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Thread: Journal..

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by insideoutch
    Sputnik123: You are doing good and keep up the good fight. I know how hard it is but time will surely heal you, keep up the good fight my dear. It's especially harder now bc of the holiday season but you will get through it. Perhaps you should get a gift for yourself for doing so well with NC for 15 days, and can also use that as a reminder to not give in whenever your feeling weak.

    I am a hopeless romantic that believes love will conquer all. When I'm in love with someone, I will fight for them, and with them till the end. But, how can a fight exist when the other person doesn't want to be part of it? Imagine how silly one looks standing there throwing punches in the air alone...lol... Well, that was me 2 days ago. I realized, what's the point? He doesn't care because if he did he would be here standing next to me, side by side, fighting for "US". It doesn't matter how much they say they love, care, and misses you. The truth is, they are not HERE with US right now. They left us to suffer this excruciating pain alone. Love shouldn't hurt, and when it does, the love is gone. I still love and care for my ex but he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. Everytime I surrender the NC because the pain is so unbearable he responds back with the most cold hearted text that left me dying by the second. I wasn't human for the past 27 days since he broke up with me. I ask myself every day, "What happened between us?" "What did I do wrong?" "When did he stop loving me when he promised me a lifetime together?" "How can he be so cold hearted the minute he broke up with me?" "What do I do?" "Will I ever survive this pain?" All these questions did me no good but added more salt to my wound. My best friend couldn't bear seeing the state I was in anymore that she yelled at me to snap out of it and to stop crying over someone that doesn't want me anymore. All the things she said makes is true but it didn't influence me at all. I gave my one last fight for him, he finally tore my heart out and make me realized that I meant nothing to him. Since then I started fighting for myself, better myself, focus on myself, work on myself and give my heart to someone that wants it and is worthy of it. I still miss him in the mornings but I am getting better by the minute.

    I will start a journal some day as a reminder and to motivate myself to keep up the good fight not only for myself but for others that are hurting as well.

    Keep up the good fight! Take good care of yourself and your son. I am a weakling. If I can do this so can YOU!

    Insideoutch (xbear hugx)

    Dear Insideoutch,
    Many thanks for your wonderful post.
    I feel your pain and we will get through it together, 1 day at a time
    I too am a romantic and was trying every way to try and make it work. The truth is, that she had met someone else and given up on us a month before we split up. This left me high and dry with everything and her seemingly completely fine when the time came.
    I too have the unanswered questions in my head, but the only way to move on is to answer them for yourself, as best you can.
    You are doing the right thing.. concentrate on YOURSELF.. realise how special you are and that you deserve better.
    As you say, the mornings can be brutal.. every day for 2 months, I have woken up, then had the painful realisation after a few seconds of my new predicament. THat is truly horrible. Some days are much better than others.
    Keep fighting.. always here if you need to chat or vent (xbear hugx)

  2. #42
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    Evening all,
    16 days no contact. Almost 2 months post break-up (6 weeks since seeing her the last time).
    Schoolboy error today.. didn't plan to do anything and spent much of the time thinking about the past, what went wrong, what i could have done, what she is doing, how could she do it, will she ever reach out (no), when/if i see her/them by accident (even now i think it would kill me). Hence, it was a day wasted and will remember to plan ahead to make sure I am more busy, or away from my thoughts here at weekends. I hope everyone had a better day than me!
    I can vouch for the "rubber band" idea though. I have now placed one around my wrist and ping it every time my mind wanders!
    It's incredible to think that someone can lie to, cheat on and hurt someone they care about, but you still find yourself almost wanting them to contact you.. How pointless would that be?!
    She is definitely not the sort to apologise anyway and it would be empty and meaningless by now.
    It is so true that some days are far worse than others, it can attack in waves and I hope for better tomorrow and beyond.
    Tomorrow I will see the mutual "friend" again in the evening.. Shook his hand last week (I really didn't want to), then turned my back.. I have nothing to say to him as he could have saved me 6 weeks of my sanity.
    I hope for a good night's sleep for me and all.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    We always seem to journal at the same time...my breakup brother* lol

    C*

  4. #44
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    Hi everyone,
    17 days no contact.
    The pain has returned 2-fold the last couple of days. I think it's the dawning realisation that I am powerless to prevent never speaking or seeing her again, in any meaningful way and what we had is now long gone. I need to find the anger again, that is easier to handle and control.
    Waking up at 3am definitely doesn't help. Damn this body clock of mine.
    There is no way I can reach out to her and vise versa. I feel trapped just being in the same town as her.
    Will see the mutual friend tonight.. I won't be saying anything... I don't want to give the satisfaction.
    I hope everyone is feeling abit better than I am today.
    May post an update later if anything interesting happens.
    Need to keep moving forwards!!!

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by sputnik123
    Dear Insideoutch,
    Many thanks for your wonderful post.
    I feel your pain and we will get through it together, 1 day at a time
    I too am a romantic and was trying every way to try and make it work. The truth is, that she had met someone else and given up on us a month before we split up. This left me high and dry with everything and her seemingly completely fine when the time came.
    I too have the unanswered questions in my head, but the only way to move on is to answer them for yourself, as best you can.
    You are doing the right thing.. concentrate on YOURSELF.. realise how special you are and that you deserve better.
    As you say, the mornings can be brutal.. every day for 2 months, I have woken up, then had the painful realisation after a few seconds of my new predicament. THat is truly horrible. Some days are much better than others.
    Keep fighting.. always here if you need to chat or vent (xbear hugx)
    I find waking up to be the most difficult in the day. For a few seconds, before consciousness fully kicks in, I'm in ignorant bliss. But then I remember. It's real. This is real. A wave of anxiety and sadness comes crashing down, and whether it's 1:30am or 6am, there ain't any way I'm going back to sleep.
    Sucks, but there it is.

  7. #46
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    Morning all,

    18 days no contact (1 month since contact from her)and exactly 2 months since break-up text. Feels more real now than ever.


    Dodged a bullet last night.. didn't see the mutual friend after all.

    Up at 4am.. then couldn't get back to sleep! Even listened to the cricket..you following this Carus?

    The ex's rigid weekly schedule is still etched on my mind and I know where she is likely be on any given day/time. I really need to stop thinking about it. It shouldn't matter to me any more. Except trying to avoid where she will be I guess. Have done well not to see her in 7 weeks.

    Still have nothing of any significance to say to her.. nothing she would want to hear. She has got her own agenda now.

    Still doing most of the things I need to be doing, but the pain is never far from me.. I find myself missing what we had the more time goes on. I also hear horror stories about needing 18 months to fully "get over" a 3 year relationship. Really don't want 16 more months of this shxt.

    I hope everyone is doing well today.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sputnik123
    Up at 4am.. then couldn't get back to sleep! Even listened to the cricket..you following this Carus?
    Ha, yes I am brother...Not a bad idea really....I just turn YouTube back on....

    Extremely worn out today so I've taken a whole sleeper to try and get a full night tonight....I hate meds but sometimes they do have their place...
    Originally Posted by sputnik123
    I also hear horror stories about needing 18 months to fully "get over" a 3 year relationship. Really don't want 16 more months of this shxt.
    Yes I'm worried about this too, but my determination is strong*

    Also, don't worry too much...It might take 12 months or more to fully heal, but it won't be like this for the whole journey....

    Will do a small update before I totally crash....

    Keep it up buddy. So proud of you*
    Carus*

  9. #48
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    Morning all,
    19 days no contact. I cannot break on this.
    Worst night since break up, 2 months ago.
    Feels as fresh now as it did back then.
    The thought of her waking up next to someone else every day is driving me crazy. Knowing there is not a single thing I can do about it.
    The way she treated me, why would I? I have no answers today..
    Abit lost. Need to get out of self-pity mode somehow.
    i hope everyone has a good day.
    Thinking of you at that beach house Carus.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    You're more than welcome here buddy. We'll go for a swim!

    Sry you're having a down day. Still a few to get through for both of us I'm sure....

    Try and get a good sleep at some stage. Emotions get heightened when we're tired that's for sure.

    Carus*

  11. #50
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    Thanks Carus.

    I may well take you up on that one day

    Today has picked up slightly.. i definitely think that the way forward is harnessing the anger over what was done, rather than what I am missing!

    Yes, I think I look forward to sleep more these days, but then hate it when actually wake up! I agree about the emotions aspect.

    Ever onwards!

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