I can't get through this situation

Hi everyone, I'm a 22 year old girl in a terrible and toxic grey area of her first relationship. This guy found me online and pursued me for four months nonstop, sending me messages, etc. I wasn't interested really, and am very professionally ambitious and successful for my age, so I was just focusing on work, my friends, etc. But it seemed from his profile we'd have a lot in common, so I agreed to meet four months ago.

I didn't even like him that much on the first, second, or third dates, but he kissed me on the fourth and I guess maybe I fell for feeling desired. After that, Everything seemed perfect. He is the first guy I was completely intimate with; I had been a virgin before. He seemed completely interested in a long-term serious relationship. He's fifteen years older than me and has been married before, divorced six years ago, and had had very few relationships since then. He seemed perfect for me, but I realize now I never felt truly and completely comfortable around him. I don't know if that's just my general anxiety and insecurity. I always felt he just wanted me for my image, aka how I made him look or increased his status around his friends, and I'm starting to believe my instincts were right. He moved very fast, introduced me to all his friends, etc. I often felt objectified around him, like he was still seeing me as an online profile.

About a month and a half after our relationship officially began, he started blowing kind of hot and cold, and it really killed me. I just felt like he wasn't pursuing me as much. This lasted a month. I didn't know what to do. I confronted him about it and he said he felt we weren't emotionally compatible, or that there wasn't a connection. So we "ended" things. But the NEXT morning he texted me, asking how I was. For the past two months, it's been this emotional limbo. Sometimes we have a great time together, other times we are blocked and it affects my self-esteem, making me feel alienated and alone. I feel like he really wants this to work, but I don't know why, if we aren't compatible (?!) He WON'T let me go. I'm obviously attached to him inasmuch as he's the first guy I slept with, and I thought he'd be my perfect match. We have great chemistry and are very compatible intellectually and sexually. But emotionally, it seems like we can't be open with each other. It really sucks. Again, everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. But there's some guard between us, maybe we're both emotionally unavailable. We haven't slept together in a little more than a month, I told him I refuse to do that with someone I'm not sure will totally commit to me. When we were sleeping together, I couldn't even sleep over afterwards. I just didn't feel safe or comfortable. Are we both just insane? Am I insecure? Is this just not right? I know I'm very neurotic, and so is he. Maybe we have too much in common.

He really wants to make this work. He's been texting me lately almost like he did in the courtship phase of our relationship. But I still feel so hurt and abandoned, and have been lashing out at him. I just want things to be as promising as they were in the beginning. Our dynamic feels toxic. It's so weird how we can text fine but then when we see each other in person it's kind of weird. Maybe we are both avoidant or insecurely attached. He says he has trouble opening up, and he says he's never been in love, even with ex-wife. But he's opened up before, so I feel terrible that he can't with me. I don't know why he's so determined to make this work, if he's not able to connect. It feels like a lost cause and I'm tired of getting my hopes up. I know he wants a serious relationship and marriage, but I don't know if I'm the one. I feel so unloved right now.

How do I keep my dignity and decide whether or not to let him try to manufacture an emotional connection, or just end this mess?

Hi Violet

Your thread really spoke to me, as it practically describes the situation I found myself in with my Exboyfriend 2 years ago.

From my experience, the only advice I can give you is: Block him everywhere and cease any contact with him. I don't think you two have a basis for a healthy relationship.

He is broken from old relationships and you are young and inexperienced and shouldn't have to deal with his drama. Of course he would want to make it work, as he enjoys having a young, pretty and succesfull partner because it enhances his statues without him having to do anything.

I'm sorry to say but I don't think there is a way for you two to have a functioning relationship. So I would advise you to gather your dignity and leave. You can to better, believe me!

I wish you all the best!

Well I don't even know exactly what but from everything you said something seems off about this guy. I would really trust your gut here.

You haven't even been with him very long and all this drama? I say move on, your a young girl and getting so much baggage and toxicity from this isn't worth it.

If he is trying to hold on to you but not be in a relationship I would assume it is just for sex. Pretty common occurance.

Trust your gut and move on.

Thanks so much. It's so hard because he's my ideal partner. And if he wants to make it work, should I give him a deadline? I don't know what to do. He's definitely not in it just for sex, we haven't even done that recently. I keep lashing out at him and he says it seems I've lost the will to make it work.

Well I don't even know exactly what but from everything you said something seems off about this guy. I would really trust your gut here.

 

You haven't even been with him very long and all this drama? I say move on, your a young girl and getting so much baggage and toxicity from this isn't worth it.

 

If he is trying to hold on to you but not be in a relationship I would assume it is just for sex. Pretty common occurance.

 

Trust your gut and move on.

This seems right. But if I haven't been having sex with him, then that's not what he's sticking around for. He keeps saying he wants us to get to know each other more. Like, it's been months. Why haven't we yet?

Hi Violet

 

Your thread really spoke to me, as it practically describes the situation I found myself in with my Exboyfriend 2 years ago.

From my experience, the only advice I can give you is: Block him everywhere and cease any contact with him. I don't think you two have a basis for a healthy relationship.

He is broken from old relationships and you are young and inexperienced and shouldn't have to deal with his drama. Of course he would want to make it work, as he enjoys having a young, pretty and succesfull partner because it enhances his statues without him having to do anything.

I'm sorry to say but I don't think there is a way for you two to have a functioning relationship. So I would advise you to gather your dignity and leave. You can to better, believe me!

 

I wish you all the best!

Thanks so much. It's so hard because he's my ideal partner. And if he wants to make it work, should I give him a deadline? I don't know what to do. He's definitely not in it just for sex, we haven't even done that recently. I keep lashing out at him and he says it seems I've lost the will to make it work.

This seems right. But if I haven't been having sex with him, then that's not what he's sticking around for. He keeps saying he wants us to get to know each other more. Like, it's been months. Why haven't we yet?

Well maybe you are his best prospect for sex at the moment and he is putting effort there.

You can't force an emotional connection. At least that is my opinion.

Sounds like he was trying to set up a fwb type deal.

Well maybe you are his best prospect for sex at the moment and he is putting effort there.

 

You can't force an emotional connection. At least that is my opinion.

 

Sounds like he was trying to set up a fwb type deal.

Maybe ... but he's still taking me out, etc. and I feel like I'm generally paranoid that guys use me for sex ... I agree with you, I don't think one can force an emotional connection. We have a lot of mutual friends, I don't know how to end this in a good way ... I need a committed relationship and I don't think he can be a reliable partner ...

Honestly, I don't think he is your ideal partner. But as you said he was your first partner, so automatically he is also the best.

I think you should cut him out of your life, without a deadline or anything. I mean, you are broken up as I understand it. I know it is easier said than done.

He seems very childish for late thirties, which is never a good sign.

I really don't think this relationship is gonna work for you, no matter how hard you try. You'll do him a favor but not yourself, and you don't want that.

Honestly, I don't think he is your ideal partner. But as you said he was your first partner, so automatically he is also the best.

I think you should cut him out of your life, without a deadline or anything. I mean, you are broken up as I understand it. I know it is easier said than done.

He seems very childish for late thirties, which is never a good sign.

I really don't think this relationship is gonna work for you, no matter how hard you try. You'll do him a favor but not yourself, and you don't want that.

Thanks again for your honest advice, especially considering your experience two years ago. I KNOW he can't do better than me, but I don't know if I can do better than him. He's attractive, very successful, etc. I'm also, as hard as it is to admit, but as obvious as it is scared to let go. He is blocked on social media so he can only text/call. I blocked him weeks ago because I was like why can't you connect with me in real life? Stop liking my FB posts! You just see me as a hot image. He can't let me go, even tho we're not having sex, he always wants to ask me to things again. I feel like a high end escort. He said he needs someone soft and vulnerable and I'm like well, I'm not gonna be that way with you having been hot and cold. I know I have a really strong personality, I'm scared it's just me. I'm paranoid and guarded, I don't trust him. Could you tell me how you knew it was absolutely time to end w your bf of two years ago? He has me almost convinced that we can make this work if we "start completely over", hence the no sex.

We broke up again and again and again. Generally, he broke up, as we wouldn't work out as he said...but refused to just let me be. He would always stay in contact with me. Then, after a few days or weeks he would start making hints that maaaaybe we could work if I just changed this or that little thing about myself. As I was desperatey in love and also confused and lonely I jumped to every chance I got. After 2 of eroding my personality, I was so emotionally drained that one time when he broke up with me again, I snapped and reached tzhe breaking point. I just bloked him everywhere and never spoke a word again.

I don't know, how long you guys have been dating but it doesn't seem that long...believe me, you don't want to do this for 2 years...

My opinion is generally that if things don't work the first time, they won't work the second. Especially not when there is only a few weeks/months in between...

You say you don't trust him. Trust is the most important part of any relationship. There is no way that this will work if you feel that you can't trust him. No matter how much you work and how much you change yourself to please him. You say you don't know if you can find someone again who is so atractive and successful...but how about finding someone who you can trust? Wouldn't that be even better?

So, how is he your ideal partner? He is 15 years older, divorced with few long term relationships under his belt. That doesn't sound like anyone's ideal partner, how it is yours? And this ideal partner just wanted you or the image? For being the pretty girl on his arm? And yet you never felt uncomfortable around him. That doesn't sound ideal at all either. And neither does any of the other items you mention about him. Paranoid and guarded, non-trusting.

This relationship sounds distinctly dysfunctional, and it should stop. There does not sound like a reason why you should continue with it, so I am not sure why you are asking.

And if you do not want this to continue, why are you allowing him to continue contacting you? You can block phone numbers on your phone, you have blocked every other contact.

So, how is he your ideal partner? He is 15 years older, divorced with few long term relationships under his belt. That doesn't sound like anyone's ideal partner, how it is yours? And this ideal partner just wanted you or the image? For being the pretty girl on his arm? And yet you never felt uncomfortable around him. That doesn't sound ideal at all either. And neither does any of the other items you mention about him. Paranoid and guarded, non-trusting.

 

This relationship sounds distinctly dysfunctional, and it should stop. There does not sound like a reason why you should continue with it, so I am not sure why you are asking.

 

And if you do not want this to continue, why are you allowing him to continue contacting you? You can block phone numbers on your phone, you have blocked every other contact.

God, you're so right. I feel so stupid. But he hasn't ever done anything explicitly abusive. When we "don't work out" he doesn't say it's because something in me needs to change. I don't know, we have chemistry, but he doesn't seem capable of deeper connection. I don't know if it's me or him. I almost had a nervous breakdown the other night about this and actually called him and he was understanding. It's so annoying. It doesn't feel like he's done anything explicitly wrong, but I don't feel he can ever love me. Yeah, he's divorced, and only had a couple gf's since then, none of who were serious, really. His ex-wife was older than him, she basically mothered him and then he left her. I feel like I can't get out. I don't know why he won't let me go. He's ended all past relationships and he won't end this one, let alone let me end it. He keeps saying he's afraid to let go of our potential, and as I said, I'm not letting him use me for sex, so if he didn't mean what he said, why would he bother?

I feel like I can't get out.

What do you mean? Have you attempted to end the relationship?

So, how is he your ideal partner? He is 15 years older, divorced with few long term relationships under his belt. That doesn't sound like anyone's ideal partner, how it is yours? And this ideal partner just wanted you or the image? For being the pretty girl on his arm?

I also don't understand how you can conclude that a relationship where you don't feel safe or comfortable, where you feel like a dating profile, is "ideal."

What do you mean? Have you attempted to end the relationship?

Yeah. I still haven't unblocked him on social media and don't intend to anytime soon. I always try to call him and end it but then somehow he texts me and says he doesn't want to lose me as a friend or that he realizes what went wrong. And then we have a great time for a few dates and the chemistry is amazing even if we don't have sex. but then it's back to feeling toxic and dysfunctional because it feels like we don't connect even tho he is cordial and respectful and interested in my life. That's what I meant by emotional limbo in my initial post. I have no idea what I'm doing, he keeps saying it takes him time to open up, but I feel like this is hurting my self esteem

Well, you have to stop getting pulled back in. Only you can do that. After the break-up phone call, you have to block his number. If he finds some other way to communicate with you, you have to ignore it. Tell him to stop. If he insists on communicating with you after you've asked him to stop, if he starts showing up where you are, tell him you will call the police. And then follow through. You need to be the one who draws the line.

Can you explain a little more about what is toxic, dysfunctional, and harmful to your self esteem? Maybe give an example of how you don't connect?

I see that you have an inability to say no to him. Even if you call him to end it, he somehow convinces you to go on more dates with him, and you go. Is he fulfilling something for you that you let him take you out? Nothing here is going to change unless you stand up to him and keep standing up to him in saying that this is not going anywhere and you should not see each other anymore.

If this is hurting your self esteem, then you nee to get away from it. If he will not let you go or will not leave you alone, then you need to talk to the police to ensure that he stays away. As I said, this is just going to continue going the way it is going until YOU stand up to him and walk away from this fully.

So, how is he your ideal partner? He is 15 years older, divorced with few long term relationships under his belt. That doesn't sound like anyone's ideal partner, how it is yours? And this ideal partner just wanted you or the image? For being the pretty girl on his arm? And yet you never felt uncomfortable around him. That doesn't sound ideal at all either. And neither does any of the other items you mention about him. Paranoid and guarded, non-trusting.

 

This relationship sounds distinctly dysfunctional, and it should stop. There does not sound like a reason why you should continue with it, so I am not sure why you are asking.

 

And if you do not want this to continue, why are you allowing him to continue contacting you? You can block phone numbers on your phone, you have blocked every other contact.

I should add that I tried to end it in person. I was in such a rage, and he started crying and begged for another chance to improve our dynamic. He has a lot of good qualities, I do believe he's genuine about his intentions towards me, but he's seems too emotionally damaged ...

I should add that I tried to end it in person. .

Then you need to try and try again. Because he will just keep snivelling and whining until he gets his way, which you keep letting him. And by doing it in person you are just giving him the opportunity to lay on the tears and over manipulative means. I'm not even sure why he keeps trying and hoping to get something out of this

Then you need to try and try again. Because he will just keep snivelling and whining until he gets his way, which you keep letting him. And by doing it in person you are just giving him the opportunity to lay on the tears and over manipulative means. I'm not even sure why he keeps trying and hoping to get something out of this

That makes sense. It's like he can't even see the here and now and just thinks we'd be perfect together. I told him I blocked him on social media because I was sick of him relating to me as an image and not connecting with me as a person. This entire thing feels so forced. Maybe I can't let go because he feeds my ego. I just don't know why he would introduce me to his friends and lavish me with so much attention ... and yet there's so much doubt in him about us. It's starting to make me feel like I'm just not lovable, especially because he opened up to an ex of his but dumped her because she wasn't "on his level"

I been reading all this and somewhat agree with everyone... First of all Violet, follow your gut feeling....What does it say to you? Does it say get out? Or I want this to work? Second...I think the two of you should meet and seriously discuss this...How about you discuss your feelings with him without threatening him with a break up?...Just be calm and collective...Lay it all out and ask him to be honest with you as well...Do all this without a fight...And then go from there...I agree that trust is huge in a relationship, but so is communicating...