What do you love (or miss) about being single?

I've been single for way too long, and honestly, I've been feeling really frustrated about it. I've felt like I'm one of the only single people left in a world where everyone foudn a partner but me. I spent a lot of time wondering what was wrong with me for being single.

I'm working on changing all of that. My self esteem is coming up. My self love is rising. I'm gradually realizing that there is nothing wrong with me, I'm a great person!

And i've resisted my singleness for so long. But it's something I don't have a lot of control over at the moment, unless I want to jump into the wrong relationship just for the sake of being single (which i dont!)

So I'm trying to work on accepting, embracing, and loving being single. If there's not much I can do to change it, I might as well shift my perspective and learn to love it!

This is a big shift for me and will take some time to really start feeling, and so I could use the help from many of you out there!!! What do you love, or miss, about being single?

I'm struggling a bit to get started with this, and that's ok. I'm sure it will pick up momentum as I learn to be happier with my life.

One thing that I can think of is the freedom. The freedom to go where I want, do what I want, and also to avoid what I don't want. I understand this intellectually, though I don't quite feel the joy in this freedom yet. But with time I hope I will learn to appreciate that a bit more.

Another is that nobody is there to make me feel bad about myself, so my self esteem is pretty high. Yes, I'm aware that a good relationship is probably amazing for self esteem, but I'm looking for anything I can get right now lol. And I'm remembering, a lifetime ago, how absolutely terrible a guy made me feel about myself before he walked out of my life. Nothing I did was ever good enough, everything I said was always wrong. So right now I can work on embracing the fact that I don't feel chained to somebody who makes me feel bad about myself.

It's not much, but it's a start. Baby steps!!! My goal is to release the resistance, to learn to love and embrace my single life!

Can you guys help? What is something you love about single? Or if you arent single anymore, even if your relationship is great, what is something good about being single that you miss, something that I could be appreciating a bit more of right now??

Thanks for your help!!!!

I miss nothing about being single but sometimes I miss the space I had being childless - now I mostly have "pressured alone time" (to coin a Faraday phrase -love that phrase!) - and I get stressed when I feel like I don't have time to use the restroom in peace, or have toast that is still warm because of the "can I" from my son, etc. I didn't know I had that space actually until it was taken away lol. But this is only sometimes - and more rarely. I chose these blessings and most of the time it feels like I won the lottery. I personally feel freer being married because when I was single I felt restricted in how I spent my free time -i.e. if I wasn't spending it dating or looking for a husband!

I miss taking the time to do my hair/put on makeup/accessorize/dress nicely. I wasn't a big fashion person at all or into wearing lots of makeup but it's that basic added self-care that really has to go by the wayside much of the time. I do insist on keeping slim and fit and healthy and I take that time - and am very territorial over it - to get daily exercise and eat as properly as possible.

Sometimes I miss going out at night - too tired these days and too busy getting stuff done at home, at night - I spent many years doing regular nights on the town, lots of cultural events, etc - so I feel like I got my fill of it in one sense. If I wasn't getting up at 6 or earlier every morning I'd probably go out on my own or get a sitter and go out (I didn't drink/get drunk or party in that sense but I went to lots of places where people did and danced up a storm).

Good luck in enjoying just living and being healthy and active - it's a wonderful thing, relationship or no (I got married at 42 so I had plenty of single life experiences!)

1.) You can come and go as you please. You spend your days off doing whatever you want and never have to get dragged to some event as the "And Guest."

2.) You completely call the shots as far as your finances go. Spend (or save/invest) your money as you see fit.

3.) You can set goals for yourself and work on them unfettered. Even a healthy relationship can sometimes sabotage you in certain ways.

4.) You come home to peace and quiet. You can come home after work and relax rather than having someone vomiting his/her needs and wants all over you.

5.) Your space is your space to make exactly how you want it. I'm not relegated to some "man cave." My whole house is my man cave.

6.) What do you want to watch tonight? Guess what; that's what you're watching. What do you want for dinner? Guess what; that's what you're having for dinner.

I could go on and on. When I got out of a bad, suffocating relationship several years ago I really reveled in these things. Lately, honestly they haven't been bringing me as much happiness, but I think that's largely because my last two relationships were ones that I didn't want to see end, at least not when they did. This was kind of a good reminder to me to take advantage of being single. I'd like to find someone again, but, in the meantime I really need to remember that life really isn't so bad on the single side and to live it up while I can.

I’ve found that the best relationships that I’ve had are with women who are perfectly happy doing what their own single thing and don’t feel the need to be around me constantly. They may want that but don’t need it. In those relationships, quality time is stressed over quantity. That way, I get to enjoy my single time, minus the “single and seeing other women part” of course lol. I have kids at home as well so that furthers the “quality over quantity” aspect.

Watching whatever I want on TV. For 25 years I have had to wait until he goes to bed or just commandeer the TV .

I miss nothing about being single but sometimes I miss the space I had being childless - now I mostly have "pressured alone time" (to coin a Faraday phrase -love that phrase!) - and I get stressed when I feel like I don't have time to use the restroom in peace, or have toast that is still warm because of the "can I" from my son, etc. I didn't know I had that space actually until it was taken away lol. But this is only sometimes - and more rarely. I chose these blessings and most of the time it feels like I won the lottery. I personally feel freer being married because when I was single I felt restricted in how I spent my free time -i.e. if I wasn't spending it dating or looking for a husband!

 

I miss taking the time to do my hair/put on makeup/accessorize/dress nicely. I wasn't a big fashion person at all or into wearing lots of makeup but it's that basic added self-care that really has to go by the wayside much of the time. I do insist on keeping slim and fit and healthy and I take that time - and am very territorial over it - to get daily exercise and eat as properly as possible.

 

Sometimes I miss going out at night - too tired these days and too busy getting stuff done at home, at night - I spent many years doing regular nights on the town, lots of cultural events, etc - so I feel like I got my fill of it in one sense. If I wasn't getting up at 6 or earlier every morning I'd probably go out on my own or get a sitter and go out (I didn't drink/get drunk or party in that sense but I went to lots of places where people did and danced up a storm).

 

Good luck in enjoying just living and being healthy and active - it's a wonderful thing, relationship or no (I got married at 42 so I had plenty of single life experiences!)

Thank you!!! I guess you don't actually have to MISS being single, just help me see the positives that I'm overlooking. I do love my alone space, and having had a roommate until recently, I can have extra appreciation for this.

Another way to embrace my single life is embrace going out at night, as you mentioned. I didn't think of this. It's tricky, because when you are single it starts to get frustrating if you start going out hoping to find someone. But if I go out at nights just to enjoy my freedom, that is awesome. And next time I go out at night I will remind myself that an awesome part of being single is that I get to go out at night!

Also, I think it is wonderful to hear that you got married at 42 and had plenty of single life. I'm 33 and have been single most of my life. It's nice to hear success stories later and know that I still have time

Thank you!

1.) You can come and go as you please. You spend your days off doing whatever you want and never have to get dragged to some event as the "And Guest."

 

2.) You completely call the shots as far as your finances go. Spend (or save/invest) your money as you see fit.

 

3.) You can set goals for yourself and work on them unfettered. Even a healthy relationship can sometimes sabotage you in certain ways.

 

4.) You come home to peace and quiet. You can come home after work and relax rather than having someone vomiting his/her needs and wants all over you.

 

5.) Your space is your space to make exactly how you want it. I'm not relegated to some "man cave." My whole house is my man cave.

 

6.) What do you want to watch tonight? Guess what; that's what you're watching. What do you want for dinner? Guess what; that's what you're having for dinner.

 

I could go on and on. When I got out of a bad, suffocating relationship several years ago I really reveled in these things. Lately, honestly they haven't been bringing me as much happiness, but I think that's largely because my last two relationships were ones that I didn't want to see end, at least not when they did. This was kind of a good reminder to me to take advantage of being single. I'd like to find someone again, but, in the meantime I really need to remember that life really isn't so bad on the single side and to live it up while I can.

You are right! I have a lot of control and freedom. Control over what I want to spend my free time doing. Freedom and freetime to pursue my personal goals (I have a lot of them). And its' hard enough to pursue goals just with the obligations of life when im single. Let alone having someone else's obligations. Control and freedom to make my apartment my own place.

As for the afterwork needs vomiting, my last roommate was very emotional and she did that every day after work. And we weren't even in a relationship! So I already appreciate it!

I guess some actions I can take away from this is....

1. Remember when I'm pursuing personal goals that it is easier because I'm single.

2. Enjoy a night of watching whatever I want and eating wahtever I want for dinner!

3. Enjoy setting up my new home exactly as I want.

Thank you!!!

Watching whatever I want on TV. For 25 years I have had to wait until he goes to bed or just commandeer the TV .

Next time I binge netflix I will remind myself that being single means I can watch whatever I want whenever I want!

Thank you!

Thank you!!! I guess you don't actually have to MISS being single, just help me see the positives that I'm overlooking. I do love my alone space, and having had a roommate until recently, I can have extra appreciation for this.

 

Another way to embrace my single life is embrace going out at night, as you mentioned. I didn't think of this. It's tricky, because when you are single it starts to get frustrating if you start going out hoping to find someone. But if I go out at nights just to enjoy my freedom, that is awesome. And next time I go out at night I will remind myself that an awesome part of being single is that I get to go out at night!

 

Also, I think it is wonderful to hear that you got married at 42 and had plenty of single life. I'm 33 and have been single most of my life. It's nice to hear success stories later and know that I still have time

 

Thank you!

I just don't relate to the concept of "freedom" as in presuming that single people all have more freedom than married people - I don't think it's generally true. For you it is true -you see it as "freedom" to come and go when you please - but that means you would see it as a loss of freedom to check in with a partner as to your comings and goings (depending on the relationship and what boundaries you have). I wouldn't presume that single people have more "freedom" or that couples have less "freedom" - it's a very individual thing. Being a parent is a bit different in the sense that if you cannot find or afford an appropriate caregiver, then you cannot go out and leave your young child all alone and then you are not free to run to the store to get snack cakes at 9pm because you have an urge for them - you then have to have them delivered lol (and you are not free to eat them in your child's presence without sharing but it feels very freeing to sneak, lol).

I didn't want plenty of single life. It was painful and I got in my own way, I was terrified of never having the opportunity to conceive a child, of never having a spouse. But I actually did enjoy being single -I had a fun fulfilling life despite what I just wrote. And my desperation to marry subsided in my 30s -not because I gave up or anything -I just gained in confidence and had far more of my own life to be satisfied with and enjoy . But I never ever tried to convince myself that being single had benefits over being married/having a family. It did not for me. I understand others feel differently.

I like not having to be accountable to anyone but myself. I like being able to go to a dance venue and get a girl's number if we clicked. I like that I'm the attractive "up-and-coming," available guy who many women want. And I like the extra time I have to work on myself.

 

I didn't want plenty of single life. It was painful and I got in my own way, I was terrified of never having the opportunity to conceive a child, of never having a spouse. But I actually did enjoy being single -I had a fun fulfilling life despite what I just wrote. And my desperation to marry subsided in my 30s -not because I gave up or anything -I just gained in confidence and had far more of my own life to be satisfied with and enjoy . But I never ever tried to convince myself that being single had benefits over being married/having a family. It did not for me. I understand others feel differently.

I understand that feeling. And I would much rather have a loving relationship. But that is not in the cards for me right now, so rather than spend all my energy resisting my situation i'm just trying to see and accentuate what few positives I can. Please keep it positive for me, I dont want to spiral back down. Thank you!

I like not having to be accountable to anyone but myself. I like being able to go to a dance venue and get a girl's number if we clicked. I like that I'm the attractive "up-and-coming," available guy who many women want. And I like the extra time I have to work on myself.

 

Nice. I can enjoy flirting with people with no guilt! Thank you!

Nice. I can enjoy flirting with people with no guilt! Thank you!

Absolutely, enjoy

I love that my time is absolutely my own so I can say YES to whatever catches my interest at whim.

It's a freedom unique to being single and I definitely find that I do a lot more and a lot more interesting and adventurous things as a result simply because you don't have to call your SO to change/cancel plans or explain why you were out of cell phone reach all weekend.

Also, yes all the flirting and attention from the opposite sex, definitely nice to indulge in that, go out on various dates, meet new people, etc.

Single two years, never wanted that freedom, to go out, to watch whatever I want, spend whatever I want. But then, I’ve never dated anyone who significantly impinged on those freedoms either. Not quite the answer you are looking for, but two years in I feel normal, not like something is missing. And there’s a silver lining, which is personal development (so much of it) and much stronger friendship network.

The positives:

Having the entire bed all to yourself. (Dude, king-sized beds + 9000 pillows are awesome.)

Being able to sit around in your pajamas all day without getting a sideways glance.

Alllll the pet snuggles belong to you. (If you have pets.)

Similarly, all the kiddo snuggles belong to you. (If you have kids.)

No commentary if you change your outfit 12 times before deciding what to wear. (You don't even have to pick up the clothes if you don't want to!)

Breakfast for dinner. (no judgment)

All the DVR space you could possibly want.

Your free time is yours to spend how you want. All of it.

Opposite-gendered friends and no angst about perceptions.

Learning all the things about yourself.

...I'm sure there are others. lol

I understand that feeling. And I would much rather have a loving relationship. But that is not in the cards for me right now, so rather than spend all my energy resisting my situation i'm just trying to see and accentuate what few positives I can. Please keep it positive for me, I dont want to spiral back down. Thank you!

I am keeping it positive and to do so I don't think you have to point out any perceived negatives about relationships. And in fact if the focus shifts too much to the perceived negatives it won't feel as positive to be single because you'll realize you're accentuating negatives and not being totally honest with yourself. Based on your definition of freedom and your definition of what you like to do with your free time (i.e. be able to dance with women you meet, etc), and that you think you will have more time to work on yourself while single as opposed to being in a relationship then being single is definitely preferable for your lifestyle.

I've been thinking about this a lot today. Trying to find excitement in the fact that I'm single. And to be honest, a lot of things, like being able to watch a TV show, doesn't really excite me as much as having someone to fall asleep with .

One good one that I came up with today though is that I am free to move. A year ago I took a big leap and moved to my dream city. What an amazing adventure it has been! And lately I have been thinking about moving again to another part of the country that I have always wanted to go. While couples move together all the time, and its probably easier to move somewhere new WITH someone, this is definitely a huge thing that i love about being single. It is really easy for me to move across the country, and is something that I want to do. If the fates are going to demand I stay single for who knows how long, one way I can make the most of it is by taking huge leaps to explore !

Yeah!

I'll keep working on finding and implementing the positives of being single. Thanks for all of your help so far everyone!

My goal is to love being single. Not to the point that I turn down potential relationships, but to the point that I dont spend all my time hating my situation, and instead really just embrace and enjoy it! And maybe make some of my partnered friends a little jealous??? lol

Moving is a good one. Sometimes I think about moving, but I can't because my boyfriend would have to uproot as well. He's open to it, but it won't be a good idea for a least a couple of years. If we weren't together, I'd probably transfer my job oversees. Maybe Asia. That's one thing I'm missing out on: exploration. But I'd rather be with him, and that's no small thing.

I also stayed single when I went to graduate school at age 30. I spent the first two years concentrating solely on my degree. I felt that dating would be too much of a distraction. During the third year, I did start to date again because, come on. I'm only human.

Even since I was a teenager, I felt there was importance to being single and (it sounds silly now) made a point of taking at least a month to myself between relationships.

And to be honest, a lot of things, like being able to watch a TV show, doesn't really excite me as much as having someone to fall asleep with

Yeah, control and freedom don't ring any major bells for me, either. Those aren't just 'perks' to me.

I think being single is hands-down preferable to being in a relationship if, in your relationship, you don't have creature comforts or financial freedom, your personal goals are sabotaged, you can't share space or find common interests with your partner, your partner tries to make you feel bad about yourself, or s/he keeps you wondering about things. That's goodbye fast. At least it should be, in my opinion. A relationship should not be uncomfortable.

I think there's a very important part to being single, and that is figuring out what you like and don't like. I think it's a great way to get to know yourself. Right before I got together with my boyfriend, I'd sworn off dating. I was 35 at the time and I just kept meeting bitter guys, or indecisive guys. I had a couple of experiences where my gut said "run," but my brain said, "let's just find out," and my gut turned out to be right. I learned to recognize a pattern of behavior, and rather than waste time, I cut off communication when I saw "the signs."

This eventually lead me to a point where preferred being alone to navigating the weird world of dating. I just started to appreciate and enjoy my simple, day to day life, without the unnecessary worry about this guy or that guy. Then my now-boyfriend came along and added himself to my life, no games. And I made room for him. And it works really well. But I don't I would have gotten here with him if I hadn't felt so well-centered when we started dating. And I felt that way because I'd taken so much time in my life to just be single. Both of us agree that our respective experiences throughout our 20s and 30s prepared us to appreciate each other and what we could build.

So, maybe think of being single as an investment in your future.

"Yeah, control and freedom don't ring any major bells for me, either. Those aren't just 'perks' to me."

Same here. I love what Jibralta wrote. I know several single people who are not free to move anywhere because of family responsibilities, such as to aging parents. Today I am jealous of people who can have free time during the day - like, 30-40 minutes - to exercise however he/she pleases -indoors/outdoors, etc. - I have the solo parenting/somewhat under the weather child who was up a lot at night, combo situation. Obviously someone can be single and have that situation, too, but it's more typical for partnered people like me so whoever wanted a bit of jealousy -yes, just for today, thanks!

The positives:

 

Having the entire bed all to yourself. (Dude, king-sized beds + 9000 pillows are awesome.)

Thank you for mentioning this. I definitely embraced this this morning as i stretched out across my bed !!!

I've been thinking about this a lot today. Trying to find excitement in the fact that I'm single. And to be honest, a lot of things, like being able to watch a TV show, doesn't really excite me as much as having someone to fall asleep with .

 

One good one that I came up with today though is that I am free to move. A year ago I took a big leap and moved to my dream city. What an amazing adventure it has been! And lately I have been thinking about moving again to another part of the country that I have always wanted to go. While couples move together all the time, and its probably easier to move somewhere new WITH someone, this is definitely a huge thing that i love about being single. It is really easy for me to move across the country, and is something that I want to do. If the fates are going to demand I stay single for who knows how long, one way I can make the most of it is by taking huge leaps to explore !

 

Yeah!

 

I'll keep working on finding and implementing the positives of being single. Thanks for all of your help so far everyone!

 

My goal is to love being single. Not to the point that I turn down potential relationships, but to the point that I dont spend all my time hating my situation, and instead really just embrace and enjoy it! And maybe make some of my partnered friends a little jealous??? lol

You can definitely get there - it takes effort in finding a group, a community, hobbies that you REALLY enjoy (for me it's ballroom!!), and keeping your days busy. I agree - watching TV alone is boring.

Remove negatives from your life (fix things you don't like about yourself), and add positives (mentioned above, social groups etc.) and you'll get there faster than you think.

Jibs wrote everything I wanted to write . Too bad I cannot spread some reputation

 

Yeah, control and freedom don't ring any major bells for me, either. Those aren't just 'perks' to me.

 

I think being single is hands-down preferable to being in a relationship if, in your relationship, you don't have creature comforts or financial freedom, your personal goals are sabotaged, you can't share space or find common interests with your partner, your partner tries to make you feel bad about yourself, or s/he keeps you wondering about things. That's goodbye fast. At least it should be, in my opinion. A relationship should not be uncomfortable.

Yeah for sure! I'm realizing from this post that a lot of things people mention about freedom, hopefully won't be an issue for me in the right relationship. Like being able to go out at night etc. I guess it's showing to me that I will do best with a partner who allows me to maintain my sense of freedom to an extent. Of course its differnet when kids are involved etc.

And I definitely had to mention some things from a long ago relationship where they made me feel lousy about myself. That wouldn't be an issue in a good relationship. So I would value a partner who builds me up and makes me feel good about myself.

Certain things mentioned won't be an issue in the right relationship for me, but worth embracing as single, because they would be an issue in the wrong relationship. And I am often told it's better to be single than to be in the wrong relationship.

I think there's a very important part to being single, and that is figuring out what you like and don't like. I think it's a great way to get to know yourself. Right before I got together with my boyfriend, I'd sworn off dating. I was 35 at the time and I just kept meeting bitter guys, or indecisive guys. I had a couple of experiences where my gut said "run," but my brain said, "let's just find out," and my gut turned out to be right. I learned to recognize a pattern of behavior, and rather than waste time, I cut off communication when I saw "the signs." [/Quote]

 

My gut seems to be right about most things. Even if my mind doesn't necessarily believe it initially. Some red flags are so subtle that we rationalize our way out of them quickly. It's hard to know though, when I am doing that, or when I'm just overreacting to things.

 

This eventually lead me to a point where preferred being alone to navigating the weird world of dating. I just started to appreciate and enjoy my simple, day to day life, without the unnecessary worry about this guy or that guy. Then my now-boyfriend came along and added himself to my life, no games. And I made room for him. And it works really well. But I don't I would have gotten here with him if I hadn't felt so well-centered when we started dating. And I felt that way because I'd taken so much time in my life to just be single. Both of us agree that our respective experiences throughout our 20s and 30s prepared us to appreciate each other and what we could build.

 

So, maybe think of being single as an investment in your future.

 

That's a sweet story

Some red flags are so subtle that we rationalize our way out of them quickly. It's hard to know though, when I am doing that, or when I'm just overreacting to things.

That is so true.