Boyfriend's family history

I am a twenty-eight female and have been dating my boyfriend (32) for three and a half years. We've talked about settling down together and starting a family. Recently, I was being introduced to his mum for the first time but it turns out the person he calls his mum is in fact his older sister. He is the last child of many so had lots of older siblings when he was born.

Due to his parents being old when he was born, they didn't look after him but one of his siblings did - the person he calls mum. My boyfriend had not shared any of this information with me before going to his 'mum's/sister's house. I only found out when his mum/sister mentioned their parents in a conversation. I said nothing straightaway but confronted him after we left and his reasons were that 'he sees the person who took care of him as mum and not his biological mum because he feels a sense of abandonment, which I completely understand. He also said he doesn't fully understand the situation and still has questions.

Now, while I understand and agree on the principle that whoever was there for you when you needed them are your parents, I can't help but feel betrayed that he didn't tell me all this sooner, which I would have understood. I knew his dad was old when he was born but he led me to believe that he was the only child of his dad and wasn't aware of any siblings, this was something we even talked very recently and he didn't correct me.

Also, me finding out didn't come from him but from his 'mum/sister' and can't help but wonder when/if he was going to let me know. I am trying to be empathetic towards his not-so-pleasant childhood but at the same time the situation has left me doubting everything. Is this someone I can trust considering he kept that hidden for so long? And what other major things might he be hiding? I told him about my half-brothers from the onset by the way. He is a very lovely guy otherwise but I have major doubts. Please advice me on what you think.

Many thanks in advance.

I knew someone whose boyfriend didn't tell her till years into their relationship -they may even have been engaged -that he was adopted. She was thrown off too and felt basically betrayed. I'm sharing it because she chose to move on from it and they've been married for several years now. I'm not sure it means he's hiding other things too - it sounds like a very specific omission and it could be very sensitive and personal for him.

I knew someone whose boyfriend didn't tell her till years into their relationship -they may even have been engaged -that he was adopted. She was thrown off too and felt basically betrayed. I'm sharing it because she chose to move on from it and they've been married for several years now. I'm not sure it means he's hiding other things too - it sounds like a very specific omission and it could be very sensitive and personal for him.

I agree with you

Plenty of people regard women other than their biological mother as their mother. And, really, they shouldn't owe anyone an explanation for it, whether they wereadopted or essentially mothered by an older sibling. Personally, I can't understand taking it personally or feeling betrayed. That seems like an matter of ego. To him, she's his mother, and that requires no further qualification. The only reason I'd feel slightly put off, if at all, would be in wondering how well he's psychologically coped with that as an adult. Nothing you've written suggests he's doing too badly in that department, but maybe there are details you haven't shared.

He hasn't lied to you, whether directly or by omission. She is his mother. But I suppose if this development really isn't suitable for you, then it is what it is.

Yea, I understand what you're saying but at the beginning of the relationship he lied about his age, which I later found out and moved on from it. Now this has happened I wonder how many more lies. The fact that I also asked about his family setup more recently (a month ago) and he still chose to hide it, bothers me.

Gosh, I think you are not picking the right battles here. He had a tough childhood and his sister who was quite older than him took on the duties of raising him. Some people who have drug abuser parents and grandma is the only mother they have known and they barely know their parents call Grandma "mom". Families are complicated sometimes people have a hard time talking about families outside of the norm for fear of judgement. Its sometimes hard to come to terms with yourself. Think of him as being adopted.

Lying about his age is another matter --- but this does not ADD to that lie. it is not a lie at all, really.

I don't think he's coped well with not been brought up by his parents hence he avoids any conversation/questions I have about any of his family. This scares me massively.

My problem is not the fact that he was brought up by his sister (that's quite normal for a lot of people), it's the fact that he kept it for so long even after I've asked several times. He asks about my family and I tell him things not matter how uncomfortable but he hasn't done the same

I don't think he's coped well with not been brought up by his parents hence he avoids any conversation/questions I have about any of his family. This scares me massively.

Why does this scare you, specifically? You have already been with him for 3 1/2 years - so why does this suddenly scare you now?

It has always scared me because he avoids any of my questions in that department. It shows he's quite unstable in that regard. At first, I gave him space thinking he'd open up once he's more comfortable but that has taken 3.5y. Me finding out came from his visiting his 'mum/sister', which I pushed for. Left to him, I wouldn't have met her till now. Also, bear in mind I've only just met one of his friends a few days before visiting his 'mum/sister'. It seems as if he wants me there but also doesn't. None of our future plans have come from him, it's always been me.

Then stop conflating and address the issues that matter. Bottom line is you weren't betrayed in this specific regard. Not meeting his mother after 3.5 years is an entirely different quandary. and if you've got a laundry list of other issues, you've got to stack all of that up against whether you trust him and a future with him.

As abitbroken stated, you're not choosing the right battles here.

It has always scared me because he avoids any of my questions in that department. It shows he's quite unstable in that regard. At first, I gave him space thinking he'd open up once he's more comfortable but that has taken 3.5y. Me finding out came from his visiting his 'mum/sister', which I pushed for. Left to him, I wouldn't have met her till now. Also, bear in mind I've only just met one of his friends a few days before visiting his 'mum/sister'. It seems as if he wants me there but also doesn't. None of our future plans have come from him, it's always been me.

It does not show he is unstable. It shows that he is consistent. He is consistent in not wanting to talk about his upbringing. There are people who are embarrassed about what they came from or experienced abuse (i am assuming the former) and don't like to talk about it. Have you ever read anything about Jeanneatte Walls and how she deflected questions about her childhood because she grew up so poor and her parents were dumpster diving drifters who were very happy that way despite her efforts? Her husband encouraged her to write about it when he found out.

Maybe its a good idea to not be so accusatory - and be supportive. "i am glad that i got to meet (name of sis/mum)" vs railing at hime for what else he is hiding. if you are positive about it, he's more likely to be open to sharing, but it has to be in his own time. He may not have unpacked this all quite yet himself.

I'd either make room for the fact that formative family experiences can have the kind of impact that's not speakable for some people in later years, and I'd be sympathetic toward that, OR I'd consider whether the kind of trust issues I have with BF present a barrier that I need to move on from.

Either way, using the term 'betrayed' is a bit strong, and it personalizes something that likely has less to do with me, and more to do with BF's unprocessed history with his own family.

This has got to be a troll. At least i'm going to tell myself that to not start my day in solid depression about humanity.

What a wretched, self-absorbed and irresponsible creature you are. This unusual and uncomfortable family dynamic is almost assuredly one of this guy's most trauma sources and something that he relentlessly struggles on how to manage in his life. And instead of when discovering this situation going full-tilt, hypersuportive girlfriend superstar mode, you effing fold and make it about you. That guy probably tossed and turned for countless nights agonizing how he could best introduce this situation to you. And when he finally set it up, and shared his darkest innards with you, you completely hung him out to dry and proved your worthlessness and a girlfriend, human, or even cup holder. You think that he was conniving some conspiracy against you? It was probably eating him alive. Your reaction to assume that he's intentionally trying to pull one over on you is the icing on the sh^t girlfriend cake.

And ultimately, it wasn't even something that mattered or affected you two or you. How dare you claim entitlement to his emotional works or life struggles. Quite the opposite: you've proven that he never should have brought you there in to meet her. I would be devastated if I was him dealing with your reaction with a complete lack of support. I would drop you like a bum's 40oz on the corner.

Eww. Please be a made up post. Please.

This has got to be a troll. At least i'm going to tell myself that to not start my day in solid depression about humanity.

 

What a wretched, self-absorbed and irresponsible creature you are. This unusual and uncomfortable family dynamic is almost assuredly one of this guy's most trauma sources and something that he relentlessly struggles on how to manage in his life. And instead of when discovering this situation going full-tilt, hypersuportive girlfriend superstar mode, you effing fold and make it about you. That guy probably tossed and turned for countless nights agonizing how he could best introduce this situation to you. And when he finally set it up, and shared his darkest innards with you, you completely hung him out to dry and proved your worthlessness and a girlfriend, human, or even cup holder. You think that he was conniving some conspiracy against you? It was probably eating him alive. Your reaction to assume that he's intentionally trying to pull one over on you is the icing on the sh^t girlfriend cake.

 

And ultimately, it wasn't even something that mattered or affected you two or you. How dare you claim entitlement to his emotional works or life struggles. Quite the opposite: you've proven that he never should have brought you there in to meet her. I would be devastated if I was him dealing with your reaction with a complete lack of support. I would drop you like a bum's 40oz on the corner.

 

Eww. Please be a made up post. Please.

While I agree her complaint is coming off as a bit self-centered and less than fully empathetic, that was uncalled for.

Look OP, some 'lies' aren't coming from a bad place, I mean, yes he probably is keeping his family at arms length because of his own personal issues. Issues which probably aren't going to be fully resolved ever, let alone during this time you've been together. My half sister an I found each other a couple years ago and she still hasn't told anybody outside of her husband and kids, not even her own sisters, about the fact that she has a half-brother and that her dad isn't her biological dad, and she was the one that reached out to me! There are multiple reasons for this, not just about her or me, and I completely understand it and do not consider her to be deceiving anyone. Some things are just not other people's business, no matter how close.