Girlfriend doesn't take my anxiety issues seriously

Let's call her X.

I have severe anxiety issues, specially regarding the people I care about. Which is why I tell her to notify me whenever she goes anywhere. She can do whatever she wants, no boundations, but she should just drop a message. If she's getting late to call, she just has to send a message, and I'll wait. All this is because my anxiety has messed up my head, and I care for her a bit too much and often think the worst when she doesn't pick my calls on time. Not that she's cheating on me worse, but she may not be okay kind of worse.

I have been trying to tell this for about 18 months now. She always keeps forgetting it, and when I get upset because of it, she just acts like it is no big deal. Sure, it may not be a big deal for her. But what about me?

Can't someone do only this much for the person they love? just drop a simple message?

Stuff like this makes me mad, then we fight, then my anxiety kicks in, saying that she will probably leave me like everyone else has, and I will die alone, and I just get worse with every passing moment. I often do not sleep at night, and now I have gone for about 60 hours without sleep due to my anxiety.

How do I convince her that it is important to me? I know it may not be that big a deal for her, but it is for me.

You can't put your issues on to your partner. These are YOUR ISSUES to work out. It's not her job. You can ask for support. But it's up to you to deal with your anxiety and insecurity.

updating your partner about where you are all the time isn't a rational expectation.

Are you seeking help for your anxiety ? You are putting a lot of pressure on your gf to work around your issues.

If she accommodates to your insecurities (instead of you overcoming them) then she's just reinforcing them.

What are you doing to correct this problem, outside of making it hers to deal with?

As simple as this request seems to you, it is not so simple to her.

As simple as it seems to her that she can travel without making periodic texts all day long, it does not seem simple to you.

You two are at an impasse. No, she is not obligated to do this thing you've characterized as easy and yet after 18 months isn't happening -- so it isn't easy, is it?

You need to accept each other as-is. If your anxiety is who you are, then your concerns are rational to you. You do not need to be freed of the anxiety. Instead, accept that part of yourself. When you feel anxious, accept it and ride it out. That is your responsibility for being who you are.

Handle your own ****. It's not her job to placate your insecurities.

Yeah that is not an ok thing to demand from your partner. Do YOU update her on everywhere you go? I mean, literally everywhere?? If not, you are also a hypocrite, thinking you can hold her to a double standard. I'm not saying you should have to update someone on your whereabouts at all times (no one should unless you're on parol) but to expect a person to do something and even you aren't doing it looks bad. You're treating her like a criminal who just got out of jail.

If you requested that she tells you about extended/out of the area visits or vacations, then that's normal. For every place she goes...you have issues she should not have to deal with. If you are losing sleep and feeling highly anxious about this, you really need to see a therapist. This is not normal.

Yeah that is not an ok thing to demand from your partner. Do YOU update her on everywhere you go? I mean, literally everywhere?? If not, you are also a hypocrite, thinking you can hold her to a double standard. I'm not saying you should have to update someone on your whereabouts at all times (no one should unless you're on parol) but to expect a person to do something and even you aren't doing it looks bad. You're treating her like a criminal who just got out of jail.

 

If you requested that she tells you about extended/out of the area visits or vacations, then that's normal. For every place she goes...you have issues she should not have to deal with. If you are losing sleep and feeling highly anxious about this, you really need to see a therapist. This is not normal.

I disagree that each needs to treat the other the same; rather, each according to each ones capacity.

Are you on meds?

Sorry but having to report to you may come off as controlling. Anyone would rebel when someone tries to put such a tight leash on them, regardless of the rationale. She should not have to suffer through this when it's your responsibility to get appropriate treatment and management of it.

I tell her to notify me whenever she goes anywhere. I have been trying to tell this for about 18 months now. Stuff like this makes me mad, then we fight, then my anxiety kicks in, saying that she will probably leave me like everyone else has, and I will die alone, and I just get worse with every passing moment.

How horrible to be living with anxiety which is so severe. I can understand as I used to have very severe anxiety as well. It's absolutely exhausting .

What kind of treatment are you receiving? Have you ever gone to speak to someone about this?

This other issue is a side issue which can be dealt with in your therapy sessions. It's a way to try and desperately gain some sort of control. As you can see, it's not a workable solution to easing your anxiety. It actually places MORE control to the whims of circumstance and other people, and further takes it away from your self. Managing your anxiety has to begin with an inward approach - learning to self soothe and manage your life in a way that minimizes anxiety.

I think it is reasonable to have boundaries as far as consideration with those you chose to have close to you. If you have plans, and the other is running late, a text or phone call is a considerate thing to do. That's true even for those who do not have anxiety issues. What you talking about though - having to report all comings and goings to you - is more about control . You do yourself as well as her a disservice by attempting to excuse that behaviour away because of your anxiety.

I hope you will reply back. Having first hand experience myself in the difference in quality of life when anxiety is debilitating ( and you are describing what I would consider to be debilitating to leading your life to its full) , and then life after treatment - I would like with all my heart to help in any way to supporting you on a path where anxiety does not rule your life.

OP, your anxiety is not her problem to fix.

You need treatment that is independent of her. What you are doing now and what you expect of her would be intolerable for most people; you need to address your own problems without attempting to control her this way.

If you don't get a handle on it, the relationship will end. Trying to make her behave the way you want is not the solution.

No, you are the problem in this situation. If you two have plans, then yes if she's running late she should give you a call, but you aren't here father, and she's not 14. She doesn't have to tell you where she is. Instead of "why can't she drop a message, she doesn't love me waaahhh," couldn't she think "why doesn't he trust me?"

Work on your insecurities, because otherwise your need to control her will be the demise of your relationship.

I disagree that each needs to treat the other the same; rather, each according to each ones capacity.

You miss my point, I was saying if he isn't even doing this (at least trying towards her) then he is a hypocrite. What I am saying is he is asking for the impossible on an unreasonable task, which is further emphasized if he's not even doing it. Like I said, no partner should feel like they have to update each other, but if you're demanding and critisizing your partner for something you don't even do then you're nothing but a hypocrite and/or asking for an impossible task.

While your request that she reports back to you whenever she goes somewhere doesn't seem unreasonable to YOU, to her it probably comes across as you being suffocating and controlling. Be careful, you'll eventually shoot yourself in the foot. These are your issues and maybe time for you to start looking into getting professional help. She's not going to put up with this forever. Get help.

You miss my point, I was saying if he isn't even doing this (at least trying towards her) then he is a hypocrite. What I am saying is he is asking for the impossible on an unreasonable task, which is further emphasized if he's not even doing it. Like I said, no partner should feel like they have to update each other, but if you're demanding and critisizing your partner for something you don't even do then you're nothing but a hypocrite and/or asking for an impossible task.

I also advised him to manage his anxiety, as it is part of who he is and therefore he may as well accept it and find a way to be responsible for it.

The point of yours with which I disagree is a minor point: but to use the OP's relationship as an example: Perhaps the OP WOULD check in every time he changed location. So what, she wouldn't care to receive all of those messages. Their needs are different and their capacities are different, therefore how they interact is different. Another example: Let's say one partner is an introvert. One partner is an extrovert. The extrovert is angry because the introvert clams up when they disagree. But of course the introvert clams up; the introvert needs time to process privately before speaking.

Its not about mirroring exactly. Its about each person interacting to the best of their capacity.

The OP is struggling because his capacity is less than his own needs, much less hers. He isn't ready for a relationship until he learns to take care of himself. Until then, he is looking for someone else to be responsible for him -- that's codepedent and will undermine every relationship he is in until he accepts the weight of his own feelings.