I know I'm suicidal

For whatever reason, I grew up being suicidal. I can recall being six years old and wishing I was dead. I fantasized about it regularly. All the way into my mid-20s. As result of whatever self-work I did in my mid-20s I hit a strange/surreal point: I stopped thinking about suicide but not on purpose. On some random day, i said in my mind, "What a minute. I haven't thought about suicide in maybe months."

I literally fantasized about it as soon I woke. My mind always wandered there. It was normal (doing it since I was a small child).

I find myself there again. Wishing I was dead. Making plans in my mind. Wondering how to do this. Wondering about the consequences. Timing. I'm not surprised I feel this way again. I certainly wasn't asking for it but here it is. I have a strong suspicion I will do it one day. Maybe heavy medication will help but I'm not sure if I care too much. Hm. So that's it.

That's hard. What do you plan to do about that state? Or what do you want to do about that?

From what you describe, it sounds like you have a chemical imbalance. That may be why you stopped thinking about suicide in your mid-20s. All those hormones you had as a teenager leveled off for a while. But now those thoughts have come back.

You have to tell yourself that these are false thoughts. It's those pesky chemicals stirring things up. There are things that can get your mind off of it.

Make sure you talk with someone every day, preferably face to face. Make a schedule for yourself every day and stick to it, no matter what.

Get out in the sun or into nature for at least 30 minutes a day. That really helps a lot.

Exercise daily whether it's going to the gym or just taking a walk. Try to do at least 30 minutes a day.

Try to do things that you like to do. Treat yourself to Starbucks or a breakfast at a local diner. Soak in the tub or read a book. Get out in the world and go to museums and attractions. Take up a hobby or go out on dates. Write about things in your diary. Go shopping or buy something on a whim. Do yoga. Try to distract yourself.

Try seeing a doctor. However, your goal should not be to heavily medicate yourself but to find a better solution. You can also try herbal compounds or Chinese medicine. Talk to a therapist.

Suicide is never the answer and your feelings can change from time to time. No good ever comes from anyone's suicide.