Can anyone give me good advice on getting my ex back?

Long story short. My ex and I were friends for 6 years before we got together but never lived in the same city outside of the first year we met. We got together a year ago because we both have always loved each other and felt we were meant to be together even though she lives in California and I'm in Tennessee. In a nutshell everything was like magic and felt perfect when we visited each other and were around each other, but when we had to spend time away I would get jealous of the guys she works with and social media bull. I also had my own issues of being depressed and not seeing my worth. She tried to help me and would tell me exactly what she wanted from me but i didn't listen. She finally had enough of my insecurities and broke up with me about 2 months ago.

Since the breakup we have had ups and downs. Then I did no contact and things got better and worked on myself by reading self-help books and working on my spirituality for healing my depression(and it worked). I went to her city for a job interview but stayed the weekend at her place. We went out had great times and moments she even told me she loved me and kissed me and let me sleep in her bed with her, I used her care and dropped her off and picked her up from work. It was like old times. Well since that weekend I got the job and she seemed extremely happy, but she's been hot and cold like she's confused about giving me a 2nd chance. I got the job promotion with my company and will be moving to her city in January. I'm getting my own place and she said we could date and try to see where things go, but she won't commit to me right now. She's told me time will tell if I've really changed and everyone from my mom to my pastor has told me that I just need to be patient(harder said than done).

Does anyone know what can I do now to increase my chances of getting her back or is waiting my only option until I move out there?

I think you're on the right path, but one thing: don't hang around her if she's not willing to commit. Just be like: I'm working on myself and making all of these great changes. My intentions are to be with you again and to be better than before, but unless you want to commit too, I need space to heal and move on.

Does anyone know what can I do now to increase my chances of getting her back or is waiting my only option until I move out there?

I think you're on the path to getting her back. She can't commit right now on the changes you've made without knowing that they are there to stay. Breakups cause a loss of trust in that things didn't work out for her even though she was invested. You want an upfront commitment for the same reason that you don't want to invest without knowing she will too. This time around I think you should take the risk and pursue her. Establish a pattern over 3 months showing that you've changed and make her feel safe in investing in you again. Over time her hot/cold will switch to just hot.

I hope you didn't change jobs and uproot solely to be near her.

However, congrats on getting the job and California is a great place to live--if you can afford it.

My guess is that she is holding back on the relationship until you are more settled in.

Or, just not that committed to you.

In either case, go slow!

Aww, this is going to have a happy ending! Yay

Go slow, stay on the right path, and in time she will see you have made positive change.

Be careful not to drag up the past, and remember to be happy and have fun!

Make her see you can be the person she first fell in love with.

I'm honestly ecstatic for you! Finally a story with a positive outlook

Hey you really believe that it will have a happy ending. Thanks. I'd just like to know your reasoning behind thinking that?

Establish a pattern over 3 months showing that you've changed and make her feel safe in investing in you again. Over time her hot/cold will switch to just hot.

Thanks. How can I establish a pattern to show her I've changed?

Just being better, and knowing you're better, is a great way of showing the pattern.

Hey you really believe that it will have a happy ending. Thanks. I'd just like to know your reasoning behind thinking that?

It's women's intuition

Haha, seriously, I have a good feeling about this.

And rarely am I wrong. This girl wants it to work. You just wait and see.

Then come back and tell us all about it!

It's women's intuition

 

Haha, seriously, I have a good feeling about this.

And rarely am I wrong. This girl wants it to work. You just wait and see.

Then come back and tell us all about it!

Thanks that does make me feel alot better. I know right now thing aren't where I want them to be but I do honestly believe I'll get her back!

Like everyone said, take things slow and keep working on yourself and being the best version of yourself. That's what made you attractive in the first place to your ex. When you move out to Cali, I would make an effort to build a completely independent life for you to bring her into. Be awesome at your job. Make friends. Join recreational leagues or take up a hobby. Casually date other people, but do so responsibly, and not for the sole purpose of winning back your ex. Do it for yourself and a genuine interest in getting to know other people. Based on your post, your ex categorized you as a dating option but won't be exclusive with you---at least you're not put into the friendzone again for another 6 years, right? Therefore, she's is free to date others and might be dating others, so you should be, too. You might find somebody better or it'll re-enforce the idea that you and your ex were meant to be together. Dating will help you pass the time and figure that out, while giving your ex time to decide. Also, if you don't establish your own life in CA, then there's a possibility she may never decide to commit to you and commit to someone else and you won't have your own support network in CA to fall back on. Sometimes the best way to get back an ex is to not try to win her back. It's counter-intuitive.

You'll want to understand why she is hot and cold and confused about giving you a second chance. She probably does not believe 2 months is enough time for you to get over your insecurities or the issues that caused the breakup. She might be concerned that a relationship might bring up old arguments about co-workers or whatever social media triggered. If you were wrong about the co-workers, for example, maybe show her it is not an issue by planning a social outing with her, your new CA friends, and the co-workers. Whatever her doubts are, she seems hesitant because she probably isn't sure whether those fights will re-surface again and she's looking for visible proof to believe that you're truly your insecurities and not just avoided them for 2-3 months. While you may have educated yourself on the topic, she does not know whether you've applied or practiced the techniques, skills, and knowledge you had learned since the breakup.

Establish a pattern over 3 months showing that you've changed and make her feel safe in investing in you again. Over time her hot/cold will switch to just hot.

 

Thanks. How can I establish a pattern to show her I've changed?

Let's say your girlfriend smokes and you hate that. She smoked yesterday but today she says she hasn't smoked all day and she'd like you to get married to her. She's sure she's stopped and that was the only thing stopping you two from getting married. So what do you do? Do you trust her that because she didn't smoke today that she won't for the next 50 years? She has to show a pattern of that being true. Not just one day, but several days. Usually 3 weeks is enough to consider there is a pattern that she has stopped. 3 months is even stronger, 5 years even stronger, 1 decade it's as if she did it in her past as a mistake and that's not even her now.

So for you, now that you show back up in her life asking for a commitment she needs to see a pattern. Do you get depressed and go back to your old ways in 2 days? Maybe in 3 weeks? Maybe there's some misunderstanding between you two and all that positivity just disappears? The longer you remain your positive self and respond to her as such over a period of time the more she will trust you. 3 weeks is usually minimum, and increasing the time it gets better and better.