Dating a single mom

Hello ena patrons...

I'm in need of perspective. I've been seeing a single mom for about a year now. There's a bit of a long-distance thing with this relationship, as I've been working on the road quite a bit. We seem to have been navigating that quite well. In fact, I've never had a relationship with such a positive foundation of communication. We speak the same language...and seem to have a similar set of tools for working through conflicts.

She has a six year old daughter who lives with her most of the time. Only child. Up until this past year, she (the daughter) didn't have much of a relationship with her Dad (I don't know the whole story, but there were some personal issues that he needed to deal with before he could be a part of her life). She's been to stay with him for two, month-long periods. At this point though, Mom is still the main parent...24/7.

I've been struggling with this aspect of the relationship. The daughter is pretty demanding...and extremely needy when it comes to having her Mom's attention. She's very jealous of anyone who is spending quality time with Mom (I'm not the only one that experiences this). She seems to be at an age where she's constantly pushing boundaries with other people. Sometimes, it feels like she's running the show (this isn't actually true...I just find myself having that feeling). The distance has made this a little more difficult also, because I'll be gone for a month at times, and then all of a sudden I'm around again. I'm sure it's not an easy thing for the daughter to swallow...having someone show up fairly sporadically to ''steal'' Mom away. I know there are some legit reasons for her behaviour...and the rational me wants to believe that this is just a phase. I'm having trouble envisioning where this relationship is headed though...and this conflict is a big reason for that. How to deal with a somewhat unruly six year old...

Wondering if there are others who have been there and have some perspective to offer...

Thanks for reading...

I am a single mom. You date a single mom, you're getting a package deal.

Our child(ren) are number one priority. Take them or leave them.

This child is six, she has a disrupted home life, you're in and out.

She is mostly with her mom, who is her safety, comfort, and provider of love.

Her attachment and jealousy is not abnormal.

If you can't deal with her, let this mom go so she can find someone who is accepting of her.

And yes, it's a phase. She's six!!!! It will take a great deal for her to get used to you being around

and being in their lives. And if you have these feelings, she may even pick up on them.

Do you get on her level? Play with her? Include her in outings?

If mom has a good handle on the situation - doesn't let her get away with rude behavior, schedules time for the daughter to spend time with her grandparents or father, cousins, etc, enough so you have alone time - then that's what you are looking for. Remember - for a number of years - life was just her and mom - so she clung to mom - and now things are changing and she's insecure. This may very well be something she gets over in the years to come - or she could always cling to mom - but again, its the way mom handles it. ALL kids even if they are from a loving, intact married couple who stayed married test boundaries, and go through periods where parents take great pride in them and alternatively times when their parents are very frustrated with them. Also, things are confusing because suddenly she has her dad back...and now you are dating mom. Does she feel like she has to choose?

I recommend if its only been a year you don't act like you live there, date her mom - its only been a year - and gradually as time goes on be around more but for now you should be at arm's length.

If mom has a good handle on the situation - doesn't let her get away with rude behavior, schedules time for the daughter to spend time with her grandparents or father, cousins, etc, enough so you have alone time - then that's what you are looking for. Remember - for a number of years - life was just her and mom - so she clung to mom - and now things are changing and she's insecure. This may very well be something she gets over in the years to come - or she could always cling to mom - but again, its the way mom handles it. ALL kids even if they are from a loving, intact married couple who stayed married test boundaries, and go through periods where parents take great pride in them and alternatively times when their parents are very frustrated with them. Also, things are confusing because suddenly she has her dad back...and now you are dating mom. Does she feel like she has to choose?

 

I recommend if its only been a year you don't act like you live there, date her mom - its only been a year - and gradually as time goes on be around more but for now you should be at arm's length.

It's been tough to find a balance. There's not a lot of support for Mom out there. Grandma is around occasionally, but can only handle so much time. There's not a lot of family close by (they live on the other side of the country). The situation with Dad is a little more complicated, and is something that will continue to evolve. As of right now, he lives a significant distance away, and it's not possible for him to have regular time with her. So, we're a little stuck in terms of creating space for us to keep growing in a relationship. Doing our best with what we have to work with. Both feeling that it's worthwhile...so that part feels good. Mom needs to have her own autonomy as well, and the more separate she has to keep these different aspects of life, the more difficult it is (we've had a lot of conversations about that). A lot of patience so far...so we have that going for us too.

I don't know if she feels like she has to choose. That's a good question. I don't think so...but then I really can't be sure. Dad is more involved now...but she's known him as Dad for quite awhile...just in a more limited capacity. I know it's not easy for her. Mom is definitely her safe person, and she wants to make sure it stays that way.

Thanks for your thoughts. Gradual is good. Something I need to keep reminding myself of.

Ive never been in this situation but do have sisters who have kids and are not with their baby daddies, the best thing you can do is to treat the daughter with as much attention as you treat the mother. This will also show your partner that you can handle children and will treat her own child as your own. I have many friends who grew up in a household where they had a step dad that treated them like there were someone elses kid and not his responsibility. He really would only spend time with my friends mother and my friend did not like him because of this. Just take that for what ever its worth.

Also as a side note, I lost someone who I loved very much because I traveled for my job all the time. Really makes it hard to keep a love between one another when your gone a lot. Much respect for you and being able to keep the fire going, best of luck to you and hope everything works out.

I can understand your apprehension, but where I'd fault you is in holding it against the daughter. Of course she's going to naturally buck when it comes to someone else having her mom's attention, but if it's as you describe, to an extreme, that's an issue of parenting and what she's being allowed to get away with. Which isn't saying the mom's a bad mom or that I necessarily blame her (was raised by one myself). Plus I haven't seen how you interact with the kid. Still, you may want to reconsider the whole thing. A big reason I didn't date single mothers was because a child is big ol' wild card when dating and a relationships have got plenty as it is, and I'd just rather not play the odds. Granted, that's as a young, never-married guy with no kids of my own, or I might be more inclined.

As you're seeing, aside from killing her with kindness and praying it's enough, you're pretty much helpless as far as solving this situation, and frankly that's as it should be. You're not in any position to do anything about the daughter or enforce such boundaries. Up to you whether both of them are worth it to you to try and stick it out, and whether you can do so without nagging the mother about her daughter.

I am a single mom. You date a single mom, you're getting a package deal.

Our child(ren) are number one priority. Take them or leave them.

This child is six, she has a disrupted home life, you're in and out.

She is mostly with her mom, who is her safety, comfort, and provider of love.

Her attachment and jealousy is not abnormal.

 

If you can't deal with her, let this mom go so she can find someone who is accepting of her.

And yes, it's a phase. She's six!!!! It will take a great deal for her to get used to you being around

and being in their lives. And if you have these feelings, she may even pick up on them.

 

Do you get on her level? Play with her? Include her in outings?

Thanks for sharing your perspective.

We've had some fun together. Shared some good time. Done things as a group, specifically for her. It's not always difficult. Comes and goes in waves, much like any other relationship.

Do you have anything you'd like to share about your own dating experiences as a single mom? What sorts of boundaries did you have with the people you were dating in regards to your kids?

Ive never been in this situation but do have sisters who have kids and are not with their baby daddies, the best thing you can do is to treat the daughter with as much attention as you treat the mother. This will also show your partner that you can handle children and will treat her own child as your own. I have many friends who grew up in a household where they had a step dad that treated them like there were someone elses kid and not his responsibility. He really would only spend time with my friends mother and my friend did not like him because of this. Just take that for what ever its worth.

Also as a side note, I lost someone who I loved very much because I traveled for my job all the time. Really makes it hard to keep a love between one another when your gone a lot. Much respect for you and being able to keep the fire going, best of luck to you and hope everything works out.

Thanks. I appreciate you sharing this. Nothing easy about distance.

Good food for thought. Not integrating with the family UNIT is a recipe for resentment...

Thanks for sharing your perspective.

 

We've had some fun together. Shared some good time. Done things as a group, specifically for her. It's not always difficult. Comes and goes in waves, much like any other relationship.

 

Do you have anything you'd like to share about your own dating experiences as a single mom? What sorts of boundaries did you have with the people you were dating in regards to your kids?

I have one daughter, she's now 14. I'm not one to bring men around, simply because I don't want her to see

a revolving door , different men in and out of our lives. That's not healthy. The last ex I did, only because she

happened to be with me when I met him. He was very good to her, but she was very resistant. And

understandably so. She had never seen me with anyone except her dad, so it was all very hard for her.

Because she's older I could let her sleep at a friends house, or go with her cousins, etc. however there were times

he and I couldn't get together because I had obligations to her, and he was patient and understanding with it.

A 6 year old needs a great deal more. I'm assuming you don't have children.

Trust me, it's just as draining on mom as it is for you . We do like alone adult time!

But you have to work with her and daughter, and be patient if you want to stay with this woman.

If you get on her, she will get defensive to protect her daughter, I assure you.

I know quickly if someone is interested in just me, or if they will care for her also.

And the ones I've met that had no interest to ask about her, I dropped, lol.

I can understand your apprehension, but where I'd fault you is in holding it against the daughter. Of course she's going to naturally buck when it comes to someone else having her mom's attention, but if it's as you describe, to an extreme, that's an issue of parenting and what she's being allowed to get away with. Which isn't saying the mom's a bad mom or that I necessarily blame her (was raised by one myself). Plus I haven't seen how you interact with the kid. Still, you may want to reconsider the whole thing. A big reason I didn't date single mothers was because a child is big ol' wild card when dating and a relationships have got plenty as it is, and I'd just rather not play the odds. Granted, that's as a young, never-married guy with no kids of my own, or I might be more inclined.

 

As you're seeing, aside from killing her with kindness and praying it's enough, you're pretty much helpless as far as solving this situation, and frankly that's as it should be. You're not in any position to do anything about the daughter or enforce such boundaries. Up to you whether both of them are worth it to you to try and stick it out, and whether you can do so without nagging the mother about her daughter.

Wild card. I've used that term more than once. It's a world of uncertainty. One of life's greatest adventures.

You might be right. I might be holding it against her. I'll have to sit with that. Obviously not fair...and not helpful at all. Like I mentioned in the original post, there's obviously good reason for some of her behaviour...and it's up to her Mom to work with her on that, to help her get through it and learn some better behaviours. I think they're on the right track.

Nice to know that people get that it's not an easy situation. Relationships can be difficult enough when it's just one person you have to relate with. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was worth it.

Thanks...

Wild card. I've used that term more than once. It's a world of uncertainty. One of life's greatest adventures.

 

You might be right. I might be holding it against her. I'll have to sit with that. Obviously not fair...and not helpful at all. Like I mentioned in the original post, there's obviously good reason for some of her behaviour...and it's up to her Mom to work with her on that, to help her get through it and learn some better behaviours. I think they're on the right track.

 

Nice to know that people get that it's not an easy situation. Relationships can be difficult enough when it's just one person you have to relate with. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was worth it.

 

Thanks...

Remember, children are impressionable, and resilient too.

You have a really good chance of bonding with her daughter because of her age.

The younger, the easier it is. But it takes time and consistency.

I don't know if she feels like she has to choose. That's a good question. I don't think so...but then I really can't be sure. Dad is more involved now...but she's known him as Dad for quite awhile...just in a more limited capacity. I know it's not easy for her. Mom is definitely her safe person, and she wants to make sure it stays that way.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Gradual is good. Something I need to keep reminding myself of.

It was just her and mom (with dad in the background) and now all the sudden there are two men in the mix -- she is going away for a month at a time to see dad and then she goes away and you are around for a month at a time and then you go away. There's not a lot of consistency and she may be rebelling because she has no control over anything. I am not saying kids should be the one in control - but there is security and routine and stability and she doesn't have much routine and stability if she is flown or carted out to be with dad a whole month, then back, and then its her and mom and suddenly you are around again, etc. Mom is her only constant.

This sounds like very typical 6 year old behavior that might be present even in an intact family.

Instead of repeating what many have already said--I'll add these comments--based on being married then divorced and having had 1bf (xbf now)who my daughters got to know--(& they can tell I had more feelings about bf than dad---a conflict all in itself....)

---Dads can experience the same feelings of resentment over losing time with their wife/gf because of the needs of the child.

---This child will have confusion over the importance of her dad as compared to you. I'm sure she is secretly wondering if she is going to need to 1)spend a month with you too, 2) if you are going to be her dad, replacement dad or other idea 3)concerned about betraying real daddy by harbor in positive thoughts about you. Etc etc.

---When this child has to go to 1-month visitation there is a open pandora a box of anxiety for both her and her mom about letting/having her go. That anxiety is going to be there from the time she knows mom is prepping her suitcases until possibly a month after she gets back. I've seen this first hand with another family.

---I'm guessing that secretly, many times, your gf wishes that she kept you secret and/or never met her daughter---and that would be to erase whatever stress is presenting

--It seems to me that you must have a pretty darn good relationship with gf if neither of you is coming close to breaking up yet.

---can you see this relationship going the distance to intentions of forever? Does that include caring for her daughter as if she was our child? If your gut doesn't tell you these things---I would start listening to it.

---If you decide to end it--99% here on ENA will say make a clean break. But I disagree. The gf #1 job of caring for her daughter will be disrupted if she's the type that will get thrown into depression. So be careful with that

--Also for the well being of this child, she cannot be made to or let think that any of her behavior affects the direction of her mother's relationships--even if it's true.

--Golden rule for me w bf/potential bf is ---if the guy doesn't think my kids are awesome, even when they're being imperfect--dude can hit the bricks & I don't even care to be friends w the guy. I'm confident that a large portion of moms feel the same way.

---Think about if dating for you would be more fulfilling if you found a woman who was at the same status as you--(no kids).

---This relationship just might be so good that you can be comfortable: raising someone else's child, dealing with baby daddy, understanding that LTR with gf never had a "just the two of you" phase.

---It is becoming my opinion, based on experience that it is probably best to date someone who understands my plight in life. In my case--then I prefer a man with children 10 years + or - mine, so I know I'm dealing with a man who understands parenting.

Once you do have children, I believe that you will ha e a greater appreciation for all that your gf is doing for her daughter while trying to keep a relationship with you.

Good luck.

I'm wondering what the child is actually jealous of? How often are you with them? At what times?

I am a single mum with two children. When I have been in a relationship our time is mostly limited to dates outside the home or time in the home when children are in bed. I wouldn't spend every weekend with the boyfriend because I think that makes him , too much, part of the family when ...he is not. But certainly an outing one day every other weekend with all of us together seemed to work fine. The first year, in my opinion, is about the couple getting to know each other. A lot of breakups happen around this mark. Then if all is going well, a gradual integration of him into our family unit is fine as long as its done with care and understanding.

And this will sound awful but....kids loves treats and candy. Bring a little something now and then (not too much) and that child will be all over you.

It's a hard call, and every case is different because people, children and adults are all different. I brought my so. Up mostly on my own, and aim glad that I didn't enter any live-in relationships while son was living with me. Then when he was grown up, for a time, I was step-mother to 2 teenagers, a not and girl. Teenagers were harder in a different sort of way. Having said that, I think they were probably harder in the birth parents than they were of me - and that's saying something! That relationship didn't survive, but I wouldn't say the children were the only reason for that.

At the end of the day, no matter what other people's experiences are, it will be about whether you want to be with the child's mother enough. I thinkmthst in most cases, if the new partner is around from when the child is quite young like this one, then the teenage years are better because has been time for bonding and trust.

I think everyone has pretty much covered every angle already...

I just wanted to say that based on your responses here, you seem like a wonderful guy, open to suggestions and constructive criticism, and committed to your family-to-be.

I was a single mother, I met my husband when my daughter was only one year old. She was too young to really care, but I had just bought my first house, raising a baby on my own, so I had a lot going on. My husband was willing to have an on going discussion about what we do, how we do things, what I need from him and vice versa, what's best for my daughter, etc.

There's no one right way to handle this, and the family dynamic will constantly change as the little girl gets older, you guys get closer, etc. Just keep the conversation going with mom and daughter, you will do just fine. They are lucky girls.

How is she testing boundaries with other people?

I've not been a single mother in the dating world, but I agree with others that testing boundaries at this age is rather normal developmentally. I believe it's a developmental stage where their world becomes bigger, they head out into the world a bit more, a bit more independence. Testing boundaries comes with exploring that bigger world. Add to that, the world is testing her old boundaries by the change in her father's involvement, and by you entering that world. It might be a confusing time for her.

I feel for you all, navigating this territory. Thinking of the daughter, I can't imagine being six and being sent away for a whole month to stay with a man I hardly know. Twice. It may be a perfectly fine situation for her, but inwardly there might adjustment that takes time to process both during and after. I have a couple friends, older than me, who were sent away from home for a time when they were young because of family situations (sick mother both times, I think), and it had a lasting affect on them, a sense of loss or rejection or abandonment. While it is done for the best of reasons, it isn't necessarily an easy adjustment for anyone. And you might be getting hit by some of the fallout.

That said, I have seen a successful situation with a friend (single mom, 2 young kids) finding a partner (no kids); they eventually married and raised the two children together into adulthood. In her case the father was close by and very involved, and she had family relatively close who played an active part. When distance is added for you and her family members, it sounds more complicated.

Patience. I think it takes loads of patience. (I know it takes that even when not single or dating.)

This is why I do not seriously date single mothers anymore. I understand and was very patient with them.

Just too many variables involved that can and do mess up the situation that you have no control over

Keep dating her if you would like but I would make her less of a priority and start seeing to her women without children

I would like to add my 2 cents here... These are strictly from personal experiences:

I divorced 4 years ago and I am a single 43year old dad with 2 kids. My son is 17 and my daughter is 11... I share my kids with my EX wife 50/50... One week on and one week off... So my kids have actually the best of both worlds as me and my EX are both very involved with our kids, and both of us are on good terms (as in, we both agree on school things and behavior)... Basically, we both have the same style of parenting and we both encourage our kids to love both parents etc... All in all our kids are very accepting, they are social, they are stress free, they have a good life... For the most, the Ex-wife and I have done things right...

However, since my divorce I had 2 long term relationships (both were moms of 3plus kids).

One relationship lasted 1 year and the most recent one (which I am recovering from right now) lasted over 2.5 years...

I won't make this a long blown out story, but some lessons I learned...

Both of these women had sole custody of their kids and the dad's were scraping the bottom of the barrel to pay the child support... Both dad's saw the kids minimum of 1 day a week... Both of the dad's were still extremely hung up on these women and one dad actually was even sending "I beg you to take me back" text messages non stop.... Both of these dad's were so stuck (did not move on), that it was annoying to hear and see the texts etc.... So, basically me and my EX wife, we have moved on, and we had a healthy, friendly, amicable relationship as parents.... But these women had drama in their lives... Constant drama....

One woman (1 year relationship) had 3 younger kids, but it was obvious that the kids had daddy issues... She did not work and basically lived off the child support... She was very well capable of working, but her choice was to not work... With that said, it was very difficult for me to date her as she expected me to pay for everything... Being a single dad of 2 of my own kids and trying to pay for her and 3 additional kids was a huge burden on me... She even stated that she was looking for a rescue... Basically she was looking for a guy to do it all.... Eventually I had to walk out...

The other woman (2.5 year relationship) has a job and does ok for herself, however her EX hubby is depressed, has anxiety, holds a minimum wage job, barely gives her child support and non stop texts her and begs her to take him back... I met this guy once and it was weird...Very weird... They have been divorced for 9 years, but this guy is so stuck on her, it was pathetic to see this... Again, mom of 4 kids and drama central... Kids had daddy issues also which made things up hill for me... Although we tried to make this work, the red flags would pop up all over the place... The red flags were mainly her kids... But in addition, I realized how much she (the mom) contributed to the drama...

1. Since her divorce, she had scores of men come and go... Revolving door... Which put a bad taste in her kids mouth and bad ideas in their heads about men in general... I was the longest out of all those guys, and I made the biggest strides, but no matter what I did, those kids hated me with a passion....

2. She has 4 kids: 20 Girl, 19 Girl, 16 Boy and 6 Girl... Although she has been divorced for 9 plus years, she took her EX hubby back once for another 2 years (did not re-marry him) and that is how the 6 year old came about... That action gave the other kids false hope... All kids want mom and dad to be together... I don't care who says what, but kids always want their parents back together... So if you gonna divorce, then do it once and be done with it.... Do not give the kids false hope because it resonates in their heads that perhaps it can happen again (as in mom and dad can re-unite again)... So her kids were stuck on that... 2 of the kids (the 20 and 19) wanted nothing to do with me or my kids... We were viewed by them as primal enemy's... We were disrespected by them non stop... To a point where my kids became angry about it and asked me to get out of that relationship... 2 of them had extreme social anxiety issues (19 and 16) which added more issues to the plate... The only one that was open to any of this was the 6 year old... She viewed me as a dad... I truly had a great relationship with that little girl... Although she was somewhat selfish and controlling, she was no where near as controlling as the 2 older girls... Those 2 did everything to sabotage the relationship in every way possible... Eventually we fell apart...

3. She (my EX GF) never took the time to develop the kids properly... Already the kids had a lack of a male figure in their lives and they had mom control issues as it is, but what concerned me was that she was in denial about the 2 kids that needed serious mental help... I won't go into details, but it was quite a challenge...

4. The 2 oldest (20 and 19) Never had boyfriends, but because they saw scores of men come and go throughout the years, those 2 girls were relationship experts and viewed men as scum of the earth... It was a challenge to communicate with those 2, find common ground, prove myself etc... I was at a lost and gave up... Never was able to connect with those 2 or even find anything to talk about... However once I overheard a conversation that those 2 held with my EX and I heard them tell her that she could do better than me...That I was this and that, and not good enough for her... All lies... I also overheard a convo that those 2 had alone (did not know that I was in the adjacent room) where they were plotting to destroy the relationship because they wanted mom all to themselves and I was in the way... So basically the 2 oldest girls were on a mission to sabotage us in any way possible... And so they did...

In conclusion, the 2 oldest girls were successful... We fell apart...

What specifically are your reservations?

I'd personally want to know more about the situation with the bio dad , if I were in your position and considering a serious future with this family.

When I was dating, I was open to single dads but it was highly dependent on the situation. For me personally, not being a mom but knowing if I got involved seriously it was a commitment to the child too, I wasn't open to 'open' parent figure who was not a steady reliable parent to the child. It was either a shared agreement, or other parent out of the picture entirely.

Again, personally, I've just seen too much damage done to kids with a bio parent coming and going like that. I have strong feelings and views about it that have come from first hand experience with many children.

Couple the bio dad situation with that the child has few? other steady adults in her life and mom has little support, I really think that will impact that little girl for a long time.

This sounds like very typical 6 year old behavior that might be present even in an intact family.

 

Instead of repeating what many have already said--I'll add these comments--based on being married then divorced and having had 1bf (xbf now)who my daughters got to know--(& they can tell I had more feelings about bf than dad---a conflict all in itself....)

Thanks for taking the time to lay this all out. Definitely some things I hadn't really considered.

The arrangement with her Dad seems alright. It wasn't a forced thing. She had the choice to opt out if it didn't feel good for her. She opted in...and from what I've gathered, enjoyed her time with Dad. Hard to know exactly what she's feeling though. Mom's a little tight-lipped at times. She'll talk to me about it if I ask, but often seems keen to shut the conversation down.

I think I'm probably the one that wishes we hadn't been introduced so soon. I'd met the daughter long before we were together...but in those initial stages of getting together, I think it would've been better not to be around the daughter at all. I had a previous relationship with a single mom where this was the deal. I didn't meet her kids until quite awhile into it. Seemed smoother for everyone. Feels unfortunate that this one didn't go that way. Although, chances are we wouldn't have spent any time together at all if it'd gone that way. She didn't have any real personal time when we first got together.

--It seems to me that you must have a pretty darn good relationship with gf if neither of you is coming close to breaking up yet.

---can you see this relationship going the distance to intentions of forever? Does that include caring for her daughter as if she was our child? If your gut doesn't tell you these things---I would start listening to it.

---If you decide to end it--99% here on ENA will say make a clean break. But I disagree. The gf #1 job of caring for her daughter will be disrupted if she's the type that will get thrown into depression. So be careful with that

--Also for the well being of this child, she cannot be made to or let think that any of her behavior affects the direction of her mother's relationships--even if it's true.

--Golden rule for me w bf/potential bf is ---if the guy doesn't think my kids are awesome, even when they're being imperfect--dude can hit the bricks & I don't even care to be friends w the guy. I'm confident that a large portion of moms feel the same way.

---Think about if dating for you would be more fulfilling if you found a woman who was at the same status as you--(no kids).

---This relationship just might be so good that you can be comfortable: raising someone else's child, dealing with baby daddy, understanding that LTR with gf never had a "just the two of you" phase.

My gut. It tells me something different day-to-day. There's so much good about this relationship that I can see it going the distance...or some version of that. I've made some plans to be a bit more settled come January. A big part of that decision is to offer a little more in the way of consistency to this relationship...and possibly the relationship with the daughter. I'll admit...there's nothing in me at this point that is jumping up and down with excitement about that prospect. I feel like I owe it to the relationship to make a concerted effort though. Perhaps with some better boundaries in place, it will feel better for everyone.

Thanks again. Some things to consider...

I'm wondering what the child is actually jealous of? How often are you with them? At what times?

 

I am a single mum with two children. When I have been in a relationship our time is mostly limited to dates outside the home or time in the home when children are in bed. I wouldn't spend every weekend with the boyfriend because I think that makes him , too much, part of the family when ...he is not. But certainly an outing one day every other weekend with all of us together seemed to work fine. The first year, in my opinion, is about the couple getting to know each other. A lot of breakups happen around this mark. Then if all is going well, a gradual integration of him into our family unit is fine as long as its done with care and understanding.

 

And this will sound awful but....kids loves treats and candy. Bring a little something now and then (not too much) and that child will be all over you.

I wonder what she's jealous of too. Time spent is similar to what you've mentioned for yourself. After hours in the house...or the occasional night out when she can swing some childcare. We've had the odd afternoon where I'm around and we get up to something as a unit. There's also been the occasional evening where I'm around for dinner. And there were the periods where Dad was the parent. I tend to agree, this is the time for us to get to know each other on a more one-on-one basis. And there has been time for that. She's been so good about creating little nuggets of space....

I think Mom struggles a bit with the idea of being divided. At least for now, it's really difficult to integrate her life as a parent with her life as a single woman...as an individual. She worries that there will always be this divide.

Ah treats. I've noticed that. Maybe there's a way to do it without the sugar.

Thanks for your perspective.

Given how you feel about the daughter I’d quit letting the girl spend time with you and get attached especially since you’re not sure you’re going to stick around. I agree with the others that she not overly needy - she’s six. My son is 8 and I went back to work part time a year ago and that’s an adjustment too. What I do actually is avoid making plans with friends if I am with him because it’s not fair to either my friend or my son to divide my attention that way. I can’t imagine including him on a date if I were a single mom or spending that kind of time. For her sake please back off spending time with her and hopefully the mom can make one on one time for you.

Given how you feel about the daughter I’d quit letting the girl spend time with you and get attached especially since you’re not sure you’re going to stick around. I agree with the others that she not overly needy - she’s six. My son is 8 and I went back to work part time a year ago and that’s an adjustment too. What I do actually is avoid making plans with friends if I am with him because it’s not fair to either my friend or my son to divide my attention that way. I can’t imagine including him on a date if I were a single mom or spending that kind of time. For her sake please back off spending time with her and hopefully the mom can make one on one time for you.

Tending to agree with this...

Something we've talked about...

What specifically are your reservations?

 

I'd personally want to know more about the situation with the bio dad , if I were in your position and considering a serious future with this family.

 

When I was dating, I was open to single dads but it was highly dependent on the situation. For me personally, not being a mom but knowing if I got involved seriously it was a commitment to the child too, I wasn't open to 'open' parent figure who was not a steady reliable parent to the child. It was either a shared agreement, or other parent out of the picture entirely.

Again, personally, I've just seen too much damage done to kids with a bio parent coming and going like that. I have strong feelings and views about it that have come from first hand experience with many children.

 

Couple the bio dad situation with that the child has few? other steady adults in her life and mom has little support, I really think that will impact that little girl for a long time.

Interesting. Steady, reliable parent...or bust. Actually makes sense. Would certainly lend itself to a lot less potential for confusion. Maybe.

Too soon to tell whether bio-Dad will have reliable membership. Significant time spent is a new thing. He actually came for a couple of weeks in early November and rented a place close by so he could participate in the daily routine. I think it shows a willingness to be present.

Steady adults. There's Grandma. And Mom's best friend...who has always been around. No consistent male presence. I wonder how much that plays into it...

Reservations. I wonder if it'll always feel like this. Most visits, there's some pretty awful behaviour. I'm not sure how I'll relate with her. I've found boys pretty easy in the past. I'm just myself...and that's enough. This is different...