I believe this? what to do

  1. #1
    lostupnorth
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    Do I believe this? what to do

    Hello

    I have recently met a man from online. I am 42, he is 48. We talked for a few weeks online and on the phone and then we met in person a little over two weeks ago. Our first date was amazing, which we already knew it was going to be. That was on a wednesday, and we then spent the weekend together, with me going home to sleep as I have teenagers.

    He comes to see me everyday at lunch, and we see each other most evenings, but have had to skip a couple here and there. He had his children last weekend and I went over to meet them, and we celebrated his daughter's birthday on sunday . I brought my niece and daughter, and then on monday I went over and he and I celebrated his birthday with his children. I took the day off work on tuesday to spend his actual birthday with him alone.

    I received an email this morning warning me of new partner. They said I should " slow down" as this is all typical behaviour. " I'm sure that by now you've met the kids, see him every day, and you are feeling quite important in his life. I am guessing this because I went through the same thing. I know now it's called love bombing........read up on it."

    The letter also said that they had seen each other yesterday morning. I was out of town yesterday. I don't know. I work every day, so they could have randomly chosen a day I suppose. They also told me they spent tuesday evening with him of his birthday and that they met up around 930. I was home by that point.

    They told me to watch his guy nights, and to watch a pattern of tuesday and friday evenings. I have only known him two friday's, and we have spent them together so far, and have plans to spend tonight together.

    The letter stated they had no malicious intent, but that he was already telling this person that I am just " a friend". And to watch his phone and texts and see " how many friends" he has. It also went on to tell me that while she believes he is probably faithful at this point, to just be aware as to why he keeps so many female friends around, that the shiny new ness will wear off. She also stated that she called him out on dating me and will not be seeing him again out of respect to me.

    She knew so many details about him. She told me she became aware of me when he told he no longer needed her support in family court last week. He did have a custody hearing. She told me to watch and see how many exes he referred to as " crazy". He only has one so far, but the behaviours were extreme.

    I don't know. I'm torn as to why she would write this if he is faithful. She also said in the letter that he referred to me as " simple and that's why I like her she doesn't ask questions, no drama" . She ended the letter by telling me she just thought I should keep my eyes open, but that she wished the relastionship the best, and if I had any questions or needed to talk down the road to feel free to contact her.


    Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

  2. #2
    Wiseman2
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    It sounds like she is trying to sabotage your relationship. Is this an ex or current gf?

    This part is very true, however 6919640]I received an email this morning warning me of new partner. They said I should " slow down" as this is all typical behaviour. " I'm sure that by now you've met the kids, see him every day, and you are feeling quite important in his life. I am guessing this because I went through the same thing. I know now it's called love bombing........read up on it."[/QUOTE]

  3. #3
    lostupnorth
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    so if she is just trying to sabotage, I let it go? He says he's never met her, so it's one of his exes just making up a fake account.

  4. #4
    Wiseman2
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    Either way, Slow Down!! Of course he knows who she is if she has this many detailed accounts of who he is, where he is and when...and how he operates.
    Quote Originally Posted by lostupnorth [Register to see the link]
    He says he's never met her, so it's one of his exes just making up a fake account.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 12-01-2017 at 12:25 PM.

  5. #5
    j.man
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    Sounds like an unhinged and vindictive ex of his. It's actually not surprising he'd accrue a few if he's the type to immediately spend every lunch and evening together, and then introduce a lady to his kids barely a month in. Not saying that you are necessarily unstable, but someone with a healthy dating life isn't going to find that level of attention and immersion endearing so soon into things.

    She doesn't wish your "relationship" the best. She may have dressed it up, but it was still a clear effort to sabotage. And, to be honest, one thing she is right about is all this being much, much too soon, especially with the kids. Forget the whole policing his phone contacts and "watching" his guys nights, but do slow waaaaaaay down. I have a feeling neither he nor you would be game for that, though.

  6. #6
    lostupnorth
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    We had a discussion about it moving quickly, we both agree we are comfortable with it due to our ages and having a genuine connection. When the shoe fits it fits. She also just sent another email and told me to ask him about cheating on his last ex by taking his kids to a strangers house for the night, about hurting a dog, and threatening suicide in front of his children.

    She said this is all coming from a place of sincerity because he comes across as a nice guy who just has some crazy exes and that he is already messaging her today asking her to not be upset and please still be friends.

    She told me to ask about the court case he had and how he made up a lie to police when his most recent ex caught him cheating. There is a peace bond in place, I am aware of this, but he told me it was a fight that escalated and they agreed to the peace bond before the court hearing because he didn't want her to go to jail. He said the pictures were just accidentally sent to him from a female friend in google drive when she was trying to send him pictures of her new home.

    I don't know...my gut instinct tells me this is all designed to run away, which I have no intentions of doing. He is the nicest man I have ever met, and yes he has had a string of bad luck, but I 'm not going to give up on finding a good mate just because someone is being dramatic and stirring the pot.

  7. #7
    SherrySher
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    It's worth wondering who she is and if there is any truth to it. Yes on one hand she could be trying to sabatoge but on the other, she might be telling you the truth.

    How does she know about you? He mist have fed her information otherwise she wouldn't know so much. She also gave you times of them being together when you were not around, she couldn't have guessed those times.

    I personally would listen to what she has to say and be very careful. I doubt she is lying about everything.

    A string of bad luck....hmmmmmm. He chose these people in his life, he wanted them, you need to keep it in perspective. I know it's easy to see past it all with rose colored glasses on, but you need to be careful.
    It sounds like trouble finds him a lot.

  8. #8
    reinventmyself
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    Two things are going on here. I agree with her trying to sabotage your relationship. Its hard to say whether or not she's telling the truth

    But that aside, I do agree with the love bombing. . on both your parts. `Insta relationships' often set the scene for dramatic relationship beginnings, as you are
    learning now.
    Had you taken your time and not mixed the children into everything and taken the time to get to know him you might have found out if he's a suitable and reliable partner on your
    own with out the benefit of a mysterious letter. You also would have known him well enough to decide whether or not the letter has any merit.

    Step back and slow down. If not for yourself, do so for your kids.

  9. #9
    DancingFool
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    OP, just looking at the speed and intensity with which you are moving....no, it's not because of your age and connection, it's simply unhealthy and way over the top. It's very much the opposite of maturity and life experience because life experience should have taught you that when someone pushes so fast, when something is a bit too good to be true....it's because it is. It's only been two weeks, you know less than jack about him and you are already bringing your children into this.....yikes......

    Yes, do look up love bombing, not because of some woman, but because you really will find out the hard and painful way that this "connection" is not as real or as great as you think. You wouldn't be the first woman to get totally effed up by a psycho and then you'll be back here in year or so asking how to leave, but you loooove him, but he is cheating on you, abusing you, etc. Abusers come on hot, hard, and fast and monopolize your time and make you feel like instant long term relationship. So do narcissists, bpd, bipolar, etc., etc., etc. They all have one thing in common - immense pace and a charisma to make you feel like you are the chosen one, the most amazing person ever and once they have you in love and locked in, their other side comes out....

    Cool your jets OP and take a big long step back and rethink how is it that you don't see his pace as a red flag the size of China.

  10. #10
    lostupnorth
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    I did read up on love bombing. I don't think it quite applies? As I am more than willing to spend time with him, and in fact, a couple of times I have invited him over and he has not been able to come. So it's not like we are together 24/7 literally. My kids are 15 and 17 so they are independent, but I do make sure I spend part of the evening home with them and also, a couple of nights I have been tied up with them.

    And also, it's not love bombing when it comes from a genuine place is it? I can also equally find articles about people who knew it was right from the beginning.


    Also, we have our lunch together because he was recently laid off. I do not expect that to continue when he finds a new job.

  11.  

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