Co-Parenting Isn't Working

I am a stepmom to my husband's two kids, a boy and a girl, 4 and 8 respectively. They each have a different mom. He and I have been married a little over a year and together about three years. I'll start by saying we've never had any issues with my stepson's mother. In fact his baseball coach recently commented about how amicable our relationship was and his mother responded "There's no point in fighting. The only person hurt from that is the child." All the issues we've had have been with my SD's mother.

About a year into our relationship is when we found out he was her father. He knew she existed, but was told he wasn't her father and didn't believe that he was until they took the DNA test when she filed for child support. From the first day the results came back there's been problems. First, my SD's mother and her grandmother didn't want either of us to see the child. But he insisted, saying he wanted to be involved. Then she told him she didn't want me around while he was getting to know their daughter. He disagreed, telling her we should both get to know her at the same time so there wouldn't be any awkwardness when she came for visits. She finally agreed. Fast forward through the first year or so as she was getting to know the new family members she'd gained and it was a bit rough to start with, especially with a custody agreement not yet in place.

There is now an agreement in place and my SD is 4. Every time they meet for him to pick her up or drop her off it seems her mother has something different to yell at him about. At first I used to go with him, but once I noticed it caused more drama I decided not to go anymore to cut down on the drama (didn't really work though). The only times I do go is when it's absolutely necessary (like right after work when my office is closed). It's rare at best.

On our wedding anniversary this year, it was our weekend with my SD and it was Sunday so time to take her back to her mom. We had dinner reservations shortly after so it only made sense for me to go with him. She had asked him shortly before if he could keep her until the next day. He said no because his mother, who is retired and is usually our babysitter when we're both at work, had an auction to work and couldn't keep her. When she arrived at our normal meeting spot to pick her up and saw he was dressed up to go out, she got angry. "So you can't keep our daughter until tomorrow because you're going out to celebrate an unsuccessful marriage?" I stayed in the car and didn't say anything, which is what I usually do. I've gotten out a few times to speak, but most of the time I don't because she's usually yelling at him about something. So we left and we're headed to the restaurant when she calls to chew him out because my SD told her that we had white chocolate covered pretzels and didn't give my SD any. She proceeded to chew at me then too, saying "Whatever my daughter asks for when she's with you you are to give it to her." I responded, probably in a way I shouldn't have, telling her she doesn't buy my groceries or pay the bills and can't say what goes on in my house. She completely ruined the evening, which is what I'm sure she was going for. My SD never even asked for any of the pretzels at our house and we were getting ready to eat dinner that night.

This isn't the only incident. It's always something. One time she brought a live kitten with her, saying my SD wanted to bring it with her to Daddy's, saying that the mediator said the drop offs and pick ups might be easier for the child if she brings something with her . The mediator meant a toy or stuff animal or something. We all know she didn't mean a live animal. This time my husband put his foot down. He refuses to take the kitten with us and she takes it back home, but not before saying "I'm going to write this down and take it back to the judge that you refused to let her take it."

Another time, before he and I got married, I'd entered a photography contest to win a photography package for our wedding. To enter we had to tell our story to the photographer and she would post them with our picture for people to vote on. My SD's mother saw this and flipped out, saying I said that my SD belonging her my husband ruined our lives. I did not say that, what I did say was that it turned out world upside down, which it did. Whose world wouldn't be changed finding out they or their significant or have a two year daughter. This was included in the story because it was after we found out that he proposed to me. She also constantly bringing up the Facebook post, saying I never wanted her around and that ruined our lives.

Today was his time to have her during the week. She called him and told him the child was crying and screaming saying she was scared to go to Daddy's because I was mean. She told him she was going to call social services and have me investigated to see what I'd done to her daughter. She said she was going to take him back to court and have the judge put into their paperwork that I cant be around when she is visiting. Once she arrived to drop her off, she told him that I better not come with him to drop her off on Friday because she and her mother were both going to hit me.

I've done nothing at all to my SD. I treat her like she's my own. I do not physically discipline her because that's not my place. I will ground her or send her to her room when it's warranted. Once my husband left with her, he asked her about what happened and she said it was because I wouldn't let her play blocks or play with her brother. The incident she's talking about was Thanksgiving weekend. It was Sunday evening and we were getting ready to leave the house to take her back to her mother. She already had on her coat and shoes. Her brother was playing his 2DS and wanted to play alone. She asked to play with him and I told her he's playing my himself right now. She then asked if she could play with her blocks. This isn't normally a problem but we were just getting ready to leave the house to take her back home so I said no.

I should also note that her mother and grandmother never say no to her, and they've told my husband they will never say no to her and will always give her what she wants. If they make something for dinner that she doesn't like, she just tells them what she wants and they go get it, whether it's fast food or cookies or cake or candy. They have no bedtime for her and she pretty much rules their house. My husband and I have rules at our house and try our best to give her some disciple so she won't be out of control later. But every time she goes back home and then comes back we have to start l over again because they let her do and have whatever she wants.

I can't really say anything because I'm just the stepparent. I have no rights when it comes to my SD and her mom purposely leaves me out of everything, saying only she and her father need to know what's going on. I feel differently. I feel like I do need to know what's going on in the event my husband has to work when she's with us or if anything were to happen. I'm in no way trying to replace her and I would never try. I'm just lost about what to do because this is all so stressful. My husband has talked about going to email and text only contact, no phone calls unless it's a child is being rushed to the hospital kind of emergency. He's also considered a using a facility that monitors drop offs and pick up. The person dropping off would take her there 15 minutes before they meet, then leave (and this would be mandatory. The person monitoring would keep the child occupied until the person picking up arrived. This costs $35 per drop off and he really doesn't want to go that route.

Anyone have any suggestions for me, him, or both? Neither of us really know what to do anymore.

y SD's mother saw this and flipped out, saying I said that my SD belonging her my husband ruined our lives. I did not say that, what I did say was that it turned out world upside down, which it did.

And leave it to your husband to discipline her (that includes groundings and barring her from playing blocks... which, why can't she if another kid is playing video games?). If he's not around enough to police his child, that's an issue you should understandably raise with him.

I think you're overstepping and overstepping big time. By all means, discuss boundaries with your husband, but I'd immediately stop acting on whatever instincts you've got going on.

Lady, what the hell? Why would you air that out regardless? Don't publicly comment on your husband's daughter, especially in such a way.

 

And leave it to your husband to discipline her (that includes groundings and barring her from playing blocks... which, why can't she if another kid is playing video games?). If he's not around enough to police his child, that's an issue you should understandably raise with him.

 

I think you're overstepping and overstepping big time. By all means, discuss boundaries with your husband, but I'd immediately stop acting on whatever instincts you've got going on.

Wow...first, I have to know if you were able to read the entire post as I only see part of it what I write, at least from the app anyway. Second, what do you mean by in such a way? It was never meant negative and my husband even read it before I submitted it. I also did not realize the photographer wouldn't edit it before posting it. I thought it was a submission to her and she would edit it before it was posted.

Third, we were literally getting ready to walk out of the door to take her back to her mother when she asked to play with the blocks. You're telling me you would take out the blocks and let her play when you're leaving the house? They're big blocks, not ones that can be taken with us in the car. And he is around enough, he's usually with us every time we have them. But if he's at work on a Saturday and I'm with the kids I'm not going to let them do whatever they want. I have been given permission by him to discipline them both like that.

I'd like to understand why you think I'm overstepping. I'm not supposed to be able to take away a toy or have her follow my directions when she's with us? A stepparent is not allowed to say anything towards their stepchild? They're supposed to just let them do whatever they want? If he's the only one who disciplines them at all it will show them I'm not allowed to say anything to them and they'll run all over me when he's not here.

That poor little girl. Having no limits and such an angry mother is really going to harm her psychologically. Have you talked with your husband about trying for sole custody? It has to come from him. But it is so concerning what is happening to that child.

That poor little girl. Having no limits and such an angry mother is really going to harm her psychologically. Have you talked with your husband about trying for sole custody? It has to come from him. But it is so concerning what is happening to that child.

We haven't talked about sole custody. Neither of us would ever want to take her away from her mother. We have talked about trying to find a way to make her see reason, though. We just haven't come up with anything yet. Trying for sole custody may be the wake up she needs though. Or maybe having a judge order parenting classes, and not just for her, but all of us. I'm not above going to parenting classes. I have no kids of my own so I'm only going by what I've seen from my parents and other adults in my life. I know enough to know what is absolutely wrong to do and I would never put my hands on any child. If a child is to be spanked that their mom and dad's choice, not mine. But I do expect to be able to not only enforce discipline put in place by her father, but to give it out as well if it is needed. My husband and I actually talked about that before we got married and he agrees with me. He's told them both that whatever one of us says goes and the other one will not change the answer.

Do you think I'm overstepping? If I am it's simply because I don't see it. It's not intentional by any means.

If another meeting can be arranged with a mediator, I highly suggest that to bring up the egregious issue of yelling and anger, especially when it's done in front of the child. It's abusive. And recommending the parenting class for all involved might get the woman to realize what she's doing to her daughter. If that doesn't work, paying the money for a drop off person is the least you all could do to stop subjecting the child to the angry exchange that happens each time a visit happens.

her mom purposely leaves me out of everything, saying only she and her father need to know what's going on. I feel differently. I feel like I do need to know what's going on in the event my husband has to work when she's with us or if anything were to happen.

Your husband can clue you in to what you need to know, just like he'd clue any care giver who he leaves his child with. You are a third party. You care about the child and care for her at times, but ultimately she is his responsibility, his child. Yes, you can have have house rules, just like a daycare or school or friends' have rules. Is she 4, or 8? I can't picture "grounding" a 4 year old. Taking away a toy, or giving her a time-out, yes, but grounding? I would not make this a battle with her mom, or complain about how she or the grandmother run their homes. You probably can't know the full picture, currently or from the past that lead to the situation between your husband and her mother.

I know this puts you in a tough position, but maybe it would help if you don't think of yourself as a step-mother, but as a care-giver. I feel for the child.

Your husband can clue you in to what you need to know, just like he'd clue any care giver who he leaves his child with. You are a third party. You care about the child and care for her at times, but ultimately she is his responsibility, his child. Yes, you can have have house rules, just like a daycare or school or friends' have rules. Is she 4, or 8? I can't picture "grounding" a 4 year old. Taking away a toy, or giving her a time-out, yes, but grounding? I would not make this a battle with her mom, or complain about how she or the grandmother run their homes. You probably can't know the full picture, currently or from the past that lead to the situation between your husband and her mother.

 

I know this puts you in a tough position, but maybe it would help if you don't think of yourself as a step-mother, but as a care-giver. I feel for the child.

I see this differently. Yes, he can clue me in on what's going on, but me hearing it straight from her ensures nothing is misconstrued or related incorrectly. For example if she's given medicine by a dr and the dosage is different than normal, or there's special instructions, is it not better to hear it directly from the person who was at the appointment with her rather than being relayed? What is he tells me it's a certain about of teaspoons but was really supposed to be less? Then she could blame me for over medicating her and I don't want anything like that to happen. I say all this because my husband has been known to get things confused before, he has done so with his son and I've had to contact his mother to make sure it's right.

Yes, she is 4, and when she does things she knows are wrong she gets grounded. My husband and I discussed discipline for both of them and we both agree this is appropriate and is discipline that I can both implement and enforce. It's not just me complaining about how they run their home. My husband, his parents, and even his 8 year old realizes that she's not getting any discipline there. The battle has already been started by her mother. How are we supposed to ignore how she does things in her home when what she does completely undermines what we're doing and we have to start over every time she comes to our home? I understand having differences in the way we discipline. But my husband and I both agree that having no discipline is detrimental not just to her, but to her relationships with all of us, including her mother and grandmother.

I usually stay out of their conversations and I do not go with him to pick her up or drop her off anymore. I realized it creates even more drama when I'm there.

I feel like I'm being told that I can't discipline her and if I can't then I may as well not be there at all. I will not help my husband raise a child I'm not allowed to discipline. That only shows the child they can do whatever they want when it comes to me and creates unruly and eventually out of control children.

Also, how do would I not see myself as a stepmother when that's what I am? Even a caregiver is able to discipline a child when they need to.

It doesn't sound like the daughter is the problem, but that the mother is struggling with the fact that there are new people in her daughter's life and she wants to control those interactions...which she can't do.

I agree with Andrina, if you can have a conversation with the mediator and tell them what you've been experiencing, that may be helpful. It sounds like mom needs to have someone talk to her about what she's doing to her kid, as ultimately that's who is suffering.

Co-parenting is hard. It really is, and it's difficult for people to understand if they've never done it. Every relationship is different, too, which means what has worked for some people may not work for you guys.

Ultimately, as someone who has been in similar shoes, my .02 is that the best thing you can do is have a conversation with your husband to make sure you guys are on the same page with how you want things handled in your household...and then make sure you are providing consistency for your daughter when she is with the two of you. In the end, that is what is going to be most reflected in her behavior, and she'll notice it as she gets older. Mom is like a roller-coaster - angry/sweet as she considers it useful for her own means. That wreaks havoc on the kiddos mental well-being and behavior. If you guys are steady, consistent, calm... things will balance out. You're still in an adjustment period, and she's young. Make sure you're getting the support YOU need to be a calm and steady influence.

It doesn't sound like the daughter is the problem, but that the mother is struggling with the fact that there are new people in her daughter's life and she wants to control those interactions...which she can't do.

 

I agree with Andrina, if you can have a conversation with the mediator and tell them what you've been experiencing, that may be helpful. It sounds like mom needs to have someone talk to her about what she's doing to her kid, as ultimately that's who is suffering.

 

Co-parenting is hard. It really is, and it's difficult for people to understand if they've never done it. Every relationship is different, too, which means what has worked for some people may not work for you guys.

 

Ultimately, as someone who has been in similar shoes, my .02 is that the best thing you can do is have a conversation with your husband to make sure you guys are on the same page with how you want things handled in your household...and then make sure you are providing consistency for your daughter when she is with the two of you. In the end, that is what is going to be most reflected in her behavior, and she'll notice it as she gets older. Mom is like a roller-coaster - angry/sweet as she considers it useful for her own means. That wreaks havoc on the kiddos mental well-being and behavior. If you guys are steady, consistent, calm... things will balance out. You're still in an adjustment period, and she's young. Make sure you're getting the support YOU need to be a calm and steady influence.

Thank you for this. My husband and I discussed almost everything like this before we got married. It was something we both wanted to make sure we were on the same page about, whether it is the kids we have now or when we have our own kids. When he disciplines, I am behind him 100% and do not go against it. When I discipline he is behind me 100% and doesn't go against it. My stepson found that out quick one day when he asked a question and it was something we'd already talked about and said no to. I said no once again and he said to me "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my dad." I didn't have to say a word. My husband took over and made it clear to him that he's not to talk like that to me or anyone else and that when I answer him, it will be the same answer he would give him. He hasn't done anything like that since. So I'm lucky to have his support in that.

I have this posted in another community forum as well, and someone there mentioned to me that she sounds like she is all talk and no action. From what I've seen that's the case. My husband absolutely believes this is the case, which is why he doesn't usually react. I do get angry sometimes when he doesn't, especially when she's attacking me, but I guess I need to realize he's right. I try to stay away from her as much as possible and rarely ever go with him now unless it's necessary. I've tried to communicate with her, tried to talk to her, gave her my number so she could text me whenever I was with her daughter without my husband. None of that worked.

As much as I would hate for it to happen, we're most likely going to go to written contact only and either exchanging at the police station or having no contact when we do exchange. That will cost all of us, but it will be worth it if it cuts down on this drama. I know it won't ever end completely.

Perhaps your husband could speak to the mediator and/or his lawyer again to get advice.

Like you say, the current arrangement is not working. He should bring up the threats , the screaming and yelling , and the unnecessary phone calls that are abusive.

I feel for the little girl too.

I see this differently. Yes, he can clue me in on what's going on, but me hearing it straight from her ensures nothing is misconstrued or related incorrectly. For example if she's given medicine by a dr and the dosage is different than normal, or there's special instructions, is it not better to hear it directly from the person who was at the appointment with her rather than being relayed? What is he tells me it's a certain about of teaspoons but was really supposed to be less? Then she could blame me for over medicating her and I don't want anything like that to happen. I say all this because my husband has been known to get things confused before, he has done so with his son and I've had to contact his mother to make sure it's right.

 

Yes, she is 4, and when she does things she knows are wrong she gets grounded. My husband and I discussed discipline for both of them and we both agree this is appropriate and is discipline that I can both implement and enforce. It's not just me complaining about how they run their home. My husband, his parents, and even his 8 year old realizes that she's not getting any discipline there. The battle has already been started by her mother. How are we supposed to ignore how she does things in her home when what she does completely undermines what we're doing and we have to start over every time she comes to our home? I understand having differences in the way we discipline. But my husband and I both agree that having no discipline is detrimental not just to her, but to her relationships with all of us, including her mother and grandmother.

 

I usually stay out of their conversations and I do not go with him to pick her up or drop her off anymore. I realized it creates even more drama when I'm there.

 

I feel like I'm being told that I can't discipline her and if I can't then I may as well not be there at all. I will not help my husband raise a child I'm not allowed to discipline. That only shows the child they can do whatever they want when it comes to me and creates unruly and eventually out of control children.

 

Also, how do would I not see myself as a stepmother when that's what I am? Even a caregiver is able to discipline a child when they need to.

But, it's not working for you this way. It's not working for the mother. You want her to be the one to change, I guess, but it's likely she will not. My thought is that if you step back a bit, feel like it is less YOUR problem, it may change the dynamic. If you husband makes a mistake, it is HIS mistake. If you've stepped back, and if he steps up to claim that responsibility, then, ok, that is who the mother deals with. Is he an irresponsible father, doesn't get information right? That is on him. For medications, the dosage is on the label. If there is a question, refer to the father (your husband) and have HIM follow up on it.

And yes, even a caregiver is able to discipline a child. But they cannot ground a child. I do think you are over-stepping there.

Instead of "usually" staying out of their conversations, just simply stay out of them. Let them work it out. Don't try to manage them or their relationship.

But, it's not working for you this way. It's not working for the mother. You want her to be the one to change, I guess, but it's likely she will not. My thought is that if you step back a bit, feel like it is less YOUR problem, it may change the dynamic. If you husband makes a mistake, it is HIS mistake. If you've stepped back, and if he steps up to claim that responsibility, then, ok, that is who the mother deals with. Is he an irresponsible father, doesn't get information right? That is on him. For medications, the dosage is on the label. If there is a question, refer to the father (your husband) and have HIM follow up on it.

 

And yes, even a caregiver is able to discipline a child. But they cannot ground a child. I do think you are over-stepping there.

 

Instead of "usually" staying out of their conversations, just simply stay out of them. Let them work it out. Don't try to manage them or their relationship.

Getting something wrong doesn't make him an irresponsible father. He's very responsible but like most people he works a lot and does a lot to take care of his family. We both do. He forgets things, everyone does. And rather than bothering him at work (and possibly getting him in trouble) it's easier to send her a text about it if I have a question. And when I try to step back and make it feel less like my problem, he get offended about it. He feels like they're mine too and I should be equally informed. His son's mother has no problem with this, especially since she has a bf as well and we're all involved together. It doesn't become a problem for us to be on the same place at his baseball games or a school activity. My SD isn't in school yet but I already know it will be a problem for her, especially when he and I have to start splitting when they're both involved in sports. He can't always send me to his son's activities. He has to be there sometimes too so there will be times when I will need to go to her activities. I'm hoping there's going to be some change in the dynamic before then but I'm not holding my breath.

I shouldn't have used the word usually. I do stay out of their conversations. I don't get involved. I don't manage their relationship and never said I did. He doesn't want any contact with her unless it's about their daughter. But when they try to discuss things about their daughter she is yelling about one thing or another or she brings up something about me or mine and my husband's relationship, like the comment about our marriage being unsuccessful. Things like that are unnecessary. When she brings me into the conversation it then becomes my problem. Things aren't working for her because she wants to control what's going on in our house, which she can't. There are also signs that she's unhappy he married me rather than her.

You and I aren't going to agree to the discipline issue. This is where a caregiver and a stepparent differ. A caregiver, like a babysitter for example, doesn't live with the child and can't enforce grounding unless the parent agrees and then enforces the grounding or carries it out themselves. My husband set the boundaries of which I can discipline his children in our house. So I have the permission from their biological parent to ground them if the situation warrants it. And this is only while they're with us. Neither implements punishment that's to be enforced when they're with the other parent. That's not even logical. With the exception of physically disciplining them, if I have their father's permission to discipline them then that's all I need.

I guess I just don't see what I'm doing wrong. I don't get involved. Despite wanting to be able to communicate with her directly I don't even try to. I don't go with him to exchanges unless it's absolutely necessary. If she's taken to the hospital for anything I do go with him there because he wants me there and as her father he is entitled to have support of his own. I stay as far removed from the mother as possible. Am I supposed to just remove myself altogether.

I would love my daughter to have a father and step mother like you two ...especially you , to be so caring and concerned and willing as a step parent . This woman doesn't know how lucky she is that she has the support of you , the step mother around her daughters interest . If you take nothing more from my post then take away that you are a good person .

I would love my daughter to have a father and step mother like you two ...especially you , to be so caring and concerned and willing as a step parent . This woman doesn't know how lucky she is that she has the support of you , the step mother around her daughters interest . If you take nothing more from my post then take away that you are a good person .

Thank you. I do feel like she thinks I'm trying to take her place and that's probably the case. But I would never do that. There are times she is completely sane. There are times she's called the child "ours" and including me in that. Just this past Mother's Day she called my husband and asked to speak to me. When I took the phone she wished me happy Mother's Day because she said I was a mother too. Honestly I don't know what's going on.

Getting something wrong doesn't make him an irresponsible father. He's very responsible but like most people he works a lot and does a lot to take care of his family. We both do. He forgets things, everyone does. And rather than bothering him at work (and possibly getting him in trouble) it's easier to send her a text about it if I have a question. And when I try to step back and make it feel less like my problem, he get offended about it. He feels like they're mine too and I should be equally informed. His son's mother has no problem with this, especially since she has a bf as well and we're all involved together. It doesn't become a problem for us to be on the same place at his baseball games or a school activity. My SD isn't in school yet but I already know it will be a problem for her, especially when he and I have to start splitting when they're both involved in sports. He can't always send me to his son's activities. He has to be there sometimes too so there will be times when I will need to go to her activities. I'm hoping there's going to be some change in the dynamic before then but I'm not holding my breath.

 

I shouldn't have used the word usually. I do stay out of their conversations. I don't get involved. I don't manage their relationship and never said I did. He doesn't want any contact with her unless it's about their daughter. But when they try to discuss things about their daughter she is yelling about one thing or another or she brings up something about me or mine and my husband's relationship, like the comment about our marriage being unsuccessful. Things like that are unnecessary. When she brings me into the conversation it then becomes my problem. Things aren't working for her because she wants to control what's going on in our house, which she can't. There are also signs that she's unhappy he married me rather than her.

 

You and I aren't going to agree to the discipline issue. This is where a caregiver and a stepparent differ. A caregiver, like a babysitter for example, doesn't live with the child and can't enforce grounding unless the parent agrees and then enforces the grounding or carries it out themselves. My husband set the boundaries of which I can discipline his children in our house. So I have the permission from their biological parent to ground them if the situation warrants it. And this is only while they're with us. Neither implements punishment that's to be enforced when they're with the other parent. That's not even logical. With the exception of physically disciplining them, if I have their father's permission to discipline them then that's all I need.

 

I guess I just don't see what I'm doing wrong. I don't get involved. Despite wanting to be able to communicate with her directly I don't even try to. I don't go with him to exchanges unless it's absolutely necessary. If she's taken to the hospital for anything I do go with him there because he wants me there and as her father he is entitled to have support of his own. I stay as far removed from the mother as possible. Am I supposed to just remove myself altogether.

I'm confused. What is the problem then? Are you happy with the situation or are YOU wanting a change?

Thank you. I do feel like she thinks I'm trying to take her place and that's probably the case. But I would never do that. There are times she is completely sane. There are times she's called the child "ours" and including me in that. Just this past Mother's Day she called my husband and asked to speak to me. When I took the phone she wished me happy Mother's Day because she said I was a mother too. Honestly I don't know what's going on.

What's going on is what she told your husband early on - she didn't want him involved. He forced it. So, rationally, she probably knows perfectly well that this is actually good for the child, all of you and that she is lucky that you are a caring woman willing to step up and help raise the children. Emotionally, however, she resents this. Emotions aren't rational and when she is feeling emotional her colors show, thus the anger, picking fights, etc. Hopefully with time this will start to settle more and more..... Agree with whoever suggested mediation and parenting classes and perhaps just speaking all together with a good quality child psychiatrist, not for the child, but to help the mother understand better how this is all good and that she isn't less because of other people being in her child's life.

I'm confused. What is the problem then? Are you happy with the situation or are YOU wanting a change?

No, it isn't just me that's wanting a change. My husband does too. It's not healthy for any of us involved, especially the child, to be around the yelling and screaming she does and the fighting she starts. She chewed my husband out, telling him she was going to contact social services because the child told her I am mean. A child who is 4, heck one at any age, that is not being told no at home and is being given anything she wants by her mother and grandmother and is not being disciplined there is going to think any adult that says no is mean. My husband believes she shouldn't have to face the third degree every time they meet to exchange the child and I believe the same thing. No, the situation isn't perfect by any means, but they should all be able to meet up cordially, exchange the child and leave. If there needs to be a discussion it shouldn't be yelling and screaming. It should call conversation about what's going on. Before jumping to conclusions maybe she should ask the adults what's going on and why the child said I was mean. How good is it for the child to see her mother always yelling and screaming at her father? It's not, at all. He is just as baffled by her behavior as I am. Although I believe DancingFool may be right.

I'm not able to read all the comments as I don't have time...but I atleast wanted to acknowledge that you're doing a great job. Unfortunately, you can't MAKE her mother grow up and be mature about this. Hopefully that will come in time, but if not, your step daughter will eventually pick up on her psycho-antics and form her own opinion of the situation. Kids are very resilient, so don't panick too much about that. Just keep the conversation going about why she has ruled at your house, that you just want to help her grow into a good person and learn important concepts, etc. My daughter is also 4. Whenever she's sent to her room, we always have a discussion afterward about why she got in trouble, how her actions made others feel, what she should have done...whatever is appropriate. She always seems to understand where she went wrong and why it was wrong, and because of that, she rarely makes the same mistake more than once or twice.

Also want to add, it's completely ridiculous that people think step parents have no role in discipline. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It gives the idea that you and your husband are not equals in your house, and the same with mom and step dad. You and your husband are a unit, when he's gone, you are the parent. Notice the word "step parent" has the word "parent" right in there.

You're doing all you can. Just document mom's crazy antics, and like I said, always keep the conversations going with stepdaughter. She will appreciate it one day!

No, it isn't just me that's wanting a change. My husband does too. It's not healthy for any of us involved, especially the child, to be around the yelling and screaming she does and the fighting she starts. She chewed my husband out, telling him she was going to contact social services because the child told her I am mean. A child who is 4, heck one at any age, that is not being told no at home and is being given anything she wants by her mother and grandmother and is not being disciplined there is going to think any adult that says no is mean. My husband believes she shouldn't have to face the third degree every time they meet to exchange the child and I believe the same thing. No, the situation isn't perfect by any means, but they should all be able to meet up cordially, exchange the child and leave. If there needs to be a discussion it shouldn't be yelling and screaming. It should call conversation about what's going on. Before jumping to conclusions maybe she should ask the adults what's going on and why the child said I was mean. How good is it for the child to see her mother always yelling and screaming at her father? It's not, at all. He is just as baffled by her behavior as I am. Although I believe DancingFool may be right.

What do you want to do? Is there anything you are willing to try differently? Not your husband (he's not here asking for advice), not the mother (she's not here asking for advice). You only have control over yourself, right? That was my point, really. IF you try something quite different it could change the experience for YOU, make it better for you, which could have a ripple affect, over time, for the others.

But is sound like you are not looking for something you can do differently. Sounds like you need to vent. It is understandable if it is frustrating for you.

Also want to add, it's completely ridiculous that people think step parents have no role in discipline.

I agree step parents have a role in discipline. However, it is somewhat different than a parent, in the eyes of the OTHER parent. The step parent is not independent from the other parent (the ex), unless they can completely ignore the reactions of the other (ex, for lack of a better word). Which is not the case here. Thus my advice.

I'm not able to read all the comments as I don't have time...but I atleast wanted to acknowledge that you're doing a great job. Unfortunately, you can't MAKE her mother grow up and be mature about this. Hopefully that will come in time, but if not, your step daughter will eventually pick up on her psycho-antics and form her own opinion of the situation. Kids are very resilient, so don't panick too much about that. Just keep the conversation going about why she has ruled at your house, that you just want to help her grow into a good person and learn important concepts, etc. My daughter is also 4. Whenever she's sent to her room, we always have a discussion afterward about why she got in trouble, how her actions made others feel, what she should have done...whatever is appropriate. She always seems to understand where she went wrong and why it was wrong, and because of that, she rarely makes the same mistake more than once or twice.

 

Also want to add, it's completely ridiculous that people think step parents have no role in discipline. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It gives the idea that you and your husband are not equals in your house, and the same with mom and step dad. You and your husband are a unit, when he's gone, you are the parent. Notice the word "step parent" has the word "parent" right in there.

 

You're doing all you can. Just document mom's crazy antics, and like I said, always keep the conversations going with stepdaughter. She will appreciate it one day!

100% agree with you! We always make sure we have that same conversation after she's sent to her room. When she's allowed to come out, we both discuss it with her if we're both there. If it's just one, then just one has it. And we're diligent in making sure she knows our rules apply to our house, Nana's rules apply to Nana's house, etc. No one's rules apply to anyone else's house. It's just the starting over every time she comes to us that's frustrating. It's like she's with her and because there's no discipline there she thinks that carries over to our house.

What do you want to do? Is there anything you are willing to try differently? Not your husband (he's not here asking for advice), not the mother (she's not here asking for advice). You only have control over yourself, right? That was my point, really. IF you try something quite different it could change the experience for YOU, make it better for you, which could have a ripple affect, over time, for the others.

 

But is sound like you are not looking for something you can do differently. Sounds like you need to vent. It is understandable if it is frustrating for you.

If there is something I can do, then yes I will do it. However, I don't believe pulling myself back and making it not my problem is the solution because at the end of the day it actually is my problem. My husband worries over everything and this just adds to it. It's not healthy for him. He and I don't believe it's our actions that are causing this. I have very little interaction with her mother so whatever she believes I'm doing wrong has to do with the way she thinks I treat her child. My husband believes I treat her just fine. He would tell me if he thought otherwise. And so would his mother lol. Venting is part of it, but the advice is helpful too. I felt like you were saying I was the problem and I don't believe that's the case. I'm willing to take parenting classes with both of them, do whatever is necessary and I've told them both this before. And because my husband isn't here, my voice is his voice too. I'm asking for advice for both of us. He'll be reading these too because it's pointless if he's not involved in any changes we might make. We're one united front when it comes to the kids, no matter who we're talking to or whether it's in person, on the phone or online.

If there is something I can do, then yes I will do it. However, I don't believe pulling myself back and making it not my problem is the solution because at the end of the day it actually is my problem. My husband worries over everything and this just adds to it. It's not healthy for him. He and I don't believe it's our actions that are causing this. I have very little interaction with her mother so whatever she believes I'm doing wrong has to do with the way she thinks I treat her child. My husband believes I treat her just fine. He would tell me if he thought otherwise. And so would his mother lol. Venting is part of it, but the advice is helpful too. I felt like you were saying I was the problem and I don't believe that's the case. I'm willing to take parenting classes with both of them, do whatever is necessary and I've told them both this before. And because my husband isn't here, my voice is his voice too. I'm asking for advice for both of us. He'll be reading these too because it's pointless if he's not involved in any changes we might make. We're one united front when it comes to the kids, no matter who we're talking to or whether it's in person, on the phone or online.

I understand the sense that you are a united team, and that's good. There is nothing wrong with having your own boundaries because, as I've observed in other cases, sometimes when involved with co-parenting and an ex, the ex gets triggered by the new partner. The new partner feels innocent, and perhaps they are, but it is what it is, and if they are seeking less conflict and more cooperation and smoother interaction around child rearing, the new partner might benefit from taking a bigger perspective and try to understand the dynamic, no matter how unreasonable it may appear. Because it affects the child and their relationship with the new partner in the longrun.

I understand the sense that you are a united team, and that's good. There is nothing wrong with having your own boundaries because, as I've observed in other cases, sometimes when involved with co-parenting and an ex, the ex gets triggered by the new partner. The new partner feels innocent, and perhaps they are, but it is what it is, and if they are seeking less conflict and more cooperation and smoother interaction around child rearing, the new partner might benefit from taking a bigger perspective and try to understand the dynamic, no matter how unreasonable it may appear. Because it affects the child and their relationship with the new partner in the longrun.

This is the reason I don't go with him unless I have to or there have been a few times I've had to pick her up because he's been tied up at work or something. I should mention that when I've met with her alone to pick up the child we've never had any issues. This could mean it's all a front for me or she's acting out in front of him. I stay away from her as much as possible, like I've said. If she calls I'm quiet, I don't try to interject or get involved. I'm taking as much of a backseat hidden role that I can. I can't disappear completely and I'm pretty sure that's what she wants. She's tried to break us up more than once.