General Life Journal

I am going to start writing a journal on here as I go through this beautiful, painful, tragic, and wonderful life. It could be thoughts, sporadic philosophical thoughts painful ones. Hope this will be helpful to anyone who reads.

Journal 1:

I really dislike what's been happening lately. I have been doing much better with the addition of my ballroom dance club, my dnd group, my new wardrobe and hairstyle, my medical (chiropractic and vision) fixes, and just genuinely enjoying life. My anxiety went from a constant 7 to a 0-1 most days.

Now, someone from my past keeps coming up. Not any past relationship or anything like that -- it's a graphic designer guy I used to supervise when I was student president of our university I thought I did a pretty good job of supervising, and although I had high expectations, I gave my employees space wherever possible. He seemed mostly well-behaved during my term, lots of stuff happened after. When I was finished working there, this guy sent me an email telling me off: it started like this: "I think you need to check yourself..."

After finishing up my term, I blocked him on social media and deleted his number afterward. That was around 5 months ago. The incessant gossip I hear from friends, the weird power smiles he gives me, and the attempts at contact are unnerving enough. Recently, now working for the City, I brought fliers into the student government association's (SGA's) office and gave them to a friend. After finding out they were mine, he threw them in the recycling bin, then picked them up and said "even better" and ripped them several times before throwing them away again. This is against the law (misdemeanor) and is against several internal SGA rules and university policies. He also recently followed me and jumped out from behind me to take a lunch table when I was 2 ft away from a lunch table at our food court with my friend.

So, enough. My strategy of ignoring him has not worked. There is a judicial procedure at the SGA and either the head executive can do something or the head judicial person with other approvals (HR kinda person) can discipline or remove him.

So I put in a complaint for the destruction of property that occurred on 11/6 and listed the rules broken, including the law. I also listed other things I know he has done along with witnesses (if they were comfortable saying anything - I made sure to check) to highlight a pattern of behavior so as to show it's not simply a "slap on the wrist moment."

Other things he has done includes:

- throwing someone's mug so hard into the garbage that it shattered in front of people, and then bragging about it later.

- following a student and the guy's girlfriend home, in his car, because he thought they broke a rule. The student found out and is unnerved.

- telling someone on the org to shut the **** up

- stomping around the office, slamming doors and gossiping about a co-worker when he didn't get his way

- consistent disrespect and gossip

None of these things are acceptable in the workplace, nonetheless breaking a student's private property and following people.

Yet the current student president, his boss who hired him again despite advice about his end-of-term actions, called me today, called my complaint dramatic and "extra," said it wasn't a big deal because the property he broke was only fliers, and said (when I didn't agree to her suggestion of mediation (keep in mind, I don't work there anymore)), she insulted me and said I was running away from my problems.

Now, she usually doesn't do anything about anything. Funny how the one time she takes a stand it's to belittle my complaint.

The reason I'm not going above the SGA and to the university or higher, is because I don't want to ruin the guy, and I don't want a "no contact" order which, honestly, would be punishing me more than him, because I wouldn't then be able go to the SGA office (I only go when he's not there) because he works there.

So because the president won't do anything it's going the judicial route, which takes longer. And I'm stressed out as it is -- I don't like doing this but now it's time to stand up for myself.

Journal 2:

Since hearing about the property destruction and putting the complaint in, I've been very anxious -- which sucks because I've had months free of anxiety. I have a meeting with the SGA president, an adviser, and my friend on Tuesday.

I talked with my mom today for advice and I feel a little better about my narrative:

-He's antagonizing me

-Ignoring him, blocking him, and deleting his number hasn't worked -- my property destroyed and I've been followed, gotten power smiles, etc.

-although the complaint might seem dramatic or petty, it's actually serious because I don't know what else to do at this point because ignoring, etc. has not worked -- now stuff is being destroyed because it's mine and other things are happening.

-I listed the pattern of behavior as a professional courtesy, to let you know what has happened.

-I'm going to keep the complaint on file / not scrapping it. Committee can decide, let the process work.

I feel better with that strategy. I will also:

-be calm and/or low and monotonous

-be brief

-not get excitable, even if my buttons are pushed

-reiterate my talking points above

-make sure I do not interrupt at all

Journal 3:

Through this complaint, I may have embarked on a journey of revenge, which means digging two graves. Not bad that I sent in a complaint, but maybe bad that my friends -- should the process continue -- might be dragged into the middle. He may retaliate and try to get at me (although he's already been doing this). I also, in the complaint called for his resignation based on advice I'd gotten from a friend (I don't know how else one would discipline the guy, he's nuts), so maybe that was over the top. So maybe those two things were not correct, but the complaint and the fact that I'm no longer ignoring or cowering when he does something is correct. Minor wrongdoings within a larger correct action.

I'm going to go into the meeting with the above narrative in Journal 2, but slight modification:

-I'm willing for the complaint not to go through the judicial process, as long as he is respectful to me and it remains on file.

So that means:

-no more attempts at contact

-no more power smiles

-no more disrespecting me in front of my colleagues

-no following me and breaking my stuff

Otherwise the complaint will go through the judicial process or a new one will be filed.

I will ask for the president, adviser, and head of the judicial process, to help me figure out the appropriate action to keep him from continuing to abuse the power of his position to disrespect and antagonize me (to substitute for me going through the process). In asking for help, I will hopefully be nonthreatening, and will come from a point of reason.

Journal 4: venting.

The talk should be over after today.

Things that are stressing me out:

-Huge event I have planned for Friday for one of my jobs. Mayor, city council, and approximately 500 guests will be there. Can't wait until it's over. Always feel behind with these kinds of things.

-This talk

-Behind schedule on an final project assignment

-Need sleep

I plan to rectify most of these by this weekend.

Journal 5:

We resolved the issue. I did a great job and he looked like a jerk by the end of it. I no longer feel unsupported or that my property is unsafe.

Now, unrelated but related, our counseling center is advising me that they are going to report the guy to the Dean of Students for liability reasons. This makes me sick. The issue has been resolved, and this is going to make me look terrible. It will hurt me professionally and reputationally they report this and he is notified (he would be).

We have already settled it though mediation. I vented in what I thought was confidential counseling. Now for "liability reasons" the counseling center is going to harm me professionally and reputationally... Goodness, the situation has already been resolved through professional staff from another department. I am now trying to meet with the director of the department to *slowly* explain why this is not a good idea.

Leave me alone.

Journal 6:

Big event tonight downtown that I've been planning for months now. Mayor and city council going to be there and estimated hundreds of guests. A little nervous but also excited. Also happy for it to be over after tonight!

If you're reading this - pray / send me luck!

Journal 7:

Event went super well. My boss said "record turnout." I got the mayor to sing. The entire ceremony was adorable and I saw nothing but smiling faces. A few kinks but nothing that impacted the event significantly -- city council found a minor issue with a vendor but I'm hoping they enjoyed the event enough to get at me about it too much afterward.

And everyone loved the a capella group I brought. I had to pay them with my own money a couple hundred because of red tape from their university that got in the way of them. Everyone loved it. And even though I took a small financial hit - I think I looked like a hero to the music group, and it was a huge hit at the event.

So happy the stress with that event is mostly gone!

Journal 8:

Feeling lonely lately, and in pain.

My neck hurts from my slightly crooked spine, and I can't seem to click with anyone. My dance partner is attracted to me, and she has a wonderful personality, but I'm just not physically attracted to her nearly at all. So it's a no go. I've learned I have I think more walls up than I thought: it's almost like someone has to be perfect or I lose attraction fast. Lol what a way to live.

Anyways, on the bright side:

- I was voted to win a spirit award and small $65 scholarship to cover dance fees through my club. That felt nice.

- I have been reminded lately that I did a wonderful job as SGA President last year - in light of drama and budget issues this year some people miss the VP and me.

-I'm ahead of where I was 5 months ago. Isolated, lonely, no friends. Now I'm surrounded by people, tons of friends, and appreciated.

I want this demonstrated progress to cut through the recent negatives in my mind. I'm going to try my best to make that happen.

Having a tough time. Lost a friend. Still forced to interact with her. Lonely right now even though there are events going on - no one to go to them with. Little drunk and just want to sleep. I'll be fine but in a lot of pain right now.

Thoughts prayers dms welcomed.