Is she having an emotional affair?

My girlfriend's coworker is starting to worry me. Their offices are right next to each other so they talk everyday. Apparently, they also talk through the wall without even having to leave their own offices. People at work have mistakenly thought that they were together or joked about something more going on between them. They are friends outside of work and I am ok with that. I am not overly possessive or anything. However, I've only met the guy once at a work event. They hang out outside of work from time to time. I know they've gone hiking a couple of times with another coworker or go out to eat. I believe they've only gotten dinner together once outside of work with just the 2 of them. That bothered me but it only happened one time. However, they get lunch at work with just the 2 of them fairly often. My girlfriend even lets him taste her drink from her straw and he does the same. She said that it is only friendly and that she shares her drinks with her friends too. But she also does it with me and I'm her boyfriend! Me and my girlfriend go out every weekend so it's not like she's neglecting me. We always have a great time when we're together.

 

However, I get the nagging feeling that she's having an emotional affair with her coworker. Am I just overreacting or is there something going on with them?

Well, you'll get differing answers but IMO them hanging out one on one without you is inappropriate at best and puts them on a slippery slope to falling into an emotional affair if they aren't in one already.

 

You can tell yourself if they are and your gut it telling you that there is more then platonic feelings between the two of them or this thread wouldn't exist.

 

There isn't anything you can do about this unless she volunteers to stop having one on one time with him and backs away from their friendship to make their interaction more professional rather then personal. If she won't stop, after you've made it clear that their relationship bothers you, then you can probably safely assume she's crushing on him.

What constitutes an emotional affair?

 

It sounds like he a close friend. For some people that would be to much. It sounds like you are okay with her having a close male friend. What seems over the line to you? It sounds like she likes him a lot, values his company, enjoys time with him. That is all stuff that easily fits into "friend" for me, but for some folks that is already over the line.

 

Personally? If your relationship is working the way you want I don't think it's a healthy idea to try and control how she spends her time away from you.

What constitutes an emotional affair?

I'd say having romantic feelings for someone other then your significant other when you're in a monogamous, exclusive relationship and where the one in the EA is spending more time with that person (whether in mind or in person) then they are with their significant other.

It's difficult to tell what's really going on in a girl's head - even God can't read them, and here we are merely humans LOL. Jokes apart. The problem with this situation is that you'll surely loose her in the long run if you feel/act insecure. Think about it this way - if you believe in yourself that you are a great catch and no other man is better than you on this whole planet, you won't be worrying about this. It's your own insecurity that you feel the other guy *might* be better than you for her. Don't let this insecurity create distance between both of you.

 

But at the same time, it is also important to keep your eyes open and be observant. Is there any change in her behavior towards you? Has the intimacy declined? A good approach would be to tell her that you want to meet the other guy (perhaps ask her to invite him for dinner together). Tell her you want to get to know him better - and then analyze her reactions carefully. If she does invite him for dinner, that's a good sign, but don't stop there. Look for how they interact, if there's any subtle spark between them, etc. Good luck!

Basically a couple should match on their views of relationship boundaries or it's not going to work. I know that I put boundaries on myself and discussed my boundaries with whoever I dated to make sure they were on the same page before going further with them. I have guy co-worker friends, but do not single out any of them to pay extra attention to and would not regularly go to lunch with any of them. When a person really looks forward to seeing that one person daily at work and there is an extreme emotional closeness, it is crossing boundaries. And I don't exchange phone numbers with any of them and don't do outside activities with any of them (with the exception of one gay couple who are friends with both my husband and I).

 

Communication is key with your gf. Have a discussion about the issue. With the results of that, maybe it will give you an idea whether or not to move forward with the relationship. Good luck.

I was going to tell you to trust your gut until I read your other thread which is almost exactly the opposite of this one. In that thread you have a female coworker that has an office right next to yours and you went to lunch just the two of you and asked her if she wanted to go hiking.

 

What is going on here?

 

Lost

How would your girlfriend feel if you spent time one-to-one outside work with a female coworker and were drinking from each others glass? Have you asked her? Imo most people would not feel comfortable about it.

 

P.S. If you are the one in the male co-worker's place, you would be better off staying away from people with such poor boundaries. Even if she were to get with you, she would treat you with the same lack of courtesy that she is treating her current boyfriend.

I'd say having romantic feelings for someone other then your significant other when you're in a monogamous, exclusive relationship and where the one in the EA is spending more time with that person (whether in mind or in person) then they are with their significant other.

 

I guess I think that is slippery. Maybe that's because I'm not monogamous. But the line between "romantic feelings" and "warm friendship" is very blurry to me. What isn't blurry is respecting relationships. I can have "romantic feelings" towards someone and respect all pre-existing relationships. I don't believe that is an emotional affair. If the only way to keep your partner engaged in your relationship is to limit how they interact with other people... I don't think there is much trust there.

 

I think it's pretty normal to feel affection, attraction and even love for people outside of your mono relationship. The trick is, can you do that and treat your relationship with respect?

 

For me an emotional affair are two people who are telling each other that they are into each other. Reaching out to a crush for emotional support when their are issues in the relationship. Hiding aspects of the connection from your partner. That is the affair.

I can see it both ways. On one hand, it seems she's pretty transparent with the relationship and if those same things were happening with a female friend, I am willing to bet you wouldn't be as bothered. The key to this is for you to trust and if you are struggling to trust her, you'll want to figure out why it's a struggle.

 

On the other hand, your girlfriend should know your boundaries as to what you're comfortable with. You may want to communicate those expectations to her but you will want to mindful not to deprive her of her social freedoms and suffocate her from being friendly herself.

 

Having dealt with this issue, focus on telling her what she can do to make you feel like a priority but don't tell her to stop being friends or bad-mouthing the friend because you'll come across as unnecessarily insecure and controlling. If your girlfriend loves you, I'm sure she will be willing to make compromises up to a certain point. Everyone is different, so be direct but be considerate of her feelings too.

Well, you'll get differing answers but IMO them hanging out one on one without you is inappropriate at best and puts them on a slippery slope to falling into an emotional affair if they aren't in one already.

 

You can tell yourself if they are and your gut it telling you that there is more then platonic feelings between the two of them or this thread wouldn't exist.

 

There isn't anything you can do about this unless she volunteers to stop having one on one time with him and backs away from their friendship to make their interaction more professional rather then personal. If she won't stop, after you've made it clear that their relationship bothers you, then you can probably safely assume she's crushing on him.

 

Exactly! this is so true

I don't think you are overreacting. You are uncomfortable with the situation because your gut is telling you something. Whether it's ultimately the truth might be a moot point. What I mean is, whether or not your gf is having an emotional affair with this other guy is just a label. The fact is, you're not comfortable with their level of interaction/connection.

 

I've been on the gf side of a similar situation, i.e., the bf (now ex-bf) was insecure about my friendship with a guy friend. In truth, I really saw this friend as just a friend, albeit a very close friend, with no emotional attachment or physical attraction. I stopped hanging out with this friend because of the bf. The bf and I eventually broke up because we weren't compatible (and no I didn't get together with the friend). My point is, your discomfort with the situation may speak to a larger problem, i.e., whether or not you two are compatible, rather than the problem of whether she is having an emotional affair.

 

I don't know what the good solution is...but the key is to communicate your thoughts/feelings with her. Good luck.

Never ignore your gut feel buddy. It's your subconscious telling you something is off.

 

Talk to her, you are NOT controlling if you are not happy with the closeness. If she won't regard / address your feelings, you need to make a decision.

I was going to tell you to trust your gut until I read your other thread which is almost exactly the opposite of this one. In that thread you have a female coworker that has an office right next to yours and you went to lunch just the two of you and asked her if she wanted to go hiking.

 

What is going on here?

 

Lost

 

Did you just reverse the story to see if we think your co worker is interested in you ?

It's all about boundaries. What are yours? What the rules of your game? (analogy)

 

Talk to her. Let her know what's on your mind. At the end of the day you need to feel comfortable in your relationship.

 

Good luck.

----------------- (I decided not to reply until OP answers if this thread is valid)

I guess I think that is slippery. Maybe that's because I'm not monogamous.

Could be!

But the line between "romantic feelings" and "warm friendship" is very blurry to me.

I guess that is where the term monogamous clicks in. There is definitely a wider line between romantic feelings and simple warm feelings to me.

 

What isn't blurry is respecting relationships. I can have "romantic feelings" towards someone and respect all pre-existing relationships.

Being monogamous in nature means with one and being romantically attached to someone is an emotional affair. I don't think it's respectful to be emotionally involved with someone just because you don't physically act on your emotional attachment.

 

If the only way to keep your partner engaged in your relationship is to limit how they interact with other people... I don't think there is much trust there.

We've had this discussion before and are on opposite sides of the playing field with you not being monogamous and me being so. It has nothing to do with trust, trusting or the lack of it.

 

I think it's pretty normal to feel affection, attraction and even love for people outside of your mono relationship. The trick is, can you do that and treat your relationship with respect?

I hardly call being in love with another person when in a committed monogamous relationship being respectful to the primary partner.

I guess you being Poly and I Mono we won't agree on much on this subject.

 

For me an emotional affair are two people who are telling each other that they are into each other. Reaching out to a crush for emotional support when their are issues in the relationship. Hiding aspects of the connection from your partner. That is the affair.

I agree that those 'conditions' are what constitutes an EA (in addition to the one's I've mentioned.)

^

It appears he's left the building.

 

:scramble:

What constitutes an emotional affair?

 

It sounds like he a close friend. For some people that would be to much. It sounds like you are okay with her having a close male friend. What seems over the line to you? It sounds like she likes him a lot, values his company, enjoys time with him. That is all stuff that easily fits into "friend" for me, but for some folks that is already over the line.

 

Personally? If your relationship is working the way you want I don't think it's a healthy idea to try and control how she spends her time away from you.

 

I understand this as well. Just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean she can't have friends. She has been pretty transparent about it. I guess what I'm afraid of is how easily hanging out with someone one on one could lead to non-platonic feelings down the road.

I understand this as well. Just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean she can't have friends. She has been pretty transparent about it. I guess what I'm afraid of is how easily hanging out with someone one on one could lead to non-platonic feelings down the road.

Down the road? She's well on her way and has likely reached that destination by now. Ask to meet him and his girlfriend and you will find out more by her response on whether or not she is feeling more then platonic feelings for him then you ever will from strangers on the internet who have differing views on the subject. Obviously you are not jiggy with her having feelings of love for someone other then you or you wouldn't have said anything about their friendship leading to non-platonic feelings down the road. Or am I wrong there and you'd be okay with her being in lust and infatuation and having non-platonic feelings for someone else as long as she didn't act on those feelings?