Struggling with hunting husband

Hey All,

I'm having an internal struggle with myself and could use some words of advice. To start, I know people get all worked up about this but...I have always really disliked hunting. I don't know why, but for as long as I can remember I've just never liked it. I don't hate people who hunt (unless its trophy hunting) and in fact I grew up with my dad, brother, and grandparents all hunting too. I would always tell them to be safe, but I wished them bad luck because it just hurts me to think of the poor animals being killed. No I'm not vegan or some crazy animal activist and I really don't want this to turn into a battle on hunting. I'm just trying to describe where I come from and how this relates to an issue with my husband every year. If you NEED the meat, ok...take a deer. Use it all. But don't be greedy and be shooting as many as you are allowed just because you can and you think its fun...and try to be as humane as possible. I think for me, imagining the poor things being shot out of nowhere...experiencing pain and terrified...and then the whole process of cutting them and draining them out..it just totally makes me sick to my stomach. Trust me, I have actually tried to change my mind on how I feel...but it seems to just be hard wired into me that there's plenty of animals that are factory-farmed for food...why not just eat them since there's nothing we can do about that? They've already suffered. There's plenty of meat in the stores. Now if you live off the land that's a different story and I know you'll use the meat and everything responsibly. But hunting for FUN? Its just not something I can wrap my head around in my almost 28 years on earth.

So to get to the main issue.....every year my husband and I end up in a huge fight over deer hunting. He goes 3 hours away and is gone all weekend with his dad. I think I struggle with the first thing right there...the fact that they feel the need to go away for the weekend and I'm expected to stay home with our dogs by myself (its REALLY hard to find someone who can watch our dogs). I stay home and clean, take care of the house, do laundry, take care of the dogs, and we're thinking of starting a family soon....so I know it'll be kids thrown in there too. I guess it bothers me that it's just expected and there's no "thank you for taking care of the house while I was gone" or anything. I just feel "ditched" so to speak with absolutely no say in the matter. I feel like it might help things a little if he'd at least be home every night to help out. But nope...just continues to go up north.

Then there's the fact that we DON'T NEED the meat. Actually, I don't eat venison so we really don't need it. There's been a venison roast in our freezer for about 2 years that he still hasn't eaten because he doesn't want/know how to cook it and knows I won't eat it. So in my eyes.....he's basically going on these hunting weekends for "fun" which is a huge turn off for me. His dad already got a deer yesterday, and then my husband tells me he got one this morning....WHY? Who is going to eat the meat? They already got a deer yesterday and his parents eat some and give my husband some. Thats PLENTY...why did he need to kill another deer? Not to mention after he got that one...they stayed out a few more hours! So if another had come along...they would shoot a third? Its GREED in my eyes. And then my brain swirls into this uncontrollable circle of "he know's how I feel about this and yet he does it anyways. And to be greedy and get more than they even will use is just cruel. Obviously he doesn't care how I feel." It just really feels crappy. I think it also disturbs me that they have to take pictures of and with the dead deer...like really? And honestly, this is about the only thing we really fight about. We actually have the best relationship. He's my best friend and we can talk for hours without getting bored of each other. He makes me laugh everyday. So trust me, I know I'm lucky to have him.....but when it comes to this time of year I just feel this uncontrollable rage because I've always felt so strong about hunting. And it's almost embarrassing for me to admit it because everyone in my family thinks i'm crazy, hence why i've tried many times to change how I feel about it, but just can't. I also want to throw in there that this year, I was hit with a rough sickness for about 2 weeks and now I've got lingering bronchitis from it and not once did he even ask me how I was feeling...probably not the biggest deal on earth but just adds to the fire.

I guess I just need to figure out what to do....I feel like if I just shut up and suck it up....then it's not allowing me to have my opinions and it feels demeaning to have to just deal with it without voicing my opinion and continue to be expected to stay home and take care of everything. People have told me to make myself busy...go have dinner etc but honestly, I've tried that in the past and it only masks it for a little while. It doesn't actually change how I feel about it. I've even tried talking myself into accepting one deer between them is fine..whatever. But when they continue to stay and want more and there's literally no reason...it drives me up the wall. I will throw out there that I think he partially does it for his dad...being "tough" and "manly" and all. His parents would probably think I'm a nut if they knew how upset I really get over this stuff.

Please, try to be nice to me. I promise I don't hate you if you come from a big hunting family (otherwise that'd mean i hate my dad, brother, etc!). I just can't understand why my own husband won't take my feelings into consideration and somehow compromise with me. My feelings just really get hurt and every year it just gets swept under the rug until the next year. So sorry for the long post...wow...I've just really been holding this stuff in

Here's the thing about his hunting: he's been doing this long before he met you, and you married him knowing this. You can fight about it all you want, but it's something you should have resolved within yourself before getting married.

He doesn't feel the same about hunting as you do. He enjoys it for the thrill, the male bonding, the meat, the outdoors.

Yes, you will have to shut up and suck it up.

FWIW, I'm not into hunting either. So I'm not trying to take his side vs. yours.

What I'm saying is, when we meet someone, they are a whole, complete person prior to meeting us. If we don't like some things about them, or they about us, we discuss, compromise, and agree to disagree where necessary. Once we have made all the compromises/changes we are going to make, after more time spent together, we decide to marry, and as far as I'm concerned.....that's kind of it.

You accept what you already accepted.

My personal feeling on this is that this is all a bit...silly. I mean, you are a meat eater (as am I). We probably eat animals every day and maybe even multiple times a day. So animals are killed for us every single day. Not humanely I might add. So I don't really see much difference in buying the animal meat at the supermarket versus hunting it. OK I understand the fact that your hubby doesn't actually eat it means that he is doing it for other reasons but the end result is the same- an animal is killed.

Also you talking about him not asking how you are and leaving you along to look after the house for 3 days really weakens your point. You're not a child or a princess. A person is allowed have a break away. You are allowed do that too you know. Why not plan something with friends that you love to do?

My advice? Tell hubby to stop giving you any details of the hunt, tell you you just don't want to know about it because you hate it. But don't let this become bigger than what it is because we're all guilty of killing animals.

LHGirl pretty much put it in a nice little box and put a bow on it for you, so there's not much for me to throw in but my own musings.

It is what it is, and there's typically a bit more to going hunting than shooting a deer and going home. If you want to make it about not being able to store another hunk of venison, then feel free.

Personally, I'm not a fan of hunting, either. But, more than anything else, that's because I'm just not an outdoorsy person altogether. I've got a bunch of buddies from my Army days who do enjoy it, though. To each their own. I know I, for one, eat meat from animals that were raised, transported, and slaughtered in a way that I'm sure is a lot more traumatizing than an animal growing up in the wild and getting shot out nowhere. Needless to say, I don't consider myself in a position to even mildly judge. Even when I lived in the country and had the privilege of buying from local butcher shops who got their meat from ranches I drove past every day on my way to work, it's still traumatizing for the animals to get loaded and transported and herded into a sanitary facility to get offed.

For some people, this is a very serious ethical dilemma. You need to ask yourself if you can be married to a man who hunts. I'm certain this isn't a terribly unique problem and there are a lot of women who groan once hunting season comes. Can you talk to any of the wives of your husband's friends? Might even be a forum or two online that could help your perspective.

Do you wear leather shoes, or are they all vinyl?

Do you carry a leather handbag, or are they only fabric?

Do you eat hamburgers, steak, ribs?

That's called cow-hunting. It's also called hypocritical.

Consider that more deer means

more deer-vehicle collisions = suffering for deer and people

more tick-borne disease = suffering for people physically and financially

more overpopulation = suffering if food for them is limited?

more deer damage to certain forest habitats = affects some forest tree, animal, and bird species?

More factory farmed meat eaten = more factory farmed animals = more animals suffering longer than the time it takes to shoot a wild deer.

I'm not a hunter and rarely eat meat, but to me the image of an animal living free and wild is more satisfying than one living in a feed lot. Dying suddenly may be more desirable than the slaughterhouse surrounded by creatures in fear. There's a bigger picture: living things impact other living things. Our choices that support our own lives have pros and cons.

If your primary concern is about suffering, maybe focus on a cause that helps alleviate suffering in the world. Instead of adding to the global collection of suffering by bottling your anger or directing it at your husband, direct the energy toward something positive for you and others. You can acknowledge that you have an inner conflict but you don't have to let that inner conflict overwhelm you, or take up permanent residence in your thoughts.

If your concern is about greed, look at what that means to you, and how it manifests in your life, and find ways to balance and share material things. If your husband kills more deer than he can use, is the meat donated to someone who can use it? If not, look into that possibility.

Just some thoughts.

I love the woods and living with undeveloped land around me, and prefer it to living next to a feed lot or slaughter house or grocery store. So I appreciate the role that hunting plays in keeping the deer population in balance and the woods managed sustainably. The fees for hunting licenses help make that possible.

If he gets to go away for the whole weekend, you get to hire someone to clean your house and watch your dogs. And then maybe you go away too.

PS. I used to feel much like you do, although I wasn't married to a hunter. Over the years, I've come to a different perspective. (I also realize my choices are not so innocent, and can have unwanted affects elsewhere, not in my backyard.)

If he gets to go away for the whole weekend, you get to hire someone to clean your house and watch your dogs. And then maybe you go away too.

Good point, make a deal with yourself to make it about something special you do. Your annual spa weekend. Maybe you can't find someone to watch your dogs, but you can schedule a massage, a mani-pedi, and a girl's movie night and slumber party, or art workshop, or something special you never do otherwise. Make it an annual Event for you, give it a new meaning. (Since my divorce, the old wedding anniversary date is now my annual massage date; it has a new meaning of self-care and I look forward to celebrating it. It wasn't about ignoring feelings, but focusing on something that uplifts and benefits me.)

@journeynow Thank you so much for your insights. You say you used to feel a lot like I do...that makes me feel a little less crazy. Thank you for your honest, but helpful reply. I knew I was taking a risk and would get some people responding who wouldn't be too nice (using words like "princess" etc)...I wish they just wouldn't answer then. But enough about them, I will try to keep telling myself the things you pointed out in your post such as overpopulation etc. I have tried this, but maybe I need to do some journaling or something this time of year to help myself out. Like I had said, I dont know why I feel so strongly about it...and I wish I didn't. I'm just trying to figure out how to handle it in my own head. I do struggle with anxiety.....people don't understand that anxiety makes things go around and around in your head and it can be VERY difficult to stop no matter how badly you want to. Maybe if I try to focus on the reasons you gave me...it might help refocus my brain. Thank you again.

Have you discussed what the plan would be for any children you have as far as them going hunting?

He goes away for one weekend a year and you’re upset about it? Why don’t you enjoy the time to yourself.

I don’t like hunting. Therefore I would never be with or marry someone who does. As another poster said, you knew this about him when you married him. You are being dramatic. One three day weekend a year for something he enjoys is not a big deal. What if he had to travel for work? Would you be angry that he’s not attached to your hip?

@journeynow Thank you so much for your insights. You say you used to feel a lot like I do...that makes me feel a little less crazy. Thank you for your honest, but helpful reply. I knew I was taking a risk and would get some people responding who wouldn't be too nice (using words like "princess" etc)...I wish they just wouldn't answer then. But enough about them, I will try to keep telling myself the things you pointed out in your post such as overpopulation etc. I have tried this, but maybe I need to do some journaling or something this time of year to help myself out. Like I had said, I dont know why I feel so strongly about it...and I wish I didn't. I'm just trying to figure out how to handle it in my own head. I do struggle with anxiety.....people don't understand that anxiety makes things go around and around in your head and it can be VERY difficult to stop no matter how badly you want to. Maybe if I try to focus on the reasons you gave me...it might help refocus my brain. Thank you again.

Yes, journaling is a good idea. I am prone to anxiety (or used to be) and understand about thoughts going round and round and how difficult that is to stop. See if you can observe it and step back (so to speak) to observe it, how you are feeling and how this train of thought is making you feel. THEN experiment with another thought, see if that offers a train you want to hop aboard and see if it takes you to a better feeling place. We have thoughts, but we are more than our thoughts, we are not our thoughts, even though we tend to identify with some thoughts and not others. You don't have to believe your thoughts, either, which may sound crazy, but frees you up to try other thoughts on for size, as an experiment. Experiments are about trying options to assessing the results.

Hug your dogs. That helps!

Most people are here due to some form of anxiety so they understand, really.

All of us who eat meat have to understand NONE of us get our meat innocently wether from a store or not. I can understand not wanting to waste but we throw away store food too if we are honest with ourselves.

The being alone.. everyone, every couple need time away from each other. I use that time to clean and thank God it stays that way for more than 5 minutes. My husband is a total kit bomb. Plus I get to watch what I want. Yay!

He goes away for one weekend a year and you’re upset about it? Why don’t you enjoy the time to yourself.

 

I don’t like hunting. Therefore I would never be with or marry someone who does. As another poster said, you knew this about him when you married him. You are being dramatic. One three day weekend a year for something he enjoys is not a big deal. What if he had to travel for work? Would you be angry that he’s not attached to your hip?

I was thinking this too. Your post was very melodramatic. He can have one weekend to himself, with his family. So why don't you make the time as well? Go out on a girls trip with your girlfriends. Board your dogs for the weekend. I board mine for weekend getaways so he has an opportunity to socialize with other dogs.

And what does children have to do with all of this?

I am a hunter and I get a lot of meat from wild game.

I will say that I like to keep my skill at trapping and hunting up so if I do need to get all my own meat I can.

I also feel a lot better knowing me or my family killed an animal I am eating. I know it was humanely killed. I have done industrial EPA inspections on kill lots(beef) and chicken/turkey processing plants. What happens there is very sad. The hypocrisy of eating the remains of frequently tortured animals but being irrationally upset by personally humanely killed animals is mind blowing to me.

My wife doesn't like hunting either though. But I cook some good dishes with it so she will stomach it. If you don't eat your deer just send it my way.

I think you should go tour a killing lot full of cattle and maybe you will not be so worried about a deer your husband shot.

I don't think this is about meat.

Its that he goes away for the weekend leaving poor little you and your dogs all alone.

Any woman i know whose husband goes away to hunt uses that time for "me" time - to watch what she wants to watch, to have dinner with all her girlfriends, etc. She looks forward to the break or goes away on her own with her sister or friend for a weekend at a different time of the year.

That's what it boils down to. How dare he leave me all alone is what you think.

As far as meat -- to me, its better to kill a deer and fill your freezer for a year than to obliviously pretend to not know where you food comes from and be okay eating everything that comes from a factory farm. To me, I think you should learn how to cook venison and one summer talk to him about a BBQ - men that fumble in the kitchen sometimes revel in making venison chili or BBQ. Also, check into your local soup kitchen - some take venison to make food for others. The venison in your fridge for two years is only half his fault - do something with it before you go out and buy steak or chicken for your freezer.

Not to mention after he got that one...they stayed out a few more hours! So if another had come along...they would shoot a third? Its GREED in my eyes.

You know what -- half or 3/4 of the fun is going is SPENDING TIME TOGETHER. So what if they stayed out a few more hours. what is it really to you?

Does he say HOLY CRAP YOU DIDN"T COME HOME FROM THE MALL ON TIME?

You know, and if you won't eat venison, learn to cook it. I cook things for my guy that i am allergic to and can't eat or don't like because he likes it. I make things that we both like. But sometimes i make things that only one of us like. he won't eat fish and i won't eat beef, so one day i make two small pans of both and we are both happy. I am lactose intolerant but have ice cream in the fridge for him. He won't touch kale, but its still in the fridge.

Maybe suggest a soup kitchen that takes deer if you are so concerned about waste as well.

My fiancee left on Friday to go camping with her family and to stay for Thanksgiving. Won't be back for another week and a half. I've opted out of traveling home before Christmas, so it's just me, Xavi and Comanche (the cats), and a bottle of Cazadores. Gives me a chance to deep clean, organize, winter-proof the place, and build some shelves. Also got a brand new 65" HDTV coming in Wednesday for the man cave. Something tells me I'll make due.

If you can't find a way to keep yourself entertained for a few days, that's not good.

ETA: This is also the third day in a row I'll be ordering pizza for dinner. Tomorrow will be the fourth.

OP, you actually are talking to a vegan here, and I'm going to take your husband's side.

LH Girl's post was right on the money. What I'll add is this; if you ever manage to get your husband to stop doing this (which is very unlikely) your husband will absolutely resent the hell out of you for it. Trust me. There is nothing worse than getting into a marriage or a relationship and then having your partner try to interfere with or take something away that you really love doing. For guys who hunt it is an important yearly ritual. Let him have his hunting weekend. It's important to him. One of the things that probably initially attracted you to him was that he was kind of a rugged, outdoorsy type. It's like women who are attracted to a guy because they see him on a motorcycle, then once they get into a relationship complain that he's out riding too much.

How about once a year you take a girl's weekend and leave him home with the dogs?

Also...

I don't hate people who hunt (unless its trophy hunting)

What's wrong with trophy hunting? Do the research. Trophy hunters (especially those who go to Africa) are actually supporting local economies AND animal conservation programs. Most trophy hunters give the meat to feed poorer villages. You think third world country governments have money to fund conservation patrols? The majority of revenue is pooled from those rich trophy hunters. While poachers are shooting hundreds of animals, trophy hunters take one to save hundreds more.

Poaching is the problem, legal hunting is not.

It's bonding time. It's like how I enjoy going on annual camping and fishing trips with my cousins ( without the boyfriend). There is something primal and satisfying for me about being outdoors. The bf isn't invited to these things because 1) he's not going to enjoy half of the things we do 2) it's our bonding time to catch up away from daily life.

It's really not for you to agree or disagree with. You don't like it, that's fine, he is not forcing you to go.

As far as being stuck at home, that's really your choice. You can board the dogs or take them with you. You can have a fun weekend to yourself. It's your choice to fester and feed resentment towards him though. Why is that?

What is the real issue?

OP, you actually are talking to a vegan here, and I'm going to take your husband's side.

 

LH Girl's post was right on the money. What I'll add is this; if you ever manage to get your husband to stop doing this (which is very unlikely) your husband will absolutely resent the hell out of you for it. Trust me. There is nothing worse than getting into a marriage or a relationship and then having your partner try to interfere with or take something away that you really love doing. For guys who hunt it is an important yearly ritual. Let him have his hunting weekend. It's important to him. One of the things that probably initially attracted you to him was that he was kind of a rugged, outdoorsy type. It's like women who are attracted to a guy because they see him on a motorcycle, then once they get into a relationship complain that he's out riding too much.

 

How about once a year you take a girl's weekend and leave him home with the dogs?/

I know people who had this tradition and as the years go on - they do very little actual hunting - they mostly hang out in the cabin, drink beer, play cards, maybe go on a hike.

You mentioned you feel like he doesn't take your feelings into consideration with this and compromise. I'm wondering what you would see as a fair compromise here?

I come from a town where a large portion of the people hunt. We hunt because it saves hundreds of dollars that can go towards other things such as bills. Knowing that the meat I'm eating didn't come from an animal that was tortured makes my meal far more enjoyable as well. There are really no downsides to hunting your own venison instead of buying it. Saying you would rather eat tortured animals over non-tortured ones doesn't really make sense, when your whole argument is that you hate animals being tortured.

I honestly think that a former poster hit the nail on the head. It sounds more like you're just mad that he's leaving you alone all weekend. You'd be tending to your house and dogs anyway if you were single and lived alone, so why is it suddenly something that makes you annoyed to do just because your husband is in the picture?