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how to help ex-girl (low self esteem) and help my relationship?


thiva101

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Girl Friend Broke up with me last week because she has low self-esteem issues possibly some depression. She says she can’t be in a relationship right now since she doesn’t her love itself. She talked to me on Friday stating she doesn’t want to lean on me and doesn’t want me to be walking on thin ice all the time. (That why she broke up)That it sucks to lose her boyfriend but even more to lose her best friend too. And that she happy to be with me and talk with me. But when she is alone she is sad and cries all the time. She is going to see a therapist this week.

 

I want to be there for her. But I don’t know what do to. She doesn’t want a boyfriend and I don’t wanna move on. I can’t leave someone alone like that and at the same time don’t want to be stuck in limbo. If you know what I mean.

 

I want to see if we can be friends who go on dates. So no pressure of a relationship. she doesn't have to lean on me. just meet once in a while. She doesn’t go out much. Getting her out do would her some good. People get extra depressed during the holidays.Or should I just check up on her once in a while. Or just let her do her thing.

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You obviously care for her a great deal. However you also have a motive: you don't want to let go.

It's good she's initiating help with therapy for herself.

Don't pressure her into hanging out, friends don't go on dates.

Let her know you are there for her if she needs to talk. She will reach out to you.

Tell her will respect her space, you care for her, and leave it at that.

Have light contact. If you bother her too much, she's going to completely retreat, as she is already unstable.

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I differ from SweetGirl in that i suggest NO Contact. She broke up with you. It's time for you to move on and meet someone else eventually. If you stick around, you are tempted to be her therapist. What you want to do is have a relationship with her - but just not call it a relationship. You want to go on dates because it pleases you, etc, and in that you are trampling on her boundaries and are ignoring her wishes. yes, people are sad when they break up - but the best thing to do is go through it and get on the other side of it. If you don't detach yourself, you will only be more hurt later. By clinging, you will stop her growth.

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That's what I'm doing right now. I told her I'm gonna her space and time.

so checking up on her or giving her a birthday card is a bad idea?

ok ill move on

 

I understand what abitbroken is saying, and do agree that if your only motive is to win her back, you should leave her alone. However, if you are able to push that aside and truly care about her well being, stay light contact.

I don't like suggesting anyone leave someone in time of despair. Especially at the holidays.

I've had it done to me, actually I'm going thru it again, and I'm angry at those that turned on me.

However I have the mental health to survive. She doesn't right now. . But therapy is the key for her.

All you can do is listen if she wants to bend your ear a bit, as a person who cares. It's easy to walk away,

however you follow your gut. But you must not use an ulterior motive. That is selfish and wont be helpful to her either.

 

I don't see why a bday card is a bad idea, people that are down like to know they matter to someone.

But let her come to you. If not, and you are truly concerned, send a text asking how she is, nothing more.

Don't talk about the breakup, confess feelings, apologize, nothing. Just show you care.

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I can't believe that everybody here it's telling you to move on and leave her alone like it's that easy. We are talking about a person here that you obviously care about so don't give up that easy. My opinion is that she feels guilty for being down all the time maybe she thinks she's not being good enough for you that you don't deserve a girlfriend that's always feeling depressed. Sometimes girls say stuff they don't mean. If you really love her let her know that no matter what, you will be there for her and help her get through whatever that is bothering her. There's nothing wrong to lean on your partner when you feel down. Maybe knowing that she's not a burden on you will make her feel more comfortable opening up to you. You didn't mentioned her age but keep in mind that if she's in her teens it might be more difficult because people in that age don't know how to deal with emotions the right way.

Good luck!

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I can't believe that everybody here it's telling you to move on and leave her alone like it's that easy. We are talking about a person here that you obviously care about so don't give up that easy. My opinion is that she feels guilty for being down all the time maybe she thinks she's not being good enough for you that you don't deserve a girlfriend that's always feeling depressed. Sometimes girls say stuff they don't mean. If you really love her let her know that no matter what, you will be there for her and help her get through whatever that is bothering her. There's nothing wrong to lean on your partner when you feel down. Maybe knowing that she's not a burden on you will make her feel more comfortable opening up to you. You didn't mentioned her age but keep in mind that if she's in her teens it might be more difficult because people in that age don't know how to deal with emotions the right way.

Good luck!

 

When someone is asking for space and to be left alone , in the face of mental health as well ...then we don't encourage a person to then bother them on any level . Respect ...respect anothers wishes .

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When someone is asking for space and to be left alone , in the face of mental health as well ...then we don't encourage a person to then bother them on any level . Respect ...respect anothers wishes .

 

I agree. Listen to Pippy.

She is saying things to you to make you think that she wants you near because she feels bad for breaking up with you - but she needs to be totally without obligation to anyone to heal and get herself in order. If you "date her as friends", you make her responsible for the give and take of a relationship again. She needs to do exactly what she needs to do for her. You said yourself - she broke up with you but you will not ACCEPT IT and let her go. This is not about you. Let her go so she can grow. If you don't accept the break up = she will keep running away from you. You have to show that you respect her wishes.

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OP, I am assuming your ex knows you are there for her. I understand you care about her and don't want this break-up to happen, but know this:

 

Often, those who are depressed are being very honest that they cannot handle the commitment and energy necessary to sustain a relationship. You feel you are showing your support by checking in or suggesting casual dates, while she might feel it's just yet another obligation she cannot fulfill and she winds up feeling worse because she knows she cannot give you what you want. Thus, trying to keep up some light contact or "friendly" dates is likely going to backfire.

 

Instead, show her that you respect her wish to end the relationship. She is telling you what she wants and needs; you would be wise to listen to her. It's not totally out of the question that she will come back, but in the meantime, you need to assume that she knows what is best for herself and isn't seeking out your support.

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OP, I am assuming your ex knows you are there for her. I understand you care about her and don't want this break-up to happen, but know this:

 

Often, those who are depressed are being very honest that they cannot handle the commitment and energy necessary to sustain a relationship. You feel you are showing your support by checking in or suggesting casual dates, while she might feel it's just yet another obligation she cannot fulfill and she winds up feeling worse because she knows she cannot give you what you want. Thus, trying to keep up some light contact or "friendly" dates is likely going to backfire.

 

Instead, show her that you respect her wish to end the relationship. She is telling you what she wants and needs; you would be wise to listen to her. It's not totally out of the question that she will come back, but in the meantime, you need to assume that she knows what is best for herself and isn't seeking out your support.

 

This is true, except some with depression push away those closest to them.

They want to be left alone, yet don't want to be left alone.

Then get more depressed and upset when the ones they pushed away actually go away.

It's a fine line here. Only she knows why, it's hard to speculate her reasoning.

But his motive is not okay, he does need to respect her wish to not be together .

If he is going to use her mental weakness as a way back in, thats wrong. In that case, yes. Leave her alone.

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^^I've done that, when going through periods of depression, which fortunately are few and far between now.

 

I would push a man away, or literally end things, then get upset when they actually stayed away!

 

It's completely crazy, and makes no sense, but mental issues can be complicated and often times don't make much sense.

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Honestly, the most important thing to me is her mental health.

I'm not going to lie and say I don't want her. But her health is much more important then the relationship.

 

I dont think our relationship was much of a burden.

Her reason is clear, she doesn't want to be in a relationship when she doesn't love herself, she doesn't want to depend on me and doesnt want to walk on eggshells all the time.

And i want to respect that.

 

I'm getting mixed messages.

I honestly don't the see the harm in messaging every other month. just to see how she is doing.

I just want whats best for her.

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Honestly, the most important thing to me is her mental health.

I'm not going to lie and say I don't want her. But I want her to heal more importantly she is 22 btw.

 

I'm getting mixed messages. I like the discussion.

I honestly don't the see the harm in messaging every other month. just to see how she is doing.

I just want whats best for her. And if it to leave her alone, I will.

 

There is no harm. You do what you feel is right.

We only know what info you provide.

That's all we have to go off of.

I do believe you care. And rightfully so.

It's difficult to walk away from someone knowing their mental state is not healthy.

You are obviously an empath, and no shame in this. I am also.

 

Are you on good terms with any of her family?

Is there one you might be able to ask, being concerned?

Don't mention your relationship at all, nor the breakup, nor your feelings for her.

Just express you are concerned about her, and ask if is she okay.

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I can give you more information.

It is hard to walk away from someone in their darkest hours.

I only meet her sister once. My cousin is close friends with her. She helped set us up.

 

Your cousin! Perfect. It's your family. They are friends. Couldn't be a better go-to person than this.

Like I said, do not mention you want to be with her, nothing of your relationship.

You don't want any of that repeated to her, nor her to feel pressure, especially in her mental state .

You're just asking if she's okay, as someone who cared for her, and still does. That's all

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For this very minute, yes.

Check in with your cousin . See how your ex is.

 

I disagree - don't check up on her with anyone. Leave her totally be. The cousin will tell her that you asked about her. She needs no one reporting back to you. You need to give her total space. Maybe in time its appropriate -- but she may feel an obligation or be motivated to heal for you instead of her if she knows you are orbitting.

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I disagree - don't check up on her with anyone. Leave her totally be. The cousin will tell her that you asked about her. She needs no one reporting back to you. You need to give her total space. Maybe in time its appropriate -- but she may feel an obligation or be motivated to heal for you instead of her if she knows you are orbitting.

 

She isn't going to heal for anyone.

That has to come from within herself, good to have a therapist too.

Whoever said " oh, so and so wants me to feel better, so I'll do it".

Doesn't work like that. .

You must not understand depression.

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i thought it about for a long time. and I'm going to leave it.

i told my cousin to take care of her friend. And I'm gonna stay out.

she told me to find some1 else, to not call even after a year when we were breaking up.

and the worst thing is my birthday was last month at this time. She said the gift was coming. she has yet to give it to me.

she clearly doesn't care, why should i

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i thought it about for a long time. and I'm going to leave it.

i told my cousin to take care of her friend. And I'm gonna stay out.

she told me to find some1 else, to not call even after a year when we were breaking up.

and the worst thing is my birthday was last month at this time. She said the gift was coming. she has yet to give it to me.

she clearly doesn't care, why should i

 

Its not that she doesn't care about you. its because she cannot care. When someone is so depressed, they lose their ability to fulfill their obligations to people, to smile, to feel content, to care deeply etc. and people feel rather numb if they are not out and out down. The world is lifeless. You have other presents from other people. Enjoy those.

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