Dad is mad that I'm going on dates with...

...a guy named Mike who is divorced, with 2 kids of his own. Mike's ex-wife and two kids live in Virginia; as you can see from my profile information, I'm 33 years old and live in New England. Mike is 31 and made it clear to me that, while he does pay child support, his "kids and ex have their own lives in Virginia."

I don't want kids; I'm also autistic. My mom and dad are both like, "He has so much baggage! Keep in mind that his kids will always come first before you!"

Honestly? And I'm not just saying this I get a sense that while Mike does love his children, he's not in their lives that much at all. And obviously, I am really liking Mike. I want to keep seeing him. (But I don't want to get married, ever.)

Obviously, I needed to rant. I did eventually say to my mom, "Look, it's just a few dates. Dinner and a movie. Let's all calm down."

All feedback/opinions welcome.

Why are you wanting to date someone that is long distance? What is the point in that unless you're looking for a sex buddy that you'll only see when one of you saves up enough money to get to the other?

Where did you meet this guy and how do you know what he tells you is the truth?

Why are you wanting to date someone that is long distance?

Mike lives in Massachusetts now. His ex wife and kids live in Virginia.

What is the point in that unless you're looking for a sex buddy that you'll only see when one of you saves up enough money to get to the other?

I would never just be a sex buddy. I would love to spend quality time with him.

Where did you meet this guy and how do you know what he tells you is the truth?

Mike and I met on Tinder; we then connected via Facebook and have been on a few dates now.

Mike lives in Massachusetts now. His ex wife and kids live in Virginia.

 

 

I would never just be a sex buddy. I would love to spend quality time with him.

 

 

Mike and I met on Tinder; we then connected via Facebook and have been on a few dates now.

Would you be happy with a man that had very little to do with his own children? You lament that you don't think he has much to do with them. Does that not speak to a shirker or someone who lacks responsibility to you?

I agree with Thatwasthen.

Would you be happy with a man that had very little to do with his own children? You lament that you don't think he has much to do with them. Does that not speak to a shirker or someone who lacks responsibility to you?

I believe he sees them once a month. And he does pay child support. I’m actually still not totally sure what the whole situation is.

Someone who ignores kids he created is no stellar prize. At least not to me. Shows integral lack of moral fiber.

Someone who ignores kids he created is no stellar prize. At least not to me. Shows integral lack of moral fiber.

He sees them once a month and pays child support. His ex wife (obviously) has full custody.

He sees them once a month and pays child support. His ex wife (obviously) has full custody.

Once a month is not enough to see your kids.

He lives in Massachusetts now. His ex wife and kids in virginia. After the divorce was final he moved back to Massachusetts because he had a breakdown (similar to mine, actually) and needed help. .

And yes, he got the help he needed and is all better now. If he wasn’t, trust me, I wouldn’t be seeing him.

And yes, he got the help he needed and is all better now. If he wasn’t, trust me, I wouldn’t be seeing him.

You've only been on a few dates with him. I don't think you're in a position to be saying (with certainty) that he's "better now." Be careful Tulip.

...a guy named Mike who is divorced, with 2 kids of his own.

 

I don't want kids; I'm also autistic. My mom and dad are both like, "He has so much baggage! Keep in mind that his kids will always come first before you!"

Your parents are absolutely right - his children will always come before you. If you never want children then you are dating the wrong guy. They are a package deal and always will be. Seems a pointless exercise.

You've only been on a few dates with him. I don't think you're in a position to be saying (with certainty) that he's "better now." Be careful Tulip.

Thanks for looking out for me. I once heard, “Trust your gut instinct, because no matter what, it’s always right.”

A married guy from high school last year asked me to meet him at Panara. I felt really weird about that, so I said, “We’re old friends meeting for coffee? Are you sure your wife won’t mind?” He said, “Hopefully she’ll see it that way.” I blocked him from Facebook.

I felt totally awkward when I went on a drive with a guy during college one night. He later said he had a few beers. (I believe I have a guardian angel.)

My gut is telling me Mike is genuinely a good guy. I’m trusting that.

Thanks for feedback.

Your parents are absolutely right - his children will always come before you.

His kids live 7 hours away. He says he sees them once a month and that’s it. (Maybe twice a month in the years to follow, he mentioned.) He also said when they get older they will probably FaceTime.

Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell—-Kate Hudson said she considers Kurt to be her father. (Even said she “doesn’t know her real father from a hole in the wall.”)

I don't understand where the analogy to Goldie Hawn comes from?.

This situation does not look good. My opinion.

Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell—-Kate Hudson said she considers Kurt to be her father. (Even said she “doesn’t know her real father from a hole in the wall.”)

Wouldn't you rather date the man who steps up to the plate, and NOT date the hole in the wall?

Mike left young children to be raised by his ex wife, alone. You can make whatever excuses you want for him, but bottom line is that it takes a very self-centered person to excuse himself from parenthood like that. This is a grown man that we're speaking of.

Do you think the mother will leave the children when she has her nervous breakdown?

Also, child support is a joke. The average monthly payment in this country is less than $500 ($6000K per year!!).

How do you think the kids feel about having a mostly-absentee father?

Wouldn't you rather date the man who steps up to the plate, and NOT date the hole in the wall?

 

Mike left young children to be raised by his ex wife, alone. You can make whatever excuses you want for him, but bottom line is that it takes a very self-centered person to excuse himself from parenthood like that. This is a grown man that we're speaking of.

 

Do you think the mother will leave the children when she has her nervous breakdown?

 

Also, child support is a joke. The average monthly payment in this country is less than $500 ($6000K per year!!).

Exactly. I had a nervous breakdown and never left my child.

Thanks for looking out for me. I once heard, “Trust your gut instinct, because no matter what, it’s always right.”

 

A married guy from high school last year asked me to meet him at Panara. I felt really weird about that, so I said, “We’re old friends meeting for coffee? Are you sure your wife won’t mind?” He said, “Hopefully she’ll see it that way.” I blocked him from Facebook.

 

I felt totally awkward when I went on a drive with a guy during college one night. He later said he had a few beers. (I believe I have a guardian angel.)

 

My gut is telling me Mike is genuinely a good guy. I’m trusting that.

 

Thanks for feedback.

I don't think it's your gut talking. You think it is -I think you're biased because you're enjoying the little rebellion against your own father and because this guy is ultimately unavailable so it's safe to date him since you don't want marriage or kids and he can't give you either of those things. Is he on meds for his nervous breakdown?

I don't understand where the analogy to Goldie Hawn comes from.

Kate Hudson (Goldie’s daughter) does not consider her birth father to be her real father at all. She considers Kurt Russell to be her father. I have a feeling Mike’s kids will end up in a similar situation.

Kate Hudson (Goldie’s daughter) does not consider her birth father to be her real father at all. She considers Kurt Russell to be her father. I have a feeling Mike’s kids will end up in a similar situation.

Please do not compare your situation or his to celebrities. You really have no clue. And it doesn't matter how this person's children will end up -you don't want to marry him and you don't want to be a mother. All that matters is whether you believe that this person has character and integrity overall.

Exactly. I had a nervous breakdown and never left my child.

Mike was suicidal last year because he wasn’t understanding how to do his job; he felt his children would be better off without him and even had a suicide plan. When his plan was found out he was talked down from the roof and rescued.

All that matters is whether you believe that this person has character and integrity overall.

Yes. He does have that. If all of you met him and looked at his Facebook profile you’d all get a much better picture of him. Please stop saying untrue things.

Kate Hudson (Goldie’s daughter) does not consider her birth father to be her real father at all. She considers Kurt Russell to be her father. I have a feeling Mike’s kids will end up in a similar situation.

This does not replace a dad that you already know. I have had 2 step dad's who I loved dearly but I know I have a birth father who I lived with for 15 years and I love him. He was so an absentee dad a lot of the time and it HURTS A PERSON SEVERELY EMOTIONALLY. So that is what he's doing to his kids .