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Thread: I've been "ghosted"...and it has put healing to a halt

  1. #1
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    I've been "ghosted"...and it has put healing to a halt

    I'm recently divorced after leaving my husband for my affair partner. Before you stop reading or keep rolling your eyes.. I have already been down and continue to be down the road of shame, hurt and ongoing sorrow, sadness and begging for forgiveness from those that I hurt..so this post is not about that...

    I have worked hard to heal and have had to take a long look at myself after being dumped by someone I loved so very much. Affairs do not work out, for anyone, ever. Needless to say, when you are a home wrecker, it doesn't bode well for keeping friends or even family for that matter. So, after pretty much losing everything and everyone I had..I have had to pick myself up and move on. It has not been easy and I first had to forgive myself for my horrible choices. After finally making a few new friends at my new job in a new town, I went out on a double date with a friend with a man I had never met.

    My friend filled him in on my divorce and why so that he would be able to make his own choice if he wanted to go out with me...even as a friend. I really didn't want to to go, but as a favor for her I agreed (and I really want to keep the few friends I have now). I was surprised how much I liked him. We have nothing in common really, so it was actually fun meeting someone with different interests. Divorced himself, we did have that in common and so when he asked me questions, I told him what led to my affair and how it all panned out. He seemed understanding and even sympathetic. Basically, I found a male friend to hang out with and I think that he has really been good for me and we seemed to help each other.

    We pretty much talk or at least text everyday and meet up for lunch twice a week and do the whole group friend thing on the weekend for several months. Though I still am not ready for anything romantic...I would not rule it out when or if I/we are ever ready.

    Except now, he has disappeared. No calls. No texts. This is on week 3. I've been so hurt and exposed, I have had too much pride to call or text him because I do not want to appear desperate. I miss him and this is really setting me back.

    The awkward thing is that TOMORROW night, I will see him for the first time in a month. I don't know how to act, or if I should even talk to him...or even go. I would like to know what happened as we really both seemed to have been enjoying each other. I think that if he started seeing someone, he would have told me since we are just friends. I have asked our mutual friend and she seems to have no idea, either, so I didn't press the issue. Really could use some help. It is so awkward.

  2. #2
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    OK. I'm a little unclear. You said you have texted him in the past, but then you said you haven't texted him in 3 weeks? Does this mean you sent him a text, he didn't answer, so you stopped texting him? Texting isn't a ping-pong game. If someone doesn't return a text, you just don't stop texting. You text and say, hey, what's up? when you haven't heard from someone. I would say to text someone at least 3 times before you give up. Maybe he missed your text or didn't want to appear to be desperate himself, or he figured you weren't interested since you did say you weren't getting romantic with him. It's not like you're in a relationship with him.

    Anyways, just text him right now and ask him if he's going to this thing tomorrow and ask if you can go together or whatever arrangement you've had in the past. It's so easy to do. And ask him what he's been up to.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about this.

    I get the sense that you've projected a lot of meaning onto this new friendship--almost as if making it "work" is one of the steps to atoning for your past. That he's gone distant and cold--the ghosting--is hitting you especially hard.

    But if it's all just a friendship, you should be able to reach out, say hey, what's up, whatever. Maybe he got busy, maybe he started seeing someone and didn't know how to tell you--who knows?

    I'd just be cool and cordial when you see him tomorrow.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I don't text my friends everyday or even talk to them every night on the phone. Why do you think he's "ghosted you" just because he's not superficially chatting with you?

    I wonder, are you more invested then you're actually letting on? Have you slept with your friend?

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by suzanna80
    I'm recently divorced .
    When did that happen? Just curious because usually the general divorce process takes a long time. Seems very fast...

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    If you're only friends, then I do not understand why you are hurt?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Im confused. Please elaborate Suzanne

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    Originally Posted by suzanna80
    I'm recently divorced after leaving my husband for my affair partner. Before you stop reading or keep rolling your eyes.. I have already been down and continue to be down the road of shame, hurt and ongoing sorrow, sadness and begging for forgiveness from those that I hurt..so this post is not about that...

    I have worked hard to heal and have had to take a long look at myself after being dumped by someone I loved so very much. Affairs do not work out, for anyone, ever. Needless to say, when you are a home wrecker, it doesn't bode well for keeping friends or even family for that matter. So, after pretty much losing everything and everyone I had..I have had to pick myself up and move on. It has not been easy and I first had to forgive myself for my horrible choices. After finally making a few new friends at my new job in a new town, I went out on a double date with a friend with a man I had never met.

    My friend filled him in on my divorce and why so that he would be able to make his own choice if he wanted to go out with me...even as a friend. I really didn't want to to go, but as a favor for her I agreed (and I really want to keep the few friends I have now). I was surprised how much I liked him. We have nothing in common really, so it was actually fun meeting someone with different interests. Divorced himself, we did have that in common and so when he asked me questions, I told him what led to my affair and how it all panned out. He seemed understanding and even sympathetic. Basically, I found a male friend to hang out with and I think that he has really been good for me and we seemed to help each other.

    We pretty much talk or at least text everyday and meet up for lunch twice a week and do the whole group friend thing on the weekend for several months. Though I still am not ready for anything romantic...I would not rule it out when or if I/we are ever ready.

    Except now, he has disappeared. No calls. No texts. This is on week 3. I've been so hurt and exposed, I have had too much pride to call or text him because I do not want to appear desperate. I miss him and this is really setting me back.

    The awkward thing is that TOMORROW night, I will see him for the first time in a month. I don't know how to act, or if I should even talk to him...or even go. I would like to know what happened as we really both seemed to have been enjoying each other. I think that if he started seeing someone, he would have told me since we are just friends. I have asked our mutual friend and she seems to have no idea, either, so I didn't press the issue. Really could use some help. It is so awkward.
    He is probably ready for something romantic and you have made it clear your not ready, so he has decided to move on and find someone else

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. 😕 However dates are not confessionals nor therapists so don't inflict your guilt and woes on them. Keep it very simple. "I'm divorced x years and have 2 kids. Period. Do not elaborate.

    Also friendzoning someone because of your issues is an invitation for them to leave and find someone they can invest interest in. Dating is not about using people as a shoulder to cry on or as " new friends".
    Originally Posted by suzanna80
    when he asked me questions, I told him what led to my affair and how it all panned out. Though I still am not ready for anything romantic...Except now, he has disappeared. No calls. No texts.

  11. #10
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    I don;t understand why you would share your affair with this guy. I wouldn't be telling anybody that. If someone told me that, I would run the other way.

    Learn from your mistakes and keep them to yourself.

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