My brother's military career vs family

Hey guys, happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

This is too long to type out so I will bullet point the situation. If you want/need more info or clarification, just say so. And thank you for your insight.

-Brother was a major player in highschool, back and forth between two main girls ("Ashley" and "Amy") for years.

-He got one of the girls "Ashley" pregnant in highschool. The boy is now 6 years old.

-He joined the military after highschool, came home on leave and intended to marry "Amy", changed his mind about a week before he came home and married "Ashley" instead (I assume he wanted to marry for $$$ benefits, and he chose "Ashley" because he could trust her)

-Over the next few years they had two more boys (Now 2 years and 6 months)

-Brother is stationed in Alaska and was intending on doing three months of training in the field so his wife came home to Ohio, ended up not doing the training so they've been apart for the last year or so. Brother calls to talk to kids maybe 1-2x a week for 5-10min, has been going out drinking 3-4x a week, blowing money at the bar and getting huge, expensive tattoos. (He's living the bachelor life)

-Brother had an affair with wife's best friend, wife found out, they went to counseling twice, stayed together.

-Brother has now asked wife for a divorce, will be coming home for Christmas for 3 weeks, and is leaving the military in about 10 months.

-Brother plans on going on a three day trip to Nashville with his military friends (whom he's been with in Alaska for the last year) for New Years celebration during his 3 weeks at home.

-Says he's planning on moving to North Carolina when he gets out of the military.

So, I finally told him off. He's been an absent father for atleast two years now, and a terrible husband for the entirety of his marriage. His oldest son has become a complete jerk, to the point that my husband and I really don't like him around our daughter. His two year old wouldn't recognize him. I told him that going on a guys trip when he should be spending time recreating a relationship with his kids was completely irresponsible. I told him that his kids are in Ohio so that's where he needs to be, not North Carolina. I'm pissed that he chose to bring two more little boys into the world but will not accept the responsibility of raising them. I don't like him anymore. I feel like I don't know him anymore.

Does anyone here have military experience? Can anyone help me understand his point of view? I'm trying not to hate him, but I really can't stand that he puts himself before his kids. I cannot fathom not seeing my kids for a year, and choosing to leave them again for a guys trip. I don't even want to be around him, but he's my brother and I love him. Help me understand...please.

Sorry for your understandable frustration with him. This sounds more like immaturity/irresponsibility than anything military related.

My husband is military and has never acted that way. Nor do any of the military families around me as I live on base . Some people just act like crappy fathers and husbands no matter where they are military really doesn’t have much to do with it .

I don't think it's military-related, either. It's just who he is.

Sorry for your understandable frustration with him. This sounds more like immaturity/irresponsibility than anything military related.

I agree. I have family members in the military and don't see a connection with your brother's behavior.

It might be a good thing that you've been open and direct with him.

I served in the US Marines.

The Marines I knew made living arrangements so that their family would live in the same base.

Sounds like your brother wants to have a good time without the responsibly of fatherhood plus he has no filter.

This reckless lifestyle will carry on when he gets out in 10 months.

Sorry but I think your brother will be going to Jail in the near future if he doesn't finally man up.

Well shoot...not what I was hoping to hear, but I do appreciate the validation you guys. Thank you.

It's a pity for the kids because they will not have a pleasant and stable upbringing..... Does he pay child support?

It so hard to watch family make bad choices. Especially choices that hurt their family. It seems pretty clear he has no interest in his children. That's super disappointing. But there isn't much you can do about it. It's his choice. If I was in your shoes I would try to stay connected to his kids as best as I could and stop inviting him into my life. He can make whatever choices he wants but you don't have to watch. He hasn't felt the consequences of his choices yet. And by the time he feels it with his kids it'll probably be to late.

Dias: they've only announced their divorce about three weeks ago. He's providing financial support per agreement with his wife until the divorce is final, then he'll be paying child support. I wish he cared to be more than just a monthly check though...

Rosephase: you spoke my feelings exactly. I love those kids, they are so sweet, and I hate that the oldest has become so rotten. I do my best to help, but as an aunt, I wont have near the effect on him that a father figure would. I've even grown to love his wife and we are now good friends. My brother could have the cutest, sweetest little family, and

I'm sad for him that he doesn't appreciate it. He probably will never be able to look at his life, his wife and kids, and feel that overwhelmingly happy, heart full of love feeling.

He hasn't felt the consequences of his choices yet. And by the time he feels it with his kids it'll probably be to late.

Some people never feel those consequences.

I hate that the oldest has become so rotten.

The child is not rotten. Displaying challenging behavior, acting out, being difficult, perhaps, but I'd avoid derogatory labels. They don't help, and this child doesn't have it easy, family-wise.

The child is not rotten. Displaying challenging behavior, acting out, being difficult, perhaps, but I'd avoid derogatory labels. They don't help, and this child doesn't have it easy, family-wise.

Yes, having absentee dad is painful and kids act out pain in not so fun behaviour.

That's probably what gave me the strength to tell my brother off. I'm so mad that these kids will have to deal with his poor choices, and he doesn't even see or understand the effects it's having/will have on them. And my 6year old nephew has been such a good kid, but now that he's getting older we are seeing the bad habits. He's gone as far as to tell his guidance counselor that his mom and dad have both recently hit him (to be clear, we are 100% positive these are lies), when he asked to play PlayStation and my husband said no, his response was "okay well then I'm gonna fight you". It's just maddening how significantly it's affecting the poor guy, and yet my brother just says "he's a kid and boys will be boys." I just want to smack him! (My brother, not my nephew lol)

That's probably what gave me the strength to tell my brother off. I'm so mad that these kids will have to deal with his poor choices, and he doesn't even see or understand the effects it's having/will have on them. And my 6year old nephew has been such a good kid, but now that he's getting older we are seeing the bad habits. He's gone as far as to tell his guidance counselor that his mom and dad have both recently hit him (to be clear, we are 100% positive these are lies), when he asked to play PlayStation and my husband said no, his response was "okay well then I'm gonna fight you". It's just maddening how significantly it's affecting the poor guy, and yet my brother just says "he's a kid and boys will be boys." I just want to smack him! (My brother, not my nephew lol)

Then your husband and father should step up to be male figures in his life - doing things one on one with him when possible - things a dad would do. That will make a difference between him just going through a phase and turning into a jerk like his dad. And get the sister in laws permission for them to discipline him when he is out of line within her guidelines - unless she has no rules.