How do I open up to my therapist about self-harming?

I recently experienced a breakup which although minor, affected me on a very deep level. I was seeing a guy for a few months, it was going great and then he broke up with me quite suddenly because he didn't want a relationship. Whilst no breakup is meant to be easy, I took it really hard and really personally. My self-esteem has pretty much hit rock bottom and I am often convinced there is something seriously wrong with me that pushes people away.

Because I was struggling pretty badly with this breakup, I decided to seek professional help. I've been seeing a psychologist for about three weeks now and he's great, but I find myself reluctant to fully open up to him. It's not so much an issue of trust, because I do trust him and I know that he can help me change the way I think. Yet, on a subconscious level I am afraid that he will judge me.

The thing is, I really do need to be honest with him. I told him a little bit about my childhood (abandonment issues, abusive father, emotionally absent mother, diffult relationship with step-father etc) because it has impacted all of my romantic relationships (i fear rejection, I don't trust easily, I give too much too soon). I even told him that I used to self-harm as a teenager. The problem is, this most recent breakup has brought a lot of unrelated/unresolved emotional issues to the surface and for the first time in my life I am not trying to brush them under the carpet. Whilst I know this is good, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable with myself. I feel like I am having a life crisis and sometimes I don't even know who I am. I am over analyzng everything about myself and it's a very scary place to be in.

I need to tell him that I started self-harming again, but I'm so ashamed of my behaviour that I dont quite know how to bring it up. I don't cry easily, he's never seen me upset in a session and I even make jokes. I'm afaraid he'll think I'm doing it for attention, which I know is an irrational fear because therapists are trained to deal with this sort of stuff, but every time I think of bringing it up, I shudder at the thought.

Part of the reason why I am reluctant to tell him is because he's becoming a sort of father figure (I never really had a dad in the real sense of the word) and on a subconscious level I think I am afraid of letting him down. I read a bit about transference and although I uderstand that it's not necessarily a bad thing in psychology, it doesn't make it easier to open up about this.

When I'm in a negative spiral, cutting helps. When I'm out of that negative loop, however, I am ashamed of my coping mechanism. It's even more embarrasing because I self-harmed after I came home from a fairly fun outing with my friends. I had had quite a bit to drink and all of a sudden my anxiety came back full force. I genuinely thought I was doing better, but then all I could think about was cutting. I don't even know why I started doing it again...all I know is that it felt good. Which is bad. I don't want it to feel good, I don't want to go down this road again. Logically I know that it doesn't help and yet here I am, relying on the same destructive "coping-mechanism" I did when I was fifteen and didn't know better.

I am not suicidal or out of control, but I want to stop and get better. I know that in order to do this, I need to open up to my therapist so that he can help me. I guess what I'm trying to ask, very inarticulately, is how do I tell him? I can't imagine going for my next appointment and just saying "oh hey, yeah, I had a good week, but I started cutting my arms. Now what?"

Any tips on how to approach this would be very welcome. Thank you in advance.

My brother had a PhD in psychology and he worked with people for his entire career. They are all trained to deal with many types of circumstances, and your psychologist would be no different in that regard. He won't judge you, he won't feel you let him down other than from the angle you won't be letting him do his job to the best of his ability if you dont open up to him.

Print out what you wrote here and take it to him and tell him you need him to read it. That will open up the path to you getting the proper help you need.

The only shame is in not getting help. Don't ever feel embarassed about this.

It's more common than you think. My daughter goes to school with a good amount of kids who cut.

Peer pressure, release of pain,suicidal thoughts, mental illness, whatever the cause. The solution is to deal with it.

Which is what you want to do, so I hope you find the strength to tell.

Probably a good idea to know your alcohol limits too. Alcohol is a depressant.

Sure, it's fun to have a drink of two in a social setting, but when the effect builds, it's really low when you already

have other issues under the surface. Take good care of you

Two people who are extremely close to me have cut. I never knew it until it was over or they were very very into it. Your therapist won't know until you tell him, but that is exactly what he is there for---to help you with this. He will think positively about you telling him--and then the helping can begin. The person who said to print it out--please do that incase at next session you cannot get the words out. Hand the print out to him and let him start the conversation.

Please do this asap/this week.

Good health & happiness to you.

I can't imagine going for my next appointment and just saying "oh hey, yeah, I had a good week, but I started cutting my arms

For me , I would literally go in and say that , especially as you know him and have been seeing him .

Or ...how about writing it down in a little note ...* I have been self harming and I don't know how to bring it up with you * and just hand him it when you go in .

I'm sorry you go through this. There is literally nothing wrong with you, you're just experiencing a lot of pain and you don't know how to deal with it. But you're very mature about how you're taking care of yourself and taking charge of your healing process, that you went to seek professional help on your own and so quickly and are trying to be honest with your psychotherapist to make the therapy really working for you. Honestly all you've written about yourself so far sounds mature and impressive.

As a patient, I always thought psychologists are some different sort of people. They're perfect, they never had depression or cut themselves, they're always polite and have no communication problems in their relationships, they are experts in their lives and always have been... Now I'm becoming a psychologist and that's so not true. Your therapist is a human being just like you. It's possible that he went through what you went at one point or another, difficult breakup or self-harming thoughts or behaviors. Some struggle with themselves even after becoming therapists, but they obviously don't burden you, the patient, with their problems. Their goal is to make you feel like they're your solid rock. But it doesn't mean they will judge you. They have a lot of patients struggling with hard stuff, and they are human themselves, so why would they judge?

So if you started to trust your therapist, you should absolutely tell him about your problems. You won't be alone with your problem and he will help. Maybe you'll come up together with different habits to soothe your pain that you can develop for the future.

I really wish you all the best!

Please know it is normal when going through a healing process for old behaviours to crop up. You are not a disappointment at all. In fact, it takes a lot of strength to face and work on personal issues. You made the hardest step of all which is admitting there is something worth working on and committing to do it.

Writing it down is a great idea. Another option could be write what you would like to say and read it to him. There is a lot of power in speaking your truth. Perhaps you won't feel ready to say it all but you could say " I would like your help with this. I'm struggling". Even to say that would be a big leap in expressing how you really feel. It sounds like you've run through a lot of history with him, and that's great. The next move will be lettin down your walls a little to show how you are feeling in the moment .

I used to cut, and in my first ever appointment with a counsellor I was asked how I was, and what had brought me there. I just responded by saying that I felt very confused, didn't know how I felt - but I kept doing this... then showed him my arms.

It was the turning point in my messed-up, anguished life.

If it helps, let yourself know that the only person judging you harshly right now is yourself - one of the really tragic consequences of an abusive upbringing is that we internalise the dangerous **** that was fed to us by those who should have cared about us - and then apply it to ourselves. You are a lovely, vulnerable person with sensitivity and a whole pile of unique gifts, and your therapist's job is to help you get in touch with those and leave your painful past right where it belongs - in the past.

Hopefully you'll get past this hiccup and really begin the serious process of healing.

(((HUGS))) and good luck!

(((Hugs)))

Can you practice writing it as a note, then save one and hand it to him at the start of your meeting? It could open the door to give you alternate coping methods, right? Don't be ashamed, see if you can step back and think of it more objectively, as an injury that needs help healing. It happened, next step is to help it heal, seek a healing treatment and tools for healing.

Are you afraid that he will judge you? Are you worried you will lose something by telling him? Would it help to explore the hesitation?

If you are afraid to talk about it, you could include that in the note as well.

Part of the reason why I am reluctant to tell him is because he's becoming a sort of father figure (I never really had a dad in the real sense of the word) and on a subconscious level I think I am afraid of letting him down. I read a bit about transference and although I uderstand that it's not necessarily a bad thing in psychology, it doesn't make it easier to open up about this.

 

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Tranference is somewhat of a goal in therapy.

Please tell him. Just push yourself to do this. There is no magic way. Just be matter of fact.

Remember, the sooner you tell him the shorter the distance to the other side.

I am sorry you are going through this. . .hang in there.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to this. I really appreciate the support.

My appointment is this evening. I stopped thinking about how to tell him because I'm driving myself crazy. I guess I will just walk in and say it however way it comes even if I feel awkward/silly.

Merope, given the history that you've provided, I think admitting this to your therapist will be a great step forward for you. It doesn't matter how you say it, it's just important that you do say it.

So I figured an update was in order. I had my appointment a few days ago and pretty much just blurted it out as soon as I sat down. My therapist was a little surprised at the sudden confession, but he thanked me for telling him and then asked me some questions about what I do, how I do it, where I do it etc. By the end of that conversation I felt comfortable enough to show him my arm.

I felt very exposed and somewhat uncomfortable but it was also liberating. I never showed anyone my SH before, but it just felt like the right thing to do. He was very understanding and compassionate and not once did he say useless stuff like "you should stop". He's given me some homework to do and I guess we'll take it from there.

Thank you again to everyone who commented. Opening up to him really was the right thing to do and I am confident that in time he'll help me change the way I cope.

Love,

Merope

I'm so glad you went through with it, and that it was such a positive experience for you.