I'm grieving over the end of a "relationship" I never had...

I am a successful business owner, wife and mother of 3 beautiful kids. I am on my second marriage, as my first husband and I married young and we weren't ready for the real world. My now husband and I have been married for 12 years, we work hard, and have a nice life. We own multiple small businesses ranging from clothing stores to hardware stores... in which we work and run together. Overall, I was happy.. albeit a bit run down and overworked. I am 36, too old for drama, and I am in love with another married man. . I am not "that" type of person...or at least I didn't think I was. He just walked into my life out of nowhere and my attraction to him was immediate, intense and he had not even yet spoken a word. Once he did, my affection for him only grew instantly. He is also married with kids and owns a very successful business in one town over. We have a lot in common.. so conversation came easily, more frequent and he became the highlight of my long days. For months, we talked every chance we got, we texted even more.. and I now know that we were doing was having a more "emotional" affair than physical.. but it was only a matter of time before I think things would have intensified. To be fair, I am the one that opened that door. I'm still surprised at myself. Our barrier was our work schedule, and we could never have more than 30 minutes alone together so other than a hug and a kiss, we spent most of the time enjoying each other in conversation. Racked with guilt at first (that was for both of us) we decided it best to keep it more professional as we had an equal amount to lose and we both were happy with the way it was..talking everyday, stealing a kiss...having fun seeing each other in public and even with our spouses.

Maybe crossing the line, but not to the point where I couldn't live with myself and felt the fear of eternal doom. It stopped feeling wrong but more like a natural routine and part of my life. He was making my home life easier. I was happier at work, taking better care of myself and found my spouse more tolerable (he has a bad temper and only talks about work). I was at work one day while my husband was there as well and HE walked in. It was fine at first, but my husband told me it was obvious as the sun in the sky that we had feelings for each other and accused us of something going on right there on the spot. Turns out, he knew he was stopping by too often..so, essentially..our we were busted. So, after a painful week of convincing my husband that we were only in the "friend zone" my husband agreed to let it go..he's never had a reason not to trust me until now.. but I have not seen or heard from my guy since. Not a text to see if I'm okay, not a call...nothing..even though he knows things got really bad at home. I know it scared him since we are both known in the community and he fears his wife may find out...I don't know what I was thinking but he filled the holes in my heart. My husband thinks that I am stupid and naive. He has parented me through this like a child and a predator stating that "guys like him prey on women like me"...so, to keep the peace, I just let him think that...I am a terrible person for feeling more heart broken missing my "friend" than trying to repair my soul.

I have the motto of being classy, not crazy, so I won't dare call or text him. As the days pass, I'm starting to think my husband was right and maybe I was just being played since I would think that a "friend" would care enough to see if I'm okay...but I refuse to believe it but no contact is killing me....i've all but willed him to call me. I'm not saying that our actions were right, I'm not going to justify any conversation, but we never said anything about having a serious relationship our leaving the lives we have. I feel dumped, used and desperate...Can anyone shed light to me on what my not just a guy friend is thinking, feeling, doing???? Be honest. It can't hurt anymore than I do.

I'm confused about your story. Your husband basically "caught" you and you're wondering why your emo boyfriend stopped texting you? Hello! Isn't it obvious? He's trying to both protect your reputation and his own reputation. I also don't see how he preyed on you. Marriage can be isolating, so it's not unusual for two lonely people to connect emotionally. Also, has he blocked you? How about you contacting him to tell him you calmed your husband down and ask him how does he feel about what happened? He may be worried about endangering his marriage and his business. There's an incredible risk to just keep talking to you. I can't believe you just automatically thought you were being dumped -- perhaps this was a flashback to your first marriage. But you're on extremely sensitive ground here and you should consider that both of you are at risk and not just think about yourself.

I get that you're feeling devastated right now, but there will come a time when you realise you had a lucky escape. This guy is doing the decent thing and has nipped in the bud something which could have destroyed two families - and with no mention of a future together for the two of you.

The best thing he could do is to cut all contact - otherwise he could have continued to string you along and keep you emotionally conflicted until your husband actually did kick you out. While you describe him as filling 'a hole in your heart', if you're going to get past this, you need to have a look at that hole. There are ways of leading a meaningful and fulfilling life without infidelity or being party to someone else's fidelity - and for your own sanity you need to find one. If you want to save your marriage, then you and your husband need to do a lot of talking.

Unlike a relationship between two people who are otherwise unattached, having extra-marital affairs (however you care to dress them up) are likely to have the most horrible fallout for innocent people, not least the two sets of children involved.

You're right to stick to your motto of 'classy not crazy', and please keep it like that! Unlike your marriage, your relationship with your colleague has never been tested, never had to cope with solving problems together and is still in the realms of fantasy.

This man did not use you, you were a willing participant.

You are both married.

You say he was your friend, and get upset he doesn't check on you. No. You weren't friends.

Friends don't kiss and have thoughts of getting more physical if they could sneak the time in to do so.

Never mind the fact you lied to your husband. This guy is out to protect himself, not you.

Learn from it. Your loyalty should be to your husband. If you're not happy, then leave.

While this all seems new and exciting to you Suzann, trust me when I say, it's nothing new.

You may think it was love at first site, but the fact is you were having trouble with your husband and marriage. (Lonely and abused?)

Afraid to confront and fix that issue, you were easy prey to any predator who walked through that door.

Yes, he took one look at you and he knew.

As I type, he's doing the same thing somewhere else.

Stay with us awhile and you'll see.

Thank you for your responses and I appreciate the bluntness and help. Being from the south, we tend to sugar coat things a little more and this is a time that I didn't need that because, obviously, its not like I can talk to a friend or family member about this.

As I go back and read what I wrote (noting that I actually felt better after I had written it), I sound as pathetic as I feel. The thing is, none of you said anything that I didn't already think or know..it just validated the horribleness of the situation. I still hurt, and I started to text him just now until I had the sense enough to hop back in on here and you kept me from doing a grave mistake that would have set back healing. I know I seem cold hearted towards my husband, and I'm really trying. Things are back to normal as they can be at home, but I'm silently suffering. My husband knows that I am hurting, and he isn't dumb as to why. He loves me enough to let me get through this..he just wants me to see this guy for what he thinks he is. It doesn't help his commercials, trucks, billboards, friends are everywhere..not to mention he is a huge into his church (yes, I know...). So, yes..our behavior was super stupid but for the moment, no matter how fleeting, I was happier than ever. From what you are saying, this was very temporary before things got bad..which was inevitable. No good was going to come from this. I am learning about myself, though. I'm learning that I work so much to keep my husband happy since its all he knows to do. He's 10 years older, and that has never been an issue other than I would like to go out with friends, and he doesn't.

Someone mentioned that this other guy may be doing the same elsewhere, and I guess that is very possible making my husband also correct. Though I will not go as far to say that I am in a bad or abusive marriage, I am in a very controlled environment. I hardly have friends because I work all of the time, so what time I do have goes to my family. My husband has never liked me to have friends, so sometimes I think that even if I had not crossed the line, the end result would have been the same...and it may not have mattered if someone adverting my attention was just a female friend.

I still feel empty but if I know I'm doing the right thing for all involved, then I can do this. How much time is going to take to stop feeling like this???

"Yes, he took one look at you and he knew.

As I type, he's doing the same thing somewhere else.

Stay with us awhile and you'll see."

THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Posted by Lester

So, the general opinion is that he will move on to the next willing person? Why is everyone so quick to assume this? Is this just a common pattern?

So, the general opinion is that he will move on to the next willing person? Why is everyone so quick to assume this? Is this just a common pattern?

Yes, it is. As Lester says, "stay with us a while and you'll see".

Also, the high you experience at the beginning of a relationship - all hormone-fuelled and starry-eyed - can only last so long before reality bites. And that's in relationships where there are no complications. There will come a time when you will feel grateful that it didn't get as far as biting for you.

As to how long it takes to get over this sort of thing... I guess it varies from person to person and is much the same with any crush.

Thank you for your response. No, he has not blocked me that I know of as I have not tried to contact him. Our last conversation, he stated that things need to settle and I agreed BUT he promised he would call me later that same day and I never heard a word..but then I finally got the dreaded "Sorry, been busy" text which was days and days ago so, for me, that felt like a bullet and I did not respond back and nothing since. I don't want to contact him out of fear of the response...or no response at all. Of course I feel dumped...I would at leas appreciate some sort of something....there are multiple ways to contact people these days...especially me having multiple phones...and he wasn't too busy before...so...

Leaving religion and even morality out of it, what you did was wrong. And you need to understand why you justified to yourself potentially gravely injuring many innocent people, starting with your kids. Being poor is no excuse to steal. Being angry is no excuse to lash out and hurt someone and being lonely is never an excuse to cheat.

>> and it may not have mattered if someone adverting my attention was just a female friend.

No, my dear. I assure you that is very much different when it's another man..

Chalk this one up to experience and move on. If you no longer love your husband have the integrity & kindness to leave him rather than cheat on him again.

Thank you for your response. No, he has not blocked me that I know of as I have not tried to contact him. Our last conversation, he stated that things need to settle and I agreed BUT he promised he would call me later that same day and I never heard a word..but then I finally got the dreaded "Sorry, been busy" text which was days and days ago so, for me, that felt like a bullet and I did not respond back and nothing since. I don't want to contact him out of fear of the response...or no response at all. Of course I feel dumped...I would at leas appreciate some sort of something....there are multiple ways to contact people these days...especially me having multiple phones...and he wasn't too busy before...so...

What can he say to make this better?

Phew, close call?!

Reality check?

Too much to lose, yah think?

I don't know. It just makes me feel disillusioned. I am by far from conservative, yet I think when you take and oath and marry someone, you don't find yourself in these positions.

"it just happened" No, you have to be a willing participant and feed the source for it to happen.

Ok. . I'll get down off my soap box.

You don't know what's going through his mind right now.

Just give it some time and recognize how fortunate your life is and put that energy you waste on him into your family.

I think they deserve it.

Thank you for your response. No, he has not blocked me that I know of as I have not tried to contact him. Our last conversation, he stated that things need to settle and I agreed BUT he promised he would call me later that same day and I never heard a word..but then I finally got the dreaded "Sorry, been busy" text which was days and days ago so, for me, that felt like a bullet and I did not respond back and nothing since. I don't want to contact him out of fear of the response...or no response at all. Of course I feel dumped...I would at leas appreciate some sort of something....there are multiple ways to contact people these days...especially me having multiple phones...and he wasn't too busy before...so...

Looks to me like he's trying to do the right thing and stay away from you. Looks like he realised he's doing wrong and doesn't want to get involved in an affair. Kudos to him. Why don't you do the same? Respect his marriage and family. Respect YOUR marriage and family and do all you can to stay away and NOT contact him. No contact is the right way to go, for both of you. Start focusing on your marriage and if you are unhappy, try marriage counselling or get a divorce. Cheating is never the answer. Think of your children too. And his. Two broken families. Not nice.

Though I will not go as far to say that I am in a bad or abusive marriage, I am in a very controlled environment. My husband has never liked me to have friends,...

This ^ Suzann, is where you need to concentrate. It is the reason you became vulnerable to sexual predators.

In a loving, caring way (yes, he's most likely hurting), you must sit down with your husband and tell him what needs to change.

He'll listen.

Btw - The other guy backing off is just part of the script. He's by no means done with you! You'll see shortly.

I am a little surprised at how many of you like to put out there what I have done is wrong. Do you honestly think I don't know that? How detrimental it could be to my family and his?? Its tough with you not knowing me so when I say that if you were my in person friends, you would be shocked. I mean shocked. So, before any of you say "I would never" and "I don't understand how"...I pray that you don't find yourself in this hell. I was like that before now and rolled my eyes at people like "me". I now hope to find compassion for those in this situation just like I do for those that are addicts and have had abortions. Self destructors. This is not much different, because we all have choices. I'm looking for help on how to salvage my sanity but my feelings for him are not going to go away soon. I am trying to focus on my marriage and family just like I always have up until this point.

I don't mind a soap box as long as its not about what I did was so crappy. I came here because I'm sad and trying to deal with the said situation. Lester, you seem to be the most spot on. You are right about a lot, and you were right about him not being done. I got a call this morning and I think it was because I am out of routine today (re: not at my usual Wednesday work spot). I did not answer. It was tough, but I didn't. And I feel better that he did call..it may be the closure I needed. Just remember, though...I am not a bleached blonde , nor am I an overweight soccer mom (see how stereotyped there...). I'm in the kitchen cooking like a good wife and mother so I can post beautiful pics on FB tomorrow. Lester, I would appreciate you spare me the suspense and just go ahead and tell me how this is going to play out....lol.

Do you want to continue with this "friendship"?

we all have choices. I'm looking for help on how to salvage my sanity but my feelings for him are not going to go away soon.

Have you ever considered counselling/therapy for yourself? A neutral party to talk to. If not marriage counselling, then do this for yourself. I think you would benefit from it.

I am a little surprised at how many of you like to put out there what I have done is wrong. Do you honestly think I don't know that? How detrimental it could be to my family and his?? Its tough with you not knowing me so when I say that if you were my in person friends, you would be shocked. I mean shocked. So, before any of you say "I would never" and "I don't understand how"...I pray that you don't find yourself in this hell. I was like that before now and rolled my eyes at people like "me". I now hope to find compassion for those in this situation just like I do for those that are addicts and have had abortions. Self destructors. This is not much different, because we all have choices. I'm looking for help on how to salvage my sanity but my feelings for him are not going to go away soon. I am trying to focus on my marriage and family just like I always have up until this point.

 

I don't mind a soap box as long as its not about what I did was so crappy. I came here because I'm sad and trying to deal with the said situation. Lester, you seem to be the most spot on. You are right about a lot, and you were right about him not being done. I got a call this morning and I think it was because I am out of routine today (re: not at my usual Wednesday work spot). I did not answer. It was tough, but I didn't. And I feel better that he did call..it may be the closure I needed. Just remember, though...I am not a bleached blonde , nor am I an overweight soccer mom (see how stereotyped there...). I'm in the kitchen cooking like a good wife and mother so I can post beautiful pics on FB tomorrow. Lester, I would appreciate you spare me the suspense and just go ahead and tell me how this is going to play out....lol.

I understand falling prey to this when you are in an unhappy marriage.

Even in unhappy relationships this happens.

Bottom line, you are both married. That alone should have been the reason to not get involved.

I was with a married man when I was very young, didn't know at the time. I know how they can suck you in, believe me.

But you had to realize at the end of the day, this was going to cause you nothing but pain in the end.

I'm not blaming you, being vulnerable is a tough spot to be in. But you have to have the control

to remove yourself from it. We all make mistakes, he'll I could write a book on mine. I fall for narcissistic men, and Ive had psych courses. Just be strong enough to keep distance. Cordial but not overstepping boundaries. He will respect you more for this. It will show respect for both of your marriages, which it appears he lacks within his own.

Lester, I would appreciate you spare me the suspense and just go ahead and tell me how this is going to play out....lol.

He will continue to play the hurt puppy routine, call/contact somehow (which has already happened), you will feel empowered, which in turn raise your emotional level. He will craftily use these to anger you more against your husband.

The full sexual affair will quickly follow.

Your husbands nature/knowledge will guarantee the affair will will be short lived.

The discovery won't be as much of a shock as the first discovery. (He's been mulling over leaving you every waking minute.)

He'll file.

The other guy will bolt. (They don't do well in the light of day)

The divorce will happen, and you be left wondering want happened.

Of course there can be other outcomes..., but this is my best guess.

I agree with everything you said. Thank you.

Just as an update..and I do really appreciate all of the responses (even if reading the cold, hard truth is painful)...Lester, again, the sense of empowerment. I was actually proud of myself for not giving in and not calling first. I did have a good Thanksgiving, and tried to put all of this out of my mind. I have considered going to a talk to someone, and I probably will. I do live in a small town so options.. even miles over.. are limited.

I am in a different position than so many other women...as in financially I'm secure and I have my own place(s) to go. I sometimes wonder if that's why women like me fall in this trap. I don't need my husband for security. I know that sounds harsh, but its almost like knowing having that freedom makes this less scary. As far as my kids, I guess I don't worry about them with all of this the way you think that I should because they live a very charmed life and frankly, their father has very little to do with them or for them. They wouldn't notice if he weren't here because he's not here anyway.

No, this not another deep rooted issue...its just always been like this. I have made a decision though. For ME, I am removing myself for the situation. I'm taking a break with just my kids and myself for a couple of weeks. My husband has agreed, and I've agreed to get a new cell phone number and my husband wants me to no longer work at the stores full time. So, there's a start. Now, if I can get rid of this heart ache. Honestly, having no contact is helping. So, if I an stay strong...

I have made a decision though. For ME, I am removing myself for the situation. I'm taking a break with just my kids and myself for a couple of weeks. My husband has agreed, and I've agreed to get a new cell phone number and my husband wants me to no longer work at the stores full time. So, there's a start. .

Well done! Great to hear it. I wish you well.

I assume you came from compatible backgrounds, the marriage wasn't forced/trapped and you were happy for quite some time.

At some point your husband began to take you for granted and neglect you, the marriage and the family.

You reacted with common-knowledge fix-it's but he just ignored you.

Now you had some sort of watered down, partial heart to heart, but not a REAL, lay it all out there, "I want a genuine, real marriage or I'm out of here" conversation.

Was it like this Suzanne? If not, tell me what's different.

Helpful hints:

- Neglected marriages happen for three reasons: 1) He became his Father or some other screwed-up mentor. 2) Your fear of him and getting the marriage you deserve. 3) You both have no idea what a real marriage looks like. (Current evidence of that: You going away with the kids, when there's hard work to be done.)

- Changing numbers/phones/locations won't help anything. Even if you could keep the current predator away, unresolved issues and sadness will be quickly noticed by a new one. Yes, they're everywhere. Waiting to ruin your life.

- If you haven't already, stay home and make real changes to your marriage. Include the kids in those plans.

..After much consideration, I did decide that I wanted to stay home and try to get back to "norma", whatever that is. My husband seems to be doing okay, and a lot of his anger has subsided though I know he is still understandably guarded. This may actually have been good for us in a twisted way. He managed to be home more over the holiday weekend and though I'm not going to go as far to say that he spent a lot of time with us, he was at least home. The kids didn't want to leave home so I'm glad that I didn't act on my whim. Right now, I am kind of in a strange state of being. I'm feeling better, although I think I am getting kind of angry which may be good. Though changing numbers may not be the solution, it has kept me from checking it every 5 minutes. I think what is bothering me the most right now is social media. I don't know how these things just pop up, but while on FB his name came up as "people you may know" and so I did the dreaded and took a look. Looks like they had some very recent family photos made and it churned my stomach. I don't know if I feel worse, better or empathetic to his family. Two little girls. In hair bows, matching dresses. I have all boys so, I found this sort of funny in a heart wrenching way. For some reason, it just felt like a slap in my face. I at least have the common courtesy not to pretend that everything is great with me..but, than again, it is all great with him. So, I'm staying hopeful in that maybe he is being cruel to be kind. I'm going to keep telling myself this.

I feel guilt for interfering, but sad that I didn't bother to make a family photo opp for my own family. His wife knows nothing so he gets to pretend that nothing happened and his painfully beautiful smile (sinister or not) just isn't going to leave me.

I realized that I survived yesterday, the day before, and I will survive today and tomorrow. Avoidance seems to be key as I made sure to steer clear of anything that reminds me of him which is not easy. I'm just not sure how I will react when and if I do see him again. I miss him. I hate him because I miss him. I hate him because he doesn't miss me. I almost ruined myself and my family for someone that gets to break my heart and then gets to go make family photos. I feel nauseous.

Remember this "nauseous" feeling the next time you're either tempted to contact him or the next time he decides to drop by your business to see if you still want him.

Because he will disappear on you again and again, doing his "happy family" routine with his WIFE and CHILDREN, leaving you feeling nauseous yet again.