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Is he interested or just playing with me?


confgirl

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So here’s my story.

 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3,5 years and as we were about to cross 3 years mark our relationship was really struggling. We’re fighting almost if not every day. We both started new jobs back then and things were tough so I think it was part of it. The only good thing remained was sex. We always had good sex. We talked about breaking up and almost followed through after one fight.

 

A few months ago the new guy joined my team. I didn’t think anything special about him in the beginning, but we started talking and realized we have similar issues in our relationships. We went on a few work trips together and became friends. We were regularly texting each other and one day he confessed that he fantasies about ing me.

 

It all went downhill from there. We sexted each other constantly, talking about our fantasies and how we want to take it upon each other. It was amazing. Meanwhile relationship with my boyfriend gotten a lot better. My boyfriend picked up on the fact thatI have a male friend that I’m attracted to and I think it was part of it - he started to treat me better. I was also improving at work because I wanted to impress my coworker-friend. I was happy being part of his life, my attraction to him was growing fast and I was enjoying coming to work every day to see him. We realized that we’re very similar in a way we think, we both love dirty sex (something that my boyfriend is not really into). My friend dropped comments a couple times how he thought this (us) could work because we have such chemistry.

 

My boyfriend suggested that if I want to see other people I can and we could try open relationship.

 

Fast forward - we went for a work trip and he spent his allocation to come and see me. We went out on a first real date that night and kissed. I didn’t let him come to my place to take it further. I was thinking about this kiss every day since then. We talked about it over text. We tried to go out at least once every 3–4 weeks to spend time together.

 

I have to point out that I made it clear in the beginning that I don’t intend to break up with my boyfriend and I don’t want my friend to end his relationship because of me. We agreed we were friends that were super attracted to each other.

 

But then something happened and his attitude towards me changed. And I’m still confused as to why and what’s happening.

 

We went on another work trip and we were planning on seeing each other for dinner that night (my idea). He arrived after me and when he finally texted - he didn’t seem to wanting to see me. He didn’t make any reservations as he was planning to. He said he had something going on, was slow to reply. He said he was gonna grab dinner even though he knew I was out with a friend drinking wine who was about to leave. My friend said I could come but didn’t insist so I didn’t. I was about to leave when he said we could meet. When we met, I asked him what happened and he said he’s now seeing a therapist for depression. I offered support. When I was about to leave home - I told him I don’t feel like he chases me anymore. I kissed him (our second time ever) and got in my taxi. He texted me 10mins later asking if I want this because he’s confused what I want and if I want to spend the night together no sex. We didn’t want to cheat. He came over my place and we were making out, talking and made each other cum. He said he liked me very much and didn’t want my boyfriend to make me settle down because he wanted me “all to himself”.

 

He left in the morning. We saw each at work that day, the next day but he didn’t make an effort to see me or hang out. I think he was confused.

 

I get a sense of how much he’s interested by how often he texts me and what. Since that night he barely texted. Nothing like before, no sexting. He also used to make an effort for us to hang out more, when we were starting to get to know each other.

 

I took a pause in my current relationship and went out on a date with someone. I texted my friend that night and told him what I was up to. He said he was jealous but it was also turning him on. At the end of us chatting I said I wish I didn’t have to date other people but you don’t seem to know what you want and I wonder where this is going”. He never replied. I asked the next day what’s up and he said he doesn’t know what to say and that he “doesn’t want to get in a way of anything” with my current boyfriend although he knew things are not going well already. Him and his girlfriend are not on good terms either.

 

He avoids any situations where he could

meet my boyfriend.

 

He still sexts me about his dirty fantasies but very rare compared to what we had before. Almost never. He doesn’t make an effort to hang out anymore. Even if he suggests it never works out on his end.

 

Last time we talked he said “he’s trying to sort out feelings”. I’m not sure what that means. Feelings to who and for what?

 

I wish he’d make a move. I wish he’d tell that he wants to have me. I rarely text him first, but I hate how he leaves my questions unanswered. I hate that he doesn’t make an effort to hang out anymore or cancels last minute.

 

How do I make him see me more than a friend/sext buddy? Is it possible that he’s scared of how he started to feel about me and wants to protect himself? Is he not interested anymore? Is he disappointed we didn’t have sex that night? Does he not know what he wants and I should leave him until he does? Does he only see me as a sex object? I really dig him. But I don’t want to fall for him if he doesn’t feel anything about me. Any even remotely serious conversation scares him off. I don’t think I only want sex from him. I worry if I give in to the temptation I will end up falling for him.

 

Any help is greatly appreciated! What’s going on?

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Maybe he feels bad because he's been cheating on his partner? Maybe he feels bad because he's using you as a crutch for depression? Maybe he didn't feel the sexual connection as much as he thought he would? Does it really matter? He's in a relationship. It's clear he is willing to cheat and create a whole relationship behind his partner's back... why would you want that?

 

To me it sounds like you are trying to figure out a way that having sex with him wouldn't be a bad idea. But it is a bad idea. You are romantically attached. You know having sex would make that attachment stronger. He isn't able to figure out his life. He isn't ready, willing and able to date you.

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Just a guess, but maybe he feels guilty. I mean, he should, if he's in a relationship that's not open.

 

These are some very muddy waters. What do you really want out of this? Do you want a relationship with this guy? Would you dump your boyfriend for him?

 

I think the first thing you need to do is to get really clear about what exactly it is that you want, and then worry about where he is.

 

Or, frankly, maybe you should quit chasing another woman's boyfriend.

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How do I make him see me more than a friend/sext buddy?
This is a very odd question for someone who has said that they do not want to leave their boyfriend. What do you want, this guy to worship you so you can leave him depressed when you stay with your boyfriend?

 

I have to point out that I made it clear in the beginning that I don’t intend to break up with my boyfriend and I don’t want my friend to end his relationship because of me.
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He’s unhappy in his relationship as well and they discussed seeing other people and breaking up for good. So I don’t think he feels guilty. He said he’s comfortable with that night.

 

He told you these things. It doesn't mean it's going to happen. You have no idea what he is actually telling his girlfriend. He's comfortable lying to her, why do you think he wouldn't lie to you?

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This is a very odd question for someone who has said that they do not want to leave their boyfriend. What do you want, this guy to worship you so you can leave him depressed when you stay with your boyfriend?

I would consider ending my current relationship if I knew he was interested.

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This is a very odd question for someone who has said that they do not want to leave their boyfriend. What do you want, this guy to worship you so you can leave him depressed when you stay with your boyfriend?

 

He told you these things. It doesn't mean it's going to happen. You have no idea what he is actually telling his girlfriend. He's comfortable lying to her, why do you think he wouldn't lie to you?

 

Which part is lying to his gf? They are in open relationship.

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Why do you want more then being his eff buddy when you will not be leaving your boyfriend? You can't expect someone to give you all of them when you're not willing to give them all of you.

 

I would consider ending my current relationship if I knew he was interested.
Have you told him that? Not to mention that you told him you would NOT leave your current partner for him. It's no wonder he's backing away from you when you're being so confusing.

 

... and may I ask why you are still with your primary partner if you would leave him for someone else. Are you that afraid to be alone that you must hang onto one branch before you grasp the next one?

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Why do you want more then being his eff buddy when you will not be leaving your boyfriend? You can't expect someone to give you all of them when you're not willing to give them all of you.

 

Have you told him that? Not to mention that you told him you would NOT leave your current partner for him. It's no wonder he's backing away from you when you're being so confusing.

 

... and may I ask why you are still with your primary partner if you would leave him for someone else. Are you that afraid to be alone that you must hang onto one branch before you grasp the next one?

 

Agreed 100%

 

OP, why are you hanging on to your current relationship? If you and your boyfriend want to have an open relationship you are adults and that is your choice, but the idea is that you are basically free to boink other people while staying anchored to one another. It sounds more like you are using the concept of an open relationship to look for your boyfriend's replacement.

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Maybe he feels bad because he's been cheating on his partner? Maybe he feels bad because he's using you as a crutch for depression? Maybe he didn't feel the sexual connection as much as he thought he would? Does it really matter? He's in a relationship. It's clear he is willing to cheat and create a whole relationship behind his partner's back... why would you want that?

 

To me it sounds like you are trying to figure out a way that having sex with him wouldn't be a bad idea. But it is a bad idea. You are romantically attached. You know having sex would make that attachment stronger. He isn't able to figure out his life. He isn't ready, willing and able to date you.

 

You’re absolutely right - I’m romantically attached and craving more of his attention. His dirty messages, his kisses. Sex would make it ten times worse.

 

How do I get out of this?

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This is a very odd question for someone who has said that they do not want to leave their boyfriend. What do you want, this guy to worship you so you can leave him depressed when you stay with your boyfriend?

Things have changed since I said that. He showed me how I can be desired again. I’m really attracted to him and I see myself dating him.

 

But I don’t know what he wants.

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This is a very odd question for someone who has said that they do not want to leave their boyfriend. What do you want, this guy to worship you so you can leave him depressed when you stay with your boyfriend?

 

Why do you want more then being his eff buddy when you will not be leaving your boyfriend? You can't expect someone to give you all of them when you're not willing to give them all of you.

 

Have you told him that? Not to mention that you told him you would NOT leave your current partner for him. It's no wonder he's backing away from you when you're being so confusing.

 

... and may I ask why you are still with your primary partner if you would leave him for someone else. Are you that afraid to be alone that you must hang onto one branch before you grasp the next one?

 

I’m with my partner because I love him. We’ve been through a lot. There are just things that my current partner can’t give me (like dirty sex). And yes we’ve talked about this.

I don’t think ending my current relationship is a good idea - why would I do that if I don’t even know how the new guy feels about me?

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I’m with my partner because I love him. We’ve been through a lot. There are just things that my current partner can’t give me (like dirty sex). And yes we’ve talked about this.

I don’t think ending my current relationship is a good idea - why would I do that if I don’t even know how the new guy feels about me?

 

Why? Because you would likely dump your current boyfriend if you new you could have this new guy. Your boyfriend should be with someone who is wild about him and doesn't want anyone else. Holding onto him just because you aren't sure you can get this other guy is really selfish on your part.

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I'll put it to you this way, If your current boyfriend comes on here, I'd tell him to leave you because not even knowing him, I know he can do better then you who would leave him in a heartbeat if you knew your dirty sex toy wanted you the way you want him.

 

I don’t think ending my current relationship is a good idea - why would I do that if I don’t even know how the new guy feels about me?
He likely thinks you're good for a romp but would never actually get with you. Hence why he runs cold on you.
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I’m with my partner because I love him. We’ve been through a lot. There are just things that my current partner can’t give me (like dirty sex). And yes we’ve talked about this.

I don’t think ending my current relationship is a good idea - why would I do that if I don’t even know how the new guy feels about me?

 

This made me speechlesss.

Man it boggles my mind how selfish and absolutely devoid of empathy some people are.

 

-_-...Dump our boyfriend, think of SOMEONE ELSE for once in your life.

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"What an awful crowd" ha that's a laugh

 

You get what you give darlin. Actually, we've given you better.

 

Not that you will read this but what the hey I will give it a shot

 

You ask, why would you leave your bf before you know how this other man feels about you... Well, you would leave your bf because you know how you feel about him, that's why. You appreciate him, obviously, but not enough to decline opportunities with someone else. So you either (1) dump your bf and go it alone for awhile or with this new guy, or (2) See if your bf is interested in an open relationship of some sort, or (3) decide your bf is worth protecting from this sort of pain, and you let go of your attraction to the dirty sex guy.

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I’m with my partner because I love him. We’ve been through a lot. There are just things that my current partner can’t give me (like dirty sex). And yes we’ve talked about this.

I don’t think ending my current relationship is a good idea - why would I do that if I don’t even know how the new guy feels about me?

This is comedy gold.
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