To Marry or NOT To Marry?

I am currently with my girlfriend of 1 and a half years. We have known each other for over 7 years. We have been together off and on and broken up off and on over the course of the 7 years period. We were simply friends in the beginning and I honestly was not that attracted to her. She was a nice girl though and she cared for me very much so at one point I decided to give her a chance. Things went well for a time but there were too many issues within our relationship from outside sources and other things that caused us to break apart over and over again. Here are just some of them and some that are persistent today:

- At the time we first started dating, she was involved in some heavy court cases involving the divorce of her ex-husband and child custody.

- She has a child from her previous marriage, who is a teenager, who started off liking me but no longer does and I honestly can say I don't care for him much either.

- The child's father is still very much in the picture (not as in they have a relationship, which they don't) and I'd rather not deal with him or the child's issues.

- She has a ton of debt. Both from the money she pays for her child's schooling and from wasting on useless stuff that shouldn't be. I tried to help her, she won't go along with my budget plans.

- She works very late some days and when we are together all she talks about is her child, his schooling and her job. This hasn't changed much but has gotten worse in the last few weeks.

- She has some 'physical detraction's' that she herself caused that make me feel a little cheated and honestly not as attracted to her as I might have once been, which might not have been enough to begin with.

There are more, but that's just the basis of it. The real issue I suppose, with us being back together again, is that she is desperate to get married. She has gone as far as to say that she wants to skip the marriage ceremony all together and just get legally wed in the courthouse. I honestly can't see myself married yet. I 'LIKE' the idea of Marriage but I also 'HATE' the idea, if that makes sense. I don't want any children. I feel I wouldn't be a fit parent or that I wouldn't have the energy or patience to deal with a child of my own. We get along well, she and I. We like a few of the same things and we have a lot of the same beliefs. We met at a Church gathering to begin with and that's how we became friends. However, I don't know if I am ready for this biggest commitment.

My biggest fear is being alone for the rest of my life. That's not because I don't mind being alone. In fact, I prefer being alone, by myself, to do my own things with my own time, rather than have to compromise. What I don't like is feeling 'lonely'. It's that feeling of 'loneliness' that can drive people to suicide. This I know perfectly well. I know there are issues here. All I have to do is read back everything I'm writing now and it's not hard to see. She loves me dearly. I am pretty sure I love her too. I've gone well far and above and beyond what would be considered reasonable for a boyfriend at this point in time. We care for each other... but I'm not ready to get married or have kids... but she is desperate for both...

What options are there, really? Get married to her because she is a nice girl and we get along well so that I don't have to feel 'lonely' during the rest of my life time? Even though this means we are probably going to have a whole ton load of marital issues because I'm honestly not ready and I am feeling pressured and suffocated at this point. It would mean that I'd probably not feel much of an attraction to her at some point in time anymore and that might lead to other issues between us that won't end up being healthy. Or? Do I ATTEMPT to break her heart and let her move on with her life? The biggest problem with this being, I ALREADY HAVE TRIED!!! I've told her before anything else that I am not really interested in getting married any time soon and not really interested in ever having children. I've noticed she attempts to 'compromise' with me about the children and other issues and sometimes says she doesn't want them either... but then says she does... Seems like she is compromising her own desires for me, which makes me kinda sad but also makes me wonder if she is too good for me.

So, to re-iterate, I am wondering if I should Marry her anyway or NOT get married and ATTEMPT to move on?

Again, for those who need to ask,

1) NO, I do NOT want to get married (AT THIS TIME).

2) NO, I do NOT want children(MAYBE EVER).

3) YES, I have ALREADY told her this.

4) YES, I have already ATTEMPTED to explain that we might not be fit for each other and should maybe move on, but she doesn't really want to accept it.

I know some of you are going to JUDGE me and call me names and crap and frankly I don't care 'cause I probably deserve it, but I'm asking you refrain from doing so at this point. You can always just keep that to yourself or send me an IM/PM with that. What I am really looking for is honest and true advice and maybe some suggestions on where to go from here.

Thanks in advance!

You are wasting your time and hers. You don't want the same things from life. That guarantees failure.

If after knowing her for over 7 years you still can't make up your mind, then the answer is NO, you shouldn't marry her. Stop wasting her time like that. If you are stuck and that afraid of being alone then maybe it would help to seek therapy.

Yes, agree with Clio -please don't try to convince yourself to marry someone. Been there, done that, two broken engagements to show for it (although one I married many years later and am happily married!) - marry someone who you are at least reasonably excited to marry and at least reasonably sure -meaning any doubts are resolvable and don't rock you to the core.

You already know the answer to this.

Staying because you don't want to be alone is selfish.

Getting married when you're not wanting to is foolish.

How old are you? And what are these physical detractions?

When a person wants out, and you tried, the other needs to accept it.

It isn't your responsibility to stay because she tries to reason, when you say you don't want kids, etc.

It would be foolish to marry her on the debt and financial issues alone. Of course she is desperate to get married. You'd be responsible for all that.

You shouldn't even feel badly. She isn't in any position to responsibly marry someone. It's a bad deal for you.

You should probably NOT marry, not because you aren't ready but it seems like you are not all that into her although you care about her a great deal. Then you should seek therapy bc there may be commitment issues in your life, even if the right person came along you wouldn't know it bc u may be emotionally not there. The whole alone and lonliness thing makes me think that. It's not a judgment just an observation. Don't stay with her just bc you're lonely. That is wasting your time and more importantly her time when you know you don't want what she wants.

OMG! Dont marry this woman. You two will never survive a marriage, and you dont want to get married anyway. You've made that clear to us and more importantly, to her. She's got a kid. You dont want a kid. That too is very clear. A marriage would be doomed to fail before too long given how you dont want to get married, dont want a kid, never mind one that isnt even yours. There are no reasons in the Plus Column to even think about marriage.

You’ve set your boundaries clearly and all you can do is stand on your own 2 feet and work as hard as you can on this relationship and not take anything for granted.

With her spending habits she would put you in the ditch real quick. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. chi

Don't marry her!! Break things off with her for good. There are plenty of ways to not be lonely in life - volunteer, go to church, go to a gym, spend time with extended family. Lots of ways to be single and not alone!

I don't think you should marry her. She needs to get her affairs in order before she is ready to take that step at least have an action plan. But it seems that she is not willing therefor, you shouldn't do this. How old are you? Go back to church and meet other people. Trust me it is very hard to be alone. I am newly single. But it is even harder being with the wrong person. Wish you all the best. Remember this - make all your choices and decisions in life from a place of love not fear. The later will lead you to a place you don't want to be. Be courageous. Do not fear

You should break up with her firmly and resolutely.

I feel I wouldn't be a fit parent or that I wouldn't have the energy or patience to deal with a child of my own.

Then don't get into a relationship with someone who already has a child.

Her son will always be in the picture. He's apart of the package deal if you marry your girlfriend. A teenage boy will give you a run for your money if he doesn't like you (I used to teach high school and they can be tough). And since the child is staying, you will also have the ex husband around as part of child custody agreements.

This dynamic is NOT a good match for you.

Run.

I am currently with my girlfriend of 1 and a half years. We have known each other for over 7 years. We have been together off and on and broken up off and on over the course of the 7 years period.

Too much off again on again.

I would not marry her.

Teenagers are fickle, so that part doesn't matter. They hate their own parents' guts one minute and love them the next. So that's the less of all the other issues.

You don't respect her.

You aren't attracted to her.

The no kid thing would work if you meet someone who has grown kids out of the house or older teens.

Sounds like a lose-lose

Or? Do I ATTEMPT to break her heart and let her move on with her life? The biggest problem with this being, I ALREADY HAVE TRIED!!! I've told her before anything else that I am not really interested in getting married any time soon and not really interested in ever having children. I've noticed she attempts to 'compromise' with me about the children and other issues and sometimes says she doesn't want them either... but then says she does... Seems like she is compromising her own desires for me, which makes me kinda sad but also makes me wonder if she is too good for me.

A breakup is not up for debate. All you are doing is telling her why it won't work, and she is coming back on why it does. You need to tell her squarely "I am not going to marry you. I think we should go our separate ways so you can find a man who does."

You managed to create a list of all the negatives.

But outside of the fact that she's breathing and available, (ok. . and `nice') you aren't able to state anything you like about her!

I feel really bad for her.

Do yourself a favor and let her go so she can find someone who is madly in love with her.

You. . hold out for the same.

Thanks everyone, for your BRUTALLY HONEST and FAIR responses.

I realize that I have many issues of my own. Yeah, I'm afraid of commitment. Why? I honestly am not sure why. I think most of you are right when you say I need to see a therapist. All I can remember from Marriage is my Grandparents and Parents versions, which are not good. Lots of fighting, lots of hate, lots of feelings of resentment and no way to take it back. I'm afraid I'll end up there one day. My own issues, I know and I need to work on them before anything.

As for this woman I love, well, I do LOVE her, I think... I do RESPECT her, I am sure... I do take CARE of her, of that I am positive... But maybe that isn't enough... Yeah, it's true, I am not 'PASSIONATE' about being married to her or even getting married at all to begin with and yeah, I don't want kids so that in itself is kind of a sign that I wouldn't even be a fit parent.

Between all of us, she is not a bad person. She has many wonderful and good traits. I just manage to bring out the bad ones because I suppose those are the ones I want to see. Maybe trying to make excuses for why I shouldn't marry her when the obvious truth is that we are both not ready for this step, but even more so myself because I am scared to death of it. You wouldn't be wrong in saying that the only reason I'd probably stay with her is for fear of being lonely... Alone I can handle... Lonely, well... Never had very good results with that one... Yes, she actually deserves to find someone who loves her madly and deeply, just the same way she loves madly and deeply... Yes, she deserves someone who will be DYING to marry her and call her his wife forever. Yeah, she deserves so very much more than I am able to give...

Sometimes I think I don't deserve anything at all. I guess in the end I'm nothing but a selfish, childish and broken person who doesn't know how to move forward or grow up... But even if that's the case, please believe that I am not a person who takes advantage of another person... The reason why we are together is because she refuses to understand our position and refuses to leave things alone... We've broken up time and time again and I've 'TRIED' my best to end things earnestly, but it never happens... She finds her way back and forces her way into things... Really, I've been through this convo before but what is a guy supposed to do when telling a girl "It's over." means absolutely nothing to her? When she is so convinced that she and I are meant to be together forever that, regardless of the circumstances, she won't go her own way? What am I supposed to do? Honestly? call the cops on her? How can I? Maybe I won't marry her but it's not as if I don't care about her... Why would I get her in trouble with the law? Should I scream at her? Did that. That's an A-HOLE thing to do but I did it anyway. Should I beat her up? Never that. That's beyond me, I'm not an abusive person. Been in an abusive relationship myself with one of my ex-g/fs and it wasn't very fun I can tell you that, so I'd never do that. So, what's left? "We are over. Don't talk to me anymore. Don't call me. Don't come see me. This is the end. We have nothing else to do with each other."

I don't know. But I am glad all of you are able to share your views with me because it forces me to focus on this thing that I've been putting aside and kind of drifting on for such a long time and it forces me to reflect on myself and my life situation and try and make some honest and fair decisions about my life and about the people who are in my life. I don't usually come on these forums for help, but I'm kinda glad I did this time.

Thank you everyone. I'm going to reflect on this deeply and then consider my next move.

Hope you all have wonderful lives!!

We've broken up time and time again and I've 'TRIED' my best to end things earnestly, but it never happens... She finds her way back and forces her way into things... Really, I've been through this convo before but what is a guy supposed to do when telling a girl "It's over." means absolutely nothing to her?

She can't force her way back in if you tell her its over, then decline her invites and ask her to stop calling you, then block her on social media. Change your patterns for awhile - if you always go to the local watering hole on a particular night - stop for awhile. I think she comes back and won't take no for an answer because you pick up the phone and allow a dialogue of debate.

To Marry or NOT To Marry?

Imo, if you have to ask, the answer is 'no.'

You must stand firm and not let her back in after you break up with her, once and for all. Block, delete, unfriend, etc. It will be harsh, but history dictates that you have no choice, Good luck.