Is this normal?!

I met this guy at my gym earlier this year through a mutual friend. We hit it off immediately and started rock climbing once a week together (because you need a partner to belay you, right?), then it escalated to working out together 2-3/week for the last few months. At first it was just him giving me pointers about how to effectively work out, to now we're constantly coordinating to meet up at the gym, but also texting almost everyday in between.

Let me pause here and say- I'm married. And he has a girlfriend, and we both talk about our SO and relationship experiences (not too much in-depth) and what our SO is like. We keep topic of our SO pretty high level, almost just to acknowledge we both know where to draw the line between us. In the beginning I could tell he was being a bit flirty, the way he composed himself or asked questions, or how he was shy around me. And I probably reciprocated similar behavior to keep his interest going too. I didn't mean to lead him on at all, but I will say I wasn't all turn off by him, his personality or physique. We definitely draw the line at NOT touching each other, even if it's just shoulder tap. At the most maybe high five, but we ended up somehow spending 3 hours, x3 / week working out and climbing together to walking out of the gym together to bike back in the same direction to go home. People at the gym that know either one of us if have asked we're together, dating, or married, and we always politely say no but I can easily see why they'd think that.

We've also met at other gym locations to climb outside our regular gym, to take classes at parks, but absolutely NO plans to eat or drink together. Although he'll send me suggestions where to eat, and texts me where he'd go to dinner with this gf that I might like and should try it. We talk about food all the time, and what kind of drinks we like. Our conversations can get really awkward at times especially if I felt like we've crossed the line by texting way too much, or texting way too late into the night (MIDNIGHT), then I feel myself withdrawing back from him out of guilt and shame. For an example he texted me at 4am in the morning when he was going home drunk and definitely not sober.

ARE WE JUST FRIENDS?! IS THIS NOMRAL FOR A GUY WITH A GIRLFRIEND TO BE SO ENGAGED WITH A MARRIED WOMAN AT THIS LEVEL?

All this said, I haven't told anything to my SO about this guy and what kind of friendship level it has entered. My SO knows of his existence, but I haven't said a peep about us working out together or meeting up at different location to climb together. Because I'm afraid I'm going to loose a friend I feel a strong connection to, whether it's entirely platonic or slightly more. I know I'm being really dishonest to myself and my SO by not disclosing this information but it kills me to think anything will have to change. Also, I have no idea if this 'guy' has said anything about me to his girlfriend. Unless she's totally cool about it and this is a normal thing in their relationship? I haven't had the guts to ask him, or to address our more-than-normal-texting and working-out schedule. I'm absolutely torn, and it's been such an internal conflict.

Thanks for just reading...it helps to get this off my chest and if anyone has ANY ADVICE, I would so appreciate it.

then I feel myself withdrawing back from him out of guilt and shame. For an example he texted me at 4am in the morning when he was going home drunk and definitely not sober.

Are you crushing on this guy?

Did you at least tell him that doing that was inappropriate and to please not do it again? If you didn't, can I ask you why you didn't let him know that he crossed a line.

 

Are you crushing on this guy?

Of course she is.

OP, I'm sure you'd be thrilled to find out your husband was meeting someone behind your back multiple times a week and texting until all hours of the morning.

You'd hate to lose this "friendship" ?

It's not a friendship, it's your way of having your cake and eating it too. I think you need to be honest with yourself and fair to your relationship and, at the very least, severely cut back on the time spent with this other guy (and I also think you know this even though you don't want it to be true)

Of course she is.

I'll respond further depending on what her answer is.

Sure you haven't done anything physically, OP, but it sounds like, if anything, an emotional affair.

You're fooling yourself if you only consider this a friendship. If you do refer to it as a friendship, it's most likely because you'll feel less guilty spending time with him by labelling it a friendship. Clearly you have more than friendly thoughts running through your mind, and so does this guy. Otherwise, he would not have texted you that message. He knows something's up, too.

And to be honest, it sounds like you're entering dangerous territory. If you want to protect your marriage, walk away from this guy.

I could be way off base here, but I'm sensing temptation in your post.

Our conversations can get really awkward at times especially if I felt like we've crossed the line by texting way too much, or texting way too late into the night (MIDNIGHT), then I feel myself withdrawing back from him out of guilt and shame.

I haven't told anything to my SO about this guy and what kind of friendship level it has entered. My SO knows of his existence, but I haven't said a peep about us working out together or meeting up at different location to climb together. Because I'm afraid I'm going to loose a friend I feel a strong connection to, whether it's entirely platonic or slightly more. I know I'm being really dishonest to myself and my SO by not disclosing this information but it kills me to think anything will have to change. Also, I have no idea if this 'guy' has said anything about me to his girlfriend.

Back off or tell your SO. Or both.

You are clearly crossing some lines and your feelings and behavior are telling you that.

Hell no this is not normal...And soon you will be getting a divorce if you don't stop..Cuz if you don't stop then I guarantee you that your soon to be EX husband will be on this blog pouring out his broken heart...So if you have a heart, soul and you love your SO.. Then fix ur marriage cuz obviously ur not happy in ur marriage, cuz ur looking for excitement elsewhere..

Nothing normal in either your behaviour or his (imo).

Why haven't you been honest with your husband? How would you feel if you found out that he was doing the same?

Did you at least tell him that doing that was inappropriate and to please not do it again? If you didn't, can I ask you why you didn't let him know that he crossed a line.

 

Are you crushing on this guy?

Yes. I am. I feel horrible about it, trust me

I've been trying to avoid seeing this guy though, and coincidentally I sprained my ankle few days ago and am taking a break from going to the gym altogether. It'll be about two months until seeing him - but sporadic texting between us hasn't quite stopped. I think taking a break from seeing him will clear my mind a bit.

Question for the group:

Do I confront this guy and ask him if there's tension between us, and tell him how I've been feeling all this time? (that there was not a day I haven't thought about him since meeting him?!) and that I need to just get away from this friendship because I'm tempted to cross the line, and it's like playing fire? And that as much as I appreciate our friendship, that I think we've already crossed the line (or just me) and I can no longer being friends with him? Or do I ghost him out and he'll be left to ponder why I've become so cold towards him?

With all this said, I don't want to loose a good friend...I've recently moved across the country for this marriage and have made barely any decent friends through work + outside.

My husband and I had our differences doing long distance for 4+ years before getting married. We've had some bumpy roads to work out but in the end I know my SO is my soulmate and this 'guy's girlfriend, from what he's told me about her, sounds sweet and like a great person.

Sure you haven't done anything physically, OP, but it sounds like, if anything, an emotional affair.

 

You're fooling yourself if you only consider this a friendship. If you do refer to it as a friendship, it's most likely because you'll feel less guilty spending time with him by labelling it a friendship. Clearly you have more than friendly thoughts running through your mind, and so does this guy. Otherwise, he would not have texted you that message. He knows something's up, too.

 

And to be honest, it sounds like you're entering dangerous territory. If you want to protect your marriage, walk away from this guy.

 

I could be way off base here, but I'm sensing temptation in your post.

It's been a weird dynamic between us. There are moments where I feel like we're just good friends and nothing more, but sometimes a little too flirtatious and we're right back in that place again. That's why I'm so confused. I don't know if he had any thoughts about me beyond just a friend?!

I guess I'm wondering if I should talk to him about all this and how I'm feeling,? But what good will come out of it?

My internal instinct was to keep going with whatever this is, and to SUPRESS ALL MY FEELINGS towards him and just treat him like a brother as I've played him to be.

Sure you haven't done anything physically, OP, but it sounds like, if anything, an emotional affair.

 

You're fooling yourself if you only consider this a friendship. If you do refer to it as a friendship, it's most likely because you'll feel less guilty spending time with him by labelling it a friendship. Clearly you have more than friendly thoughts running through your mind, and so does this guy. Otherwise, he would not have texted you that message. He knows something's up, too.

 

And to be honest, it sounds like you're entering dangerous territory. If you want to protect your marriage, walk away from this guy.

 

I could be way off base here, but I'm sensing temptation in your post.

Yes, all your speculations are true.

It's certainly a dangerous terriority, but is there any way to salvage this friendship? I feel like we've both somehow normalized our regular texting, and meeting up few times a week to waiting for each other by the locker over last few months... It's hard to backtrack myself without communicating to him why I'm wanting to back away from all that?

I still need a belaying buddy to rock climb in the end

Sure you haven't done anything physically, OP, but it sounds like, if anything, an emotional affair.

 

You're fooling yourself if you only consider this a friendship. If you do refer to it as a friendship, it's most likely because you'll feel less guilty spending time with him by labelling it a friendship. Clearly you have more than friendly thoughts running through your mind, and so does this guy. Otherwise, he would not have texted you that message. He knows something's up, too.

 

And to be honest, it sounds like you're entering dangerous territory. If you want to protect your marriage, walk away from this guy.

 

I could be way off base here, but I'm sensing temptation in your post.

Yes, all your speculations are true.

It's certainly a dangerous terriority, but is there any way to salvage this friendship? I feel like we've both somehow normalized our regular texting, and meeting up few times a week to waiting for each other by the locker over last few months... It's hard to backtrack myself without communicating to him why I'm wanting to back away from all that?

I still need a belaying buddy to rock climb in the end

Would there be any tactics to send a message to him that he's just a like a brother figure to me, nothing more?

Like text him things like "Thank you for being such a great friend throughout the months..." as an example?!

I appreciate everyone's insightful replies. This is all helping me to clear my head.

Nothing normal in either your behaviour or his (imo).

Sigh Thank you. I figured.

Do I confront this guy and ask him if there's tension between us, and tell him how I've been feeling all this time? (that there was not a day I haven't thought about him since meeting him?!) and that I need to just get away from this friendship because I'm tempted to cross the line, and it's like playing fire? And that as much as I appreciate our friendship, that I think we've already crossed the line (or just me) and I can no longer being friends with him? Or do I ghost him out and he'll be left to ponder why I've become so cold towards him?

 

With all this said, I don't want to loose a good friend...I've recently moved across the country for this marriage and have made barely any decent friends through work + outside.

No, you need to confront yourself about the B.S. you've been inventing. Your gym partner is not a 'good friend.' He's a potential cheat and you both know it, which is why you're here right now. Why in the world would you ask the gym guy to validate your feelings on this? Why does he get to make decisions about your marriage? That's your role, and your husband's role. And if you can't cut off communication with this gym guy, you need tell your husband and let him handle it.

Unless you want to throw your marriage out the window... then by all means proceed as you have.

I guess I'm wondering if I should talk to him about all this and how I'm feeling,? But what good will come out of it?

None.

My internal instinct was to keep going with whatever this is, and to SUPRESS ALL MY FEELINGS towards him and just treat him like a brother as I've played him to be.

That is absolutely nonsensical.

People who cheat like to say, "It just happened." Well, it doesn't 'just happen.' You're playing with fire, as you said yourself. Here's where you get to put on the brakes by cutting off all communication. Anything else is just walking into an affair. I hope you are strong enough to admit that. I hope that you take full responsibility for your actions. It won't 'just happen' when you get physical. It's been happening all this time.

It's certainly a dangerous terriority, but is there any way to salvage this friendship?

No. You don't have a friendship. You have a shared sexual interest.

I still need a belaying buddy to rock climb in the end

 

What?

 

This is an excellent example of the B.S. that I was talking about. Do you want a belaying buddy or a marriage? You can have both if you talk to the staff at the rock climbing facility and ask them to hook you up with a buddy. People need buddies all the time. This dude is not your only option, so quit pretending.

 

Would there be any tactics to send a message to him that he's just a like a brother figure to me, nothing more?

 

Like text him things like "Thank you for being such a great friend throughout the months..." as an example?!

 

No. Better to cut off all contact and close the door firmly on this.

Op. Has your husband not wondered why you are spending so much time with this guy? You’re with him multiple times a week and when you’re not physically with him you’re in electronic communication. Where is your husband during all this time together with your “friend?”

Op. Has your husband not wondered why you are spending so much time with this guy? You’re with him multiple times a week and when you’re not physically with him you’re in electronic communication. Where is your husband during all this time together with your “friend?”

I don't think she's told him anything about the extent of their relationship.:

All this said, I haven't told anything to my SO about this guy and what kind of friendship level it has entered. My SO knows of his existence, but I haven't said a peep about us working out together or meeting up at different location to climb together.

I'm generally on the lenient side about having friends of the opposite sex while committed to someone else because I value friendships highly and think it's silly to drop friends just because of gender. Here are my boundaries which have worked for me: the person must be supportive of my relationship with my SO (now husband) and my husband must have the opportunity to meet him if indeed we meet in person, etc. If we don't meet in person (because we no longer live close by) and exchange emails/messages they have to be appropriate and nothing to hide from my husband. And vice versa.

When my son was a baby I used to go power walking in the nearby park with him in the stroller. 2 or 3 times there was an older gentleman who walked at the same time. We ended up chatting a few times. It was the first time since I'd been married that I met a new male person in that context where we had a real conversation. The conversation was 100% appropriate and he was married too - most of our convo was about exercise as well as my baby, raising children etc. But it made me pause -I wasn't attracted to him despite enjoying the convo and the distraction while power walking (and he never ever flirted with me)- but I think it's a good idea to just evaluate -even quickly -whether the interaction meets your and your husband's boundaries/standards. And very early on before things get gray area/complicated.

You are definitely playing with fire because of the secrecy, and the inappropriate texting at odd hours, plus all the time you spend together at the gym. I think it's fine to have a workout buddy - I'm sure also women hire male personal trainers who are straight, for example - but this is not just a workout buddy and you know it.

No need to text him and - no, you made choices that now mean you cannot just be platonic friends. It's unfortunate but true IMO. Good luck.

No, you need to confront yourself about the B.S. you've been inventing. Your gym partner is not a 'good friend.' He's a potential cheat and you both know it, which is why you're here right now. Why in the world would you ask the gym guy to validate your feelings on this? Why does he get to make decisions about your marriage? That's your role, and your husband's role. And if you can't cut off communication with this gym guy, you need tell your husband and let him handle it.

 

Unless you want to throw your marriage out the window... then by all means proceed as you have.

 

None.

 

That is absolutely nonsensical.

 

People who cheat like to say, "It just happened." Well, it doesn't 'just happen.' You're playing with fire, as you said yourself. Here's where you get to put on the brakes by cutting off all communication. Anything else is just walking into an affair. I hope you are strong enough to admit that. I hope that you take full responsibility for your actions. It won't 'just happen' when you get physical. It's been happening all this time.

 

No. You don't have a friendship. You have a shared sexual interest.

 

What?

 

This is an excellent example of the B.S. that I was talking about. Do you want a belaying buddy or a marriage? You can have both if you talk to the staff at the rock climbing facility and ask them to hook you up with a buddy. People need buddies all the time. This dude is not your only option, so quit pretending.

 

No. Better to cut off all contact and close the door firmly on this.

Absolutely brilliant post. It covers it all. OP, read it many many times. Absorb it. You KNOW what the truth is, and which way this is all heading. You have control of the situation and can end the BS before it gets out of control. But the question is: Will you?

I don't think she's told him anything about the extent of their relationship. says she hasn't but I'm wondering if her husband has questioned her time at the gym and on her hand held device while texting.

 

She says:

My SO knows of his existence,

I'd also like to know how he knows of his existence if she's not telling him about their work outs/climbing/texting/etc.